Tazer WARNING

[Brewmaniac]

Dear Friends,

My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on
this earth will be
something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch
this!" Well, I have
outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this
true story chronicled
in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and
Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that
my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something
really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd
anniversary and I was looking for a little something
extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a
clip. For those of you
who are not familiar with this product, it is a
less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs
designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of
high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee
to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived,
with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.
You simply
jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant,
push the button, and it will render him a slobbering,
goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck
geek. If you've never seen one of these things in
action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn
thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't
need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my
chagrin that this particular model would not create an
arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love
fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the
button, however, and pressed it against a metal
surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs that I was
so looking forward to.

I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of
electricity, and a loud pop!!!
Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your
information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what
that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking
to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only
two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my
recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul), reading the directions (that would be
me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of
a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this
thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I
did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong? Was I
wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the
time...

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
with my reading glasses perched delicately on the
bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in
another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second
burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss
of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground
like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device
(measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute
really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a
batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"


Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of
myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but
I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have
got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting
there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning
that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole
thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational
thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you
agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst
just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad
decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It
is so obvious that it was a bad
decision after the fact, even though it seemed so
right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
button, and HOLY ***!
DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!!


I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the
front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then
body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I
vaguely recall waking up on
my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my
left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position.
Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I
had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
(Note: If you ever feel
compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of
caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst
when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of
that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent
thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky,
you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your
thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-*****
that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as
time was a relative thing at this point), I collected
my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel
of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My
triceps, right thigh and both
titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had
been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed
88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two,
I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they
ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather
large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so
myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em
back.

Be Safe
Dave

[xim]

haha this is freakin hilarious. too bad you didnt get it on video

[Brewmaniac]

Originally Posted by xim

haha this is freakin hilarious. too bad you didnt get it on video

Couldn't, read my sig. LOL!

[Chiyachan]

I think you should do it... And take a video, for the sadists among us. D:

[fatboss]

I'm sitting here, reading to myself laughing out loud in short stifled bursts.

Everyone is looking at me like I'm some kinda loon!

This is gonna do the rounds this afternoon!

Thanks Brewmaniac, you've made my day