Reminds me of a similar joke...

What is the difference between the circus and (insert female band or group here)?

One has cunning stunts, the other...

NO DEAD BABY JOKES. AT ALL.

next one is an outright ban.

I AGREE!!!!!!!

hehehehe........ nice one...

What's the difference between a nun and a prostitute in a bath?
The nun has a soul full of hope...

What's the difference between fish and mountain goats?
Fish muck around in fountains...

Those are great!

What's the difference between an epileptic oyster and a whore with diarrhea?
One you shuck between fits...

So a Priest and a pedafile walk into a bar, and that's just the first guy! *badaba ching*

Why did the cowboy screw his sheep on cliffs?
so the sheep pushed back!

I use to date a midget. I was nuts over her!

Three cowboys and a cymbal walk into a bar.

Ba-dum-bum-tssssss.

From Bob and Tom this morning:

What's the last thing a drummer says when he's in a band?
Hey fellas, I wrote a couple of songs...

How do roadies know the stage is level?
There's drool coming out of both side of the drummers mouth.

And one from somewhere else:
How do you get a base player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

dont know if it's been used yet but a favorite of mine is still
2 guys walk into a bar, it's kinda funny, you'd think the second one would have seen it coming.

kick ass thread

Dingalingalinglon
 

A recent study revealed that 85% of all Japanese men have cataracts.
The rest drive Rincons and Chevrorays.


What? Thats funny!

lol


Thats not funny!

okay so it is....

lol

that's all bad man :]]

Whats teh difference between an iraqi soldier and a british soldier?

you dont know?? Welcome to the US airforce!

Chemsitry joke (possible groaner)
 

So this cop stops a guy who was speeding. He says "Excuse me sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but i know where i am!"


(electron uncertainty principle)

Tony Randel(Felix Unger from tv's The Odd Couple) told this on the Jhonny Carson Show about 25 years ago.

Q: What's the difference between a stick-up and a hold-up?

A: Age

Q: What did the seven dwarfs say when the prince awakened Snow White?

A: “I guess it’s back to jerking off.”

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?





Christopher Walken...

I'm going to hell for sure...

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper.

The bartender says, “Hey! Did you know you have a steering wheel attached to your willie?”

The pirate replies, “Aye! It’s driving me nuts!”

A woman asks her husband, “Do you love me only because my father died and left me a fortune?”

“Of course not,” he says. “I’d love you no matter who left you the money.”

What has two legs and bleeds profusely?

Half of a cat.

small?
 

Q: what (3) (2)-letter words mean small?












A: is it in

ROFL


Ouch,thats harsh :)

LOL

b-b-b-B-B-BRUTAL!

ahha hahahhaaa !!! good one.

now this is small.....

My friends and I were talking about our sex lives..... when It came to names for things.... I told the fellas that my wife calls her pussy.... Miss wiskers..... They all laugh. Then one says "my wife calls hers YET ........ she is always asking "is it in YET?"

poor poor man

HAHAHAHA i almost killed myself reading this thread :)

Fortune Cookie
 

Did ja hear about the redneck fortune cookie?


It's a piece of cornbread with a food stamp baked inside.

these might be risque, but i heard them today. they aren't exactly racial, but nowadays, it takes very little to offend anyone. if it offends anyone, i'm sorry. pm me and i'll remove it.

Q. What do you call a mexican who got his car stolen?
A. Car-los

Q. What do you call 2 mexicans playing basketball?
A. Juan-on-Juan

Q. What do you call a mexican with no car?
A. Juaquin

oh yeah, these jokes were told to me by a mexican friend. plus i didn't find it too offensive as it is only a play on their names.

Confucious on baseball: "Man with four balls cannot walk."

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's

"How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?"

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."



To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little._____
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

1. If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?



2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?



3. How did a fool and his money get together?



4. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?



5. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?



6. What's another word for thesaurus?



7. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?



