The Zen of Sarcasm - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

uncle phil · 08-31-2009, 02:52 AM

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

AND

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Nisses · 08-31-2009, 05:32 AM

I love these, especially 11

dlish · 08-31-2009, 07:04 AM

15 did it for me

LoganSnake · 08-31-2009, 07:43 AM

Taken from demotivational posters?

Redlemon · 08-31-2009, 10:46 AM

#8 for me.

streak_56 · 08-31-2009, 02:51 PM

13, 14 work for me

Cervantes · 09-02-2009, 02:27 PM

#14 is my motto in life

Very good list!

gamefreak1398 · 09-02-2009, 08:24 PM

hahhah these are definitely words to live by

Daniel_ · 09-02-2009, 10:57 PM

#8 is already in my cannon.

Daniel_'s corollary to rule #10: Build a man a fire, and he'll be hot for the day. Set him on fire and he'll be hot for the rest of his life.

MichaelFarker · 09-04-2009, 10:03 AM

#8 was new to me and made me laugh out loud

I think this collection included all my favorites too

blahblah454 · 09-04-2009, 01:59 PM

These are great! Some are frighteningly true though, such as #4

08-31-2009, 02:52 AM	#1 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	The Zen of Sarcasm 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire. 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else. 6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you. 10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day . 11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment. 12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield. 14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 16. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 21. Never miss a good chance to shut up. AND 22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

08-31-2009, 05:32 AM	#2 (permalink)
Nisses Shade Location: Belgium	I love these, especially 11 __________________ Moderation should be moderately moderated.

08-31-2009, 07:04 AM	#3 (permalink)
dlish Currently sour but formerly Dlishs Super Moderator Location: Australia/UAE	15 did it for me __________________ An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay? - Filthy

08-31-2009, 07:43 AM	#4 (permalink)
LoganSnake We work alone Location: Cake Town	Taken from demotivational posters? __________________ Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

08-31-2009, 10:46 AM	#5 (permalink)
Redlemon Devoted Donor Location: New England	#8 for me. __________________ I can't read your signature. Sorry.

08-31-2009, 02:51 PM	#6 (permalink)
streak_56 who ever said streaking was a bad thing? Location: Calgary	13, 14 work for me

09-02-2009, 02:27 PM	#7 (permalink)
Cervantes Psycho Location: Above you	#14 is my motto in life Very good list! __________________ - "Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned.." - "Religions take everything that your DNA naturally wants to do to survive and pro-create and makes it wrong." - "There is only one absolute truth and that is that there is only one absolute truth."

09-02-2009, 08:24 PM	#8 (permalink)
gamefreak1398 Upright	hahhah these are definitely words to live by

09-02-2009, 10:57 PM	#9 (permalink)
Daniel_ Evil Priest: The Devil Made Me Do It! Location: Southern England	#8 is already in my cannon. Daniel_'s corollary to rule #10: Build a man a fire, and he'll be hot for the day. Set him on fire and he'll be hot for the rest of his life. __________________ ╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗ Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air, And deep beneath the rolling waves, In labyrinths of Coral Caves, The Echo of a distant time Comes willowing across the sand; And everthing is Green and Submarine ╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

09-04-2009, 10:03 AM	#10 (permalink)
MichaelFarker 2+2=5? Not again! Location: Dallas, Texas	#8 was new to me and made me laugh out loud I think this collection included all my favorites too

09-04-2009, 01:59 PM	#11 (permalink)
blahblah454 Let's put a smile on that face Location: On the road...	These are great! Some are frighteningly true though, such as #4