but i figured i'd post it anyways. :hmm:

who has a recomentation for my avatar picture? i want to change it.

maybe a foot bag? oooooooooh

btw: #1 place again! fuck ya!

feels good to be #1 again

900 soon....
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10more... starting now.

kellogs. nutri-grain

transfat free. /sans gras trans.

strawberry/fraises.

Mixed berry/fruits des champs

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im done. thanks for listening to me tonight

and skier, i'll work on your footbag tomorrow i'm too tired now.

hey mex you should consider making a "draw mex on a bike" contest in tilted artwork and use the winner's pic as an avatar ^_^

good idea. want to start it? i dont want to just be asking for a new avatar. that's too lame. they'll flame me for that.

i like my new avatar. looks cool.

what the hell is it?

Oh wait, *reads previous posts* is it a footbag?

It looks edible though, and delicious!

if you read any of my previous posts, you'd know. that is a footbag. a 32panel professional footbag that i made. fuck ya.

was meant to be! glad you like it! :thumbsup:

man. the more i look at it, the more i want to make a new one again.

red and yellow of this pattern. :thumbsup:

Really does look edible.

so i'm waiting for next class to start so I figure I may as well throw in a few posts

About twice a year I get a violent stomach illness, in which I am puking and shooting a constant spray of lava-hot diarreah. I usually get to the point of praying for death when the dry heaves come.

It's hard being me sometimes.

I totally shit in the meat grinder. Last week on a class trip I told a group of five or six kids what a blumpkin was. The word spread like Ebola virus. Everyone was yelling it in the middle of classes because none of the teachers knew what it was, it got to the point of where I got sick of hearing variations of “IT’S BLUMPKIN TIME!” every two to three minutes, so I told my total bitch Spanish teacher to look it up on Google. A weekend had passed since I had told her about it, so I had totally forgotten. When I saw her on Monday, she was shaking and told us not to say anything. I asked her if I could go to my locker and get my book. She shut the door without saying a word. A classroom of boys has never been so terrified in the history of private education. We seriously thought she had just snapped and was going to commit murder suicide on us.

Instead we were given a paper on respect, maturity, and ethics. I made fun of her in mine because I’m an idiot. I think I’ll come down with something tonight.



He who giveth the novelty obsenity, taketh away the novelty obsenity.

Sitting at a Roy Rogers rest-stop near the Delaware/Pennsylvania border after a Dave Matthews concert at 3am. The only people in the "restaurant" are my three friends and a women, about 30, eating her hamburger in peace.

Someone starts telling a joke about female ejaculation, when my high redneck friend yells at the top of his lungs, "FEMALES CAN'T EJACULATE!"


The poor women actually started choking for about 20 seconds before quickly finishing her hamburger and rushing out of the joint.

Bringing a knife to a gunfight is bad.

But, y'know, bringing a sword to a knife fight was kinda cool.

She couldn't find my lipstick to write her number on the mirror the next morning so she used her blood soaked tampon instead.

Yes, he called her.


Yes, they're getting married.


Yes, I'm going to tell their kids.

When i was in high school, me and a few friends went to a low-income neighborhood with a petition to end women's suffrage. The sad thing is, we got over 100 signatures from dumb, dumb people in about an hour.

so my dad takes me on a hunting trip, someone bags a deer, and me, being sorta gothie/heavy metally at the time wants to have the skull.
So i cut off the head after they are done dressing it, put it in a garbage bag, take it home to our new house that we just moved in 2 weeks before.


part of getting the skull out involves letting the rest of the shit rot off, stinks like hell and takes a while to decompose, so i try to hurry it up by spraying it with the hose.


so im doing this in the backyard, close to the fence when the new neighbors dogs come out and flip, they know theres a dead thing, and they are barking like nuts, bringing the neighbor out.


This is the first time i ever meet her, and she decides to start yakking it up, apologizing for te dogs, doesn't know what got into them, and talks to me for like 20 minutes.


