Amusing Cop Quips - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Gatorade Frost · 10-27-2006, 10:36 AM

So you thought that cops had no sense of humor--- The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

1. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

2. “Take your hands off the car, and I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

3. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

4. “Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn’t know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun.”

5. “So you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?” “Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh ... did I mention
that I am the shift supervisor?”

6. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do That again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

7. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

8. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

9. “In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”

10. “Just how big were those two beers?”

11. “No sir we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

12. “I’m glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail.”

13. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t… Sign here

Bill O'Rights · 10-27-2006, 11:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gatorade Frost

“Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do That again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

I've actually used that one, back in the day.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gatorade Frost

“You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t… Sign here."

This one's my favorite. I wish I'd have thought of it.

One more that I'll add to the list.
"Go ahead. Run. But you can't outrun Motorola, or Smith & Wesson."

Brewmaniac · 10-27-2006, 11:35 AM

10. “Just how big were those two beers?”

Got to love it!

13. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t… Sign here

Just mean!

mjby2 · 11-01-2006, 01:06 AM

I loved those! Thanks for the laugh.

10-27-2006, 10:36 AM	#1 (permalink)
Gatorade Frost Rookie	Amusing Cop Quips So you thought that cops had no sense of humor--- The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country. 1. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.” 2. “Take your hands off the car, and I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.” 3. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.” 4. “Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn’t know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun.” 5. “So you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?” “Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?” 6. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do That again or I’ll give you another ticket.” 7. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?” 8. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.” 9. “In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.” 10. “Just how big were those two beers?” 11. “No sir we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.” 12. “I’m glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail.” 13. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t… Sign here __________________ I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." Emo Philips

10-27-2006, 11:35 AM	#3 (permalink)
Brewmaniac Searching for the perfect brew!	10. “Just how big were those two beers?” Got to love it! 13. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t… Sign here Just mean! __________________ "That's a joke... I say, that's a joke, son"

11-01-2006, 01:06 AM	#4 (permalink)
mjby2 Crazy	I loved those! Thanks for the laugh.