26 bottles of beer on the wall, 26 bottles of beer...
Take one down, pass it around, 25 bottles of beer on the wall...

25 bottles of beer on the wall, 25 bottles of beer...
Take one down, pass it around, 24 bottles of beer on the wall...

24 bottles of beer on the wall, 24 bottles of beer...
Take one down, pass it around, 23 bottles of beer on the wall...

23 bottles of beer on the wall, 23 bottles of beer...
Take one down, pass it around, 22 bottles of beer on the wall...

22 bottles of beer on the wall, 22 bottles of beer...
Take one down, pass it around, 21 bottles of beer on the wall...

21 bottles of beer on the wall, 21 bottles of beer...
Take one down, pass it around, 20 bottles of beer on the wall...

20 bottles of beer on the wall, 20 bottles of beer...
Take one down, pass it around, 19 bottles of beer on the wall...

19 bottles of beer on the wall, 19 bottles of beer...
Take one down, pass it around, 18 bottles of beer on the wall...

18 bottles of beer on the wall, 18 bottles of beer...
Take one down, pass it around, 17 bottles of beer on the wall...

17 bottles of beer on the wall, 17 bottles of beer...
Take one down, pass it around, 16 bottles of beer on the wall...

16 bottles of beer on the wall, 16 bottles of beer...
Take one down, pass it around, 15 bottles of beer on the wall...

15 bottles of beer on the wall, 15 bottles of beer...
Take one down, pass it around, 14 bottles of beer on the wall...

14 bottles of beer on the wall, 14 bottles of beer...
Take one down, pass it around, 13 bottles of beer on the wall...

13 bottles of beer on the wall, 13 bottles of beer...
Take one down, pass it around, 12 bottles of beer on the wall...

12 bottles of beer on the wall, 12 bottles of beer...
Take one down, pass it around, 11 bottles of beer on the wall...

11 bottles of beer on the wall, 11 bottles of beer...
Take one down, pass it around, 10 bottles of beer on the wall...

10 bottles of beer on the wall, 10 bottles of beer...
Take one down, pass it around, 9 bottles of beer on the wall...

9 bottles of beer on the wall, 9 bottles of beer...
Take one down, pass it around, 8 bottles of beer on the wall...

8 bottles of beer on the wall, 8 bottles of beer...
Take one down, pass it around, 7 bottles of beer on the wall...

7 bottles of beer on the wall, 7 bottles of beer...
Take one down, pass it around, 6 bottles of beer on the wall...

6 bottles of beer on the wall, 6 bottles of beer...
Take one down, pass it around, 5 bottles of beer on the wall...

5 bottles of beer on the wall, 5 bottles of beer...
Take one down, pass it around, 4 bottles of beer on the wall...

4 bottles of beer on the wall, 4 bottles of beer...
Take one down, pass it around, 3 bottles of beer on the wall...

3 bottles of beer on the wall, 3 bottles of beer...
Take one down, pass it around, 2 bottles of beer on the wall...

2 bottles of beer on the wall, 2 bottles of beer...
Take one down, pass it around, 1 bottle of beer on the wall...

1 bottle of beer on the wall, 1 bottle of beer...
Take one down, pass it around, HA HA HA - No more beer left, you drunk.

Wow, that was long....

Victory

I'm back in first place, hurray! :D

NoSoup 588
mexicanonabike 559
skier 557
CSflim 510
Ishmal 152

Boy, sure is lonely up here at the top.....

But what a great view :D

Well, now that I'm in first place, I suppose I should head to lunch...

See you later everyone :D

We are catching up quickly to our competition...

damn you can fall back to 3rd place so easily

and nosoup did that whole beer bottle thing again.

remarkable

at least i'm in second place now

but now i'm going to post lowbrow moments because that's the most fun

My brother once got caught pissing off a bridge onto the cars below.

He was just getting into full flow when my mom came along and caught him at it, she had to stand there while he finished the piss, listening to the horns blaring and the people laughing before she dragged him home for a beating.