Ive got the severed rotting deerhead sorta behind me, with the hose spraying over it, trying to i dunno mask the smell, the dogs still going nuts, and all i can think of is "Im like a serial killer trying to act normal talking to the cops while the bodies in the other room",which sorta gets me off, and i turn the conversation to the wierd people who do fucked up shit like kill things and keep thier heads mounted on the wall and how fucked up they are, cause i only went hunting for the scenery


yeah


i love that skull

Overheard:

Ding. Microwave door opens. Closes.

"Oh, SHIT, this fish stinks. This is so the wrong thing to be making in a strip-club dressing room."

My brother joined a fraternity in college.

Shudder.


One of his hazing requirements was to join the boys in a round of "century club". But since he did not drink beer at the time, his other option was whole milk. He made it to shot number 98 before vomiting.

you know its time to schedule your next bikini wax when your ass hairs get so tangled up in your thong that you have to cut the thong off your body with scissors.

My friends were driving around late one night coming back from the grocery store, car chocked full of munchies and music blaring. They approached a stop light where there was a cop waiting at a red light going the opposite direction. My friends signal to turn left and have a green light to do so, so they go ahead and make their turn. Well, apparently the cop didn't seem to think this was legal because he promptly switched on his lights and pulled them over. Bewildered, she rolls down her window to ask what the problem was.

He asks her, "You know you made a left turn back there, right?"


Confused, she replies that she did and the cop just kind of sits there looking uncomfortable. Clearly he knew he had no reason to pull them over so instead he decides to get conversational. He spies the bags of munchies and notes, "you guys having a slumber party? That's a lot of snacks."


Suddenly the music that had been put on pause started up again, volume cranked, spewing out Static-X. Hastily they shut it back off again and apologized to the cop who responded, "Ha ha, you kids have a nice night," threw up the American Sign Language sign for Love and continued, "Rock on!"

I was drunk once and told my friend to push me down the stairs, and damn did she push me. I woke up the next morning with a scab on my chin, one on my hip, and my jaw and fingers were both fucked up so much I couldn't move them. Since I couldn't tell my parents where I had been or what I had been doing I said I had fallen skateboarding. Two weeks later at my graduation the little neighbor girl gives me my gift, a how to skateboard book, and tells me she doesn't want me doing any more faceplants.

I was 15, helping mom get ready for dinner, peeling potatoes in the kitchen.

Finding a long, thin potato, I held it up and said:


"Look Mom! A dick-tater!"


I still laugh about it.

we're going to have a day without concrete nouns. we can talk about "love" and "justice" but not "shoes" or "a table".

You know it's time to say fuck denial and admit you live in the ghetto when you walk out of your apartment to your car with a piece of pumpkin pie in your hand because you were running late, and not one...BUT two ghetto children run up to you and say "Hey, do you think I could get a piece of that?"

I have a student planner. I think of murder and suicide 50 times a day. The one thing I'm good at drawing is murder and suicide, so I draw just that in my planner whenever I get bored. Last year I had a drawing where I was shooting a particularly bitchy teacher. A friend pointed out to me that while if my drawings of violence were found, I would get sent to the school psychologist, but if a very specific murder of a teacher was seen I might get expelled. So I turned the dress into pants and added a small moustache right above the mouth.

You don't get expelled for drawing Hitler's brains getting splattered against a wall

When I was about 14, some friends and I were at the mall, wasting the precious time of our youth. We walked outside, past a movie theatre, when a big gust of wind blows one of the "Rated G" sign pannels off the lightbox showing the movie titles. It comes down like a throwing star, and just nicks my left ear. 4 inches over and it would have been in my forehead.

That wouldn't have bothered me so much, had it been a good movie. But alas....


I was almost killed by "Space Jam"

I had to take a shit, but my wife wanted me to come out and watch a movie with her that was starting in a few minutes, so she shows me how she takes a "fast potty".

she sits on the bowl, and, explaining the whole time, puts her feet up on the front of the seat, so she is in the fetal position, with her butthole over the water. She says, "...then you push, and it comes out easier. Sometimes, you can't do this but I can, I go in through the front and push it with my fingers."


