sick joke - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

KellyC · 09-10-2003, 08:14 PM

poste your sickest jokes here, the game is to post the sickest jokes

Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your legs?

A: You pick it up and give it a blow job!!

scansinboy · 09-10-2003, 08:32 PM

but no dead baby jokes, am I right?

Gleek · 09-10-2003, 08:32 PM

Yeah, while that is quite disgusting, its only a temporary fix. Why not just shoot the dog?

scansinboy · 09-10-2003, 08:33 PM

What's 30 feet long and smells like urine?

A conga line at the retirement home.

SuperMidget · 09-10-2003, 09:59 PM

What's the difference between the real jesus and a picture of jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang a picture of jesus.

mr sticky · 09-11-2003, 07:15 AM

A young redneck girl was in a fix. She needed a ride to go to the local opossum hunt that night, but none of her friends had a way to get her there.
She runs to her Dad and asks, "Daddy, can I borrow the truck tonight?"
" Well honey, let me think...you can borrow the truck...if you suck your old man's dick!" he replied.
She stands there in disbelief...but, after a minute, considering how really badly she wants to go, she finally agrees.
As she assumes the position, and begins her task, suddenly she straightens up and begins to gag. "Daddy!...your dick tastes like SHIT!"
To which her daddy replies,"Oh shit honey, I forgot...your brother already borrowed the truck tonight!"

This is the sickest joke that has ever made me laugh out loud.

MikeyChalupa · 09-11-2003, 08:09 AM

Sickest I've ever heard:

Q: What's the worst part about eating bald pussy?
A: Putting the diaper back on.

You asked for it.

-Mikey

Hanxter · 09-11-2003, 08:15 AM

where do cousins come from?

aunt holes

blkdmnd · 09-11-2003, 09:57 AM

at the risk of being banned....

What's the difference between a refrigerator and a gay guy?

The 'fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

johnnymysto · 09-11-2003, 11:17 AM

Why do women have legs?

So they don't leave a trail like snails!

mvassek · 09-11-2003, 05:21 PM

Q: What is the hardest part of eating vegetables?

A: The wheelchair

Q: What is better than winning the Gold medal in the Special Olympics?

A: Not Being retarded

Q: What does a 90 yr old woman's pussy taste like?

A: Depends

Q: What do you give a 90 yr old woman for her birthday?

A: Mikey, he will eat anything.

cJoe · 09-11-2003, 05:31 PM

Aunt holes...one that deserves repeating

mml · 09-12-2003, 12:26 PM

Why did cave men drag women around by their hair?

Because if they dragged them around by their legs they'd fill up with dirt.

Seriously though MikeyChalupa's was plain wrong - good work!

stldickie · 09-12-2003, 01:44 PM

aunt holes...classic

pocon1 · 09-12-2003, 06:10 PM

How do you know if the bartender doesn't like you?
He leaves the tampon in your bloody mary.

Noob · 09-12-2003, 08:40 PM

why do women fart after they pee?
since they cant shake it they have to blow dry it instead

HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAH

scansinboy · 09-14-2003, 10:38 AM

A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."

She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."

They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.

She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."

He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."

The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."

scansinboy · 09-14-2003, 10:43 AM

Two vampires walk into a bar and the first one orders a cup of blood. The second one orders a warm glass of water.

The first one asks,"How come you didn't order a cup of blood?"

The second one pulls out a used tampoon and says, "I'm having tea!"

CSflim · 09-14-2003, 01:41 PM

Two pedophiles are lying on a beach tanning, one turns to the other and says "excuse me, you're in my son"

todd311 · 09-16-2003, 06:37 AM

Whats Black & Blue & Doesn't like sex?

The chick in my trunk

Midlandmadman · 09-16-2003, 09:25 AM

How did the girl from alabama know her mom was on the rag???

She tasted the blood on her brothers cock!

scansinboy · 09-16-2003, 11:18 PM

Todd311 That's good, I heard a similar one:

What's black and blue and green and doesn't like anal sex?

The girl scout I have tied up in my basement.

CSflim · 09-21-2003, 10:59 AM

A young girl walks in and sees her mother in the shower. She asks, "What's that, mommy?"
The mother says, "It's a vagina."
So the girl says, "When will I get one of those?"
"When you're a teenager," the mother replies.
Later on, the little girl walks in on her father while he's showering. "What's that, daddy?"
"It's a penis," he replies.
"When will I get one of those?" she asks.
The father says, "As soon as your mother leaves for work."

Flesh · 09-21-2003, 11:23 AM

hahahaha, these are sick but great!

PoteMatic · 09-21-2003, 01:08 PM

Damn man them are some sick jokes but that redneck one is definitly discusting.