I still laugh my tits off whenever I think about it but my mom still refuses to talk about it 14 years later

I went up to the bar, here in Mississippi, the othernight and there was this standard-issue bearded burn-out. He was trying hard to be wreckage from 'Nam. Except he was confused and got carried away and told us all that he'd crashed his chopper here a couple nights ago and was sleeping on the street until his buddies could come get him.

He leaned over to the guy on the next stool and said, "You speak gook?" The guy shook his head no. So the burnout went on to say that his job was to kill P.O.W.s.

I took his picture and the flash spooked him. He said he was going to bust me like Humpty-Dumpty.

Hmmm... to think I was contemplating sobriety.

So the other day i was smoking a joint in the shed behind my house, when I hear my mom's car pull up in the driveway. I got so freaked out that i just threw the joint and high tailed it to my room. ten minutes later, my mom comes into my room yelling that i need to call 911, because the shed is on fire.

Moral: Put out your joints, kids.

the night that i became "that guy" (although i am a girl)

i drank too much and tried to show a bunch a people this "trick" with a beer bottle cap where you rub it on the wall and it sticks. turns out it only sticks to cement-style dorm room walls, not the nice drywall ones. what it does do is leave a big streak of paint from the bottle cap on the wall. everyone went from laughing to staring as i tried to rub it off, but ended up rubbing off the top layer of paint in a spot at eye level, exposing the different colored pain beneath. i never partied at that kids house again.

So I'm 15 years old and lying in bed around midnight when I hear my mother and father talking in their room.

They'd been out that evening, and my dad sounded pissed about somebody who'd nearly hit him at an intersection or something.

Idling eavesdropping on this conversation, I hear my mother say "Let me make you feel better", and next thing I know I'm listening to her give my dad a blow job.

Needless to say, five seconds later I was out of bed with my ear against the wall, jacking off furiously.

Probably shouldn't have brought up my dad's near-accident at breakfast the next morning, though...

Do you know how much fun it is to fuck with people?

I work in a Computer Laboratory on campus. Tonight I signed into one of the PCs at the beginning of my shift. Seems some idiot (Hello AJ31185!) left their AIM account signed in, which always serves to piss me off.

The first person to message me was named "Vyndictive". Eventually, Vyndictive asks me whether or not I want "this job" (not mine, the guy whom he thought I was) and I tell him, "fuck no." Then he says, "you're fired" and I tell him, "Well, that's vindictive." (I wonder if he got it). He logs off.

Partway through the above conversation, someone else on the list messages me, Cohen or something like that. I start off by telling him I'm fucking with someone's account that left them self signed in, unintentionally. He thought that was hilarious, until he realized that I wasn't his buddy, and that his buddy was currently unaware of my hijinks involving his account. Then the hypocrite has a nerve to tell me that I should "buy a bullet and rent a gun" over an insignificant AIM account. The next 3 lines I reply to him, he responds with "gay" -- sans capitalization or punctuation. I ask, "You've a fine grasp of the English language, don't you?" His response? "yup"

As I'm about to sign off, the person whose account I'm on, logs in. So in that window that pops up to log yourself off from a remote location, I type "1" and hit enter. I managed to log off the owner 3 or 4 times before he or she gave up. While that's going on, this window pops up with a greeting from someone with yellow text on a bright pink background, so you know it's a girl. I answer, "sup slut", then with "whatever bitch, I'm out", and I logged off.

The lowbrow moment? It was so much fun, I logged onto the other 24 computers in the lab to find someone else who hadn't signed out just to fuck with them.

I used to work with this girl, who told me this story about her mother and her mothers boyfriend. She came home one day from work and as she opened the door she heard a little scream. When she looked in she saw her mothers boyfriend sitting on the couch with no pants and her mother on her knees in front of him.

When she saw her daughter, all her mother could do was laugh, with a big cummy grin on her face.

