lets knock out a quick hundred.....

I'm for it.

A newly-married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. "Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist. "Only one," replies the bride. "I won't take it up the arse."
--

Water-sealed and air-tight.

What is arguably one of the most costly things in the world? A girl who is free for the evening.

Tell me more.

A man is sitting on his front step staring morosely at the ground when his neighbour strolls over. The neighbour tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbour asks what the problem is. "Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse." "What was the question?" the neighbour asks. "My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly." "That's easy," says the neighbour. "You just say, 'Of course I will.'" "Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

The 3 Postketeers.

I was in a pub and told the following joke: What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath? Throw your clothes in so they get a wash.

Once the guffawing of my friends had died down, I became aware of a man on the other side of the bar, looking quite choked and talking to the landlord. The landlord came over to me and told me that the gentleman at the bar had recently lost his son and that my joke had offended him. I thought I should apologise. I approached the gentleman at the bar and offered my condolences for his loss and my apologies if my joke had upset him. He said that the joke had only got to him because his son was an epileptic and it was a fit which killed him.

I wondered as to how a fit could actually kill someone and the man said that his son had slipped and hit his head and that was what had killed him. I asked where his son had slipped and the man said it was in the bath. Well, I realised then how inappropriate my joke had been in the circumstances.

"Did your son hit his head on a tap then?" I asked. "No," replied the man. "He choked on one of my socks..."

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

ha! I like that!

An 80-year old man goes for physical. All tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies: "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get in up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom - poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, Poof! The light goes off." "Wow, that's incredible," says the doctor.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and - poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done - poof! The light goes off?" "Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's pissing in the bloody fridge again!"

An 80-year old man goes for physical. All tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies: "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get in up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom - poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, Poof! The light goes off." "Wow, that's incredible," says the doctor.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and - poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done - poof! The light goes off?" "Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's pissing in the bloody fridge again!"

Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.

http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1287/...366d9b.jpg?v=0

Oh yes, the closing scene from quentin's movie... loved it!

To some - marriage is a word ... to others - a sentence.

Which one?

She's hot!

Those jokes are good. :p

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to $5, when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of chocolate cake complimentary from the last shop.

She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours prancing around town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require around the clock care to feed him, cloth him and change his nappy. And you'll now be his carer!"

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead! What'd you buy?"

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/252/5...8d715b.jpg?v=0

I seem to have a contact who posts nothing but roller derby girls. :|

Dusk till Dawn, of course!

Never even heard of it.

n Irishman, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness and having a contest to see who could make the best toast.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" Thinking quickly John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary." She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to yank him to make him come!"

How awesome is this? :D

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/136/3...fed32959_o.jpg

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0116367/


check it..........

Clicked it.

A young Aussie moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home." The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Aussie said "One."

The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" "101,237.64." The Aussie replied. The manager choked and exclaimed "101,237.64? What the hell did you sell him!?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me… a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4×4...?" "No... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said... 'Well, since your weekend’s fucked, you might as well go fishing.'"

Damn, I want to watch this movie right now! :D

Hey, Esteric.... come on, lad, keep posting.... don't let us push ya aside, we need you, too!

That's a good movie.

A Jew and a non-Jew are travelling on a train together when suddenly the gentile asks "Why are you Jews so smart?" The Jew is quiet for a moment and then says "it's because of all the herring we eat."

A few hours later the Jew takes out some herring and starts to eat it. The gentile asks "How much herring do you have?" and the Jew answers "A dozen pieces". "And how much do you want for a piece?" "20 kopecks" (a lot of money).

The man hands the money over and the Jew gives him a piece of herring. "He takes a bite and says suddenly "I could have bought this same herring in Moscow for a few kopecks". To this the Jew responds "see... your getting smarter already."

I think he is caught in freeze...

Yu seen it as well?

Yes, yes I have. I suggest you see it as soon as you can!

Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked. "No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight." The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

A man walked into the corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the money from the cash register. After the cashier put the money in the bag as instructed, the man demanded the bottle of Scotch he saw behind the counter. The cashier refused to hand over the Scotch because he did not believe the man was 21. The robber swore he was, but still the clerk refused. Finally, the robber handed over his ID and proved that he was indeed twenty-one. As soon as he left, the cashier called and gave the police the name and address of the man who had just robbed the store. The suspect was arrested two hours later.

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce" she yelled. Bruce came running in.

"Bruce, I've gone an' bloody suctioned m'self to the floor" she said.
"Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up.

"You're stuck like bloody superglue, woman. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate). They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"No way. We can't do it, have ta go with Plan B," Cobba said.

"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce, "What's that"?

"I'll go get my hammer and chisel outta the ute and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba

"Spot on, you're a legend," Bruce said

"While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits."

"Play with her tits"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?"

"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".

http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1100/...e6b75de1_b.jpg
@ sandestin resort, destin, fl.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you've already told the bitch twice.

Who Dat, Jet????

I wonder how far we have progressed?

The weather looks shitty. :\

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Crap, I forgot the number.

we will weather the weather, wether we can or wether we not.

ADULTERY - The wrong people doing the right thing.
ALIMONY - The screwing you get for the screwing you got.
BABY - A hollow tube with a loud voice at one end and a complete lack of responsibility at the other end.
CHIVALRY - A mans inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself.
CONSTIPATION - To have and to hold.
COOKIE - A virgin doughnut.
DECOY - A flashlight in the pants pocket.
DIARY - Book of revelations.
DOCTOR - A lucky fellow who is privileged to undress women and go all over them without getting his face slapped.
FATHER'S DAY - Nine months before labor day.
GENTLEMAN - One who is always careful to rest at least half his weight on his elbows.
HORSE SHOW - A lot of horses showing their asses to a lot of horses' asses showing their horses.
HUSBAND - What is left after the nerve has been killed.
KEPT WOMAN - One who wears mink all day and fox all night.
A KISS - Upper persuasion for lower invasion; upstairs shopping for downstairs merchandise.