Shpoop · 09-21-2003, 01:58 PM

lol csfilm taht one in the shower is so good! its the only one that actually got me laughing out loud... i expected it to be one of those 'dirty' shower jokes ppl told in first grade

definitely a reteller

CSflim · 09-21-2003, 05:30 PM

Q: How do you know when an Ethiopian is going to be sick?
A: Another is following with a bowl and spoon.

debaser · 09-21-2003, 08:41 PM

3 from the gutter...

Q: What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died?

A: Nothing.

Q: How do you know if your roomate is gay?

A: His dick tastes like shit.

Q: What is purple, 18 inches long, and makes women scream.

A: Crib death.

I won't tell the bad ones...

bravo49 · 09-23-2003, 01:22 AM

Q) Whats green and tastes like shit?

A) Kermits dick

Ripsaw · 09-23-2003, 11:09 AM

Alternatively,

What's green and smells like pork?

Kermit's finger.

Sexodus · 09-23-2003, 12:20 PM

a man is leaving for work
his wife says make sure u are home on time i have a surprise!
The man says ok i will be home directly after work.
wife says u better, Dont go to that bar AGAIN i mean it!!!
Husband says i will dont worry!
about an hour before work gets out the husbands buddy John says "wanna go to the bar?
Husband says "no my wife will kill me if im not home after work today!"
John says "Dont worry i have a fool proof way of getting out of trouble!"
Husband says "I dont know..."
John says "trust me"
Husband says "ok fine"
so it comes to about 10pm (got off at 4pm)
Husband says "ok i have to go what is the plan?"
John says "Ok listen"
1) turn the car off just before u get to the drive way and cost in and park
2) vary carfully open the door
3) when u get to the stairs take off all your clothes
4) vary sly like go up the stairs
5) when u get to the room start at the foot of the bed go under the covers and start eating her out!
"There is no way she can be mad at u after that!
Husband "ok i think that will work

so he turns the car off and costs to the driveway,
very carfully he opens the door and takes his clothes off,
sly like he walks up the stairs,
he starts at the foot of the bed and starts eating her out!
When he is finished he goes to the bathroom to brush his teeth.
when he goes to the bathroom his wife comes out of the shower and says

"WHERE THE HELL HAVE U BEEN? I WAS GOING TO SUPRISE U THAT YOUR MOTHER CAME OVER BUT SHE IS ALREADY ASLEEP!

CSflim · 09-23-2003, 02:36 PM

Neon sign hung above a 24 hour abortion clinic:
"You Rape 'Em, We Scrape 'Em - No Foetus Can Beat Us!"

JusticeForPhat · 09-23-2003, 05:43 PM

todd311 wins.

I have a ton of dead baby ones i won't repeat here though. And some bad pedohile ones. My friends and I considered publishing a book at one point.

heres a terrible one since im too afraid to tell any of my good ones in fear of being banned:

q: whats the worst part of a one night stand?
a: re-burying the coffin after you blow your wad.

batm4n_23 · 09-23-2003, 06:26 PM

holy cow -- some of those are sick

TheClarkster · 09-23-2003, 06:59 PM

Some of those are sick? I think you mean all of them. Still a good laugh.

jinobli · 09-23-2003, 08:02 PM

gross hehe

aarchaon · 03-18-2004, 05:23 AM

More dammit.

reverendjay · 03-18-2004, 07:51 AM

CSfilm my personal favorite variant of that came from a Mr. Show episode.

Mr. Pickles Funtime Abortion Clinic. We bring out the kid in you...

bacon_masta · 03-18-2004, 11:40 AM

there once was a vampire named mabel
her period was quite stable
every full moon
she'd pull out a spoon
and drink herself under the table

09-10-2003, 08:14 PM	#1 (permalink)
KellyC Comment or else!! Location: Home sweet home	sick joke poste your sickest jokes here, the game is to post the sickest jokes Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your legs? A: You pick it up and give it a blow job!! __________________ Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe? Me: Shit happens.

09-10-2003, 08:32 PM	#2 (permalink)
scansinboy Insane Location: Milwaukee	but no dead baby jokes, am I right? __________________ Don't blame me... I voted for Kodos!

09-10-2003, 08:33 PM	#4 (permalink)
scansinboy Insane Location: Milwaukee	What's 30 feet long and smells like urine? A conga line at the retirement home. __________________ Don't blame me... I voted for Kodos!

