So the other guys are rolling some two-paper joints, and taking the sticky from another paper to hold them together. This prompts the female present and myself to have this conversation:

Her: That's so wasteful!

Me: Yeah, God knows, we can't afford all these one-cent papers! Are you nuts?

Her: No, it's not about money, I mean for the environment!

Me: Oh yeah, because everyone knows that wood doesn't grow on trees!

Her: *5 minutes of silence*

...

...

I used to like you.

The other day on the way to work someone had vandalized this billboard with one of our idiot newscasters on it, having written "Anal Sex" right on the guy's forehead.

I'd like to buy that guy a beer.

Not sure If I was caught or not. Had just finished wanking off and was walking to the bathroom for clean up with my cock hanging out of my jeans. My mom is at the door and asks me what I am doing.

"Going to the bathroom, excuse me"

I dont want to know if she looked down and saw it.

"You know, I'm really glad you have a small chest because when I do something for you I know it's because I love you and not because of your boobs."

Thanks babe.

Ever get the feeling that youre not alive? that youre not really here? youre stuck in automatic?

I do.

I have to look at my hands and snap back to reality, to realise that this is me, I am here, this is my world and I am in control of how I can react to it, this is my life and I am alive.

I have the need to feel, to be able to feel something, anything, to keep me from the "automatic" stages. So I think about whether or not it would hurt if I hurl myself out of my car at 100km/h, and seriously consider doing it, just to be able to feel it, to know that it hurts, so that I can have the experience to know that yes, its true, it does hurt, and all those stories that people tell you about being hurt by falling out of cars at high speeds is true.

It does hurt.

I was at the gym last night.

I'm doing crunches, which I

hate, anyway. The only other

person in the room is this

dumpy, fifty-ish woman.

(also, with the crunching)

Out of nowhere, (technically,

not "nowhere" at all, but

her foul, rotten colon,) comes

the windiest, most putrid

fart ever created.

Horrified, I take it as a sign

from God that it's time to

call it a night.

As I'm leaving, The Hottest

Guy Ever comes into the room.

Says I to him, "It was her."

While at a friend's house, I went into the spare room (which is also the friend's sometime-roommate's room) and rummaged through her drawers, looking for a hand mirror, which I needed to use to look at the back of a TV I couldn't turn around.

While going through the drawers, I found two different spoons that were quite obviously used to cook something -- heroin, I guess. There was leftover crap in the bowl of each spoon, and the bottom was all ashed up.

This girl is a really nice, sweet, friendly girl. She's usually stoned, but on pot. It kind of freaked me out to imagine her on smack. I'd like to think that they belong to a friend of hers (who I know enjoys blow and whatnot), but I just don't know.

Say what you like about pot... at least you don't use a spoon.

so im giving this guy some stellar head, and hes about to lose it. being that this was the first time hed recieved a blowjob from me, he was trying to be all polite when it came to the moment of truth. he pulled out and let go.... only to let out a groan of DISpleasure ( " AWWW... DUDE!!!"): yes, ladies and gentlement, he had given himself the "money shot". hey, at least he missed his open mouth... thats all i gotta say.

I was walking home today after hanging with some friends when some guy pulled up to me and asked for a light.

I gave him my lighter and i saw there were like 3 children sitting in the car.

I thought "you don't smoke near your kids, especially when they're not even 5 years old.

Then it hit me, it wasn't a cig, it was a big, fat doobie that smelled from miles away.

Oh, and he was a foreigner by the way

only in Belgium

um i was at victoria's secret at the cash register and the lady was ringing me up and she was bout to print my receipt when she asks me for my number. i stare at her for a second thinking is she seriiious? finally i answered duude.... im not a lesbian... she looked really confused and explained how it was for the computer. i laughed but refused to give her my number.

I filled out an application at the fast food joint where the manager is a known perv. Not with my own information, of course. She's going to be so surprised when he calls her up.

Under special qualifications, I put "willing to trade blow jobs for promotion, but I need to be coaxed."

Don't know if it will work, but it was a half hour amusingly spent.

One of life's myths:

Some girls just don't do "stuff" in bed.

No, if you make a woman feel like she's a walking goddess, the most important thing on the planet, the most attractive thing you've ever laid eyes on, if you make her feel like she controls you and rules you because you are besotted, infatuated and obsessed with her, if you make her feel as though you will never, ever be a threat to her emotionally,

...not only will she swallow, she'll gargle. And that's just for starters.

I just saw a public service announcement on TV. There seem to be a lot of those on when you only watch TV between midnight and 5am.

Anyways, this one was a guy with a little box all wrapped up like a present, talking about how you can't tell what's in the box just by looking at the outside. He then said that people are the same way.

After all this time, i finally understand, and i see that the only way to really know someone is to tear them open with my bare hands and look closely at what's inside.

I feel ever so much better now.