He nose we're scared, but let snot run.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding over the high plains, suddenly Tonto stops, gets off his horse kneels down and puts his ear to the ground. After several seconds he looks up at the Lone Ranger and says, "buffalo come". to which the Lone Ranger asks, "How do you know". Tonto get back up on his horse wiping his ear and replies, "Ground all sticky"

I had a few of those jokes scribbled somewhere, but I decided to throw them out for whatever dumb reason. :(

1 is the loneliest number.

Australian vs Kiwi vs a Blonde

In a train carriage there was a Kiwi guy, an Australian guy, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Australian had a big slap mark on his cheek.
(1) The blonde thought - "That Australian son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face"
(2) The fat lady thought - "The dirty old Australian laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".
(3) The Kiwithought - "That fucking Aussie put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".
(4) The Aussiethought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid Kiwi again".

Actually upon intense mathematical logistics, the loniest number is actually 0.59...

A KIWI is hoping to immigrate to Australia, and arrives at Kingsford Smith Airport on a sunny Wednesday morning full of optimism for the future.

Still, things do not go quite as planned ...

"What is your business in Australia?" the customs officer asks him politely.
" I wish to immigrate," the Kiwi replies.

"Do you have a criminal record?" the officer inquires.

Stunned, the crestfallen Kiwi replies: "Geez, bro, I didn't think you still needed one".

History is outlandish.

just a bunch of hot chicks.... nuthin' to see here

We're dragging our feet here.

just a hot bikini girl giving another bikini girl, a wedgie....

These pictures would be hot, if whatever site you're pulling them from would allow you to hot-link them. :D

bugger.... sorry bout dat....

I'll stop

How about more jokes? :D

Nice ass!

slows you down, reading them... hehehehehe

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Bono is at a U2 concert in Dublin when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says in to the microphone... "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice from near the front pierces the silence... "Well, fucking stop clapping then!!"

I had to copy and paste the address to see them, so I only saw the 50-woman one. Darn.

Here is my addition:

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/158/4...f0bf80c6_o.jpg

That one right there had me LOLing pretty hard for some reason.

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced Port Adelaide supporter walks into Big W with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Big W – nice children you've got there - are they twins?" The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike, ya dickead?" "Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would fuck you twice!"

I hope that she isn't a butterface.

I would really reckon this would have been a good addition in any slap-stick comic:

'We've lost too much to the Indian princess at that card game,' declared Capt. John Smith, 'but don't let poker haunt us.'.

http://www.orsm.net/php/showmemore.p...update20071025

previous/next

That's Molly Sims.

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take any leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...and where do you think you're going?" She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.

:D

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition is stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.

I think we have properly succeeded in accumulating the 100 posts we needed so desperately. :thumbsup:

Hmm...

8695 is the goal.....

How did we do that? :orly:

thats the hundred since I got here

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

click link: http://flickr.com/photos/haggischick/1473100786/

Some of those pics are pretty funny.

I shall discover the secret yet :lol:

I shall discover the secret yet :lol:

An Aboriginal found himself in a brothel in Kings Cross and decided to approach a prostitute. He asked her, "How much do you charge for the hour? "$100," She replied. "Do you do black feller style?" Not knowing exactly what this was she refused.

He tried to sweeten the deal and said, "I'll pay you $300 to do it black feller style". Again she declined. Being the persistent type, he laid down the final offer, "I'll give you $500 to go black feller style with me! What do you say?"

Finally she agrees thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've been there and done that, and had every kind of request from weirdo's from all over the world. How bad could black feller style be?" After several intense hours of every possible way and position, she turned to him and said. "That was fantastic, but I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the black feller style' come in?"

The Aboriginal opened a can of beer and replied, "I'll pay you next Wednesday when I get me dole check!".

Definitely not a butterface then.

I think I have added a new weapon to our arsenal of posting! :thumbsup:

Yes, I do think so. :D

Got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'magic`. "Wow!" I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!!! "Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waist line that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she giggled... So I told her to fuck off.

Yes, I do think so. :D

DO I have it, or don't I?

On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

This intrigues me moreso.

nope.... you don't.....

Filter out disturbance

Am I sure?

Bizarre.

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"

She says, "A hundred dollars."

He says "All I've got is thirty."

She says, "Hold on." She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?" Harry says, "A handjob."

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.

He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE penis. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?

Indeed,

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2127/...59beb23a_o.jpg

SO close

Not there

and here the best sick joke, today.....



Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today? I'll hike north and spend the day looking around; you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp." "Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?" "Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

Cross-Trip It

/maine

By fuck! We did it! A hundred new posts, in about 90 minutes!

Make that 80 minutes....

I think we can have a couple more for a new page. :D

mine ended with 72...

great effort overall. :thumbsup:

A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.

"Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast."

Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweet- heart, it's back to the village for you."

6 :hmm:

Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Jane, that the doctor said that he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, Jane asked Paul to have sex with her. Of course, Paul agreed and they had passionate sex.

Six hours later, Paul went to Jane again and said, "Honey, now I only Have 18 hours to live, maybe we could have sex again?" Jane agreed and AGAIN they had sex. Later Paul is getting into bed when he realised he only had 8 hours of Life left. He touched Jane's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more
Time before I die?"

Jane agreed, and afterwards, rolled over and slept. Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head. He tossed and turned until he was down to just 4 more hours. Paul tapped Jane on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have 4 hours left! Could we....? Jane sat up, turned to Paul and said, "Listen Paul! I have to get up in the morning and YOU don't!"