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Waiting in line for the pumps at Citgo the other day and I pull into a spot that I had my eye on. I hear a horn start blaring and see that a lady had been waiting for that same spot. She then pulls by and goes to the next open pump (that opened up 3 seconds later) the whole time she is putting up a 2 fingered salute. I get done a few seconds before her and go into the store to pay. I go back and pick up a few things and she is standing right behind me in line. She looks at me and says "You asshole, fuck you, you are such a dick" and other whitty one liners that most of the time are awnsered by a flying elbow to the ovaries. BUT I HELD BACK and instead handed her the bottle of Midol that i had just bought. Seriously how do you keep from laughing when you have the walking definition of "cranky bitch" screaming at your back as you leave the store. I was half expecting her to throw the bottle at me but I knew that she needed them too bad.
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There is nothing more embarrassing, yet funny, as pissing with "morning wood" and getting a "split-stream" at the same time.
There is absolutely no fucking way to hit ~anything~ that resembles a toilet. hahahahahahahah so true |
I took a rip off of the pipe and said, holding my breath kind of,
"I watch you through your window every night. I saw you beatin' off." |
our composition class assignment was to record a 30 second commercial, for radio, the only requirments being it had to be exactly 30 seconds,and no swearing. our idea was for a new laxitive. the commercial would be a guy eating, then a chair being pushed, running, a door slam, then shitting noises. our product would be called "lazer-lax" and the tag line "finally, something faster than the speed of light."
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My dog is having sex with my fuck buddy's dog. We were watching them for a while then decided to take a jacuzzi.
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Today I was wandering around my local shopping village, thinking about how much I liked it. I liked the place thatn sold all day breakfast, where I took a very sweet but very bad one night stand. I liked the fish and chip shop owned by some very friendly Chinese-Australians. I liked the tucked away cafes. I even liked the crappy fruit and vegetables at the local grocery store.
I started to realise that I LOVED living in Summer Hill. Then I had another realisation - I had taken a shitload of codeine about an hour ago. So, life still sucks - but codeine is fucking awesome. |
Our connection had dried up, so when Dave said that a real friendly dude approached him in the bathroom at the bar, we jumped on it.
Dude says 'it's in my trunk' so we go out to the lot. Oh, but his car is elsewhere. We offer to give him a ride. Duh. I sit in the backseat. Dude bums a cig and takes tobacco out, puts something else in, lights up, and offers to share. Being at total pothead, I smoke it without question. Dude gives me a buncha drug-lookin stuff I would never ingest (no green) 'for free'. I'm feelin fucked up and also starting to get worried. Meanwhile Dude is giving Dave directions... to an atm. Now he wants $ from us, and Dave is broke. Dude comes into the vestibule to watch me try to use the atm. It occurs to me then that I am in danger and should just give him the cash. I do so. So I paid $60 to smoke crack with a junkie and get the shit scared out of me. Dumbass. |
I suppose my ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend has a lot of time on his hands. One day he decides to call me up to start some trouble. I answer the phone: "hello?"
"hey im really enjoying your girl since you broke up" *ouch* my pride... then my reply: "thats nice, are you also enjoying my herpes?" "what?" >click< |
we were coming back from a marathon drinking session, a sober girl driving, who would very kindly occassionaly reach over & fiddle with my equipment. Chris & Jane were in the backseat, drunk as skunks, having a little fiddle them selves. "pull over Sal, i need to piss" i drunkenly slurred. Sal found a suitable spot, pulled in & parked up. i practically fell out of the car & weaved my way across the grass to the fence, where i proceeded to have the worlds longest piss. 30 seconds into this huge piss i was joined by Chris & Jane. Jane clutched the top of the fence, bent double & began to very noisily vomit. Chris stood behind her & very gently gathered in her long blond hair to the back of her neck to prevent it dangling in the stream of vomit. even in my drunken state & under these bizarre circumstances i got a warm fuzzy feeling & thought "awww, isn't love grand ?". Chris then lent foward & said "i'm going to squeeze your tits now, ok ?"
