It's me! Every girl ever! (Craigslist Funny)
 

Most likely a repost.

"Knock knock

Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.

Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.

You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.

Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles!

Come on into the living room.

Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Hey, let's check out the kitchen.

Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.

And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches.

Let's go back into the hallway!

Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back...

Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go!

Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe.

Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.

Now let's talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute!

Wow! I can't believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don't need a box. Just throw it out.

Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on!

See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you!

Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.

I'm back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.

Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we're going to do it again sometime! Maybe I'll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. Good night!"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... I love this part so fucking much.

This was my best by far!! Ohh and this one too......

lol, avoid eye contact at target, sounds familiar

been there, done that.

what happened to the 'thank you for a goodnight and spending 250 dollars for dinner' blowjob?

have things change since?

This sounds to me like The Onion.

Hmmm,maybe I am a bit unsure of myself as well....but I don't think I would ignore you!

$250 for dinner? Are you serious?


:o Okay, so I decorate my fridge with a collage of pictures. Just as much family as there is friends, though. :p

:lol: I see this one aaaaaall the time.

i dont think 250 dollars is a lot of money for dinner if you're out on a first date and you're trying to impress so you can get laid. i think its right on the mark.

id spend 50 bucks on take away food, so i dont see why fine food and dining is a big deal at 250 bucks.

hmmm... I suppose. I guess it just seems a little over the top to me. I'd probably be more uncomfortable than impressed. Then again, I like my first dates (well, dates in general) to be a lot more casual. *shrug* Whatever works, though, I guess. :)

wow, this is too true. makes me really appreciate the girls who aren't like this.

I can't imagine EVER spending $250 on 2 people. I would definitely take it home for later.

I don't fit ANY of this. (OK maybe at one time the part about the candles)

Any doubt, just ask the SO.

Man,

I'm glad I don't live in the US.

$50 on takeaway food ,250 to impress a first date...

And all the other really annoying stuff.


I'm staying on this side of the puddle

I laughed. I know far too many women who meet that description.
I did seem to spend inordinate amounts of time in the restroom on a first date. Nerves. I remember this one first date - I was in the restroom every ten minutes or so, puking. Yeah. I hate nerves.

Thanks for saying that!

Going out to dinner someplace that nice would be uncomfortable and awkward for me. Dinners of that scale are only meant for birthdays, graduations, and other equally special occasions.

I'm with you here.
I'm married, financially comfortable and I can count on one hand the number of $250 dinners we have been to in the past 10 years.
I'm pretty sure there were zero $250 dinners prior to our getting married.

I'd imagine the intent of the author was to blow everything out of proportion.

I'd feel stupid spending $60 on dinner if the girl was an ungrateful ditz.

I guess it depends on where you live. Here in New York you make more money because the cost of living is more. We just ordered take out last night - a green salad, Quesadilla and a hamburger that was $37.

Was it blown out of proportion? I don't date this type, but my friends, and my brothers are always getting this type of experience. Not much exaggeration to it, but it's funny to me

That's how you know she's the one.

yeah a great way to not get laid too!

:eek:

I took this girl out on that date. I wised up and the second date was on my turf and I got her way drunk and way loaded. I got the blowjob plus. I wonder how she's bringing up her daughter.

Well, I took a gal to an asian restaurant, and the bill was $12 with tip, and we had a second date after that :)

What? Did she want the rest of her meal?

(drum crash)

did you get her pregnant with a blowjob?

HAHAHA... smells like a winner of a thread!

Two things that I do not miss about dating: Women who act scared to eat, & women who steer you to some bar or club where their friends "just happen to be." :grumpy:

$250.00????
I'd head to a brothel. spend 200.
Have 50 bucks left for food and beer.


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