The twisted wish game
 

Grant the wish of the poster above you but twist it in such a way that they'll wish they never wished for it. Then ask for a wish yourself.

For example:
Me: I wish for a billion dollars.
Next poster: Granted. A billion dollars is wired to your bank account. The FBI and the local police will be at your door shortly for stealing from the government.

I'll start with an easy one.
I wish for the total devotion and love of an incredibly beautiful woman.

You will find the most wonderful and loving girl in the entire world. Words could not describe how beautiful she is. When you get back from the best night of your life, you start to fool around. You quickly realize that she has a penis. That is bigger than yours.

*****

I wish I had the power to generate fire from my palms.

Granted. Upon your first try, you generate a fire the size of a small city, incinerating everyone. The backlash and lack of oxygen from the massive fireball kill you as well.

I wish for a super intelligent, super tough car that talks to me and has all sorts of neat gizmos like Knight Rider.

Granted, it then downloads itself into the internet and skynet is born.

I wish for immortality.

Granted. You are put into a stasis field for eternity, unable to move or even think.

I wish to be stunningly good looking, like best ever.

Granted, All cameras and painters want to immortalize you. After your a huge success, we eat you to absorb your magical qualities. But don't worry, many mothers with sterile husbands will clone and give birth to you and we'll have little Zeraphs running all around the globe.

I wish to be the most powerful man in the world.

Granted. You are transported back in time 150 million years where you are the only man in the world, and therefor also the most powerful. A T-Rex is eying you.

I wish more people would play this game.

Granted, There is now 1 more person playing the game. Unfortunately, It's me.

I wish I could read faster.

Granted, and now you can't stop yourself so you read your moms diary when she was fifteen and you grandma's and discover Jenniffer Lopez is really a dude after whacking it to her countless of times. This information drives you nuts and you shoot yourself!!

I wish I was irresistible to all women of the human race!

Granted. Unfortunately there's a lot of women in the human race, and this includes a small percentage of female serial killers. You bask in glory for about a month before youre spotted by said female and murdered, skinned, and worn as a coat.

I wish I had a completely self-sufficient body...like no need to eat or stay warm.

Granted, Your body is now a self substaining shell. Your instinctual behavior begins to fade and you are no longer motivated to do anything. You don't need companionship, you don't need sex. As you no longer need your limbs to help you gather food so they rott and fall off. You soon begin to look like Chet from Weird Science.

http://i90.photobucket.com/albums/k2...enton/blob.jpg

I wish I had a game to play.

Granted. You are transported into a prison cell where "Bubba" plays hide the weasel with you.

I wish I could fly.

Granted, now come over here and let me stick this nozzle up your ass and fill you up with jet fuel. Don't worry, I've done it a million times. Never on the same person twice though, weird..


I wish I had spaghetti for hair.

Granted. Though hair is partially defined as something that you grow, even though it comes out dead. Your body therefore is turned into a starch based life form that can grow spaghetti as hair. You grow about a micrometer's worth before some stray dog comes along and eats you.

I wish I could read minds.

Granted! Now you know all the dirty disturbing things I think about constantly.

I wish my name was Percy Wallace...

Granted, Percy Wallace is a high risk sex offender wanted in 32 states with ties to Al Queda. I'm sure nobody will confuse you with him.

I wish to be worshipped as a god.

edit: oops, a day late and a dollar short

Magic poof!!! you are now a little cute boy named Percy Wallace with a funny paper hat, as shown in this photo of you on your facebook page: Percy Wallace | Facebook

I'd like to be the greatest racecar driver of all time...


OK Reese, you are the God of Hellfire, and you bring us fire! Fortunately, my nephew is a very good fireman.


Now I'd still like to be the greatest racecar driver of all time...

As you wish. You are now Dale Earnhardt. I've done you another favor since Dale Earnhardt was dead I've returned you to life. I forgot to remove you from the pine box you're buried in though. Sorry.

I wish I had a pet spider monkey.

Don't you just love posting at the same time?

stupid god...you can't ask for the same wish twice!

OK, I wish I was a beaver so I can get out of this pine box.

Granted. You chew through the wood and the 6 feet of dirt collapses on you and you suffocate...as a beaver mind you.

I wish I had super strength.

Granted, first it begins with you crushing your wang during a vigorous fit of masturbation, then you kill your mom when hugging her then one day you step on th brakes too hard and they give out, instantly backfiring and landing you iin an accident that kills you.

I wish I could make any one do anything I want, kinda like mind control.

Granted...you're tied to a chair for the rest of your life and you have to watch others do all the things you would want to do.

