and now, page 101! we're on a roll!

Post 4000! lol

noooo lol

my internet cut out

I was going to steal your thunder

foiled by my own insatiable lust for porn

that pretty much sucks.

i'm going to go read some lowbrow

I saw a television interview with the woman who plays the androgynous Pat on SNL, where she reveals that Pat is a woman.

I was strangely depressed the rest of the day.

I once squirted elmer's glue into the car door locks of like 20 cars on my block. The damage done was staggering but never was I caught.

maybe you've heard this one before

a friend once described another friend of ours to me thusly:

if you put him in a room with nothing but three bowling balls

he'd lose one

he'd disassemble one

and he'd destroy one

...

and this is a room with no windows

17. The girlfriend's living room. Me, the girlfriend, girlfriend's mother. All is good, right?

All was good until the girlfriend starts discussing blowjob techniques with her whale of a mother and starts giving details of giving me head.

Is that the lowbrow, or is asking her mom if we could use her hottub sized bathtub to fuck in?

Some kids with a video camera in the convenience store. Say something funny, they say.

Well, maybe I can manage that.

"If you ever go for double fisting, don't go like this." I stick both fists out. "You'll tear something. You gotta alternate that shit." I demonstrate. "Like kung fu fighting. Wear some latex gloves, you'll be fine."

One night at Frank's house, the summer after high school had finished, we all got together and got drunk.

We eventually ran out of places to sleep in the basement, and I had to use the surface of the treadmill to sleep on.

Those assholes kept turning it on and flinging me into the wall!

Man, we laughed that night.

4013!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate the changing rooms at the gym. Not because of the rampant homophobia that sets in when confronted by that many naked men, but because of the number of times I find myself thinking: "I wish my ass was that hot."

Was watching SNL reruns recently and was reminded of what a little prick David Spade is.

Years ago, when I was a struggling actor in LA (natch), I worked catering at one of the Batman premiere parties. We had to wear these awful wigs and leather jackets while running around making sure all the food was stocked...as you can imagine, it was a very hot and sweaty job. As I was picking up some trash from one of the tables that David Spade was standing by, he turned around pulled my wig off in front of all of his friends and everyone else at the party who happened to be looking. I must have looked gorgeous with my sweaty hair pulled back in a gazillion uneven barettes! I just rolled my eyes and put the wig back on.

That guy is a jerk.

You know, if your current lover is friends with an ex, that's fine, but if they are always talking about them, and seem to spend a bunch of evening with them, and those evenings involve mind bending substances...

THEY ARE FUCKING.

If you hire a good enough lawyer, you can get a DWI changed to an infraction.

Fuck yeah. I'm out two grand but I don't have a DWI on my record.

Come to think of it, I've been arrested four times and charged each time, but I don't have any kind of record. Let's hear it for public defenders and good lawyers when needed!

we were at little t's, waiting for our food.

i slamed my fist on a fork and it shot across the room.

i screamed at my roomate:

"my god man, that behavior is totally inappropriate! have you no regard for manners? damn... this isn't north dakota, for christ's sake!"

he, like the rest of the restaurant, just stared at me.

unprovoked outbursts fucking rule.

Chinese Ladyboy vs. American Shemale:

I shook hands with a Chinese ladyboy in a restaurant in Los Angeles. It was the most arousing handshake of my life. (Nearly turned me homo).

I shook the hand of an American shemale in an adult bookstore in San Francisco. It was like indian-wrestling with a construction worker (holy shit! Confirmed my hetero-ness!)

I was 14 and babysitting the neighbor's kid over at their place.

I'd had a crush on both of the neighbors for some time and always felt a little awkward and shy around them.

I left the kid watching cartoons and went to the bathroom to pee. I was gone a minute, tops.

When I came back, the kid was playing with a huge green dildo. It had poop crusted on it. My crush ended abruptly.

The worst part was that I had no idea where it had come from, and so I just threw it under the couch and hoped that it was the right place.

I never did babysit for them again.

I have figure skating down cold.

I know the difference between a toe loop and an Axel, and can point out exactly how well they are executed.

I can talk about historical stars all the way back to the 1958 Protopopovs from the USSR.