09-11-2003, 07:15 AM	#6 (permalink)
mr sticky Psycho Location: NC	A young redneck girl was in a fix. She needed a ride to go to the local opossum hunt that night, but none of her friends had a way to get her there. She runs to her Dad and asks, "Daddy, can I borrow the truck tonight?" " Well honey, let me think...you can borrow the truck...if you suck your old man's dick!" he replied. She stands there in disbelief...but, after a minute, considering how really badly she wants to go, she finally agrees. As she assumes the position, and begins her task, suddenly she straightens up and begins to gag. "Daddy!...your dick tastes like SHIT!" To which her daddy replies,"Oh shit honey, I forgot...your brother already borrowed the truck tonight!" This is the sickest joke that has ever made me laugh out loud. __________________ The sad thing is... as you get older you come to realize that you don't so much pilot your life, as you just try to hold on, in a screaming, defiant ball of white-knuckle anxious fury

09-11-2003, 09:57 AM	#9 (permalink)
blkdmnd Addict	at the risk of being banned.... What's the difference between a refrigerator and a gay guy? The 'fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out. __________________ I blow my nose at you. Now go away before I taunt you a second time.

09-10-2003, 08:32 PM	#3 (permalink)
Gleek Upright	Yeah, while that is quite disgusting, its only a temporary fix. Why not just shoot the dog?

09-10-2003, 09:59 PM	#5 (permalink)
SuperMidget Banned Location: Farm country, South Dakota	What's the difference between the real jesus and a picture of jesus? It only takes one nail to hang a picture of jesus.

09-11-2003, 08:09 AM	#7 (permalink)
MikeyChalupa Squid Location: USS George Washington	Sickest I've ever heard: Q: What's the worst part about eating bald pussy? A: Putting the diaper back on. You asked for it. -Mikey

09-11-2003, 08:15 AM	#8 (permalink)
Hanxter The Griffin	where do cousins come from? aunt holes

09-11-2003, 11:17 AM	#10 (permalink)
johnnymysto Overreactor Location: South Ca'lina	Why do women have legs? So they don't leave a trail like snails! __________________ "I'm disinclined to acquiesce to your request." - Capt. Barbossa

09-11-2003, 05:21 PM	#11 (permalink)
mvassek Crazy Location: East Tennessee	Q: What is the hardest part of eating vegetables? A: The wheelchair Q: What is better than winning the Gold medal in the Special Olympics? A: Not Being retarded Q: What does a 90 yr old woman's pussy taste like? A: Depends Q: What do you give a 90 yr old woman for her birthday? A: Mikey, he will eat anything.

09-11-2003, 05:31 PM	#12 (permalink)
cJoe Insane	Aunt holes...one that deserves repeating __________________ I've got plenty of common sense. I just choose to ignore it. ...Calvin

09-12-2003, 12:26 PM	#13 (permalink)
mml Adrift Location: Wandering in the Desert of Life	Why did cave men drag women around by their hair? Because if they dragged them around by their legs they'd fill up with dirt. Seriously though MikeyChalupa's was plain wrong - good work! __________________ Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." -Douglas Adams

09-12-2003, 01:44 PM	#14 (permalink)
stldickie Addict	aunt holes...classic

09-12-2003, 06:10 PM	#15 (permalink)
pocon1 Banned	How do you know if the bartender doesn't like you? He leaves the tampon in your bloody mary.

09-12-2003, 08:40 PM	#16 (permalink)
Noob Upright	why do women fart after they pee? since they cant shake it they have to blow dry it instead HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAH Last edited by Noob; 09-14-2003 at 12:48 AM..

09-14-2003, 10:38 AM	#17 (permalink)
scansinboy Insane Location: Milwaukee	A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69." She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care." They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings. She says, "Answer the door." He says, "But my face is a mess." She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich." He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich." The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead." __________________ Don't blame me... I voted for Kodos!

09-14-2003, 10:43 AM	#18 (permalink)
scansinboy Insane Location: Milwaukee	Two vampires walk into a bar and the first one orders a cup of blood. The second one orders a warm glass of water. The first one asks,"How come you didn't order a cup of blood?" The second one pulls out a used tampoon and says, "I'm having tea!" __________________ Don't blame me... I voted for Kodos!

09-14-2003, 01:41 PM	#19 (permalink)
CSflim Sky Piercer Location: Ireland	Two pedophiles are lying on a beach tanning, one turns to the other and says "excuse me, you're in my son" __________________

09-16-2003, 06:37 AM	#20 (permalink)
todd311 Insane Location: Oklahoma City	Whats Black & Blue & Doesn't like sex? The chick in my trunk

09-16-2003, 09:25 AM	#21 (permalink)
Midlandmadman Redwing fan extraordinaire Location: Michigan	How did the girl from alabama know her mom was on the rag??? She tasted the blood on her brothers cock! __________________ Its good to be back.

09-16-2003, 11:18 PM	#22 (permalink)
scansinboy Insane Location: Milwaukee	Todd311 That's good, I heard a similar one: What's black and blue and green and doesn't like anal sex? The girl scout I have tied up in my basement. __________________ Don't blame me... I voted for Kodos!