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Crazybitch's husband came home from his longest busines trip yet. I decided to lay low and not do anything to her for a while, in case he came back more of a cranky asshole than usual.
Well, he did, as evidenced by the three cop cars that got called to their domestic disturbance reunion. I just sat on the porch with a six pack, watching the show and giggling. Thank you, officer, for annoying them more than I ever could. And now that they're out of their house for a while....hmmm. |
Yes, I can see you staring at my boobs.
Yes, I know they're there, and I know they're worth looking at. Yes, I can see that my intelligent conversation isn't nearly as riveting as the two mounds on my ribcage. No, I'm not terribly offended. Why do you think I wear such tight/lowcut shirts? "If you've got 'em, flaunt 'em." Best advice I've ever been given. |
I've found the perfect solution to these two-ton Shamuettes who keep sitting in front of me at the movies, their hair piled up in some wanna-be native goddess tower with gaudy fake flowers in it.... soon as I get a seat I like, I pour some of my soda into the three nearest seats in the row in front of me. Yeah, it's a waste of good soda, but for that extra bit of screen view, it's worth it.
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Car Reviews We Never Finished #1
The Amphicar was built from 1961 to 1968, and is powered on land by a 43-horsepower four-cylinder engine. In the water, the engine is coupled to twin propellers, and the vehicle becomes a modestly powered boat. When it first came out, an Amphicar was tested in New York Harbor by Car and Driver magazine, which decided that it wasn't a very good car, or a very good boat. That evaluation still raises a touch of defensiveness among Amphicar owners: "It handles on the highway better than any other boat, and floats better than most cars..." |
Never stand in the bed of a pickup truck and pee off the back while the pickup is on the freeway.
You see, when a car or truck cuts through the air, it creates a vaccuum behind it, which in turn creates wind that will blow the piss right back in your face. But if you do decide to engage in this moist activity, do it in a rent-a-tux after the driver's wedding. |
I called her crying and she attempted to comfort me through her boyfriend's cock her her mouth.
Didn't work. It was funny though. Later. |
Sitting in the car before I could drive, engine running, lights on in the grocery store parking lot while Mom shops.
Busy night, cars stalking each other about for the next open spot. I grin to myself and climb over to the drivers seat. Making sure the emergency brake is on, as well as making sure my foot is firmly on the brake pedal, I shift in and out of reverse as several cars drive behind us. |
A few years ago i had four friends who had a great hang-out house. Not quite big enough for a party house, but there'd generally be ten or twenty people hanging out on any given weekend.
They had a beer bong, which i hadn't seen since college - three years before. It was a huge novelty for me, because i have a giant tolerance and i'm not usually in the mood to sip something. No matter what type of upitty expensive beer those guys had purchased, i'd bong a few. I peer pressured the hell out of everyone there to take beer bongs. The guys that lived there were all push overs, so i could usually scream a few obscenities or threaten them in some way and they'd cave in and hit the beer bong. "Uggghhh - what the hell was that cinnamon.... shit, did you put Goldschlager in here again?" I preferred a beer + a shot of something, so naturally i assumed that's what everyone else would want. Try it sometime. That harshness that you usually get from taking a shot of Goldschlager is replaced with a fairly mild cinnamon aftertaste. |
it becomes apparent just how sad my existence has become when i realise that the high point of my day was when i got an extra 30c cone at the drive thru.
SCORE! |
I am a bartender.
I took some drinks over to a woman and as I sat them on the table, I knocked over a pot of artificial flowers which landed right on the woman's breasts. "It's a good thing they're fake!" I blurted. She got really offended. I guess she was hoping for real flowers. |
So I'm ringing up the ex-coke head and the total is like $20.69. He automatically says "I'm all about that 69 part. Hell, I'd 69 with a snake if I could find a park ranger to hold it down."
I just smirked and nodded. |
What the hell was she thinking, asking ME of all people for relationship advice? Was she that desperate?