I make fun of the judges, comparing them to the famously-biased East German ones.

So, is this just bragging rights? Or is it an actual moment?

Relax, you compulsive clickers. All of the above is for the sole purpose of being able to relax on the couch with my sweetie while watching agile, scantily-clad young women display their bodies in ever more inventive ways.

I looked up in horror just in time to see the retiree-smellimg of mothballs-throw his wheelchair into high gear and proceed to run me over. When I finally sat up he was yelling at me.

Sitting at a stop light on a hot summer day. Car ahead of me is a red Chevy pickup. Man steps out of pickup. Jean shorts, long hair, no shirt, dark glasses. He takes a can in his hand and crushes it, throwing it in the back of his truck. Grabs his cooler, opens it, and pulls out ANOTHER beer. Chugs it while getting back in his car. This all in the span of about 5 seconds. Majestic.

Due to the fact that my life is now neatly compartmentalized between "Work" and "School", I have been finding myself on the couch at night. My ass splays across the cushions like two mounds of warm dough as I watch TV. There is a block of pure magic from 11 PM to 12:30 AM: Judge Judy, Change of Heart, and then Love Connection.

I wasn't concerned until my roomates began to be sucked into the murk as deeply as I had been...now we all sit around the tv at 11 PM, shouting at the moronic plaintiffs and defendents and hoping that Judge Judy will verbally shred them into pulp.

This can't be healthy.

My roommate and I were sitting on the couch looking at our old high school yearbooks. She held hers up pointing at a picture and said, "Here's the guy I lost my virginity to, he has a glass eye. Maybe that's why I found him so facinating."

fucking my girlfriend new year's eve, upper west side of manhattan, up in the sleeping loft, where the ceiling is about 4' off the mattress and its another apartment upstairs. she's making a ton of noise and the champagne and drugs are just taking us along for the ride (oh how i miss that crazy psycho bitch with the great little weehawken body..)

up early the next morning for coffee and bagels

upstairs neighbor, total punkass, is walking in as i'm walking out

and he fucking *salutes* me

Do you remember the last sexual encounter you had with your ex?

Mine ended with her begging me to cum in her ass. Boy you should see the grin the though of going out like that brings to my face.

When I was a young girl I used to wrestle with my step - uncle and I thought he was the most funniest guy I ever played with. Turned out he was actually schizophrenic.

i picked up a hitchhiker last night, it was cold out and id been in that situation before. its an older guy, late fourties. im driving back to where im staying and as luck would have it he is going that way too. woo, hoo. so im driving along and he tells me about how he was looking for work in rochester ny, and couldnt find anything, i tell him im just coming from olean and he asks if there any work up there, well not being from there i cant tell him, and so the drive is awful quiet. we are trolling along in the backwoods of upstate ny when i decide that i want a drink, as the whole day is really starting to piss me off. so we stop, and of course i know he is broke, so i figure ill buy him a beer and i will do the useal whiskey rocks...

three hours later we walk out and i drop him off downtown where he will crash for the night in an all night laundry... i hand him four bucks and wish him well.

best goddamned night ive had in a while shooting the shit with a perfect stranger on my dime...

thanks phil.

I have two people that are dead still on my buddy list.

C'mon.

You never know.

They probably have AOL in hell anyway.

After dinner in Philadelphia I wanted to drive back to my hotel in Delaware but I got on the freeway going the wrong way.

No problem, get off at the next exit, turn under the freeway, get back on. I had picked an exit that does not have a corresponding entrance.

I am driving around at night in what I was later told is the most dangerous part of the city. I am looking for a freeway sign on my left. I hop a curb on my right. I barely get the rental car off of the curb, and see a 7-11 just a block ahead.

I park my car go inside and ask for directions. Everyone in the place is black. I am white. They don't even answer me before they tell me I need to leave. I ask for directions again. They tell me it is not safe for me to be there. They will not even let me buy a cup of coffee before they send me on my way.

They were truly concerned for may welfare. They left such a good impression on me that I still can't believe it was really a bad part of town.

i hate when you rub one off in the shower, in order to ensure proper stamina with your lady later,

only to find you rubbed out any motivation to get another erection, and would rather just sleep anyway.