8. What do they use to ship styrofoam?



9. Why is abbreviation such a long word?



10. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?



11. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?



12. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?



13. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?



14. Does fuzzy logic tickle?



15. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?



16. What was the best thing before sliced bread?



17. "Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."



18. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?



19. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?



20. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?



21. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?



22. Is it possible to be totally partial?



23. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?


24. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?


25. Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?


26. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?


27. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?


28. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?


29. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?


30. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?


31. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?


32. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?


33. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?


34. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?


35. Why is the word abbreviation so long?


36. When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?


37. If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

What's brown and sticky?
 

A stick.

sk

what's big, red and eats rocks?

A BIG RED... ROCK... eater.... i'll go

sticks aren't sticky, well I guess it would depend on what kind of wood it is, hey what kind of a stick are we talking about here?

COMEDY GOLD!

sticks ARE sticky, as in having the quality of being stick-like!


one of the all time best horrible jokes.

two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says "how do you drive this thing?"

haha these are great

It may take a village to raise a child,

but....


It takes only one child to raze a village.



OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Did you hear about the two antenna's that got married?

The ceremony was long and boring but the reception was great.

Q:What do fat chicks do when it's hot out?

A:Stink.

Seen on bumper sticker:

"Jesus used to be my co-pilot. But then we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him."

Oh, what the hell.


What kind of lettuce was served on the Titanic? Iceburg.

How do we know the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas?
Anywhere else, it would have been called a TEETHbrush.

Seen on bumper sticker: Driver carries no cash. He's married.

Paleontologists have discovered the first lesbian dinosaur: Licksalottapuss.

Scientists have finally found the gene for shyness. They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding.

Who do you call when you hurt your toe? A tow-truck.

How can an atom be sure if it lost its electron? Don't worry, it's positive.

A dog walks into a bar with its leg in a sling and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"

How does a duck pay for chapstick? He just puts it on his bill.

Why does OJ Simpson want to live in Arkansas? Everyone has the same DNA.

what is a couple of crack heads favorite sexual position?

doggy style....so they can both peer out the window.

How do you kknow when you have had a Good time?
 

How do you know when you have had a good time?







When you wake up in the morning and discover shit under your fingernails, and your face feels like a glazed doughnut!

More Blonde Jokes
 

1. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
(You have to hollow out the head.)

2. Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists?
(They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.)

3. Hear about the blonde that got an AM RADIO?
(It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon.)

4. What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
(They drowned during Spring Training.)

5. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
(To see what was on the other side.)

6. How did the blonde die drinking milk?
(The cow stepped on her.)

7. How did the blonde burn her nose?
(Bobbing for French fries.)

8. Why do blondes have more fun?
(They're easier to amuse.)

9. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
(Frosted flakes.)

10. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
(They keep breaking them with their hammers.)

11. Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air?
(She missed.)

12. What is it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear?
(Data transfer.)

13. Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
(Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.)

14. Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead?
(She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.)

15. Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs?
(She needed them for the darkroom she was building.)

16. Why are Asians so smart?
(No blondes.)

17. What is the biggest advantage to marrying a blonde?
(You get to park in the Handicapped Zone ).

What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Megasoreass

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalotopuss

Pick up lines:

'Dont make me stalk you'

'Lets play armies. Ill lay down and you can blow me away'

'You mean you cant play soccer. Maybe you just need some wog in you'

'If you play your cards right you could have me tonight'

'You know what they say about guys with big noses'

'Your looking very pretty tonight'
'Piss off'
'Oh you must of misheard me. I said you look very fat in that dress'

you forgot
"are you free tonight or do i have to pay?"

classic stuff there................thanks for the laffs

Cheers

be careful what you ask for
 

Yesterday my girlfriend told me to give her 8 inches and really hurt her.

So I fucked her twice and punched her in the mouth.


Hope this wasn't a repost. I heard this from a coworker and almost laughed out a donut hole on him.