09-21-2003, 10:59 AM	#23 (permalink)
CSflim Sky Piercer Location: Ireland	A young girl walks in and sees her mother in the shower. She asks, "What's that, mommy?" The mother says, "It's a vagina." So the girl says, "When will I get one of those?" "When you're a teenager," the mother replies. Later on, the little girl walks in on her father while he's showering. "What's that, daddy?" "It's a penis," he replies. "When will I get one of those?" she asks. The father says, "As soon as your mother leaves for work." __________________

09-21-2003, 11:23 AM	#24 (permalink)
Flesh Psycho	hahahaha, these are sick but great!

09-21-2003, 01:08 PM	#25 (permalink)
PoteMatic Registered User	Damn man them are some sick jokes but that redneck one is definitly discusting.

09-21-2003, 01:58 PM	#26 (permalink)
Shpoop Curious Location: NJ (but just for college)	lol csfilm taht one in the shower is so good! its the only one that actually got me laughing out loud... i expected it to be one of those 'dirty' shower jokes ppl told in first grade definitely a reteller

09-21-2003, 05:30 PM	#27 (permalink)
CSflim Sky Piercer Location: Ireland	Q: How do you know when an Ethiopian is going to be sick? A: Another is following with a bowl and spoon. __________________

09-21-2003, 08:41 PM	#28 (permalink)
debaser Sir, I have a plan... Location: 38S NC20943324	3 from the gutter... Q: What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died? A: Nothing. Q: How do you know if your roomate is gay? A: His dick tastes like shit. Q: What is purple, 18 inches long, and makes women scream. A: Crib death. I won't tell the bad ones... __________________ Fortunato became immured to the sound of the trowel after a while.

09-23-2003, 01:22 AM	#29 (permalink)
bravo49 Junkie Location: chocolate city	Q) Whats green and tastes like shit? A) Kermits dick

09-23-2003, 11:09 AM	#30 (permalink)
Ripsaw Chef in Training	Alternatively, What's green and smells like pork? Kermit's finger. __________________ "We are supposed to be masters of space, but we cant even line up our shoes?" One life, one chance, one opportunity.

09-23-2003, 12:20 PM	#31 (permalink)
Sexodus Banned Location: The Canyons - Boarding	a man is leaving for work his wife says make sure u are home on time i have a surprise! The man says ok i will be home directly after work. wife says u better, Dont go to that bar AGAIN i mean it!!! Husband says i will dont worry! about an hour before work gets out the husbands buddy John says "wanna go to the bar? Husband says "no my wife will kill me if im not home after work today!" John says "Dont worry i have a fool proof way of getting out of trouble!" Husband says "I dont know..." John says "trust me" Husband says "ok fine" so it comes to about 10pm (got off at 4pm) Husband says "ok i have to go what is the plan?" John says "Ok listen" 1) turn the car off just before u get to the drive way and cost in and park 2) vary carfully open the door 3) when u get to the stairs take off all your clothes 4) vary sly like go up the stairs 5) when u get to the room start at the foot of the bed go under the covers and start eating her out! "There is no way she can be mad at u after that! Husband "ok i think that will work so he turns the car off and costs to the driveway, very carfully he opens the door and takes his clothes off, sly like he walks up the stairs, he starts at the foot of the bed and starts eating her out! When he is finished he goes to the bathroom to brush his teeth. when he goes to the bathroom his wife comes out of the shower and says "WHERE THE HELL HAVE U BEEN? I WAS GOING TO SUPRISE U THAT YOUR MOTHER CAME OVER BUT SHE IS ALREADY ASLEEP!

09-23-2003, 02:36 PM	#32 (permalink)
CSflim Sky Piercer Location: Ireland	Neon sign hung above a 24 hour abortion clinic: "You Rape 'Em, We Scrape 'Em - No Foetus Can Beat Us!" __________________

09-23-2003, 05:43 PM	#33 (permalink)
JusticeForPhat Crazy Location: Philly	todd311 wins. I have a ton of dead baby ones i won't repeat here though. And some bad pedohile ones. My friends and I considered publishing a book at one point. heres a terrible one since im too afraid to tell any of my good ones in fear of being banned: q: whats the worst part of a one night stand? a: re-burying the coffin after you blow your wad.

09-23-2003, 06:26 PM	#34 (permalink)
batm4n_23 Addict	holy cow -- some of those are sick

09-23-2003, 06:59 PM	#35 (permalink)
TheClarkster Very Proud of Ya Location: Simi Valley, CA	Some of those are sick? I think you mean all of them. Still a good laugh. __________________ Do not speak Latin in front of the books.