People from Sudbury are fucked up

boys, quit bitching about girls not shaving their bush. it's natural and the other alternatives hurt like hell.

brazilian wax? the most painful thing i've ever encountered.

and don't even suggest shaving. you know the itchy feeling you get when you grow a beard? imagine that between your legs.

besides, it keeps us warm in the winter.



nasty. All girls that happen to read this thread, ignore this advice

Every time i walk my dog really late at night, and there is no wind, or traffic or any other sounds, i hear him shit and thats disgusting

My mother and I were out to dinner, sharing idle conversations. The conversation drifts towars the problem I've been having with my jaw lately. I think I have TMJ, and it tends to lock and pop every now and then.

My mother gets this weird look on her face, then covers her mouth as she tries not to laugh.

I just smirk, and say "Yeah, it's a great excuse to use from time to time."

My friend made the comment that no one likes a know-it-all.

Suddenly I realized why so many don't like God.

The other day, I was watching Saved By The Bell before work.

It was the episode that involved a Sock-Hop at the school, which featured the regular cast as a 50's style singing group.

It's at this point that my wife emerges from the nearby bathroom, curling iron in hand, to comment, "I think it's funny that there are like five episodes where they have bands or musical groups, but then there's the episode where they try to rig the choir contest by playing a tape cuz they all can't sing."

Blew my fucking mind.

When you see a little tiny pre-fab, or a trailer, with literally tons of Christmas decorations on the yard, in the trees, in the windows, on the roof, the mailbox, etc. you have to admire their dedication.

You also have to seriously wonder where they store it all. I have seen volumes of crap that I know would not fit in cubic space of the buildings on the property.

Do these people actually rent storage space?

Yesterday I shit with such fury that the force from my ass caused the toilet to flush on its own.

God damn I was proud...still am, actually.

Yet More Biker Joe

This is too easy. The guy is dead, and absolutely pure LowBrow.

"I Just Want To Fuck You One More Time",

by Biker Joe Warren:

Yes I know, before you go,

I'm gonna miss you,

A good piece of ass is hard to find.

Before you leave home, and go out on your own,

I just want to fuck you, one more time.

(Chorus): One more time, I'd like to stick my pecker in you,

Even if it's just a quickie, I don't mind.

...etc Next verse.

There is no need to cry 'cos you're leavin', you're mother and me, we ain't blind,

We both knew that someday, you would go your way, and I just want to fuck you one more time.

(chorus)

I am 25 years old. And I have no idea of responsibilty. But the only thing that keeps me going is that i am not like those roadie grunge fucks that will follow Phish or Widespread Panic to the ends of the earth selling grilled cheese for $1, and askig for free drugs.... my life could be worse. When will the bubonic plague hit these shows from these dirty "natural" motherfuckers?

This girl who was my best friend for the better part of a year stopped talking to me one day and now hates me. I never did anything to her. So I took the Sim family of us living together, and I built a tower in the back yard, and I locked her in it till she died.

There's nobody in the world I want a blowjob from more than Monica Lewinsky. It would be an honor and a privelege to stick my cock in the same warm, slutty ho(le) that the leader of the free world stuck his. Plus, this chick is a walking blow job.

Everybody was put on this planet to do something, and Lewinsky was put here to suck dick . So, I figure, she must be pretty good at it.

I've been having lots of sex dreams about Jon Stewart lately. Instead of talking dirty, we just talk about politics. "Oh YES, keep talking about Tom Delay and his impending indictments, that's right..."

I think most of America is missing the point of the Catholic Church's scandal.

The point is, the Catholic Church has always told us the truth, about this, and about life on this planet in general:

Sex with the young has always been good.

Before I woke up this morning I had a dream in which someone promised to wake up for me so I didn't have to.

"Oh, thanks. That's pretty nice of you."

So when the alarm started beeping, I shut it off. Then 5 minutes or so later I realized nobody was going to wake up and live my life for me, after all.

It was kind of a downer.

A friend of mine recently called to complain about being so hugely pregnant she can no longer masterbate comfortably. All I can think is, well if you had been doing more of that in the first place instead of being such a dumb tramp, you would not be in that predicament.

That and I am sure as fuck glad I can still masterbate.