YeeeHaw!

Once there was this kid, Bobby. Bobby would make claims as to how he was going to wrap a fruit rollup around his dick, and present the whole package to his dog. We laughed. At the end of the week Bobby walked onto the bus, and said (like Beavis) "heheheheheh my doggie gave me a blowjob." --- Later in life, Bobby thought his ex-girlfriend was going to steal his Camaro. So what did Bobby do? Bobby took a bat to it, and made sure she wouldn't want to take it. Some people should never breed, even by accident.

I went with my best friends on her birthday to see Matrix Reloaded on opening night. It was jam packed, and there was even people standing up to see the movie.

When the time came for the great sex scene, you could hear every guy in the audience woot and hollar. After everything quited down, and everyone was watching the movie, I heard a faint whisper from someone behind us. And it will haunt me for ever:


"That was the best jackin' I've felt in a while."


Please, dont jerk off during a movie.

I knew a guy who timed his orgasm so he came at 01/01/00 12:00 midnight.

I'm so jealous.


I was drunk and stuck on top of a roof with my best friend.


NOT having an orgasm.

i'll never forget that couple at the 95th anniversary harley bash.
full on bikers in thier 40s or so.

the chick was all busted up... fat lip, black and blue and whatnot.

his shirt said, in permanent marker:

"fuck off, i don't beat her."

and her shirt said:

"fuck off, i got in a car accident."

You all remember The Ring, right? Sure you do. The movie with the chick in the well. Good. Dad and I went to see it, and there weren't a whole lot of people there. I have my feet propped up on the seat in front of me as there was nobody in the row in front of us, allthough a few behind us. Right in one of the quiet moments in the film, my ass releases a rather loud, obnoxious fart. I couldn't believe it, I was sure I could sneak that one out. I'm biting my lip trying not to laugh when Dad looks over and says not-so-quietly-but-not-that-loudly "was that you?" Fuck, like it wasn't hard enough not to laugh. By this point I'm shaking and chomping right down on my lip trying not to burst out laughing, as the people around the theatre also got a giggle out of it. Through clenched teeth, the hardest word I've ever got out "...nope" Man did he laugh when we got out and I told him it was me.

The Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual Organisatoin at my uni in Georgia had a "Wear jeans if you're coming out" day. Ha ha ha ha to all the uptight homophobic bigoted bible-loving redneck fuckheads who freaked out that day...

early in the morning, get up to take a shit, am wiping myself off and discover i have started my period. it seems to be an especially mucousy one. i sigh and continue. a moment later as i am flushing the toilet, i glance to the side and am shocked to see a long, slimy line of blood-mucous flung against the wall. like, half a foot at least, and almost an inch wide. what the fuck? i guess it got slapped there during my less than awake wipings. i had to scrub the wall with peroxide to get the stain out.

Not Understanding The Concept: Making Your Job Harder
Couple of days after Hurricane Katrina drowned New Orleans, the Times-Picayune interviewed one of the few cops who hadn't yet walked off the job.

They asked him about the corpse that was lying in the street a few yards away.

Cop: "Yeah, we marked it with traffic cones about four days ago. We've got too much else to do right now.

"If you want to kill someone here, this is a good time."

Me: Can I take naked pictures of you?

Her: Sure.


(she's already naked, so it's not that difficult.)


I use up all the film in my camera.


Her: No internet.


Me: I couldn't do that to you.


Her: Awwww...


Me: I don't have a scanner.

I recently had a date with a very nice young lady. After we left the bar she kissed me very passionately in the parking lot and I responded and also started kissing her neck.

She said stop and pushed me away. I asked if I had hurt her and she said "No, but if you keep that up, I'll have no choice but to rip your clothes off and fuck you right here."


