Ring! Ring!
 

Hello,

This is the answering machine from T.U.B.
I'm not here at the moment, but you can leave a message after the beep.

*BEEP*

Hello T.U.B.

I got into this relaxed habit of living in spite of very real tendencies in my nature towards discipline. I've never been in love with self-indulgence. That philosophy of the loose lip and the lax paunch is one for which I've always had an instinctive distrust. I like bare things, stripped things, plain, austere and continent things, fine lines and cold colours. But in these plethoric times when there is too much coarse stuff for everybody and the struggle for life takes the form of competitive advertisement and the effort to fill your neighbour's eye, when there is no urgent demand either for personal courage, sound nerves or stark beauty, we find ourselves by accident. Always before these times the bulk of the people did not over-eat themselves, because they couldn't, whether they wanted to do so or not, and all but a very few were kept "fit" by unavoidable exercise and personal danger. Now, if only he pitch his standard low enough and keep free from pride, almost any one can achieve a sort of excess. You can go through contemporary life fudging and evading, indulging and slacking, never really hungry nor frightened nor passionately stirred, your highest moment a mere sentimental orgasm, and your first real contact with primary and elemental necessities, the sweat of your death-bed.

yes hello T.U.B this is your mother calling give me a call when you get back from lamaze class

ohhh im so excited for you

see ya soon hunny

<center>*click*</center>

Hi T.U.B.:

Listen BEEOTCH, I KNOW you're monitering your calls. You got to come outside sometime. You owe me MONEY, and I'm going to take it out of your ass if you EVER leave that stinking dive you call a home. You've been warned. I ain't kidding. I'm dead serious.
I know things. Stay alert. Pack some heat. Stay in crowds.

YAAAAAAAAA!!!! I WANNA GO TO HAWAII YAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!! WANNA GO TO HAWAII!?
I WANNA GO TO HAWAII!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAA!

(sorry. i fuckin love special ed from crank yankers)

Hello and welcome to Movie Phone. Please enter your zip code...

Hey! What's up TUB?! I'm sooo glad that you came to that Gladiator party last night. It wouldn't of been the same without you. Mr. Al said he had to have his pool boy runout and stock up on some more anal lube in the middle of the event. What a GREAT party, huh?! :)

Mr. T.U.B, this is Akmed.
Look, I really need those camels back. Call me.

Hello T.U.B this is your grandmother and I... hello T.U.B. I can't hear you honey. Are you still there sweety.....? Speak up, I can't hear you dear..... Are you there T.U.B. ....? Hello....? Hello....? Is this one of those machines...? Hello T.U.B. honey.....?

*aside to someone else in the room: I don't know, I think it's one of those danged machines.

Hello T.U.B. .....

Hey T.U.B. just wanted to....uhhh..hold on a sec..

*WOULD YOU SHUT THAT TV OFF I'M ON THE PHONE AND I CAN'T HERE MYSELF THINK*

sorry TUB, kids these days seem to be deaf. Can't listen to the TV at a normal lev..

*HEY! WHERE ARE YOU GOING? NO, you can't take the car, come back..SH#T...*

{phone drops to the floor}

(in a radio announcer voice) hello lucky listener, please pick up the phone we have some great news for you.

this is bob from the bob and neal show. we drew your name as the grand prize winner for our all expense paid trip to amsterdam....

are you there? pick up and win.

are you going to pick up?

neal, i don't think he's there, what do we do?
really?
draw another name and call them?
i don't think that's right. this is the winner.
but i want to wait for this listener.
hey, neal, what are you doing? don't touch tha *click*

Hello...this is Dr. Professional. Um, we got your test results back today and, it doesn't look good...

You kick my dog?

Call your mom

T.U.B. this is your neighbor...you know how my springer spaniel has been pregnant, right? Well she had her puppies...and...well, I don't know how to say this, but the puppies have human faces that kind of look like yours...so, uh, you know, uh...okay...why did you fuck my dog?

Hey T.U.B, my toaster is broken.

look pal....i'm gonna be calm about this for now and let you know nicely that i'm not too impressed with you takin' my damn paper every other day.i just wanna read tha freakin' sports page and some prick keeps takin' my paper.so....what i suggest is that you might wanna stop takin' it cuz, uhhhmmmm......i own a GUN

Hey!! I was just talking to Flyman about you stealing his paper, when you're done with those give them to me, I need something for the puppies you sired, sicko.

Mr. T.U.B. this is Dr. Levine at the health department. You have been named as having come into contact with several venereal diseases as well as Hepatitus C, SARS, and the flesh eating heebie jeebies. Please call us back so we can set up an appointment to have you boiled in bleach. Thank you, and have a pleasant day.

it's me man...the stuff came in so meet me at the bridge. this time it's gonna cost you $400.

T.U.B., it's your father. Your sister told me about some "things" you attempted while she was staying at your place for the weekend. All I want to say is you're a sick fuck and I want you out of the family. Your mother has been crying all day. Please don't call back. *click*

Mr. T.U.B. this is Bubba Rubb and LiL Sis. You got woo woo? Da flowmaster? You know what I be talkin bout. drop a rizzle on my pizzle aaaaaight.

Yeah hey T.U.B. It's Michael Jackson I really need to get those videos back.

Heeeeeey, T.U.B.S!!! I just looost my Jengajams.

Thaaaank yooooooooou.

Hello Mr. T.U.B. this is Lyle McNeil from the Junior Outreach Seminar Program. I was just calling to see if you had Jesus in your life and would like to come and join us for an evening of praise and worship. There will be plenty of others just like yourself attending for the first time so do not feel afraid to come and join us. We will be meeting this saturday evening under the tent in the K-Mart parking lot. I hope to see you there. Praise Jesus.

Yes, Mr. T.U.B.?

This is Wallace from the Health Department. We've received complaints from your neighbors about the number of animals living at your home. You do understand, of course, that keeping hundreds of cats is <i>not</i> an appropriate way to deal with a weasel infestation?

We'll have a hazmat team at your house in the next three minutes. I do hope you have somewhere you can stay for the next six to eight weeks while they do their work.

Thank you for your time, sir. Good day.

Yo....Shaniqua.
I love you....call me.

Hey tub. I hate talking to these machines, I always feel so stupid. uhhhh anyways I'll talk to ya later.

Hi, it's me again. I guess you're stillnot home , Uhhhhh i'll try again later.

Uhhhh, never mind man. Oh yeah it's me mango again.

thank you for calling, you can find me under the second rock at your right.

hey T.U.B. Are you around? Well I haven't heard from you for a couple days, and I hope I didn't hurt you too bad the other night. I just kind of get into spanking and well... it just kind of got kinkier from there. Hope you're not too weirded out, If you give me a call i have some stuff for that rope burn (sorry about that too)....

Hey ughhhh Tub is it? well I'm calling back because your number showed up on my caller id and I have no idea who you are and since your not there I still don't.

My name is not important. You have the item. Is the item safe?
We'll contact you again soon.

Hello Mr. T.U.B, someone gave me your name and they are looking for something back, please give it back to them and everything will be fine, thank you
oh yeah please dont make me call back again.

hi, you don't know me, but I stole your car last night, and I just thought that y'know if you wanted it back, its at the impound yard. I uh, well I didn't quite pass my driver's exam.

Someone called me with a similar story a while ago. They told me that my number was on their long distance bill, and they were calling me to figure out who I was.

I told them I'd talk to them again next month.