I was driving home from a party one night at 4am, pitch black out, and I was completely sober... but for some reason I started hallucinating as though I was high... it was kinda cool until I almost swerved into another car because I thought I was going to hit something that was just in my imagination.

I'm laughing at a christian puppet program in one window while beating off to gang bang porno in the other window. I think this means I'm going to Hell.

Sign seen in front of homeless guy:

"Saving up for a hooker"

I tossed a quarter in the hat. hey, honesty has to count for something.

R. once said to the guy coming by his farmhouse to install the sattelite dish...

"Sorry the house is a mess I've been smoking crack all night."

very nonchalantly.

In middle school I remember going to the gym for the DARE program and seeing a slide show on std's. I guess it was their way of intimidating out pre-pubescent bodies into mental and physical celibacy.

One slide stands out in my memory clearly: A picture of a man's nutsack covered in massive yellow boils, or genital warts. The instructor called him "William."

My friend, the same one I buried the porn with later in high school, and I found it so funny we couldn't stop laughing for the rest of the presentation. Why? We thought calling "William"-"Barnicle Bill" instead was the best joke ever conceived.

No one looked at us quite the same after that but I can tell you, good ol Barnicle Bill can still make me pee my pants laughing. Thanks Bill, wherever you are, you bring humor to my life and remind how lucky it is to get laid.

Ever seen one of those articles, where the title and/or first sentance is so funny, you figure it can only get worse? I just read one of those.

"Arizona Sheriff applies for $100,000 bond to train monkey for SWAT team."

Enough said.

I live in a small port city, fishing's a big industry here.

I LOVE fishermen.

I mean, really. They go away, out to sea, for long stretches of time, couldn't call me or check up on me if they wanted to.

And they invariably return, with sh*tloads of cash to spend and looking for someone to spend it on.

You just got get over the faint yet ever-present odor of haddock guts:)

the chick who cuts my hair

filed for divorce.

she said,

"i got my own apartment,

before i told him that

i was filing"

"nothing says 'goodbye'

like your own apartment",

i told her.

then she rinsed.

I read literature, have a fair knowledge of history, politics and art. I carry the responsability of raising a child. I got my teachers degree in English, Dutch and Moral Education. In my free time I've read Plato and have strong opinions on nearly every subject you can name.

But I still think "Dude, where's my car" is the greatest film ever made.

I'm over at some friends house watching tv on the night that Iraq invaded Kuwait. We're hitting the bong pretty hard. There's a knock at the door.

Outside, there's this strange skinny guy, kinda like Gollum from the Hobbit story. He wanted to let us know that he parked in front of the house while he was "giggin' for frogs in da' ditch". He told us he knew people got kinda "iffy" about strange cars. He also told us he sold the frogs to local restaurants for froglegs.

I'll never forget where I was the night Iraq invaded Kuwait.

amen! iuhuijk

my roommate in the dorms was a bit on the uncool side. he took off with some people to get drunk for the first time, and i stayed in my room to study.

a couple hours later, a very inebriated Tim comes stumbling in with a chick. *Holy SHIT!* thinks I, *Tim's gunna score!*

Then she spoke:

"Tim just tried to run in front of a bus. Make sure he doesn't leave the room."

I always miss the coolest stuff.

My son asked me to pick him up from work. He worked for a PR company, using computers. He and another employee had completely destroyed equipment transporting them from one locale to another.

I did what I always do with people I don't know very well. I was diplomatic and witty, smiling at my son's boss and joking with him.

When I was taking my son home, he said, "The boss was really mad at me, mom. That's why I wanted you you pick me up... to make things right."

So What Does A Scotsman Really Wear Under His Kilt?

There's always the famous: "How can you tell if he's a true Scot? He has dandruff on his shoes."

But here's the definitive answer:

Female American Tourist at Edinburgh Castle: "Please tell me if anything is worn under your kilt."

Scots Guard: "No, madam. Everything is in purrfect working order."

Talking to my cousin, who's now in architecture school, he mentions that it is completely consuming him. He said that he no longers minds being single, his architexture classes are providing him with a totally absorbing focal point in his life. "It's better than any relationship I've had with any woman," he said.

Baked, I pause for a moment in thought.

"Maybe you're archi-sexual?"

you know how people ride horses, right? i have always wanted to do the same, except instead of a horse a giant penguin. before you say i am crazy, just think about how cool it would be, riding a penguin through the streets of NYC during a blizzard. and then the bastard decides he wants to slide. come on, how could that not be awesome?

i like to pretend to be all flustered and shy when one of my hot girl friends talks openly about sex and masturbation w/ me. she's now sending me pictures of her in a bondage corset and various states of undress... to tease me since it seems to bother me so much.

score.

Chris Rock once said he's never met a drug pusher. No one's ever been "pushed" into drugs. You might be offered drugs, but the idea of drug pushing is silly.