I wish I could play the guitar as well as Frank Zappa played it.

Your fingers are flying, but you've gone deaf. Sorry, old man. ;)

I wish I could kick ass like Uma in Kill Bill. Just for an hour or two.

Granted. Now you have huge feet like Uma. You trip on them and impale yourself with your samurai sword...

I wish I could swim.

Granted, but you also never watched Jaws the movie ... it was based on a true story.

I wish I could find a genie in a bottle.

Granted, except your dick is now stuck in the bottle after you tried to fuck the genie while she was asleep.

I wish I had a giant robot suit to blow shit up in.

Well you must have eaten some questionable sushi and totally filled up your brand new giant robot suit with shit...it's not washable, dry clean only.

I wish I could remember what I really want.

Granted, you remember. It's sex with Dustin Diamond!

I wish could go back in time 1 year.

Granted, but instead of going back 1 year, you actually 1000 years and end up upon the spearpoint of a roving band of tribesmen who think you are a devil that speaks in tongues.

I wish I could unlock every part of my brain.

Granted, now you know that sex really actually hurts instead of feeling good.

I wish I knew everything.

Granted, now you know what every girl thinks about you. It's not good.

I wish I transport myself across the 'net.

Granted, but you end up at 12chan.

I wish I could play guitar.

Granted, but it must have been an electric guitar because as it gently weeped you got electrocuted.

I wish I was Leonardo da Vinci.

Granted. You take his place and become him....unfortunately you are now buried alive.

I wish I could shapeshift.

Granted, as a bird, you are trapped in a cage, the person forgets to lock it so you escape but when you try again this time as Alyssa Milano you almost get raped by some psycho stalker, you get away then as you turn back into yourself and go home, your real stalker catches up with you and kills the both of you in a "Love" ceremony! Should have stayed the bird!

I wish I was the greatest novelist of all time!

Granted! There was a tie for greatest novelist so I took body parts from Jane Austen, Leo Tolstoy, Mark Twain, Charles Dickens and many others and I created an abomination. I can't wait to read your next novel.

I wish I could be happy with whatever I have.

You're happy. Better not hit the "snooze" button again.

I wish I had a riding mower.

Granted. Unfortunately you didn't specify *where* you had it, it appears above you, falls on your head and breaks your back. You are now too paralyzed to use it.

I wish I had extra limbs, like two more arms and a prehensile tail.

Granted. Please don't leave your house, you see, we still believe in lynching and burning or drowning witches.

I wish I would be the first one to discover faster than light traveling.

Granted...but as you travel faster than the speed of light, you ...in effect... travel into the future relative to the rest of us, and there is no way to go back into the past. So no one will ever know you discovered it. When you get to the future, you meet up with thousands of others who also discovered the same thing.

I wish I followed my instincts more than I have so far.

Granted, you begin having a honed sense in things and you start becoming successful. In fact, you become so good at this you actually feel the right lottery ticket number and become rich beyond your wildest dreams. After a couple of weeks of basking in your glory you sense the end is near. You refuse to believe this and after falling in love with the right woman, you die of a heart attack.

Anna Nichole Smith will miss you very much.

I wish I was the most creative person in the world.

Granted. Everyone else dies leaving you alone and therefore the most creative person in the world.

I wish I had a band and an awesome record deal/contract.

granted; you make millions only to squander it on crack and die alone sprawled on a hotel loo seat while the negative lyrics that you spawned wreck havoc on an entire generation of angsty teens who seek to mimic your demise

i wish i was less impulsive

Granted. Between the moments of the wish forming you suddenly realize you will miss out on opportunities of a lifetime; your true love flashes by never to be seen again, your perfect job is gone, ghostly faces of unborn children haunt your dreams. In the end you die lonely and in squalor.

I wish I had laser beam eyes.

Granted, you become, in fact so anal that you over analyze everything. You come to the conclusiopn that human beings are evil hence they should be exterminated. The cops catch up to you after you build a micro fuser in your shed and you were looking for yellowcake uranium to create a bomb. How you enjoy your stay in the madhouse.

Damn it Zeraph!!

OK, laser beam eyes. Granted. But now you can only see in red and you need to wear ultra UV repellent sun glasses because if you don't you will scorch whatever is in your sight. One day you look at very shiny metal and it reflects back at you and you kill a small city and die in the collapse of the buildings!!

I wish I was very good at sex.

granted, anyone you sleep with has all the blood rush to their genitals and suffers braindamage
the guilt stops you from actually having sex ever again

i wish i could fly

Gotta be faster than...a god Xeyxys! To catch this speedy devil.