I worked as a reports analyst for this sales manager, a woman who had just given birth and was regaining her figure. Her husband would not dare put his dick where his son had just come out of, so the poor woman was about as horny as could be. She would come to me and say that she desperately needed some statistic or some report - her boss had her at gunpoint over something and she could not stand to fuck up.

Sometimes I would play with myself until I was good, and hard and then I would rush into her office saying I had something she had to see right away. I would keep a straight face and so would she. I mean, my boner was fixing to rip out of its clothes like the incredible hulk or something, and I would thrust my hips forward. She would be sitting down so my bone was right at her eye level.

She would get me too though. She would come walking up to me and she would pull her stretch pants up real tight into her crotch as she addressed me, right into her cuchee. Shit. We should have fucked. I really don't know why we didn't. Agnes, if you're out there, you got a serious bang coming to you and I mean a serious good one, if you want it.

"You're on, let's take this outside bitch!"

I bet Eduardo the drunk Mexican that I could take a bigger shit than he could. The crowd followed us outside where we each perched upon seperate empty coffee cans.

I let loose a ravaging shit, quickly reaching the halfway mark. Eduardo was painfully squirming away atop the Folgers can.

I continued my efforts, slowly losing feeling in my legs. Eduardo is tipping over due to the obvious inebriation.

I look down, and see that I am spent. No more poo for me.

I sheepishly look over, and see Eduardo passed out, laying on the ground, shitting all over himself...and not in the can.

He did have a larger poo, but, he did not dispose in the can, thus, not being able to be measured.

I win due to disqualification.

Damn you Eduardo, next time, shit like a man.

My new boyfriend left me in his apartment to watch his new baby kitten while he went to work. He didn't have time to fuck me, so I was lying in his bed masterbating while the kitten ran around pawing at things and mewing and being cute. I noticed it had made it's way under the blanket, but I didn't stop. Then I noticed it was directly between my legs, so I looked down and it was staring intently at my fingers. So I let it sniff them. It started licking my cream off my fingers, then it just plunged for it and started licking my lips and clitoris. I was in shock! My new boyfriend's cat gave me head before he did!

If you see a pair of underpants in the trash

1. Don't ask why

2. Don't pick it up

3. Don't put it up to your nose and smell it "Just in Case"

-jess

- jazzypants@youknow.where


reload

I worked at the only Blockbuster in my city that didn't drug test.

Why, you ask?

Because EVERYONE smoked.

Except Christie. She came to work completely fucking drunk every day, and often would shakily drive me home and offer to buy me beer.

I once met a girl who tasted her own shit. As soon as I freaked out about this she came up with her excuse: "I wasn't feeling myself." Yeah, no shit.

I just saw Resident Evil, the scariest fucking movie ever. I was sure I'd beat off to the main star and the cop chick later on that night. Then the cop chick turned into a zombie. DAMMIT!!! How in the hell am I supposed to beat off to a chick who is undead and tries to eat people?

The ex knew he was in trouble when, during a discussion about expensive lingerie at the party, he turned to me and said "And I really like that blue lace corset thing you wore last week while we were fucking" to which I replied "I don't HAVE a blue lace corset."

It's amazing how many people will move in closer after an exchange like that, like sharks smelling the blood in the water.

page 102............. :thumbsup:

Does anyone read these moments I post? I don't suppose so

i do! :) .............

wow my internet is shoddy today

that's why i wasnt posting while you were posting. i was reading. it's some funny ones in there.

cool

I was going to post them anyway but it's sweet that other people enjoy em

Man. This guy has a lot to learn. I beat off to hot zombies all the damn time.

got all four wisdom teeth taken out today, and as i woke up on the couch at home, i made the discovery that the electrodes were still attached to my torso (you know? those two on your chest and the one under your ribcage for the IV sedation).

after making the discovery, i say so to my mum, and she looks over to see me picking at the adhesive disks.

"i can take these off now, right?"

"yeah, here..." and she rips the lower one off real fast.

even though i'm a particular hairy guy, there's still the whole patch of pubic hair in a circle on my happy trail which is now not there. luckily i protected the other two from her. there's more hair up north than there is in the middle.

so the first non-surgery related thought i had today occured about five hours after i woke up:

i wonder if i should clip a clothes pin to my "cybernetic nipple" and take a picture?