In the same vein, I don't consider myself a drug dealer. I'm simply a pharmaceutical availability specialist.

Lying next to her, staring into her beautiful face, making sure she was still breathing, the smell of 151 strong on her breath, I realized

I want to marry this girl

Dad: oh so he's ugly

Girl: No way, he's cute. I'd so hit it.

Dad: oh no! **face of horror** don't tell your dad that!

My mom told me I could use her car to go out. I was so happy. I was so careful. I got home before curfew.

Next day, about 1:00, my mom comes home from the grocery store and berates me about the humongous, bright-red-and-pale-beige booger I wiped on the edge of the driver's-side air vent.

I was proud of it.

the conversation degraded rapidly

no man i m telling you she was so horrible in bed she just lay there waiting for me to do her like she was too good to hafta put any effort in that at one point i took her wrist and looked at my wrist like i was checking my watching miming like i was looking for her pulse

she didnt even get the joke

In my yougner adolescent days, I thought biker shorts were cool. The neighborhood bullies thought otherwise. They caught me wearing nut hugging biker shorts one day and decided to have some juvenile laughs at my expense. I was chased around the streets until I ran out of breath. The bullies tackled me and pinned my ankles behind my head. One bully says to the other, "Flick the lump! Flick the lump!" My testicles were on the receiving end of 3 painful snapping blows. Needless to say, I no longer think so highly of biker shorts.

Curious female wonders: How did I manage to score 4 free drinks at that bar on the lake?

Could it have been:

A) the impressive act of parking a large boat in a tiny corner spot at the pier (a job deserving of the standing ovation I received from onlookers)

B) the fact that my second drink purchaser had just graduated from the college I attend

C) the fact that my third drink purchaser attends the college my sister attends

D) a belated birthday gift (my 21st birthday was a couple weeks prior)

E) the site of my huge boobs in a black string bikini with half of a $20 bill sticking out

Answer: let's be honest... most likely E. Why do you think I put on the bikini? What I'm curious about is who will purchase my next drink?

*Welcome to Baltimore*

Today, a man choked to death. At around 9:30 PM yesteday, he was supposedly selling drugs downtown. Confronted by police officers, he proceeded to swallow a bag full of heroin gel caps. He began choking, lost conciousness, was recussitated, punched an officer in the head, screamed obscenities, lost conciousness again, and died at 10:36 PM.

Ahh...city life.

B: I feel like such a slut.

Me: Why?

B: I've slept with three people, and I'm only 19.

Me: ...

B: What?

Me: Shut up.

When I get my hair cut, especially when they cut the little edges around my ears and the back of my neck, I get this tingling feeling in my whole body. I swear it's almost as good as sex. Feels so good, I'd get my hair cut every day if it would grow fast enough.

last night got hammered at a local bar. i left through the backdoor without paying and set off the alarm. when i got to my car, my keyring was empty, meaning my keys had fallen off somewhere in the parking lot. i grabbed the hide-a-key from under the back bumper and drove home badly. i then slept in the backseat until daylight. i woke up and drove back to the bar parking lot to find my keys. i found my car key first, which i now had two of, counting the hide-a-key. i need the goddamn house key! continue hunting for it. take a big, open to the public, daylight piss in the parking lot. found the house keys, drove home, called in sick to work and went to sleep. i'll be getting a copy of my house key made today, and it will be stored in the car.

Nana to GF#1, during dinner in a restaurant with my family:

"Do you know what you would look good in? A black negligee. No. Wait...a red one"

Stunned horror.

Nana to GF#2, same setting.

N-"Do you want some of my tart?"

GF-"No, thanks. I'm not big on desserts"

N-"How about when you are on your period? Do you like them then?"

Stunned horror.

we used to tell my nana that dinner was an hour earlier than it actually was, cos she was notoriously late.

now we tell her dinner is an hour later than we actually get to the restaurant, so we can get banged-up enough on wine to deal with her.

It's not my moment, but my friend Fatty's.

Apparently this guy was working hard at McDonald's (workin' hard, hardly workin'... whatever) Anyway, the urge for a bowel movement overpowered my buddy and he shat himself. Standing next to the line, he shook his leg and let fall a butt nugget, down his pants and onto the floor at which point he kicked the nugget under the cold table.

This isn't the best part of this story.

Whenever my friend tells this story, he laughs uncontrollably. Now when my friend Fatty gets laughing his face turns red. If he happens to see his own big fat belly jiggling like a bowl full of jelly, it makes him laugh harder. So whenever we want to see a fat man in hysterics, we ask Fatty to tell the McDonald's story.

I'm sitting here, trying to eat, and my jaw hurts sooo bad that I can't open my mouth.I'm ready to rush out to the emergency room, convinced I've somehow contracted lockjaw, that's how intense the pain is. Then I realize what's wrong & proceed to laugh my ass off.