At work I have one of those amazing, ergonomically correct Herman Miller chairs. All these bells and whistles that prevent my back from turning into the letter Q while I slave away at my computer for 14 hours a day.

The only thing I care about is that the seat is made of nylon webbing fabric that lets my farts pass through without holding onto a single scent molecule.

I love modern technology.

so i wanted to know if i was into chicks. it was an experimental phase for me. I met this chick online and we met at a cafe and then..you know..

so im sitting there naked smoking a cigarette and shes lying on the bed watching tv and i start laughing

i realize that i know her

she was my 6th grade english teacher

In elementary school I got hit in the eye with a skipping rope. I had to have an eyepatch for 2 weeks. A day after I got it off I ran into a stick (you know, the ones on trees) and had to get another eyepatch. Needless to say I was a pirate for halloween the year.

Once I told my friend that the wad of wasabi was actually guacamole so that I could watch the waitress try to run in a tight kimono.

She was only able to bring two glsases of water before she couldn't run anymore.

In the '70s, the father of this guy I used to know was in college. He slept with lots of chicks, & one of them gave him crabs. He tried everything to get rid of them but couldn't. One day, he tried spraying his crotch with Raid. The only thing that actually worked, go figure.

A word to the wise, however: judging from his kid, genital contact with Raid does some scary shit to your sperm.

Stopped at Wendy's for dinner on the way back to school. Standing in line saw a brown rat crawl over some cute little girls white shoes.

Abruptly left without making a scene. None of my business to alert my fellow patrons to the unsanitary conditions of their local eatery.

Went across the street to Taco Bell. 2 chalupas and a Coke. Tasted yummy. Hour later i'm back at the dorm with the worst diarreah i've ever had in my life.

Beware the cosmic karma of the fast food industry

Reading the News Journal yesterday and it went something like this:

'Delaware's Ruth Ann Minner and several state and nation officials declared wednesday that counterfeit merchandise like Kate Spade knockoff's and stolen or burned DVD's are being bought at an alarming rate. The proceeds of all of these sales from street vendors are going to the Al-Qaeda.'

The article went on to say that people should stop buying stolen or pirated merchandise and that buying american is the way to go. That's great. A reputable newspaper just lied about street vendor sales to boost american profit.

Have you ever noticed how every single American Pride shirt out there is either made in China or Malaysia?

My g/f introduced me to this Goth guy who looks kinda like the lead singer from The Misfits, only not so...um...well...attractive in any way. At all. He starts talking to her (they know each other), then she says "Have you met my boyfriend, >insert my name here

mandatory 10 second pause

After successfully averting the french fry I was eating from flying out of my nostril, I shook his hand (!) and proclaimed that it was good to meet him.

Apparantly, that's the name he's comfortable with, and I've seen him at work with a nametag that says "Hi, I'm BOOGER! How can I help you?"

My g/f dumped me for him.

So, she and I went out after being friends for three years. I took her to a fancy restaurant and we had drinks before dinner, and a bottle of wine with. She was so nice to look at. Oh man.

We took a walk to the river afterward, and sat on this rock under the railing where no one could see us. I pulled out a joint and we smoked and giggled and the sun set into the trees beyond. Talk about romance.

She turned to me at a quiet moment and stared with deeply stoned eyes. Then she said, 'I have to sh*t. I have to sh*t right now.'

I was stoned as I kept guard as she dropped trou, and squatted in the bushes below.

She asked me what leaves looked good to wipe with. I pointed out the rhubarb. She said it was too rough.

She sat back on the rock and I sat beside her. The sky was wonderful.

She began to throw up. Throw up for 2 hours, as I rubbed her back and stared at the sky.

I drove her home and then went to see my friends.

'Where's the girl?'

'I have seen the evil,' I replied, ;and he is me.'

I got more drunk.

She left for medical college, and I still don't know if there is anything between us.

I find myself actually repeating moments out loud to people - like it is going to help with my social standing.

"I read online today about a woman that watched some guy lick his own cum out of his belly button."

That is a real water cooler winner.

