Hey folks, how 'bout a joke?
I can't remember any right now so I'll just make one up, freestyle.

Q: What did the one armed midget say when he walked up to tall stools at the poker table in the casino?

A: Hey man, can I get a hand here!?!?

here's another Jackson classic, found on http://williambader.com/mj.html and other sites.

"Q: Did you hear about the new McDonalds McJackson sandwich?
A: It's a 35 year old slab of meat between two 12 year old buns."

also, this:
Q. How can you tell when an Irishman's sober?
A. He'll be drinking whiskey.

What do you call a hot dog with no meat in it?

-
-
A hollow weenie.

What's green and eats nuts?


Syphilis! Ahahahah.

Thats gross....

I lost my apetite.

The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to ..... to ........ uh ..............

Very stupid jokes
 

Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies.

What did the apple say to the banana?
Nothing. Apples don't talk.

Two sausages are in a frying pan. One says, "Geez, it's hot in here isn't it?" And the other one says, "Aaaaaah! A talking sausage!"

What can you sit on, brush your teeth with, and eat soup with?
A chair, a toothbrush, and a spoon.

What's green and fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.

What did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall?
"Dam."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, hoping that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A neutron went into a bar and asked the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."

An atom said to another atom, "please help - someone has stolen one of my electrons." "Are you sure?" asked the other atom. "Yes," replied the first atom. "I'm positive."

What's red and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket.

What's blue and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket in disguise.

What's green and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.

A man visited his doctor for a regular checkup. The doctor checked him out and gave him some bad news. "There are two things wrong with you," he said. "You have cancer and Alzheimer's." "Well," said the man, "at least I don't have cancer."

A man was badly injured in a car accident. The entire left half of his body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined. The doctors said he was all right.

How are an elephant and a plum the same?
They're both purple, except for the elephant.

How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?
Step one: Open the door.
Step two: Put the elephant in.
Step three: Close the door.

How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Step one: Open the door.
Step two: Take the elephant out.
Step three: Put the giraffe in.
Step four: Close the door.

If an elephant and a giraffe had a race, who would win?
The elephant. The giraffe is in the refrigerator.

When ducks fly in a V, why is one side of the V longer than the other?
There are more ducks on that side.

Why are elephants gray?
So you don't get them confused with blueberries.

Why do ducks have flat webbed feet?
To stomp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have big flat feet?
To stomp out burning ducks.

:D

LAME...but still made me laugh :)

The "What can you sit on, brush your teeth with, and eat soup with?
A chair, a toothbrush, and a spoon. " one was the best

gaa, funny! I like stupid stuff.

what's brown and sounds like a bell?

DUNG

How did Helen Keller burn her left ear?
Answering the iron!

How did she burn the other?
The idiot called back!

that one is soo stupid that it made me laugh

i like the one about the grass, classic!

Not so stupid.

Humorous enough to make me smile!

Glad

Hey, who says they are stupid? I am still laughing. Thanks for the laughs.

Hehe, pretty funny. :P

Barrymore
 

Q. Why are there no ashtrays in Michael Barrymore's house?

A. Because he puts his fags out in the swimming pool.

Wonder how many people know that 'fag' is the word used by the Britts for ciggarette...

i do

Why do men pee in the shower but not in the bath?

Because its disgusting to pee in the bath

What arent mellons allowed to do?
 

they cant elope.


my bro got that one just passing it along.

ugh.

And yet, strangely, I'll no doubt repeat it. Thanks.

i didnt get it

"Can't elope."

"Cantelope"

What do you get when two giraffes collide?

A giraffic jam.

Classic Quickies...
 

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother.

How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.

What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling!

What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
You know she'll swallow.

What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.'

What's the definition of a Yankee?
Same thing as a "quickie," only you do it yourself.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no
intention of driving.

What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A mechanic!

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Jewish dilemma:
Free PORK.

What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin=20
Luther King Day?
On St. Patrick's Day, everybody wishes they were Irish.

How can you tell which is the head nurse?
The one with the dirty knees.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade: Who
has the biggest tits?
The blonde because she's 18.

Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock.

The three words most hated by men during sex?
"Are you In?" or "Is It In?"

Three words womem hate to hear when having sex
"Honey, I'm home!"

Why do men take showers instead of baths?
Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Did you hear about the new "Blonde" paint?
It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

How can you tell a macho women?
She rolls her own tampons.