The best thing to do after you get a three-day suspension for smoking on school property and your principal tells you to come to his office, is NOT to ditch school, go home, get stoned, and then drive around in your parents car when you don't even have your license. Whoops - too late.

Zombie chicks are the best. They've got beauty and BRAIIIIIIIINS.

Shirley Temple (Black) came to speak at our high school in No. Cal. in 1968, when she was running for public office. Me and the boys patched in a tape recorder to the PA system behind the stage curtain with a reel of tape that contained several loud, gross belches on it, towards the middle of the reel. I turned the volume on the recorder and the channel it was plugged into up to "11", and took my place in the audience next to my crew. Sure enough, when Shirley stopped to take a sip of water about 20 minutes later, the series of belches roared forth from the auditorium speakers. The last belch was "spoken", and it said "Vote For Me Or I'll Hold My Breath". She HATED it, and consequently lost the election to the incumbent. I like to think that we had something to do with it. This is only one of many ratf**ks that we perpetuated in the 60's, 70's and 80's. One of the pranksters and myself are writing a book about this stuff and this looks like a great forum to try some of the material out. Let's hear from ya! More later.

In high school my friend Jimmy had his lunch stolen every day for a week. He figured it was Tyler and it was.

So Jim makes this beautiful chicken breast and cat shit on whole wheat for him to steal. Which he does. Only he figures it out in the lunchroom and took ner a bite.

Instead he opened it up and casually walked over and stuck it to Jimmy's skull.

I've been getting into boxing lately, so I decided to read some stuff about the Greatest of them all, Ali. Turns out that guy was a witty son of a bitch. But my favourite quote was when he went to a restaurant, and he goes up to the waitress:

"We don't serve Negroes here." She sez.

"Nah, I don't eat 'em either. Just give me a couple of burgers and a vanilla shake."

That was great.

Trigger Finger

War is hell, for sure. Either you kill them, or they kill you. Some guys just weren't up for it.

If you were cannon-fodder, there was one bright spot: Almost any serious injury could get you taken out of the front lines and returned home.

Even fairly minor injuries that just made you unable to fight. Except for one minor injury that happened a lot: Many, many guys somehow got their trigger-finger shot off.

Worked for a while, but halfway through WW1, the top brass figured it out and changed the regulations. If there weren't two witnesses who could vouch for you, then instead of being shipped home in glory, you were lined up in front of a firing squad because of " cowardice in the face of the enemy."

I sometimes imagine what it must have been like in those stinking trenches. And I imagine what it would be like to press my trigger finger over the muzzle of my rifle, and reach for the trigger with my other hand.

Surely you'd have to be purty brave to do that..

I finally gave in and went back to visit Mom. One weekend she dragged me with her to the mall. While we browsed, a guy I'd dated in high school recognized me and came up to say hi.

I shrieked like a banshee.

I'd imagined him tortured, mangled, and dead so many times that I'd come to believe it.

Too fucking complex to explain, so I just told Mom and him I got a cramp.

I go around to the back of restaurants, and bum cigarettes from the workers there. Even if they don't know you, most people will give you a cigarette if you beg prettily enough.

I do this instead of buying my own pack(s).

Before I moved out I used to have my trusty BateTowel. I just randomly chose a towel and put it under my bed. Everytime i jerked it I'd spunk into the towel. After there wasn't a single spot left not already crusty, I'd wash it, put it under my bed, and repeat.

When I finally got my own place I had 2 options:

Bring my towel with me.

or the option I chose...

Put the towel back in the closet for my parents to use.

They've been using it for years now...

ok damn that one was really nasty

I used to date a guy who talked in his sleep. Usually, he cursed about work or his boss, but one night I distinctly heard him say, "In all the time I've known you, I've never seen your apartment super-clean."

Slightly offended, I rolled over and asked, "What?"

He replied, "If you TV had a cape, it'd be a super TV!"

He didn't remember it the next morning, but we still joke about the super TV!

Denny's is the hilarity.

Especially at 3 in the morning.

Stoned.

Laughing so hard that you fall off the bench seat only to land in a gooey pile of dropped omelet.