I drove her home, walked her to the door, kissed her again and kissed her neck again.


She responded by taking me out back, stripping me naked and fucking me six ways from Sunday in her hot tub.


Better a hot tub than a bar parking lot, I always say.

When I went to fuck my ex girlfriend, my knees fell into two little divots in the matress. I'd never had sex with her on that bed before. I assumed that she had other visitors before me, but I fucked her anyway. A fuck is a fuck.

Was talking to a guy friend of mine about his girlfriend who, after 3 weeks of dating, had finally given him play that weekend. That seemed rather prudish to me, and then I realized that I had hooked up with my current boyfriend of over a year before we had even started dating. I asked my boyfriend if, in his experience, my friend's girlfriend was prudish or I was just slutty. He said to me: "One of the things that first struck me about you was the fact that you knew more about giving blowjobs and your shirt came off faster than like, any other girl I'd ever been with. I'd talked to you like maybe three times before and you just ripped your shirt off for me. It was cool."
We then proceeded to have a long and adorable conversation about the first time I went down on him in the back of my car in the parking lot of a church... how timid he was, all wide-eyed, like a kid on christmas... such a beautiful memory.


Although, I do think he was just trying to find a nice way to tell me that I'm slutty.

i was talking to my sister and picking my nose, and i turned around to leave the room. then my elbow hit the door frame and shoved my finger further into my nose. it started to bleed. she started to laugh.

Testing some new software at work. Part of the testing involves logging in and doing whatever the hell a normal user would do. To do so, we use a generic log-on ID. Some imaginative soul gave that ID the name of "John Doe."

Today we had too many John Does logged on; no one else could get on the system. My boss said to me, "We need another John Doe."


"Great," I said. "Shall I go kill a drifter?"


Nervous laughter and sidelong glances, the rest of the day.

My boyfriend came up to visit me for the weekend, and I drove him to the train station today to see him off. We got there really early and sat around waiting and talking and slowly getting used to leaving each other again, until the train pulled into the station. We went up on the platform, and the doors opened, and the conductor came and stood right outside the door, which was less than 3 feet away from where we were standing.

We quickly murmured our love and goodbyes and he leaned in to kiss me. My eyes closed, I breathed deeply into the kiss trying to hold onto the feeling of his lips. I knew I would lose it the second he was gone, it's one of those things in life that is too good to be able to recreate in your mind.


We looked up, less than a minute later, to see the train pulling out of the station. We ran alongside it, banging on the door, but it didn't stop. The damn conductor didn't even warn us or anything before getting back on and closing the doors.


Fuck you, LIRR. Fuck you for ruining one of the few true romantic movie moments in my life...

What the difference between Pork and Beans and Beenie Weenies?

They are both made by VanDeCamp and they both have the same description on the label. As far as I can tell the only differece is that Pork and Beans are $.69 for 8oz while Beenie Weenies are $1.35 for 7.7oz. Whoever does marketing at VanDeCamps is a smart man.


Kids love the word weenie.

Walking past the candle store in the mall today, I realized something: if someone were to set fire to that store, the whole mall would probably smell really freaking good.

I've been crossing my eyes a lot and referring to myself as "Bernie Mac" when I do. Have you seen his show?
It's become such a habit that my g/f is threatening to cut me off sexually if I do it any more.

Walking into the brewpub last night, my favourite barmaid Janine looks extremely grateful to see me, which should have tipped me off, but didn't.

Nine guys arrayed around the bar, all giving Janine their undivided lust and ribbing her mercilessly.


I gleefully join in, until I notice that this normally-unperturbable woman is really shaken up.