I remember once when I went to my girlfriends house to meet here family for the 1st time.

As I 1st walked in i was saying my hello's as a cute dog walked up. I said hello to the dog and reached my hand down to pet it.

As i reached down to pet the dog it snapped at me and drew blood so I kicked the hell out of it. Her parents never liked me.

Karmic Revenge:

Don't you just love it when the bastards and bitches from your elementary and middle school years turn out ugly, on smack, and/or pregnant?

Hey, they did it to themselves. I wasn't the one stuffing coke up their noses or pumping semen up their dirty ho vaginas with no protection--I was just the one who saw it coming.

my friend once told me to stop shooting heroin and to stop raping ferrets... needless to say hes not my friend anymore.

im late to work, again. i get out of the shower, get half dressed (cuz i hate putting on clothes when im still damp), and sit there in the living room, eating the pasta i had just heated up, in my underwear. my roommate is at her desk, doing her hw. i spill some pasta on my leg, and triumphantly state, "HA! if i was wearing pants, they'd be dirty right now! Take that pasta!"

she looks at me and says, "yea, but now you have to shower again."

i just give her a weird look,as in "heeelllls no, what were you thinking". she shrugs, and goes back to her homework, i go back to eating my pasta half naked.

she lets out a huge belch a few seconds later, and i applaud.

we're super classy.

I will not hesitate to fart in a crowded car with the windows up. Because I enjoy seeing how quickly the windows can be rolled down, and gasping heads hung out of them.

My bed is legs that put it 3 feet off the ground. I strung christmas lights under it and put down sleeping bags. I constructed an "apparatus" out of a gatorade bottle stuffed with dryer sheets. I light all kinds of scented candles and spray "Ozium" in my room all the time.

Just so I can smoke pot in my room and not get kicked out of college.

My chemistry teacher rolled his eyes.

YOU try not laughing at a reel-to-reel about lubricating stopcocks.

Reasons Your Current Marriage Should End #9

(not mine - my second wife's first marriage)

Her daughter, then four, goes with her dad to visit his mother.

She's at the stage where she has favourite clothes, and insists on wearing them all the time. Like her current favourite - a striped shirt that her mom can't get off of her long enough to wash it.

The daughter comes back from the trip with an enormous present for her mom, from her dad's mom.

A jumbo box of laundry detergent, with a cute little note: "My granddaughter looks like a dirty little tyke."

Into Thick Air

Hitchhiking around Scotland on my own, I joined up with a bunch of Americans toting their inevitable, unenviable 60lb backpacks.

We stayed at the Glen Nevis Youth Hostel, in the imposing shadow of Ben Nevis, the highest mountain in Britain.

4,409 feet doesn't seem like much of a mountain, but it shoots straight up to that height from sea level.

After 3 hours of climbing, with the air going thin and us already past the treeline and into the clouds, it certainly seemed like a mountain.

We were just starting to get impressed with our effort when we were suddenly overtaken by a guy in running shorts

An hour later, with us still two hours from the top, he passed us on his return trip.

Finally at the top, standing at the edge of a sheer, 2,000 foot cliff, we managed to forget about the runner and congratulate ourselves.

Is when a hand appeared over the top of the cliff, followed by a guy who sat down and anchored his rope for his three buddies to climb with.

They coiled their rope, packed up their equipment, and headed down the path, running.

What was left of our pride vanished when we next found the Ford T that somebody had driven up to the top in 1923...

a few years ago, in high school, i was once awarded my city's (Stockton, California) Citizen of the Month award.

i bet if the City Council were to find all my posts on here, they'd be very ashamed of their decision.

Fuck 'em, too late now!

Every single time I have an orgasm from anal sex/anal foreplay, it's a surprise to me.

Right before, I always mentally cringe, wondering why the fuck I am allowing this to happen.

And then I come, to my absolute and utter shock. (Despite the fact that I do almost every time.) I never expect it, even when I know it's gonna happen.

Anal sex is a wonderful but confusing thing to me.