Commence food fight.

Uhoh, the manager is pissed.

And very large.

EAT AND RUN

And not remembering the whole thing until someone reminds you the next day...

That was some good fucking weed.

Someone really should do the washing up. No one has even tried for at least three weeks and there is no clean cutlery left.

I just rinse off whatever I need and leave the rest where it lies.

I move out next week. It will then cease to be my problem. I'm not washing up before then.

and you know they'll eat you ! :D

I realized how pathetically single I am, today.

I wear a "Trollin' for Tuna" T-shirt to school quite often. And take the time to explain what it means to the hott blonde that sits behind me in English.

My boss treats me like shit.

My Boss goes to N.Y. twice a year to transact business...makes a real wad of cash (we're talking hundreds of thousands of dollars) and comes back home.

Now, technically, Boss owes the city and state of N.Y. taxes on this income, but these taxes haven't been paid in like...ever.

Years of profits all nicely documented (and residing in a photocopied facsimile on the edge of my desk).

One day, when the market's high and I can get a good price from my 401k, I'm going to quit that job. On that day, I'm going to have a little chat with the N.Y. department of revenue.

Somebody's got to pay.

do zombies swallow? :confused:

It's dark, and the pool is warm. I float on my back, watching the stars, almost believing in my weightlessness that I am adrift amongst them.

A sound catches my attention. I turn my head.

Naked, she enters the pool. The moonlight reveals the curve of her hip, the soft shape of her breasts, the smile on her face.

She moves towards me. I roll forwards and towards her. We touch.

The beer farts that had collected in my board shorts escape at last, breaking the surface between us in a stinking wave.

Damn.

A few years ago I visited Disneyland in LA with some friends, as part of a cross-America coaster tour. It was hot and I had on a striped sun-dress. It was on the short-side, but not indecently so, so I wore a thong underneath. Unfortunately the thong has either shrunk in the wash or else I had put on weight since I bought it, but it was chafing parts of me that I would really rather not have chafed.

After a while I got fed up with this and disappeared to the rest rooms where I removed the offending garment. I was very careful about not bending down and stuff like that. I didn't want anyone catching an eye-full. I am quite shy, really.

Later that day I had my photo taken with Mickey Mouse. In the photo, he has his hand (paw?) half-covering his face, like he's gone all bashful about something.

That bastard knew, didn't he?

Is it wrong to gain consciousness straddling the last guy you remember talking to in the bar? Does it make it worse that you were on the shower floor and promptly passed out again two minutes later? I think being a horny American in Australia is a free pass for unlady-like behavior...

Reading sexual lowbrow innuendo for about four hours, I finally realized that every single guy I've hooked into has wanted to go south before wanting anything else. It's an almost instant reaction. Some kissing, then BANG he's down. There is just some glorious fascination boys have with my snatch, like if they go for it hard enough they'll win.

Do I pick guys who are into that in particular? Or, is it the same for all guys to intensely crave pussy? Or has my reputation for taste preceded me?

Probably the latter...

On seeing a ludicrously attract female across the street, I turn to my peers and just tell it like it is:

"i'd crawl a million miles over broken glass just to wank over her shadow"

Since then, i've been trying to outdo the previous statement whenever i see another tasty lady, but am now stumped after the following, definative attempt:

"I'd crawl a million miles over broken glass just to suck off the last guy who fucked her"

I've never felt prouder after that one.

not sure. do they need to eat? i mean they are dead right?

I was on a blind date with a guy I had met through a friend after complaining about a one year dry streak.

We went for dinner. He ordered the veal. I'm a vegetarian. He blew chunks. All over me. He didn't apologize.

I still took him home.

I feel sorry for women, I truly do.

The fact of the matter is that if you see a man trying to be sexy, it's in close to 100% of cases hilarious, no matter whether he's a hunk or a blob.

A girl on the other hand, trying to be sexy when not, is one of the most repugnant views known to man.

ahahahahah! that's fuckng nastY

Full disclosure: Jesus Christ is concerned about your genitals.

He's quite concerned about whether you see other people's genitals, and whether other people see yours, and He's even more concerned about what you say about or do with your genitals or those of others. He's especially concerned about quasi-legal contracts which give people quasi-rights to each others' genitals.