Being the stupid slut that I am, I had forgotten that I'd spent the first hour and a half of my morning sucking a 9 inch cock.

Ladies, I strongly advise against it without an intense warm-up routine....

It just suddenly occured to me that with all their indescriminate sex, Lowbrow readers/posters must make up the bulk of STD transmiters in the world.

From now on I will ask people if they have ever been to this site before I have sex with them because I'd rather not get chlamydia.

I'm supposed to be working. I've brought in an extra employee so I can cyber and surf the web. Being the boss rocks sometimes.

So I have four msn windows open. I'm casually flipping between them as I write this. Each of them thinks they have my complete attention.

Window one...nineteen, thinks he wants to marry me. As long as I type "kiss" and "I love you" every five minutes, he is satisfied.

Window two...forty-something in the closet male, who acts out his fantasies in a not so subtle way by pretending I'm wearing a strap on and he is giving me a blowjob. I am curiously turned on by this.

Window three...18 year old girl. Playing with her sexuality, wants to cyber with a woman. She is more interested in typing out the whole scenario, so an occasional "mmmm" or "oh yess" from me is doing the job.

Window four...yet another guy 14 years my junior, wants to call me mom and fuck me. I told him I was on the phone and I'd be right back. I'm not. And I won't be.

Reload.

Reload.

Very few men know that there is a nerve that runs down a fourth finger on a woman's left hand that, when it compressed (by, say, a ring), causes the woman to suddenly and irreversably become allergic to semen.

You have been warned.

When I was in 7th grade, a girl wrote, "You're very original" in my yearbook. She was trying to be clever because she didn't like me.

I wiped a booger in her yearbook.

Who do you think got the last straw?

The TV is showing some chicks applying for a horror movie, and they're showing off their screams.

Girlfriend's Mom: "I bet you could scream like that."

Me: "She sure can!"

I gotta wonder exactly what part of my brain decided to pipe up and say, "I know what would be a good thing to say right about now!"

My friend S. likes to make a lot of sarcastic jokes. He also started making a list of things he can't joke about around me, because my personal experiences with those issues now creep him out. So far, the list includes:

-adultery

(S.:"How's your married boyfriend?")

-stalking

(S.:"Watch out, I think he's stalking you." Me:"Again? Another one?")

-mental illness

(S.:"I think he's schizophrenic" Me:"I don't think so, my ex is schizophrenic, and he acted a lot differently")

-drugs

(Me: "no, cocaine doesn't actually do that to people.")

-nudity

(don't ask. Alcohol makes my clothes fall off.)

only 50 more to 3000!

:D:D:D:D:D

Not my moment...but a dear friend of mines....

(Hey Stephanie!!!)

During the wonderful week of her period, she runs over to the nearby walgreens to grab a box of tampons, starbursts and something to drink. While waiting to checkout a couple college guys come up behind her and whisper "don't you just LOVE your period?!" to which she replied "KINKY SEX!" while she grabbed her boob.

They watched her in confusion as she went back out to the car. Smiling broadly, clutching her feminine items...her mom asks "What? Tampons make you feel empowered or something?"

My economics professor was talking about unemployment today. He said, "The only people who don't contribute any money are the elderly and babies."

I didn't say it, but I thought, "I don't know about the babies... I hear you can fetch a good price for the blond and blue-eyed ones."

Goddamn, I hate being so ticklish.

It makes fooling around a bitch.

It feels so good...but I can't stand it for more than a second.

I need to start using safety words.

I can always differentiate (ah, I love that word) the inputs from Canadians or Brits and U.S. folks. Words such as favorite (favourite), beer joints (pubs), tires (tyres). Those are the written words.

Face/voice conversation?

When not understanding, Canadians say, "Eh?" Texans say, "Huh?"

Oh crap, you can tell I don't have a lot to do tonight.

I was at a party and had to take a shit. There was a line outside the door. I went to flush and it failed to take my poop down. I didn't want to let it sit in the bowl because everyone would know it was mine, so I grabbed some toliet paper, and dropped it out the forth story window.

my friends are taking me to a level 3 yoga class. i had never been to yoga before. sure i had done some stretches here and there but never with the master.

as we are getting out of the car janine states, fuck i have gas. i give a little smirk and think, thank god its not me.

KARMA, KARMA, KARMA.

as my leg is reaching over my shoulder i let out a roping fart. my face turns pink as my pussy and my friends start laughing hysterically.

This happens 2 more times!! The teacher, master, whatever. says, dont worry let it all out!

As i glance down the row of people the cutest guy is just looking at me dumbfounded.

I should have got his number. we could have had farting contests.

After a rather heavy night at the bar my coworker/friend was not feeling to well at all. She finally insisted on pulling over in desperate need to escavate contents of her stomach onto the curb. This went on for so many minutes that by the end the poor girl was in tears.

