Airline Announcements...
 

United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!


On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.'


'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'


An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand a the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?' 'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?' The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'

'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City - The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the flight attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax...OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'

not to rain on your parade, but i've heard many of these from southwest crew, seriously, flying from the northeast to the south...

some of these are quite clever. I laughed :D

Rain away, I don't offend easily. I've heard a couple of these as well. Was just an e-mail a pilot friend of mine forwarded to me.

I took a bare knuckle flight from Portland, Or. to Reno one time. It was one of the most bumpy rides and hardest landing I've ever had. The entire hour flight was silent. Upon slamming onto to the runway at Reno and while taxing to he gate the pilot broke the silence announcing "Not bad for a first try folks, I'm sure I'll get the hang of it after a few more." A lot of folks laughed, I certainly did. But as I walked up the ramp I overheard two old ladies behind me say 'I can't believe that was his first flight!" They seemed really upset by it. I think they made me laugh harder then the pilot.

I once flew Southwest to LA, right at the time that they were the only airline turning a profit.

As we taxied toward the gate, the attendant said, "Those of you on the right side of the aircraft, you'll notice an American Airlines flight on the next taxiway. Let's all wave at them and show them what it looks like to bring a full 747 into LAX!"

I didn't know Southwest ever flew 747's? Usually that's a international aircraft.

:shrug: It was a direct flight from the East Coast, so maybe that explains it. Or I could have mis-heard and she could have said 737. Or she might have said 747 while we sat in an Airbus. But most likely, analyzing a joke kills its humor. ;)

Sorry, just read it and didn't sound right. To really kill the humor... the reason Southwest managed profits while many airlines lost money is because they actually have smart people running the airline. They hedged on the price of fuel years ago and were buying jet fuel at $1.50 a gal. in 2006 while other's were paying triple that.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Southwest_Airlines

Gez, I'm thread jacking my own thread. I'm guessing that's not funny either.

But yeah, 737 sounds right.

Priceless.

These are excellent! I laughed at most of them.

"Did we land or were we shot down"

I laughed 'til I cryed :)

Many years ago, a pilot friend of my mother's told me he'd been co-pilot on a commercial flight to Germany in the early 60's (to this day I'm not sure if this is a joke or a true story, but I love it).

After the landing, the pilot couldn't understand the guidance to the terminal and asked for clarification.

The tower came on the radio and said "Haven't you been to [name of town] airport before?"

The pilot replied "yes..."

"...but only once, and it was dark, and we didn't land!".

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthr...trol+major+tom

It might be true, it's been around for years.

Could be the same story - but not sure BA would fly 747 from London to Frankfurt, and it wasn't BA until 1974. I guess that any pilot in the 20's durng WWII would have been in their 50's be the mid 70's, which seems unlikely.

Still a good story.

Agreed, true or not it's funny.