It's not that I'm against this; I love Christ. But I don't believe in being coy about the tenets of my religion.

seems my pornography has downloaded.

ahaha. true. it's pretty bad.

i'm sure it'll keep for later

fucking oscar

i take the pen outta my pocket

and push down the back of his tongue

while holding the hair on the scruff

directing the boozespew into the

drain

there says i

he wont make a mess outta yer cab

as i toss the pen down the grating

i pour him into the seat

flip the cabby donnies last forty bucks

and give him an address three block away

put him gently on the lawn says me and thanks

not sure if he wanted to be a shanghi ed samaritan

but the story i concocted about how some doods were dropping live roaches down his sleeping drunken throat as he lay crashed on the floor of the cork and hammer

kinda pulled at the guys heartstrings a bit

a fucking oscar winning performance i said as he drove donnie off

sometimes you can lie for good

Posted on Mon, Jun. 09, 2003

Waiter Accused of Vandalizing Home

Associated Press

CORONA, Calif. - A family who angered a waiter at a Norco Sizzler restaurant later was served a few dishes they didn't order: a gallon of maple syrup, raw eggs, and rolls of toilet paper across their lawn and shrubs.

For all intents and purposes, I am a drug addict.

I have to take my antidepressants every day or I'll flip out. I have before, and it was not a pretty site.

I realized that my pharmacist is my dealer, and I thought to myself:

"I should get diagnosed with glaucoma. That way I don't have to make 2 trips to get the drugs I need."

Time to smoke another bowl of scraping and wait for my "other" pharmacist to arrive...

Man I get into reading that book, come back, and we're almost at 4100!! dammit no free beer for the hockey game tonight.


HMMMM if we try hard maybe I can get 5000 before the hockey game tonight for the free beer

I used to wonder how middle-aged guys got to be so disgusting and stupid. Didn't they know that burping, farting and scratching themselves in front of women would never get them any.

The other day I took a mental snapshot of where I was. My hand was busy down the front of my pants scartching my testicles, I hadn't shaved for a week and my feet stunk to high heaven. Sitting not six feet away was a gorgeous blonde girl, beautiful enough to be a model. I was carrying on a conversation about business with her, completely unaware of what I must look like to her.

On the inside I'm suave.

page 103? :) !!!

the away message read:

"ever get just so disgusted with instant messanger that you want to sign off but need to let everyone know of your contempt for this fucking endlessly wasteful program so you instead stay signed on in order to put up an away message that explains how much you hate it at times?"

yeah, that's where i am, and it's a new low.

So we're talking about a friend of ours, just sitting round the living room figuring out the problems of the world.

I don't know what he was trying to prove, but out it came.

"Just remember the next time she gives you a kiss, my dick's been in that mouth"

From the nylottery.org (the official site for the New York State Lottery) FAQ -- remember, gang, that's "Frequently Asked Questions":

Q: Can you give me the winning numbers for the next drawing?

A: No. Each drawing is a completely random occurrence.

Q: When are you going to pull my number?

A: Each drawing is unique and is a totally random selection process.

It's kind of clever, in a retarded sort of way. If they won't give me future numbers, our hypothetical moron thinks, then I'll find out when my numbers are coming up!

A wise man once defined "lottery" as "a tax on people who are bad at math." And he was right.

Hey, I got a Free Play on Take Five!

After I finally got her attention by threatening to cut off her oxygen supply for a week (i.e., take her computer offline), my stepdaughter and I got on amazingly well, and she actually started to take care of her sick mother, too.

I even made her favourite Thai dish. She was spooning it into her bowl, muttering: "I love cilantro! I love green onions!"

She's a carnivore, and has never been particularly famous for liking vegetables.

Me: "Eh, cilantro and green onions are... well, they're GREEN."

She, instantly: "Yeah, but they don't mean it..."

Whilst playing some party game or other similar to Charades, I was stuck with the task of communicating the word "Beaver" to my team without using words.

I stuck my front teeth out.

No one got it.

I made a beaver-like tail with my hand.

No one got it.

Finally, in a moment of desperation I pointed at my crotch.