Wanting to make her feel better I thought it would be amusing to run up to the closest house and piss in their mailslot .... into the house.

Upon seeing this she cracked a smile and started laughing hysterically as I whizzed away into some strangers hallway.

Week later, on a casual sunday drive we passed the house rather by coincidence ...

The sign on the lawn said for rent.

Personally I would have got a dog.

my bestest friend is moving to quebec city to go to school there for a year. i was pretty depressed, until he wrote 'you make me shit my pants' in french on a piece of paper. i laughed hysterically, and putting it away in my wallet, in the clear window bit, i realized the other thing i had put in there, a fortune saying 'you are a true friend.' so i slid the french note right underneath.

i guess i was pretty young. my parents were talking about the grocery list. my mom added "douche thing". so i asked her what it was and she didn't answer. later in the checkout line i asked again, "what's a douche thing?". people looked. she still didn't answer.

I lent her my car. She wrecked it. But I loved her. I rented an apartment for us and she didn't pay her way. But I loved her. She used our apartment to blow some other guy while I was working. I used to love the way she'd blow me.

Now she's still going to school (year after year) and blowing guys for rent.

Least she found something she's good at.

I stepped off the bus this evening, same time as I do every other evening. Not much was different than any other night. Except for maybe the temperature. And my usual bus ride companion did not show up for work tonight.

I took a cigarette out of my pack and put it in my mouth. As I closed the pack, I saw that I was running low. “time to shell over another $8.50” I said in my mind. I stowed the free cigarette behind my ear and walked toward the only open store in the strip mall across from my apartment.

As I walked, I noticed a well groomed man across the street, slamming his fist into the Toronto sun newspaper box, trying to get a free paper no doubt. He banged a few times, but then gave up and ran across the street towards me. I stepped quickly out of his path so that he could get to the newspaper box on my side of the street. Again, this man proceeded to slam his fist into lock mechanism on this different box.

“You have to pay for them, you know?” I said to him. He glanced at me briefly. A look of desperation on his face. Gritting his teeth.

“No change” he said.

I dug into my pockets and brought out 2 quarters and fed the paper box in front of him. He quickly ripped the door open, grabbed the last paper inside and ran awkwardly back across the street, Uttering the word ‘Thanks’ under his breath as he shuffled along.

I felt a little dejected. Not really that I was hopping for anything more than the word thanks. But I was interested as too why he was so desperate to get a ‘Toronto Sun’ newspaper, which is just as bad to read as the weekly supermarket tabloids. But hey, who am I to question. I read that trash as well when there isn’t anything else to hold my interest.

I continued on my way to the store for my cigarettes. The whole journey took about 2 minutes before I was back at my starting location. The cigarette I propped behind my ear was now lit in my right hand. I walked slowly to my building, enjoying my smoke. Totally forgetting that I just dumped close to $10 in the support of my filthy habit.

I got to the front steps of the building. I still had more than half a smoke left, so I decided to sit and finish it.

Now I know smoking is supposed to kill a lot of our sense of taste and smell. But when it comes to smelling shit, you smell it full force. I quickly check the bottom of my shoes to make sure I did not step in a big dirty pile of dog excrement. These were my dress / work shoes. (there is a big hole on the side of one of them… very classy) and I would have been upset if I had to go upstairs and scrub them clean for tomorrow. But alas, my shoes were clean.

I suddenly heard the slight sound of crinkling paper not too far away from where I was standing, Off in the bush. I paid it no mind. I was too busy being disgusted by the horrible odor that my nose was witnessing. I flicked what was left of my cigarette in the direction of the bush and headed inside. I heard a slight yelp of pain. I turned to see the well kept man who was in desperate search of a newspaper less than 5 minutes ago, running from the bush, tugging his pants up over his pasty white ass with one hand. The other batted at his hair, extinguishing the orange sparks from my cigarette butt.

“what the fuck’ I said out loud. I watched him run up the street and out of sight.

I walked back down the steps to where the man ran out of. And there I found the newspaper I had bought for the stranger. Most of it lay open on the ground. A large clump of human excrement lay down the spine of the paper. Other pieces of the paper were bunched up in wads and had appeared to be used to wipe himself. I laughed out loud at the sight of this.

On my way up in the elevator, I thought to myself. “why didn’t he grab a copy of ‘employment news’ or one of the other free newspapers that were in a box beside the Toronto Sun.”

I don’t think I will ever know. Unless I see him again tomorrow.

So I was manic and having my mother ask me questions to the Jung Typology Test, when I suddenly decided I didn't want to be doing it any more. The next question was: "You find it hard to be engaged in an activity

that requires your continuous attention" I think she answered it without me responding.

I wish I had some pot.