But that wasn't until after I had delivered a few bon mots, like "Hey! There's nine of us and one of her -- let's lock the door and grab her!"

tales from the farm, part 3

working over the summer because my grandpa paid cash and i was too lazy to get a "real" job.

so there i am, cleaning manure out of the cow corrals with a tractor; dumping the shit into a dumptruck and hauling it out to the fields, tons at a time.

the back of the dumptruck has a T-bar locking the doors in place, but the shit has jammed against the doors, so i'm swinging with a metal pipe to break it loose.

the T-bar finally gives way, and the doors fly open behind the force of nearly 2000lbs of cowshit. i jumped back, and the T-bar went whizzing by my face, grazing my cheek.

had it not been for my fast reflexes, i would no-doubt have been rendered unconscious, partially or completely buried in brown goop.

and you think YOUR job sucks...

Somebody (probably me) had made too many long-distance phone calls from the computer lab where I work at my college, so they took the phone out.

They didn't disconnect it though. A couple of times I've seen this guy come in with a phone, plug it in, and talk on it. He does this late at night. Weird.

Me: Hey man, I'm gonna order a pizza, if you want some come on over.

Friend: Can you get olives, and I'm in the next room just got down fucking your sister.


Me: Ask her what toppings she wants.

I just finished a project at work that entailed writing banner ads to increase soap opera viewership.

F1

"Ben will use anything to try and win Carly's affection."


F2

"Even Mitzi."


It doesn't get any lower than that.

I'm so ashamed.

I jerked off into a bathtowel earlier today and left it by my computer. My mom got home from work about an hour later and I swung around in my chair to greet her.
We began talking about our day's activities. Then the lights dimmed. Imagine a western-film showdown: I saw the towel out of the corner of my eye, and I saw her see it too. Being the mother she is, she proceeded to come pick it up thinking I had just innocently left it on the floor. I swooped in for the kill and grabbed it before she did and said "I got it."


Boy that was akward.

Would you rather have blood in your semen, or semen in your blood?

Yup, it's a real thinker.

As my two friend and I are driving on our way to the nearest lake a blotch of red diverts our attention. As we pass by it my two friends yell, "A hat!" We pull a quick U-turn on the busy highway narrowly being missed by oncoming traffic. We pull over onto the shoulder where the hat rests. My friend in the back seat darts out and grabs it and hops back in. "Cool, another addition to my hat collection. It even has an apple on it!", he says as he puts the dirty, broken in hat onto his head.

There is a guy at my school who is comfortable enough with himself to wear girls pants. The thing is it turns me on so bad. I told him if he put on a pair of my pants (yes we're the same size, my pants are a little long on me but i wear a 27) i wouldn't be able to stop myself from ripping them off and banging him. He thinks i'm joking.

Problem is i'm so not. I want him so bad.

Brilliant stoned idea #851:

You get thirty sets of identical twins, and have them sit in bleachers--one twin per bleacher set (so that you have two identical bleachers filled with identical people)...and then you play LIFE SIZE GUESS WHO!!!


Oh, man. I love myself.

He stopped thrusting and got really quiet. After a puzzling couple minutes of silence, I asked him what he was thinking about.

"My mind is kind of stuck on that "less is more is none" thing now.


If less is more, and less than less is, in fact none, than by progressing along the logical continuation, "none" is actually "the most". But "none" is also the absence of any at all, which is intrinsically necessary for "the most" to exist."


He lapsed back into thoughtful silence. I sighed and reached down to start rubbing my own clit.

He bends me over the kitchen counter and begins to pummel my ass like there is no tomorrow. We're moaning and sweating and screaming obscenities when i hear the front door open. i have 10 seconds to make a decision. have the most amazing orgasm of my life, or save my marriage.
that was a fucking amazing orgasm.

and i dont even miss my husband :)

The strangest guy I ever met was the loser who cornered me outside the movie theater and rebuked me for laughing at most of "American Psycho."
I can't help it, the guy in the movie was such an amateur. Not as an actor, but as a psycho. Trust me, the real ones don't let that guilt bullshit get in the way.

"Jason, what are you doing in there??" My Mom inquires through the bathroom door as I am shaving my chest.

"Um...uh...masturbating."

The night before I transfer out of the worst fucking place the Navy has ever sent me I stagger back to my room after an entire day of drinking.