Glad

hilarious, these are some of the funniest i have heard

A smooth lie is better than a distorted truth.

I got a sweater for Christmas. What I wanted was a moaner or a screemer.

Fhssss
 

The only rule in this joke is that you have to retell it to someone out loud, it really dosen't make any sense unless you say it. Enough for the build up...

Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A: Fhsssssss

WARNING: People might hit you after hearing this joke.

Don't follow in my footsteps, I walk into walls.

and...

I plan on living forever, so far so good.

here my best
 

whats the differnce between a blonde and a washer machine?
you can throw a load in the washer and it wont chase you around for a week...

Whats the difference between a girl from ND and a hockey player?

A hockey player showers after the third period.



Whats the difference between a girl from ND and a bowling ball?

You could eat a bowling ball if you had to..... or

You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball.... or

You can get a bowling ball out of the gutter.

Some blonde jokes:

What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
Spot

How can you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
The bushes are darker than the lawn.

How can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day?
She has a tampon behind her ear, and she can't find her cigarette.

What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 130?
A foursome.

How many blondes does it take to fuck the Cinncinati Bengals?
Just one. Boomer Esiason.

and some tastelss celebrity jokes about people no one remembers:

How is Klaus von Beulow like Clarence Birdseye?
They both have a lot of money tied up in vegetables.

Have you heard about Waldheims disease? It's when you get old and forget you were a Nazi.

What kind of Tennis racket doesn't float?
A Wilson.

There was a drink that was briefly popular on Mediterranean cruise ships in the '80s. It was called the Klinghoffer: 2 shots and a splash.

And one just sick:

What's black and white and red all over and has trouble with revolving doors?
A nun with a spear through her head.

Where do one-legged people go to eat?

IHOP

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts!

Hey guys, what can jelly beans do that men can't?



Come in multiple flavors!

Q: What's better than winning a gold medal at the special olympics?

A: Not being fucking retarded. . . .

Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A: Quarter Pounder w/ cheese!!!!
You'll never eat McDino's the same!!! HAHAHA

How do you get a Pikachu on a bus?

You Poke-him-on

king of pop
 

how do you know when it's bedtime at the neverland ranch??


-when the little hand touches the big hand.........

creeeepy.

Fruits into Vegetables ... not PC
 

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

Have a tiger bite it's neck.

Thought this up at work, thought it may be worth a chuckle


Where do two strangers go to have sex?

A condominimum.

what sleeps on the table?


a NAP-kin

Some funny stuff here. Gotta write some of these down.

Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!

I called in sick to work the other day. My boss said you don't sound sick. I said, "I'm fucking my sister, does that sound sick enough?"

First Law of Bicycling:
No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.

riddle
 

Why is something you're looking for always in the last place you look for it?


Because after you find it, you stop looking.

Rim shot... That's bad.

aaah... that was bad, but i still like it. hahaw

Re: Women...
 

HILARIOUS! I admire Einstein even more!

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

"quote" Jewish dilemma... FREE PORK...


Laughed my head off!

thanks for that 1, Glad-I-Ate-Her

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

how do you drown a blonde?

tell ehr theres a scrach and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool

Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.

Whaddya call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter it can't come.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left it.

Whaddya call a dog with two legs?
Scooter.

Howdya call a dog on three legs?
Ya can't, it's busy!

Howdya call a dog on one leg?
Just like ya usually do, then wipe the doggie do offa ya shoe.

All those were great.

Q) Why can't women count to 70?

A) 69 is too much of a mouthful

What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?

The hooker will stop screwing you after you're dead.

Maybe there aren't too many repeats

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.

Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Q. What's the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn't last forever.

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.

Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.

Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck.

Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
A. The captains log.

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q. Did you hear that the new and politically correct name for "lesbian".
A. It has been changed to "vagitarian".

Q. Why does a dog lick its penis?
A. Because it can't make a fist.

What's the Difference Between a Woman and a Refrigerator?

The Refrigerator doesn't Fart when you take the meat out!

A skelaton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

A baby seal walks into a club.


Think about it for a minute

Whats the difference between a woman and a computer?

A woman won't accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy...

There are 2 cookies in a oven

cookie 1 says to cookie 2, "Do u smell something burning?"

cookie 2 says to cookie 1, "HOLY SHIT! A TALKING COOKIE!"

--------

How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a lite bulb?

wanna ride bikes?

This one seems sorta relivent to the latest new:

Q: Whats the diference between PMS and MCD (Mad Cow)?