When I was a little girl I was sitting on my mothers lap while she and my older sister chatted...My mother sneezed and said, " Oh my! " and promptly placed me down whilst running to the bathroom. She came back and asked my sister if it "ever happened to her" they both became all knowing and I am like what the fuck? I honestly thought they both shat their pants on a regular basis or something (I was like 9) Now I finally know...when you have your period and you sneeze: some sort of vortex.

I'm at the neighbors for a Christmas party, and go to use their bathroom. Upon entering I notice a huge turd floating in the toilet. Somebody else's turd. I flush, and the thing does lazy circles on the top of the water, refusing to go down. More flushes, same result.

Someone knocks on the door. "Just a minute, please." My face turns red. There's nothing in the bathroom to push it down with. I start to panic.

I wrapped my hand in toilet paper, and it a well-coordinated move, flushed with one hand and plunged the turd with the other.

I immediately went home thereafter, took a scalding hot shower, and drank a half bottle of vodka by myself.

so i was getting it on with my girlfriend way back when, when suddenly my cell started ringing. i simply reached down from the bed and switched it off.

a minute later, her little brother (aged 13) stormed into the room, demanding to know whether a friend of mine (whom he tremendously liked) just called. we yelled at him to get the fuck out.

yet another minute later, her mother came in, steaming, demanding to know why we were yelling obscenities at her kid son.

=>

1.) always seal yourself into a nuclear bunker before doing your girl.

2.) make sure to cut the phone line to the bunker.

3.) if you should ever have to completely fold up your boner while still inside the girl, have her rabid mother break into the bunker. immediate erectile dysfunction guaranteed.

4.) if the bunker is owned by her parents, you're likely to never again see it from the inside (and if she is rather well-protected, the same applies to seeing HER from the inside, too)

My dad said the most intelligent thing I've ever heard him say last night:

"This is a time in a teenager's life where he holds high ideals before they become cynical . . . and you are clearly ahead of the curve."

Damn straight.

I'm the only female in a house full of guys. Four sons and

a husband. I'm the only one who would be using Female

products.....correct? A peculiar thing was happening at my

house.

Tampons were disappearing! A few months ago I went to my

cupboard to get out a tampon,and there was only one left.

I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before.

So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about

it. Next month I go back to the cupboard...and again...there

is only one tampon left again. What's going on? Gremlins?

I go to the store and buy another box, and forget about it.

I decided to clean out my two youngest sons closet and at

the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators

and the tampons themselves. I am starting to freak! What are

they doing with them?

I get a hold of myself and tell myself that I am an adult

and can handle this, despite the bizarre thoughts running

through my mind. I'm thinking, "Do I have enough money saved

up in the bank for major therapy?" I go to the top of the

stairs and yell for my two youngest sons to "come here!"

They march up the stairs and find me in their room staring

into the bottom of their closet. I said "What are you doing

with those? Those are mine!"

My 10 year old looks at me all innocent and says. "Well,

Mom, we were playing with our G.I. Joes and stuff... and

those make really good scud missiles...What do you use them

for?" To which I replied: "Never Mind! Go Play!"

I tried to avoid feeling dirty after sleeping with him, telling myself, "it's not like he gets around, he's not exactly a ladies man... how many girls could he have fucked?"

Then I realized that the girls who would fuck him were probably skanky, and they were the ones who got around.

Y'know, just like me.

once i had a dream that i was a guy. i had this nice penis and some nice, hairy balls. and i raped a guy friend of mine in the ass. he was crying like a little baby, but man, it felt good.

i still masturbate to this dream.

One night after the bar, me and a couple of guys went to the Perkins for bottomless coffee. Between the three of us, we must have drank at least 10 big pots of coffee until 6 am - then we finally went home to go to sleep.

Right. Sleep.

The Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual Organisatoin at my uni in Georgia had a "Wear jeans if you're coming out" day. Ha ha ha ha to all the uptight homophobic bigoted bible-loving redneck fuckheads who freaked out that day...

I've decided that if given a choice between world peace and getting instant gratifying revenge on everyone who has ever wronged me or pissed me off, all you fuckers are going down.

last night while we were comming off of cactus, actually we were well over the peak and still just had a little body fry, we ordered pizza. we still had some cactus juice left over, so i told my friends roommates (who were sober) that i was going to offer it to the pizza guy. i open the door with a beer in my hand, and the pizza guy is some white guy with dreads. i imediatly ask him if he wanted to trip on some mescaline and he says, sure why not. then he goes on to say how people only offer him pot/lines/alcohol but never any psycadellics. we make him pound this foul tasting substance and we tell him that he's gonna start feeling strange in about 2 hours. he said thats cool.

mission successful. i fed the pizza guy weird drugs that he's never had before. i wouldn't trust us, but he did. that guy is cool as fuck in my book.

we called the pizza place about an hour and a half later and asked if John the pizza delivery guy was there, the chick on the phone said no. so i told her to tell him when she sees him, that "the kids from apartment 127 wanted to call and see how he was doing."