I Want to Die........
 

Just like my grandad, quietly in his sleep,

Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car





/oops!

Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory?

She was throwing out all the W's.

Here's one from when I was a kid.
What's the strongest thing in the world?
A bra - it holds up 2 milk factories and a boys play ground

And then there was the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who lay awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.

Why can't you take a picture of a man with a wooden leg?

A wooden leg is not a camera.

the creature from the black lagoon.
 

How is the creature from the black lagoon like an M&M?

...
He milts in your mouth, not in you hands.

Bad joke

How can you tell if a redneck is married?


There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.

Grand Canyon
 

What does walking a tightrope across the Grand Canyon and having an 80 year old woman give you a blow job have in common?

You just have to remember one thing --- Don't look down!!

I i will retell that

Nice 1

2 Eighteen Year olds
 

What's better than screwing two eighteen year old girls at once?

Nothing

good one liner

4 nine year olds?

Whats the difference between a guy falling from 10th floor of a building and a guy falling from the 1sr floor of a building?

Guy falling from 10th floor:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGGHHHHHH
HHHHHHH!!!!!!!
.
.
.
.
*SPLAT*!!

Guy falling from the 1st floor:

*SPLAT*!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!

True story: Dont know if this is original but I was telling my son about some guy at work who took a loan from one of the companies advertising "cheap" loans on TV.

"Borrowing his way out of debt, is he?" was the reply.

Nationality
 

If you're an American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom?







European (You're A Peein)

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day

Duke University Medical Center is reporting an unusual occurrence in the Obstetrics department: a child was born with both male and female organs.

A penis and a brain.

There are two rules for success in life:

Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.

Burn
 

Him: "Why don't you ever tell me when you have an orgasm?"

Her: "Because you're never home when it happens."

Ouch, lol.

Class! :D

so funny, yet so true it's sad :(

Ow Ow Ow! good one!

Q: What do you get when you mix a Jehovah's Witness with a Hell's Angel?

A: Someone who knocks on your front door at 7:30 Sunday morning, and tells <b>you</b> to fuck off.

What has 7 arms and sucks?
Def Leppard.

What sucks about eating vegetables?
Putting them back in the wheelchair.

Two Fish and a Parrot
 

Two fish sitting on a perch one said can you smell fish?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A ladies parrot dies, so she decides to replace it and she goes to the local petshop and asks for one.
Petshop man says Sorry, we dont have any new parrots, but we have one here thats older and come from a home where they moved and couldnt take the parrot (was brothel).
Lady has a look at the parrot and thinks its alright and quite pretty, so she pays the man and takes it home.
She sticks the parrot in a cage in the corner of the living room, she walks away and the parrot thinks, new house.
The Womens too young and teenager daughters walk in and the parrot thinks, new girls.
The womens husband walks in and the parrot says Hello Dave.

You dont say!

Thie one is tough in written form but here goes. Sitting in an airport, frustrated, waiting for your flight to arrive/leave. Spoken with a thick German accent...

"Welcome to SwineAir, you fly when we do."

when does a fruit turn into a vegetable?


when a tiger drags it offstage by the neck.

JimK, that was so wrong. I laughed so hard I damn near shit myself. Wrong is always funny. Damn, I'm going to tell that so many times it won't be funny anymore.

What has 80 balls and screws little old ladies?

Bingo.

i aim to please, dickhead.

Q: What did the Buddhist monk ask the hotdog vendor?

A: Make me ONE with everything.

:D :D :D

LOL... that's funny too..

jack&jill
 

Jack & Jill went up the hill so jack could lick jill's fanny, jack went down with quite a frown coz jill's a fucking tranny !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

a rather sick joke I found.
 

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and an abortion clinic?

Only one of them will kill your kid by dropping him off a balcony.

.....Semi-funny i guess :P

Sick indeed.

eh...

Definitely twisted...my kind of joke

lol wrong, but funny