A: Trick question, there is none...

Dude, you did it wrong.

How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

LET'S GO RIDE BIKES!!!

I like the fssssssssh one quite a bit.

I bet these are new.

Q: How many electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One.

Q: What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
A: Getting raped.

Either you love 'em or you hate 'em.

Q: Why did the plane crash?
A: Because the pilot was a banana.

heres a few i like...

Q: What do you call 9 parachuting lawyers?
A: Skeet!

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquitto?
A: Mosquittos stop sucking when you slap them.

chemistry joke...
Q: Whats new in chemistry?
A: c over lambda

one liner
If you are not part of the solution, then you are part of the precipitate.

(sorry for anyone that took offense)

Life's Rules and Observations

Gardening Rule: When weeding,
the best way to make sure you are removing a weed
and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.
If it comes out of the ground easily,
it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house
is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously.
Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians
the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

An unbreakable toy is useful
for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win,
and winners never quit,
then who is the fool who said,
"Quit while you're ahead?"

Health is merely the slowest possible rate
at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave
is the depth.

Get the last word in:
Apologize.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you twenty pounds
and a substantial tax cut saves you forty pence?

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession.
I have come to realize
that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

Q: What's green, and is on wheels?
A: Grass. I lied about the wheels.


1-"Man, this place is covered with updawg!"
2-"What's 'updawg'?"
1-"What's up, dawg?!"


Yeah, they're really bad. But I have friends that can't stop laughing when they hear those, haha.
Yeah, I need new friends.

You know why Eskimos wash their mukluks in Tide?

'cuz it's too code out tide.

**Edited for being overly offensive.**

**Quote edited out due to reference to offensive joke**

That's the best tasteless one on here in a long time. Truly offensive.

What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?


Neil Armstrong was the first man to WALK on the MOON...







Michael Jackson has sex with children.

what do an airplane, and a woman have in common?
cockpit

Great pickup line:

Hey baby, are you German? 'Cause I can see you attacking my Pole.

Heh, these are so great.

Why don't sharks eat lawyers?

Professional courtesy :)

That's awesome.

**edited for "baby joke" content**

Stolen from Robin Williams:

A drunk guy walks up to a girl in the bar and says "Hey baby, where you from?"

She turns and yells at him "Fuck off!"

He sits there for a second.. thinks.. and says "Oh really, you're Russian?"

(hint, say "Fuck Off" fairly quickly.. it sounds russian hehe)
hehe.

Two blonds walk into a building...

You'd think one of them would have seen it.

Build a man a fire and you'll keep him warm for a night,
set a man on fire and you'll keep him warm for the rest of his life.

Some Micheal Jackson jokes

Q: Whats the difference between Micheal Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is white, made of plastic and is harmful to children, the other is used to carry grocery.

Q: Did you hear what the Pope says this morning?
A: "If Micheal Jackson keep on molesting children, he'll (the Pope) have no choice but to make him (M.J) a priest!"

bada-bing!

A three year old boy in his bath examined his testicles and asked,
"Mommy, are these my brains?"
Mom said, "Not yet, honey.

have you heard the legend about the cave... i dont want to go into it

have u heard the joke about the pencil.... im not sharp on the details

have you heard the story about the rock... its too hard to tell

hah tons of ones like that.. not funny but they always make people laugh

this guy walks into a bar....ouch

what's the difference between Skittles ands men?
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skittles come in different colors.

why do women like 92 yr old gynecologists?

shaky hands

:D

did you hear they caught ronald mcdonald masturbating in public?

they had to change his name to ronald mcfondled

Did ya'll here the one about the plastic surgon that "hung" himself?

some good material people.

"Hurt me," said the masochist. "No," said the sadist.

i got a blonde joke here:

A blonde went to bring a skirt to the drycleaners, the drycleaner said "thank you, come again" the blonde said "nope, it's juice this time."

What's the difference between a cow and a hamster?

Cows usually survive the branding.

how do you know it's bedtime at the neverland ranch?

the big hand is on the little one.

**michael jackson joke, if you're clueless**

how do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an alter boy.

HAHAHAHAHAAHAH!!!!!!

Q:When is a "asian" girl happy to get an 'F' ?

A:When its her bra size.


(I deserve to go to hell, making fun of my own people like that.....:lol: )

The only gay rights I don't support at all...
...are the log cabin republicans.

how do you get a nun pregnant?
you fuck her, how else?