Talking to a friend whom I hadn't spoken with for close to six months. He decided he had found god at his girlfriend's father's memorial service. He said it had done scores of good for him. Without realizing it, I said out loud, "I have to get out of this town and do something before I give up and find god". I had been tactful up until that point. Oops.

the family came to visit and we hit up one of the many popular texmex joints. i ordered a mexican martini (cos they're so fucking good) and my dad elbows me and says, "Do you know what the rule about martinis is?"

"?"

"They're like breasts. One is too few and three is too many."

victoria's secret "extra small" underwear is too big for my skinny ass.

luckily i can buy a 10 pack of panties in girls' size Ten from Kmart that fit me perfectly, and they're dirt cheap.

plus, they're making really sexy underwear for twelve year old girls these days...

freshman year of high school, i'm in Phoenix for this national high school journalism convention. the first day, i eat something that doesn't agree with me, and spend the night puking.

hoping breakfast will help, a few of us head out in the morning for some grub. half-way across a busy intersection, i feel the urge.

i sprint back to the garbage can on the corner and begin heaving my guts out to the horror of everyone parked in front of me waiting for the green light. finished up and cruised in for breakfast.

ended up filling up the hotel garbage can with vomit that day.

years later, i still regret not leaving that trash can in front of the girls' room down the hall, for them to find

so we're bored as hell on a sunday evening in the summer. somebody finds a case of coke cans and golf clubs, so, being the dumbass college kids that we are, we start swinging away at the *thorroughly* shook up cans. this is all well and good, but the explosions are simply dissapointing. somebody finds a can of axe, and decides that it would be a good idea to take a swing at it. we see what he is about to do just in time to find cover.

The ER Dock said that was the first time he ever had to dig a shard of aluminum out of a patients scrotum.

I'm standing in a mosh at a Reel Big Fish concert.

A little "raver" girl behind me screams out "Chinese orgasm!" and starts to squeal loudly.

Somehow, I don't see the connection between punk music and an Asian person's climatic sexual moment....

I was about 7-8 years old when my mom asked me if I knew where my Play-Dough factory toy is: With this toy you applied pressure on a lever to squeeze out Play-Dough out of one of many changable formed shapes-- hearts, a plus sign, etc. Kinda like having a toothpaste tube squeeze out toothpaste in different shapes. Pretty messy toy, too.

Anyway, I couldn't find it. My mom made me look for it some more. I thought this was odd because she never asked where *any* of my toys were, much less this one. And it sure was odd that I couldn't find this one toy that she requested for me to find... And just as odd she had a wicked gleam in her eye as she saw my confusion. I filed that look away for future processing.

After a lot of confusion on my part, I admitted to her that I couldn't find it. I was punished for "losing" this toy with a light spanking and being grounded for the weekend.

Thirty years later I know she deliberately threw the toy away, took pleasure in my scurrying around to find it, and enjoyed punishing me for the "loss" that she caused. Gotta maintain discipline with the kids, no matter what. That's my mom.

bitch.

One of my favorite generational shibboleths is when older folks are relating an anecdote of a sexual nature and they'll stop to point out that "this was before we knew about aids." Well duh, grandpa, if you had a swinging sex life 25 years ago I am not thinking about the sex you had last week.

Bought a pair of shoes I really couldn't afford. Realized I needed the money, so two days later purposely broke the strap and returned them for being "defective."

Working retail I'm always asked for discounts on stuff. This instance was no different. I glanced over the merchandise to determine how much off I'd take. It was ten dollars, so I decided to take two dollars off.

"Two dollars?! That's it? At least give me the standard ten percent. Two dollars is nothing!"

What can I say? The customer is always right.

I have to say, the vehelmency and vicious sincerity - the complete passion in the eyes of a person telling me how much they cant stand Britney Spears or one of those boy bands - the raw pink in the face near trembling vitality of it.

It seems so much closer to getting off then anyone Ive ever witnessed saying how much they like them.

Theres a reason to seek fame - the notion not that you'll be adored and masturbated over by adoring worshipers but that people will lean all hot and sweaty at other people in hallways and across tables saying how much you suck and how much they fucking cant stand you. Then masturbating over you later anyway.

Hit me baby one more time.

WHAT IN THE BLOODY HELL?!

i'm in a public library....and there are children fucking screaming. It's not yet 11am and there are children who should be in fucking school walking around the damn library. who in the hell gave these kids permission to speak or be here?! ITS A LIBRARY! I'm trying to slack off and get a bit of reasearch done and kids are fucking yelling. when i was a kid if i even talked in a library it was a beating for me. i think i breated to loud. beating. NO WONDER THE DAMN KIDS ARE SO LOUD! the parents are pussys. BEAT your fucking children or i'll do it for you. damn kids these days not being beaten. I blame this as the source for bad television, pop music and rap. fucking kids.