I used to date a girl who ditched me after I spent hundreds of dollars on her because I wasn't "smooth".

Fuck that. I'm suave.

I proved that to my mom last night.

I was set to go out with this one girl, just a friend, and I was wearing khaki pants at the time, and my mother suggested I change my clothes cuz I wouldn't want popcorn grease stains on such nice pantalones.

I quickly explained to my mom that while at the drive-in movie theater, the girl and I would not be wearing any pants.

My mom soundly beat me a dozen times with a pillow.

I was having a party at my house, and we made many preparations. I had been looking forward to the party for weeks...it was going to be the best time ever. We were calling it Ganja Fest '04, Part 1. Needless to say, it was going to involve massive amounts of cannabis. Excitement abounded. The day came, people entered.

3 brownies and 2 joints later, I am at the point of no return. I finish a joint and try to put out the roach. In my ridiculously altered state, it proves difficult, and I only manage to get it out after repeatedly banging it against the side of my red plastic cup. This burned a hole in the cup. Everyone watching could not stop laughing. Confused, I left the room.

I returned 5 minutes later, completely honestly perplexed by the fact that there was a hole in my cup. My friends start laughing at me. I accuse them of doing it, and they tell me that it was my fault...they try to explain what happened. But I don't believe it, and I am very saddened by the idea that my friends would play such an evil trick on me, then refuse to tell me the truth about it. I get angrier and angrier at them, and they insist that it was not them.

Eventually I start crying. I go up to my room, lie face down on my bed, and cry myself to sleep, no more than 2 hours into the party.

My parents came home 26 hours earlier than they said they would. They smelled the smoke. I got in incredibly massive amounts of trouble.

And to think of how much I was looking forward to that night...

Been there…

I work graveyards. I emailed my mom (who lives in a different city) from work with the subject line saying: Mommy, my bum hurts.

I don't know what's worse though. The subject line or that my email was telling her how the doctor thinks I have hemmorhoids and gave me cream for the problem. She IS my mom and all, but did I really need to email her about my sore ass at 5:20 in the morning?

I wonder about myself sometimes. And yeah, my ass still hurts from sitting for about 12 hrs. at work today probably aggravating my problem

Totally wasn’t roids at all though, luckily never had them

So I think I'm the coolest guy in the parking lot after the bar closes and I sit down in a borrowed Mercedes with a coulpe of girls. I am delivering the car to the rightful owner Monday. I hear a tap on the window.

me "Did I do something Officer."

cop "Shut up and get out of the car."

cop "You sold drugs to those guys."

me "What!" "I don't think so!"

cop "We got a smart ass gentlemen."

click-click

Backseat of police cars are not comfortable.

Right out of a FUCKING movie I would'nt of believed it if my life dependend on it.

Never knew the guys the police were talking about.

Sat in a jail cell for ten hours thinking I had been arrested for drugs.

Photo and prints, I am then told I have been arrested for public intoxication.

I swear to GOD this is not exagerated or stretched. I had sold the car that day and wanted to be a bad ass driving it around. This was right out of a Fucking movie. Wrong place Wrong time.

$500.00 bond

$95.00 car impound

One night in JAIL

(PRICELESS)

Yesterday morning my girlfriend had sardines on toast for breakfast (evidently very English, so she says); later making love with herring on her breath I got totally confused as to which end was up.

Not an hour after the funeral for Joe's dad were Joe and I drinking cheap beer in his basement, discussing the merits of drinking and driving. Joe's dad was pretty cool.

The morning after we first slept together, she watched me dressing.

She: "Oh, you have your underpants on inside out."

Me: "Yeah, I prefer these ones that way -- the label has scratchy edges."

She: "Wouldn't it be easier to just remove the label?"

Me, laughing: "Obviously not!"

I used to tell an Ex girlfriend that was six feet tall, light skinned black and had freckles that her freckles were the result of a smaller back person trying to poke it's way out.

Man I loved that girl.

Last night I was layin in bed having phone-sex with this great guy. Everything was cool. Soon, I started breathing heavier. I guess I was gettin pretty loud. My roomate moved, so we stopped for a bit. I thought she fell asleep.

