some groaners and some good ones. thanks

I thank you for that. Now I won't be the only one burning in hell for telling Jesus jokes.

heh, good one

great list man. kudos

Excellent list of funnies

Good list. Some classics there.

Glad

hahaha, good ones.

Q. What did the dumb guy say when he stubbed his toe?

A. Nothing.

those are great, thanks.

Haha, man I have had teachers that would tell jokes exactly like this all the time. Most were funny like these are, others brought pain to my right eyeball...

Number 14 is the best.

Interesting Use Of Capitals In That Post, Lol.
But really, thanks for posting, I liked 'em all. The groanier the better, I always say. Well, I never say it. Whatever. Thanks again.

Yeah, good ones, all. Sacrilarious!

Hahaha! Amen to that joke.

rhyme
 

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke a little reef ,
Jack got high pulled down his fly and Jill said where's the beef !

those were good, in a bad way.

Ha ha ha thats a funny one :lol:

Ouch...What Would Jesus Say about a joke like that?!? LOL...those are pretty horribly funny though.

I may go to hell for this, but I got a kick out of the joke

its funny cause its true

dont know why but 21 made me giggle

God I love this thread!:thumbsup:

i am so going to hell

Definitely some good ones in there! Thanks!

It made me giggle, and I know why! All good ones bud, keep it up.

Somebodys gonna lose a trailer!!! That's great!

very good stuff! great posting!

Q. What kind of bees make milk?


A. Boo-bees. ;)

Q: What do you do to an elephant with three balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the rhinoceros!

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN
1.His first name was Jesus.
2.He was always in trouble with the law.
3.His mother did not know who his father was.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH
1.He went into his father business.
2.He lived at home until the age 33.
3.He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure was God.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH
1.He never got married.
2.He never held a steady job.
3.His last request was a drink.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN
1.He talked with his hands.
2.He had wine with every meal.
3.He worked in the building trades.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK
1.He called everybody 'brother'.
2.He had no permanent address.
3.Nobody would hire him.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN
1.He never cut his hair.
2.He walked around barefoot.
3.He invented a new religion.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS FRENCH
1.He never changed his clothes.
2.He only washed his feet.
3.He didn't speak any English.

One day in heaven, St. Peter was guarding the gates of heaven where he waited for all the souls to come. There he would look at the book of life and decide whether the soul is going in or not. Well, one day he feels he is tired, he sees Jesus walking by and he calls him.

-Hey Jesus, can you do me a favor?

-Sure what do you want?

-I need to go to the bathroom to take a piss, can you guard the gate for a couple of minutes?

- Sure, I'll be glad to!

So Peter goes "to the bathroom" but ends up getting drunk at a bar and he forgets he has to go back to the gate. Meanwhile, Jesus is waiting for Peter to come back and 15 minutes passes, 30, 2 hours, and so on. But since Jesus is such a benevolent man he patiently waits.

Later Jesus spots an old man walking towards him. The old man gets to the gate and tells Jesus, "Hi, I've been walking towards this place for about an hour. I guess this is heaven, can I come in?"

Jesus doesn't know what he has to do so he tells the old man to wait because he thinks Peter will be back any minute. There they are, staring at each other with nothing to say.

Jesus breaks the ice and asks, "So, tell me a little about yourself."

The old man replies," "Well I was a poor woodworker who lived in a fishing village by the sea. I'm no big deal, but almost everyone has heard of my son. I was so sad when he was gone. I would give anything to see him one more time."

Jesus looks at the man and says "Really, why?"

The old man lights up as he speaks "There never has been nor will there ever be another like him. He always tried to do the right thing, and everyone was amazed by the things that he did. Many books have been written about him and almost everyone in the world knows about him, he loved little kids and always encouraged everyone to do the right thing."

Jesus begins to think and he asks him, "Anything peculiar about him?"

The old man answers "Well, his birth was a unique and magical event, and he had holes in his hands and feet.

With his heart full of joy Jesus looks at the man and says: "Father!"

The old man looks at Jesus with tears in his eyes and says: "PINOCCHIO!!!"

Bwuahahaha!!!! Awesome!!

Whats long, hard and full of semen?




a submarine

lol

A Mexican, a polish guy, a rabbi, and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and goes, "What is this, some kind of a joke?

Q- What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
A- One less drunk

Q- What is 8 inches long and white?
A- Nothing.

How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?



One, if you slice him thin enough

That's the best lawyer joke I've ever heard!

How do you know when you're at a Gay Picnic?



The Hot Dogs taste like Shit!

Jesus walks into a hotel, lays down three nails in front of the manager and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?