I don't have any way to measure the amount of Tang I put in my water. And instead of a scoop, I uh, pour the Tang directly into a homemade paper funnel.

Sometimes I overpour and it's way too orangey. Sometimes I underpour and it just tastes like ass.

In both situations, I'm far too lazy to do anything about, so I just choke it down.

Tang and Oreos. Yeah, I'm gonna raise my kids on this shit.

How Soon We Forget...

There's a box been gathering dust for the last three years in a corner of my computer room.

I can't remember what's in it, so I open it up.

It's my CD collection! All of it!

I had the same feeling once when I opened a heavy box full of dusty, scratched 78rpms.

But what to do with these?

I calculate, and realize I can fit all of them into 80Gig of hard drive space.

That's about $70 worth of space, these days.

I can see I have a long ripping session ahead of me...

Helium Shoes

At the dinner table, I show my fiancée my new sneakers, and mention that they're very light.

She hefts one: "Wow, nice, but nowhere near as light as my dad's helium shoes."

Me: "???"

She: "When I was 10, my Dad came home with a pair of really light shoes. He explained that the manufacturer injected compressed helium into them, so they weighed almost nothing."

Me: "Compressed helium?" I look over at her Dad (LowBrow keyword: "You've been fucking my daughter!"). He hasn't accepted me at all yet, but at least he has the grace to blush and avert his eyes.

Me: "Annie. Why would compressed helium be lighter than air?"

Across the table, Dad loses it. Twelve years later, somebody found him out. Annie is stricken. It was one of her favourite childhood stories.

My girlfriend just dumped me because my wife is a $300 an hour hooker.

Yes, she's hot, and yes, she makes a fortune, but she's a total asshole.

The wife, that is.

Is unfettered access to lots of cash worth it?

I gave my wife syphilis for Christmas.

It was a cute little stuffed toy, representing Treponema pallidum, the microbe that causes syphilis. It's snake-like, coiled, pink with little eyes. It comes with a card attached so that there is no mistaking what it is supposed to be.

I gave it to her just so that I could say to everybody we know, "I gave my wife syphilis for Christmas."

the saddest day of my life:

i realized i genuinely don't enjoy orgasming.

i don't know why; i just don't. i haven't told my boyfriend yet, though... i figure i should get something in return for all that head i give.

Okay. So these guys move in next door to me. They smoke, I smoke, we hang out.

One of them, the owner of the new place, is old. Not old old, 40's old (I'm 21 as I write this).

He's got kids, ranging in age from 8 to 17.

The 17 year old he has never called by any name but Shithead.

So one night, we're sitting around, drinking beers, smoking, yadda yadda. The 17 year old had gone to bed about an hour before. Out of nowhere the guy breaks conversation to lean his head back and scream "SHIT HEAD!".

After a few trys the kid comes walking out of his room, in sweatpants, rubbing his eyes. Obviusly just woken up from a good sleep.

He walks in and asks his dad what he wants.

The guy looks to the fridge about 10 foot away and then back to the kid.

"Shithead. Beer me."

Kid does so and goes back to bed.

The guy picks up the conversation where he left off.

Wow.

Look lady, if you don't want dirty old bastards such as myself, learing at your teenage daughter, then you shouldn't parade her around town dressed like a hooker.

she slept sandwiched, he and I on either side.

I caressed her shaved warm wetness while she slept and deftly slid inside. She moaned and rolled towards me, realizing it was the wrong guy.

It was fine with her, except for my Italy-bound girlfriend.

He slept on.

Just spent $400 of the company's money to get a Palm Tungsten C with Wifi, spent another $600 for a "corporate approved" wireless router, several hours of time spent by our IT department to set it all up ... so I can read lowbrow while sitting on the company's toilet wasting time.

A bunch of couples go skinny-dipping at a friend's pool one night. The water was murky when we got in because of an algae bloom, but unknown to us our friend had "shocked" the pool with chemicals just before we got it in.

A few hours later, everyones drunker and louder. Our friends' teenage daughter comes home from a date and walks up to the pool. Little did we know the water had now completely cleared up. "Mr. _____, you're not wearing anything?!?"

It's the closest I've come to feeling like a degenerate swinger.

A friend of mine just told me over the phone that when he ejaculates, it can make a distance of over two metres.

He said to me, you know that Fat Boy Slim song, "You've Come a Long Way, Baby?"

I think our friendship has just reached a new level.

I was with this guy and he had the biggest dick I have ever seen.

He then asks me "Do you think it's an ok size? I'm always worried it's a little small. I'm too scared to compare with other guys." I honestly think this guy was genuine, he had no idea he had a massive dick.

I told him it was ok, didn't let on how big it really was, in case I ended up dating him, I didn't want him having an ego about it.

Am I going to hell for that?

Yeah baby