"BEAVER!" my friend shouted loudly.

Jeez...

I think when you make the drink Sex on the Beach with the cheapest vodka on earth, $1 peach schnapps, tang, and Wal-Mart brand cranberry juice, it should be called Dirty Fucking Rednecks.

I asked my boyfried to do my laundry one day.

" Yeah I washed your underwear. There was a bacon streak in the back and cream in the front. It was like a breakfast platter"

I will never ask again

The Best Spring Break Ever: Alcoholic Moments

Sitting on the veranda chatting with Henry, his little brother, and my little brother. Henry stands up and the towel falls off of his lap, revealing that he is wearing a black pleather thong. He dances off into the distance.

The following night I'm lying in bed watching From Hell, and there's a knock at the glass sliding door. It's Henry. In the thong.

Later, chillin on the beach around 4:30-ish after a night of clubbing, and Henry strides out from behind the palm trees clad in, you guessed it, the thong.

We bought it for him as a joke, he turned it into a lifestyle.

Now we call him Party Boy.

Me and my best friend ended up moving into his grandparents house after they both finally passed away.

It was a pretty big house and already had a lot of furniture, including this tan chair.

Apparently it had been "grandma's" favorite chair.

She had expired in that chair.

It had a huge stain caused by her death and loss of bladder/bowel control.

That damn chair was freaky.

I made my friend take it to a dumpster before I would move in.

The first time I dropped acid was at a party after work. Now this was a busy Mexican place with lots of booze. I don't remember how much I drank but when the blotter kicked in I remember being in the median of the highway, propositioning a married waitress, and pissing in my manager's van on the way home. My mom had given me a 2am curfew, I literally crawled through the door at 1:57am.

The next morning was orientation day for highschool. My friends just kinda dragged me around because I was still too fucked up to function. My picture for my ID was choice.......definitely look stoned.

post 5000 tonight? could it be?

I am the only girl in my group of friends, and my nickname is Tito.

This came about one day when I was completely tanked and decided to announce that I was the only "tits and taco" in the room.

Since then I have been dubbed: Tito

So, I have been talking to this 18 year old girl (6 years younger than me) for a while now. I had met her in a yahoo chat room, and at first she was a total bitch to me, and thought of me as an asshole. So, of course I had to prove her wrong, and for some reason she still talked to me despite how she viewed me. Anyway, she had only had one boyfriend her whole life, and at the time was still with him. Well, she was a sexaholic, and always talked about how he couldn't keep up, blah, blah, blah. Well, after a while she broke up with him, and confessed that she had a crush on me. So, we went out a few times, and still are. Well, this past weekend she gave me what is the best blowjob I have ever had the pleasure of experiencing......it was magical. I didn't know that a tongue could be moved in so many ways & hit so many spots.........and when it was done I just thought, "That kid is going to be so sad when he realizes that he will most likely never find a girl who can give this great of head."

The target - a slightly overweight girl wearinq all too much denim.

The hunter - a tall, thin man. White t, black mambo shorts, dark glasses. He opens with an inoccent request for the time.

Then comes the gold - 'do i have

any shavinq rash?'

'no' she replies

he is sinking fast but still chasing this doomed anqle.

'.....(pause)......any at all?'

'no'

'are you sure' (im cringing inside at this point thinking psycho psycho psycho)

'yes' - the train lurches into the next stop. She hurriedly heads for the door at an almost bolt, then trots down past the windows (and past the view of psycho boy) to the next carriaqe. The guy looked totally normal afterwards as though he did this kind of thing all the time, if he does.... it is a sad world indeed.

I look over at Kristen.

"Yeah me and Kim were screwing on the stage Saturday morning."

Silence. "Oh really?"

"Yeah we screwed over there" Point.

"Over there." Point.

"A whole lot of over there." Point. Tense Silence.

"For a while, Werner, Whitney, Ryan, Mary, Kim and I were all screwing on the stage at the same time."

Our eyes meet. She knows it's me. I know it's her, but we don't acknowledge this. She's no prize. Not hideous, but definitely not a girl I'd look twice at sober. We're polite. She orders her food. I serve it to her.

God I hope I never see her again.

She didn't give good head, anyways.