Next thing I know she gets up and walks out. She didn't come back. Now I know she was awake.

The funny part is, the next day I find out that she went upstairs to my best freinds room and got off with him.

I guess what I was sayin just sounded so good she had to get it too.

We had an above-ground pool. It was about 4' tall, so was i.

My older, if not wiser siblings, have taught me to dive in off of the aproximately 3" edge of the pool. If you have ever seen one you know they are damn shifty....

So in I go... or thought, I was going, when my body decided to fling itself the entirely opposite direction, and go hurtling towards the concrete slab that, in all my parents genius, had about 1'5" from the pool.

I don't know that I learned my lesson, but, I did break my arm.

My roommate comes home the other night all freaked out because she saw some guy jerking off in the bushes as she walked past.

All I could think was, why does she get to see all the penises?

I was told to come here, and tell my story from this morning, so here goes:

This morning, when I was boarding the train to go to work, there was a man who was completely covered in feces. He seemed pretty unaware of his condition, and people were less than pleased. He was barred from one subway car, but was successful in making it into the car I was in. I noticed a weird smell, and then everyone in the subway car shifted to the other end...and it was pretty crowded. I was pretty amazed at his presence...it was horrible, but kind of winning in a morbid way. He was only on for one stop, so the pain was short lived. Luckily there was a man who was outraged, and suggested that this man be put to sleep...surprisingly, a lot of people agreed. It was a special moment in life.

Jeffery Small

I buy lunch every day at work from the deli across the street. They always put too many napkins in the bag, so I collect them in my desk drawer. I just noticed today that they've changed their napkins, and that the new ones are a lot scratchier.

I only noticed because I beat at work off three days in a row this week, twice with the old napkins, once with the new.

I need to find a new deli.

I didn't have any Salt & Vinegar chips and I was really stoned. Plain potato chips dipped in vinegar don't quite taste as good...

We're up in the mountains my brother and me. High up enough, we thought, to get away from the scummy city types.

We round a bend to a little fishing hole on a stream that he knows, and what do we see? About twenty or thirty people of various ethnicity, most of them kids, bathing in the pristine mountain stream.

Cursing under his breath my brother finds a different spot upstream where we procede to spend some time fishing and swimming in a couple of smaller pools in relative solitude.

Then I have to take a shit.

Having no paper, and no facilities, I find a little faster flow of stream between some high rocks and drop my load.

Side note: if you ever get a chance to shit in a gently flowing mountain stream I recommend it. Natures bidet.

With nothing to break it up my turd is around 14 inches long, and yes, its a floater.

As we drive back down past the bathing masses later we can't help but laugh histerically about who found the 'brown trout' that day.

last night i stole an empty keg from behind a pub. i got really badly bruised carrying it home since i kept falling over (coz i was drunk of course). we are going to make it into one of those cool steel drums like they have in the caribeean.

Random graffiti written in LARGE red letters on the wall of an unused office in the Huge Warehouse O' Computers I nightly monitor:

"CHEETO IS A TWINK -- LOVE, CHRIS"

i dont wash my clothes anymore. i just spray febreeze on them and throw them in the dryer. there is just something thrilling about wearing dirty clothes when everyone thinks they are clean. what a rush. after rereading this, i have come to the conclusion that i need a life...or a girlfriend. maybe a combination of both.

My hands wouldn't respond to my brain SCREAMING at then to move. they just stayed there clamped to the front of her sweater. I just want to hold on to her expression..it wasn't so much the tits

My dog has Lyme's disease coupled with herniated discs from falling off her doghouse. She's now heavily medicated. She was having a fit and my dad tried to comfort her and she bit him in the face.

My poor dad. He has two healing fingertips from cutting them off with a tablesaw, I've seen him get electricuted, he's had three knee operations on one knee and two on the other, he's had neck surgery once, and back surgery seven times, and broken his ankle. Now he's bleeding below his eye and ear as he watches TV and bitterly drinks a beer.