I get a drunken last minute warning that I have to piss, soon.


As fate would have it I was standing in front of my (complete fucking asshole) Chief’s office door.


As I am unloading on his door I hear someone clear their throat behind me *ahem*.


I turn my head to see the barracks security patrol, give him a nod and say, “I’ll go quietly, just let me finish”.


His reply? “Get the doorknob again” and walks off.


I wish I knew what his reaction was but didn’t want to risk contact with any of those assholes.


Fucking hated them all!

My priest told me "God sees you when you masterbate."

God is such a fucking perv.

I am a mature business woman. No one would guess, but I have been secretly fucking my much younger male friend. No one knows... everyone thinks we are just friends.

We often smoke a lot of weed while we fuck. He gets off on holding the pipe for me and watching me smoke before I go down on him. Then he likes to smoke while I blow him.


One day, I am doing an extra good job I guess.. because he loses his concentration and somehow spills the contents of the pipe! A shower of glowing embers falls all around me, including in my hair!


We both jump up and start swatting it all out. All I can think about is how am I going to explain burned spots in my hair? Especially when no one knows we are fuck buddies.


Now we giggle everytime we smoke weed together with other people.

It really wasn't sexy at all when she asked me to remove my "boy-panties".

Let's just call them underwear or boxers, people. No cute names.

Fuck high voltage electricity. And fuck radio towers too.

I'd also like to take the opportunity to say fuck you to the 9 open blisters surrounded by blackened flesh on my left shoulder.

G/F goes thru my wallet. Finds the receipt for the flowers bought for my ex-wive. She confronts me by throwing it in my face demanding to know "What the hell is this?".
The only response I can think of and say is "I buy you flowers to!"

When I was in 9th grade, my older bitchy sister who told my parents that I smoked pot, was a senior.

She was the total valedictorian and so perfect. SHe had a boyfriend that my parents hated.


My vengence was simple and absolute. I stole a 20 pack of condoms from the pharmacy went home and put a single squirt of liquid hand soap in each unwrapped condom and left them slightly hidden but still in plain site in her bedroom the morning after her boyfriend had been over and she was gone for the day.


Mother walked in and began to spot a lot of used condoms.


I was in heaven. Pure fucking heaven.

why are they all crazy episode two.
her: "look, it's over... you aren't ready to commit, i need more than that. just friends from now on... ok?

me: "cool by me."

her: "well, we probably shouldn't be friends... it just won't work. just take me home."

me: "we both know you're not gonna be able to turn this off... you'll be calling in a week."

her: "you're right... i like you... but just friends, ok? nothing else..."

me: "i said that's fine."

her: "ok then... just friends... don't play footsie with me... friends... that's it..."

then she gave me head while i was taking her home.

what the fuck is that?

though i'm not gonna complain.

House down the street burned down.

Arson. Baby died. Probably dead from abuse beforehand, hence the fire.


Hundreds of yards of "POLICE LINE - DO NOT CROSS" tape for the next two weeks.


They finally bulldoze the place flat, but leave some of the tape.


I grab it, sneak downtown one Saturday night, drape it around my ex-boss's business, front and back.


It takes the bastard until 3pm Monday to get permission to remove it.


I've still got some left :-)

I'm sitting in a church sanctuary, where I am not supposed to be, eating a pizza that I am not supposed to have, and using a computer I am not supposed to be on.

I am living at the church because they think I'm a member.


I'm an atheist. But it's free food, and the locks to the computer room are sooooo easy to pick.

I've been sleeping with this chick for a few weeks, and things have gotten to the experimental stage. She's into anal beads so last night she whips out a bottle of lube and a strand of those big mardi gras beads. We're doing it doggy-style and she tells me to massage her "bad place" with the lube. Once it was nice and greasy, I started feeding the beads into her butt one at a time.
We started doing it doggy-style again, and as each of us got closer to climaxing she told me to pull the beads out. Only she didn't specify that I should pull them out S-L-O-W-L-Y. I give the string a yank and it was like rip-starting a lawnmower. I'm still trying to block out what happened next. Let's just say there was a loud noise, some poop, and a lot of anger involved. So much for our one and only experiment with butt love.

