Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

[Jetée]

A few memorables taken from http://www.cco.net/~jpete/deepthou.htm
... a complilation of one-liners, jokes, inspirational thoughts and quotes by Jack Handey.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.



One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke.



Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.



I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.



I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!



Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.



Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.



Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.



Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.



If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.



I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

[Vizzini]

I love these things, theres alot of Fuzzy Memories on youtube as well.

[albania]

Really good stuff. From his website: When I saw the old bum pushing the grocery cart down the street, at first I felt sorry for him. But then when I saw what was in his cart I thought, well, no wonder you’re a bum look at all the dumb things you bought.