Favorite Puns
 

These are groan-worthy but I love them. Anyone got any more?

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The flight attendant looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it immediately sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh Mac Taggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent Florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally:
10. There was the person who posted ten different puns on a forum with the hope that at least one of the puns would make someone laugh. No pun in ten did.

very punny indeed
 

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

2. I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

4. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

5. He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

6. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

7. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

8. There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.

9. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

10. Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.

It's funny, because... well, one time recently I was saw a woman breastfeed her baby in public. That doesn't really bother me, but I know some people are put off by it, so I turned to the person I was with and said, "That woman is really milking our sympathy."

There are actually a total of nine jokes I could have made at the time, but I lactate.

Quasimoto was leaving the cathedral on an extended holiday and a replacement was needed. A man with no arms applied for the job.
"How can you, with no arms, ring the cathedral bell?" asked the Monsignor.
"Easy", replied the man and he ran toward the bell and hit it with his face. Monsignor was impressed and hired him.
Only two days into the job, whilst running at full speed to ring the bell at noon, the armless man slipped and fell to his death in the courtyard below.
A crowd began to gather. "Anyone know who this fellow is?", called the constable. In reply, a voice from the crowd called out, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell".

Two cows were having a chat.
Bessie: I've been artificially inseminated and will be having my calf in the spring.
Sassie: Artificially Inseminated? What's that?
Bessie: That's where the farmer takes semen and injects it into me and I get pregnant from that.
Sassie: Are you serious??
Bessie: Yep. No Bull....


exit, stage left.....

People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

Life depends on the liver.

“Beats me why anyone would want to be a masochist.”

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined.

Did you hear about the vet that had to prescribe Viagra to the alligator? It had reptile dysfunction.

What's a cow's favorite thing to do on a Saturday afternoon?

Go to the moo-vies.

"...and then you killed him in a rit of fealous jage!"

So now the monsignor has to find another replacement bell ringer....
A second man with no arms applies and monsignor notices his resemblance to the deceased.
"He was my twin, Sir, and I'd like to take his place."
Monsignor agrees and hires him.
Sadly, just one week into the job, the same fate befalls the new bellringer.
As he lay in the courtyard below, the constable again asks if anyone knows the man.
Someone answers,"I am not sure of his name, but he's a dead ringer for the other guy".....





/me runs

Nuns at a White Sox Game. Hoping to catch Pennance Fever....

Thought you tied your shoes right, eh?
Frayed knot.

That seriously made me laugh at loud while alone in my apartment :paranoid:

Discourse goes nowhere.

1. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

2. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

3. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.

The next week, another armless man walked into the church. He looks exactly like the previous replacement for Quasimoto. He explains that after hearing about his brother's recent death, he felt duty bound to finish the job his brother started. He is hired, but two days into the job met the same fate as his twin.

As a crowd gathered, someone again asked, "Anyone know who this is?"

An answer came, "No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

A local Provider of cylinder gasses here in Town has a long-standing tradition of
posting puns on their marquee sign.....

The current one is "Chickens crossing the road is Poultry In Motion":lol:

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from an art museum.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet, to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

Sign in front of the Wizard's Guild: No Parking, Violators will be Toad.

Saw a car shop the other day: Duke of Oil

Earl of Crankcase
Sir Osis of Liver
Sir Loin of Beef

And on a boat that plied the lakes in michigan....

Sea-rosis of the River.

Best of the 70's

(had to say that)

The decadence flies by.

I felt that!

A man in a panic tells his therapist "I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam!"
The therapist says, "Relax, man. You're two tents."

Man runs in to Dr.'s office, "Doctor! Doctor! There's a fish growing in my chest."

Dr. says, "Have you been smoking crack again?"

Man looks stunned and say, "No... but I've been drinking absinthe lately and..."

Dr. jumps up and shouts, "ah-ha! ... don't you know that absinthe makes the heart grow flounder?"

(Previous poster's alias.)

What's the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano but you can't tune-a fish! (DBZ shout out.)

What kind of bees give milk? Boo-bees.

Bob gives Clark an apple. He spits his bite out and says, "This is terrible! What is it?" Bob replies, "I thought you liked them. It's an apple infused with tin." (Chemistry teacher joke, check your periodic table. I'm sorry for that one... and all of them.)

A man is sitting alone at the bar and keeps hearing strange voices. "Great shirt buddy. Really like that tie. Have you been working out?" Fearing for his sanity, he finally asks the bartender, "Do you hear those voices?" "Oh sure, it's just the peanuts. They're complimentary."

A woman is walking down the street when she realizes she's being chased by a coffin. *Thump Thump Thump* Terrified, she breaks into a full sprint and runs to her house. As she closes the door behind her she sees the coffin still coming. *Thump Thump Thump* She locks the door and runs upstairs. As she locks the bathroom door she hears the coffin break into the house. *Thump Thump Thump* She frantically looks for something to use to defend herself. Finding nothing under the sink, she checks the medicine cabinet. The coffin breaks in the bathroom door. *Thump Thump Thump* Panicking, she starts throwing everything she can find at it. Q-tips, *Thump Thump Thump*, pills *Thump Thump Thump*, cough drops, ...and the coffin stopped.