I finally gave in to all the hype and decided to get a Brazilian. I called up my 'just in case' fuck buddy and told him I had a surprise for him but after he fucked me around for 3 days, decided I could do a better job myself. Sitting at the computer I decided to surf a few sites for something appropriate, while sitting in fron of the aircon. Someone had turned down the temp and I shivered.

Damn shiver made my newly waxed parts tingle and I came like never before. Screw porn, give me a wexjob and aircon and I'm satisfied for life.


Can't wait for next months appointment...

there is truely a higher power that loves me, for the thing on my dick IS NOT herpes or any other STD! its a fucking spider bite!!!!
i feel a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

this is what my buddy list looks like:

dudes(11/11)

girls(4/5)

girls i've boned(4/4)

girls to bone(17/64)

underage girls i shouldn't bone again(2/6)

As a teenager I used to regularly take the bus to my mom's apartment in Alameda, and there was this guy I'd flirt with. He was clearly a loser - about 30, wanna-be-rock-star with a day job, blazer and jeans and rocker hair. Plus he was riding the bus, which was a loser thing to do. But I was bored, there in the suburbs, and he was really pretty hot once you got past the style issues. One day I let him follow me home, and we fucked like animals in my mom's living room. It was fun - I learned all sorts of new things - but when it was over I just wanted him out. He feigned romantic intentions, felt bad that he couldn't give me his number because it turns out he was married.
I felt sorry for his wife.

PRESSURE TACTICS

At the place where I was contracting, Jose, who managed contractors, hadn't yet given me a bathroom key. So every time I had to use the bathroom, I'd have to walk across the street. I nagged him for two weeks, but he kept promising it the next day. Finally, I'd had enough.

"Jose, could you get me a key to the bathroom?"

"Sure, I'll get it to you tomorrow."

"If you don't give me the key today, I'll shit on your desk."

"What?!!"

"When you come into work tomorrow, you'll find a big, black, steaming pile of turds on your desk blotter with files buzzing around it."


He got me a key.

During the summer I work in a credit card factory. One day a painter came to re-touch a section of the floor where some heavy machinery usually sat. As I let him into the building, he said, "Ya gots them thar guh hoonkidunks?" I didn't know what that meant, and so I looked at him for a moment, just long enough to read his name tag, while he tried to make real words come out of his mouth.

He didn't succeed, and I walked away thinking, "Well, Darwin, who the fuck naturally selected you?"

i have yet to see a funnier thing when stoned than the episode of star trek: the next generation where commander riker and his dad fight eachother in giant robot suits.

so I worked at SeaWorld San Diego for a very long time. Did I mention that Budweiser owns it. Yeah, so I got a free keg of beer just about weekly, all in the name of keeping the 5000 seasonal employees happy, well just my 20. So one Friday night we have our usual crazy party and I wake up the next day with about twenty minutes until I have to work underneath a dry docked boat. Apparently that was the warmest place I could find to sleep. When I walk up all of my friends are telling the story of a guy who fucked this chick, this fat, manly lookin chick, in front of everyone. They were chearing he was making gestures, there was even a camera. I told them that was hillarious and that I wished I had seen that, but frankly I couldn't remember shit. My best friend, who was sitting at the table, pulls me aside and says, "homeboy, that was you". Yeah right! I didn't believe him for shit until two seconds later up comes this ugly many looking chick, who's name was Barry, and says hello. I damn near died. She was a chick though, I swear

I have a question for anyone. Why is it that you masturbated less before you ever got laid? Masturbatory activity seems to triple I have a question for anyone. Why is it that you masturbated less before you ever got laid? Masturbatory activity seems to triple after your first peice of ass.

K class time

3800!!!!!!!!!