Useful advice
 

1.If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by
simply using the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth.

8. Sometimes We Just Need To Remember What The Rules of Life Really Are...

You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

9. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance!

And Finally....

11. Be Really Good To Your Family and Friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

8. Sometimes We Just Need To Remember What The Rules of Life Really Are...

You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

that's the greatest EVAR!

9. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

That's hilarious! And so true.

"3. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink."

Im going to take this wonderful advice. :D

HaHa

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

I'm a pretty quiet, internal type of guy, but I actually chuckled out loud when I read that one. Thanks cchris!

I would like to add the following as a supplemental list:

a) Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

b) The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are: "I apologize" and "You are right".

c) When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

d) The best advice that your mother ever gave you was "Go! You might meet somebody!"

e) If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them.

f) Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'

g) Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

h) Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

i) Work is good, but it's not that important

Sometimes We Just Need To Remember What The Rules of Life Really Are...

You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

so funny

one I just heard today, don't ever under any circumstance take a sleeping pill and a laxative the same night!!

This forum never ceases to keep me completely amused. :)