I convinced her the best way to approach her boyfriend's increasingly chilly attitude was to let him discover her in bed with another girl... sort of the "substitution syndrome" So she did. He ran off to Vegas with the other girl last week. How did she not see that coming? What the hell was she thinking, asking ME of all people for relationship advice? Was she that desperate? I convinced her the best way to approach her boyfriend's increasingly chilly attitude was to let him discover her in bed with another girl... sort of the "substitution syndrome" So she did. He ran off to Vegas with the other girl last week. How did she not see that coming? |
My niece is 14 years younger than me, and when she was under 17 we were really close. We'd joke around and chase each other and all sorts of ridiculous shit.
Tonight I threatened her while she was staying with me that if she didn't calm down I'd put her over my lap and spank her. She's a gorgeous girl. She got a head start and outdistanced me, so I went back inside and sat down in my chair to watch tv. She came in and without a single word lay across my lap, facedown. She looked up at me expectantly. Who am I to disappoint? I spanked her for half an hour. |
I was camped with a friend on the edge of the Salmon-Huckleberry wilderness, on the edge of a huge overgrown clearcut, on the edge of a tiny hidden clearing just large enough for a two-person tent and a cookstove.
Around dusk some teenage retards in daddy's car come roaring up the dirt road, thumpa-chuck-BOOM, spinning cookies, hurling beer cans -- the classic stereotype. After a while they get out, to expedite the opening of coolers with further alcohol, and decide that they're bored, so they take out a load of weaponry and begin shooting wildly into the woods. It's a remote location, yeah, but it's also an official trailhead. There are horses and riders and women and children passing through here at least once an hour on their way to someone else. We pop up like jack-in-the-boxes and begin screaming and waving the lantern and yelling. They shoot directly at us. We douse the lantern. They continue shooting. We remain lying down behind a log for an hour or so until they get bored and leave. If I had had a revolver in my hand again I would have welcomed whatever logistical, social, and legal consequences incurred. Sometimes that memory makes me so frustrated I just want to cry. Instead I rake pine needles. |
Here it comes....
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Who Posted?
Total Posts: 4,125 User Name Posts skier 1000 mexicanonabike 959 CSflim 873 NoSoup 602 Ishmal 153 Jeff 98 Carno 72 willravel 68 FailedEagle 50 |
Yeah ok i'm done for the day
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wow! you really went all out skier!
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you know who dissapoints me though? it's NoSoup. he hasnt posted in a long time and this is his thread!!
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you're right mex, nosoup hasn't been posting much lately. I remember something about him saying he'd be busy. maybe he'll catch up later.
as it stands right now, he's a stepping stone for ambitious new members that want to climb to the top of this thread |
you've failed me again oilers :(
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My first French kiss ever came when I was 13. She was 13. She had big boobies. She let me feel them over her shirt. It was summer.
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way to comeback for the win |
The game ain't over yet, bub. What a messed up crappy set of goals. Sheesh.
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And what the hell was Bertuzzi doing chirping with Ryan Smyth, IN FRONT OF the Roloson, while the puck trickled slowly by. PICK UP YOUR #(*&^$*&^ STICK. What a selfish bastard. I'm a Canucks fan, I cheered for this guy for years, but come on, everyone has a limit to their loyalty.
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And Naslund scores, Tie game.
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Holy sh*t that was close to a goal. dang....
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And we... are going... to a shootout...
And Auld injured. Or hurt anyways. bah |
Have I mentioned how much I hate Raffi Torres? If he scores in the shootout I'm officially paying 3 dollars, a half can of beer, and an empty can of lemonade for his head. On a pole.
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shit I called it too soon
fuck go oilers |
Holy crap that was stupid. I agree, it was a goal, but ten farkin minutes?
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And it's done! WOOT go Nucks!
I still hate Todd Bertuzzi. |
FUCK YOU BERTUZZI YOU WHORE
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at least we agree on something
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If Vancouver fell into the ocean tomorrow, I would be an Oilers fan. The team, even when losing, has character and sticks to an aggressive, fast pased game. The Canucks have perhaps the most skill in the league, on paper, and yet NO chemistry, NO character, and NO jump.