Granted. You become so good at sex that you have one lover after another. They line the streets to see you. You get caught up in all the pretty women and catch multiple STDs. You die from complications of the penis.

EDIT: Damnit! Guess I'm not faster, aphrodisiac. Love apparently trumps devils and gods in speed.

Granted. You can now fly. Unfortunately you can not land. You escape earths atmosphere and choke to death in the vacuum of space.

Hey, I wish I was faster than a god.

granted...but as you are proving you are faster than a speeding bullet, you stop to see how far back it is and it slams into you and you die

I wish I was really good at basketball

Granted. You are put into AIDs ridden body of Magic Johnson.

I wish I had minions.

Granted. But you have to provide health and dental insurance for them all.

I wish I was omnipotent.

Granted: Your brain can't handle it for more than a nanosecond though and your mind goes insane leaving you a drooling bag of flesh.

I wish I could spawn more of me with each drop of my blood.

Granted. But each new version of you is the size of an ant, so despite their proliferation, the colonies of your tiny clones are constantly being sprayed with insecticide or otherwise ignored...

I wish I had a starship like the USS Enterprise to visit other parts of the solar system and the Milky Way

Granted, you visit this one planet full of amazonian like women with very few males for mating and have the best sex of your life. When you discover that they kill their male hosts after a number of times you escape barely and go to another planet. The other planet you save from doom from a monster that was terrorizing them. Nothing wrong there ...:thumbsup: You continue on your escapades and one day you crash land on a similar planet to the amazonian women only this time, it's men. The men, in nature, are laid back, Have fun, your entire ship is damaged into splinters and charred metal and because of the profane acts committed by the immensely homosexual men in that planet it was erased from the galactic archives.

The giant man called Borla called dibs on you BTW.

I wish I could turn anything into anything, even temporarily.

I get two wishes then ...

I wish I could cause an orgy like that woman in true blood.

Someone grant them and let's see what happens.

How does the woman in True Blood cause orgies? Doesn't matter, Granted, everyone gets naked and as you touch one of the women she turns into giant bulldozer and crushes everyone.


I wish I had the ability to prevent crimes before they happened.

Poof. You are now bullet proof glass in a seedy liquor store.

I wish I had a nice scooter.

Granted, You have a brand new dog! He's got worms so he scoots his ass across your brand new carpet all day. He's a scooter!


I wish could reach into my pocket and always be able to pull out enough cash to cover whatever I want to purchase.

Granted. You live a comfortable life. Get a big house, furnish it. One day you meet this incredible lady at a bar. The both of you hit it off. While you are buying her drinks it appears she is a very good listener. One thing leads to another and you wind up at a hotel room and have the most amazing night of your life. She then asks you to pay up. You are outraged an refuse then she calls her pimp and once again your little talent pulls you out of a tight spot. Too bad money can't buy common sense cause you never wrapped up in the course of the night.

Enjoy your herpes, you will need to fill up prescriptions for the rest of your life.

I wish I had the orgasminator! A gun I point at you and shoot then you get an orgasm!!

Granted. You have a lot of fun taking this gun into malls and out on crowded city streets, watching with wicked delight as women try to hide their squirming and stifle their crys of sudden joy and men try to hide the huge boners and wet spots in their khaki pants. One day, you try it on a woman walking her dog. You miss the woman and hit the dog, which causes the dog to attack you and hump you in a heated frenzy. Trying to fend off the dog, you accidently shoot yourself with the gun at it's highest "most explosive orgasm" setting. The dog attacks your spasmodically jerking hips and rips away your cock, emasculating you for life. You are never again capable of orgasm yourself.

I wish I could change into any person I choose to be for 24 hours....

Granted. Within a year of using this ability though the secret society of real life witchunters tracks you down and kills you for being a doppleganger.

I wish I could hypnotize people with my eyes.

Granted, but before you could get a handle on using your abilities, you get killed by the local walmart greeter (was foolish enough to look you in the eyes) who you hypnotized into Bruce Lee.

I wish I had a point of view gun. You know, the one that was invented in the year 4567 by tired housewives association who were fed up with ending an argument with "YOU JUST DON'T GET IT, DO YA!!"

Granted. Through one of the Heart of Gold's uses of the Infinite Improbability Drive you appear next to the gun, unfortunately due to the drive's side effects you're turned into a tomato and have not the appendages to use it.

I wish I had a super advanced computer in my head that I could use to serf the net (ok porn) and play video games during boring conversations and such.