One of them has <b><i>walked</b></I> on the <b><i>moon</B></i>...



wait for it...





wait for it....




And the other one likes to fuck little boys.


Thank you! Good night! Try the veal!

Please stop....I hurt my ribs this weekend and I can't stop laughing...now I'm actually crying from the pain. WAY TOOOOOOO FUNNY!

kotex
 

Q: What do you do if your kotex catches on fire?

A: Take it out and Tampon-it.:rolleyes:

farts
 

Q: Why do farts stink?

A: So def people can enjoy them too.

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."


Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says : "Pint please, and one for the road."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

... Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle that matches the impression in her forehead!

Q: Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for Winter."

hair
 

How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair?
Spit.

haven't seen the exhibition forum have you?

As has been said, Halx's is the admin for a reason. :D

Why is it so hard for women to pee in the morning?
..Have you ever tried peeling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Sorry crappy joke!

A Man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs
A Woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need

Q) So why do so many women love Jesus?
A) Because he is hung like this (hold your arms out).

What do you tell a woman who says: "Guu *garble* Srralo" ?

"Of course you have to swallow it!"

Heres 1 for hiphop fans,


What did 50 Cent say to his grandmother when she gave him a sweater for Christmas?

Gee, you knit?

You might be a redneck
 

If your working television set is on top of your none working television set

now those are funny...except the peadophile one...that's not cool

So THAT'S why...
 

What do broccoli and anal sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a child, you won't like it as an adult.

-Mikey

Ugh.
Thats just wrong, hehe.

Ugh...

eewww, funny though

that is bad bad bad, but it made me laugh :lol:

Oh gross... but hehe thats sooooo funny!

LOL that is damn funny :D.

That's just evil.

Needless to say, I'll be telling it tomorrow.

Hehehe.. true!

hehe, thanks.

>winces< That's awesome

Nasty

Gorss heh

You're a sick man Mikey....sick, but funny.

what did the snail say while riding on the turtle's back???


wheeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

thats just down right wrong

man that is so wrong. I can't figure out while I'm still chuckling though. Thanks

Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?


A: He doesn't want anyone to know he's been fucking chickens.

Q. Did you here about the guy who drowned in his muesli?

A. A strong current pulled him in.


Q: Why did Mickey Mouse divorce Minnie Mouse?

A: Because she was fucking Goofy


Q: How did the farmer find his sheep in the long grass?

A: Very satifying


Q: Whats green and smells like pork?

A: Kermits finger

Sick, sick, sick!

lol

Oh man... thats just wrong!

I should be grossed out. Why can't I stop laughing?

Sick Sick Sick



But funny

OH NO!!!!!!! thats just horrible ....ly funny!!!!!!!!!

Sounds pretty inappropriate to me. Forced anal sex as a child? Not cool.

ok, it made me giggle too.

I've always liked brocolli

completely sick... but hilarious...

sick but I couldn't help but laugh. thanks

Haha that's horrible.

hehe...good one...i love brocollis tho...well that's besides the point

Q: How do you titilate an ocelot?

A: Oscillate its tits a lot.

How do you get a nun pregnant?




Ya fuck 'er!

horrible joke...

Why is 6 scared of 7?


Cuz 7 8 9 (cuz 7 ate 9...)

Booooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK Something to make up for that last one...

GREAT ONE-LINERS...
1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!
2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10) Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.
11) I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.
12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
13) NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
14) God must love stupid people; he made so many.
15) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
16) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
17) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
18) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
19) MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
20) Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
21) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
22) Procrastinate Now!
23) My Dog Can Lick Anyone.
24) I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
25) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
26) A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
27) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
28) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
29) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
30) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
31) A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
32) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
33) The trouble with life is there's no background music.
34) The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson

God put me one this earth to acomplish a certain number of things.

At the moment im so far behind i'll never die

Did you see the latest pirate movie?

No? Probably because it was rate AAAARRRRRR!

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "You drive. I'll man the guns."

did u know gullible isnt listed in the dictionary

How many dyslexics does it change to take a lightbulb?

Man goes to fancy dress party, wearing nothing but a jam jar on his penis.
A lady asked what he is, he says fireman... break glass, pull knob, I’ll come as fast as I can!



HHAAAAA!!!!!!!!!




"A TV may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer!"





"Women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful.”






“In the last couple of months I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in the world?
Men not paying enough attention to women’s breasts?”

What do you call a door that isnt a door?

a Jar (ajar: partly open)

Whats the difference?
 

Dont know if this ones been posted here before but here goes.

Whats the difference between a smart midget and a vaginal disease?
Ones a cunning runt and the other's a running cunt.