Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community  

Go Back   Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community > Interests > Tilted Humor


 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 03-24-2006, 09:47 AM   #1 (permalink)
Devoted
 
Redlemon's Avatar
 
Donor
Location: New England
The Eating Machine

I stole these true stories off of the great blog, The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions. Enjoy:
Quote:
While we were staying with my in-laws, I realized things were oddly quiet and I called out for my two-year-old. He answered, and I found him in my father-in-law's bedroom playing with a bottle of prescription ear medicine, with the cap off.

I was immediately terrified, and tried to find out if he swallowed it. He and I then conducted the following ridiculous interrogation scene...

Me: What did you do with this?

Him: I PUT IT IN DA BELLY BUTTON.

Me: Okay... did you put it in your mouth?

Him: .... yeah.

I couldn't tell if he was telling the truth, so I pressed on.

Me: Did you put it on your foot?

Him: No.

Me: Did you put it in your... nose?

Him: No.

Me: Did you put it in your... mouth?

Him: ... yeah.

Shit! He really did it.

I looked up the number for poison control and called. They really knew their stuff. The woman was immediately able to tell me that the medicine wasn't toxic. She was also highly amused at the belly button answer.

Calling Poison Control was such a pleasant experience that I was actually looking forward to calling them again 5 days later when he walked into the kitchen carrying a giant tub of Vaseline.

Me: What are you doing with that?

Him: I EATIN' IT!

This kid is out of control. You know those scenes where raccoons break into the cabin and wreck the kitchen in minutes, eating anything they can? That's him.

I wasn't too panicked about this one, but the jar did say that if gets eaten that I should call my buds back at Poison Control.

I did, and they said it was no big deal, but he might experience a mild laxative effect.

Good. Serves him right for making me experience one when I walked in and found him with the bottle of fucking ear medicine.
Quote:

I believe my wife may have cheated on me a few years ago.

I'm not sure who she did it with, but I've narrowed it down to the following list of suspects:

Augustus Gloop
President Taft
Grape Ape
Billy and/or Benny McCrary
Hot Dog Eating Champion Takeru Kobayashi

My 2-year-old is an unstoppable eating machine. To put it bluntly, he's an animal. (Yes, I'm referring to the one who ate the ear medicine and vaseline.) The number of times a day I hear the phrase "I WANT SUMFIN TO EAT!" is staggering.

Maybe he's just growing. He isn't necessarily chubby and he's a little tall for his age. Personally I'm hoping he ends up 11 feet tall, because I have no doubt he's going to be 900 pounds.

Last week there was another moment where things in the house had gotten eerily quiet. I walked around looking for the hungry one, and found him sitting on the kitchen floor, hunched over with his back to me.

When I asked what he was doing, "I EATIN' PRINKLES!" was the reply.

He turned around to reveal a rainbow of color stuck to his face.

He had managed to get his hands on an entire tub of rainbow sprinkles and was devouring them by the fistful. I'm confident had I not walked in, they'd be long gone.

I took the tub and went to put it someplace out of the way. When I turned back, he was on all fours, eating them off the floor like a dog.

My wife believes he resorted to this tactic because he couldn't pick up the tiny sprinkles with his fingers. I believe he did it because he's an animal.

It's funny that his older brother keeps asking me for a dog. He doesn't seem to understand that I actually got us one that can talk.
__________________
I can't read your signature. Sorry.
Redlemon is offline  
Old 03-24-2006, 10:29 AM   #2 (permalink)
Extreme moderation
 
Toaster126's Avatar
 
Location: Kansas City, yo.
Awesome... now I have a new funny site to check out as a bonus.
__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)
Toaster126 is offline  
Old 03-24-2006, 10:55 AM   #3 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Location: LI,NY
This is too funny. I can picture everything he said and I am glad my son does not do that, anymore.
__________________
"Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles." ~Alex Karras
Meditrina is offline  
Old 03-24-2006, 12:48 PM   #4 (permalink)
Unencapsulated
 
JustJess's Avatar
 
Location: Kittyville
This site is awesome, thanks, Redlemon! :*
__________________
My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.
JustJess is offline  
Old 03-24-2006, 01:20 PM   #5 (permalink)
Upright
 
Location: Bottom of a Bottle
that is hilarious, I really liked the last one. Awesome.
__________________
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
DJKDAWG is offline  
Old 03-24-2006, 02:50 PM   #6 (permalink)
Searching for the perfect brew!
 
Brewmaniac's Avatar
 
Red, this is so funny. Reality is a hoot! Thanks
__________________
"That's a joke... I say, that's a joke, son"
Brewmaniac is offline  
 

Tags
eating, machine

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 07:19 AM.

Tilted Forum Project

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2
© 2002-2012 Tilted Forum Project

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320 321 322 323 324 325 326 327 328 329 330 331 332 333 334 335 336 337 338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355 356 357 358 359 360