Bertuzzi has so much raw skill it's scary. Yet he floats around, oblivious to the play, waiting for an errant puck to land on his stick. He's not the same person he was two years ago. I'm not sure who I hate more, Bertuzzi or Crawford. But I can sleep well knowing ONE of them won't be back next year. |
hey skier, how do you get those lowbrow quotes? whats the site address?
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The other night, after a party, myself and a few others had a conversation for an hour and a half about what foods would be better deep fried in a layer of batter.
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Battered sandwiches, battered pizza, battered chunky kit-kat bars.
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It got a bit much when it came to battered battered-women.
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That was very much in poor taste.
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But if you talk about battered things for an hour and a half on end, battered women are bound to surface I suppose.
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Not that that's any excuse.
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So let's look at the top five leader-board of longest threads ever:
Word Association... Again - 13561 Moe's Tavern (NSF...well anyone) - 7497 Reveal the previous poster's deepest, darkest secret... - 6822 What are you listening to right now? - 6615 Picture-Linkage! (NSFW - & No pics of children, please) - 4153 |
Hmmm....interesting, wouldn't you say?
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Hey, lets take another quick look:
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Word Association... Again - 13561
Moe's Tavern (NSF...well anyone) - 7497 Reveal the previous poster's deepest, darkest secret... - 6822 What are you listening to right now? - 6615 The Longest Thread Ever! - 4154 |
We are the 5th Longest Thread on TFP!
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there's a lowbrow.org, but they do a horrible job at weeding out the bad moments and so i'm sad. Maybe the code for lowbrow.com will go over to lowbrow.org along with the moments and there will be a revival. |
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It's a very low-tech method of sorting each board by thread size and making the list manually. |
oh man. allright.
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History will know.
I posted something right here in the longest thread. |
Spoiler: Hehehe... History will know that I closed it...
Consider it a warning... You don't want to go to war with Politics. :lol: |
Pretty subtle, Mr. Secret Agent.
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Spoiler: Here's where the double agent thing comes into play
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Did this thread get locked?
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That's a pretty low down thing to do.
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should be ashamed of yourself.
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locked? why?! ?! ?!we worked so hard on it!
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hey mexicanonabike your avatar reminded me of a soccor ball made of pizza, mmmMmmm soccor....
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I hear this is the longest thread ever... Is this really true???
On the net? or on TFP? |
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At the moment we are the 5th longest thread on tfp. But we're working on it. Quote:
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If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!
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Ok I will help out a little.
However the longest thread I have found elsewhere is: Today 05:51 PM by dave_L2LP Go to last post 50,540 768,377 That's 50,540 replies, and 768,377 views. so here's hoping! |
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NoSoup, you posted 28 times on the first page.... How many, in total, for this one particular thread? :lol: |
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Total Posts: 4,178 User Name: Posts skier 1008 mexicanonabike 968 CSflim 890 NoSoup 602 Ishmal 153 Jeff 98 Carno 73 willravel 68 FailedEagle 50 MojoRisin 37 fredweena 20 Antikarma 20 flyman 20 Tophat665 15 Fremen 13 kramus 13 Daoust 12 SSJTWIZTA 11 Sp0rAdiC 10 pyreglow 9 alpha phi 9 trickyy 8 healer 7 feelgood 7 Charlatan 5 leftwingx 4 Stiltzkin 4 Bob Biter 3 Zooksport2 3 ObieX 3 canadiankamikaz 3 Bacchanal 3 JumpinJesus 2 tenchi069 2 Zeraph 2 xepherys 2 uncle phil 2 aKula 2 Poppinjay 2 ubertuber 2 Blasphemy. 1 shadowfiend 1 crackprogram 1 fresnelly 1 blahblah454 1 albania 1 j-man 1 leftyderek 1 flamingdog 1 Leto 1 thatstoodamnbad 1 ShaniFaye 1 MonomAnny 1 |
I shall now post an entire nonsense thread within this thread:
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Confused? Good.
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French Fasion
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