Am I good enough
 

I should probably put this in the sexuality forum, but my b/f reads that forum like its God :) and I wanted to get girl opinions.

When my b/f and I first started dating about a year ago he had mentioned that my body was not what he was attracted to. You see I am 5'5 160lbs and 34DDD's. He prefers very petite (in all areas) girls.

At the same time, my b/f is a complete sexaholic. So in essence, he is constantly masturbating and looking at porn.

Our sex life is good when we are having sex, and just yesterday I actually had an orgasm off of his dick only (that was a first for me). However, I can't help but feel that I'm not always good enough for him. I have to admit that I am sometimes jealous of the porn he looks at especially when he looks at it in front of me. There are times when I feel that he would rather look at other girls then at me. I also can't help but feel like I have to compete with them for some strange reason.

Does anyone have advice on this subject by any chance? Please don't just say to break up and find someone I'm comfortable with. I've been dating my b/f for a year next month.

You're from Edinburg? I'm originally from Mission! How about that? RGV baby!

Anyway, you saying you don't feel good enough is an issue you have within yourself. Only you are going to be able to change this (although I'm sure your b/f can help). When he said he wasn't normally attracted to your body, did he just happen to mention it, or did he say it in a mean way? Obviously if he's been with you for a year, there's something there. If you don't feel very good about yourself, then you tend to think that everyone else around you feels the same way. You should do some searches on here about porn. There's been a few threads about ladies trying to deal with their porn lovin' SOs.

Every woman my SO has ever admired in front of me is totally different looking than I am.It can really get to you after awhile,makes you wonder if they've just settled for you.

Statements like that make my blood boil, when I hear boys make them (And pardon me while I take my bra off and burn it and become one of those hated feminists.) No MAN would ever EVER disrespect a woman he is supposed to care about by saying that.

OK. now that that is out of my sytem...

The only opinion that should matter to you is what you think... If you are satisfied with what you look like then that should be good enough... for him... for anyone...

There's a song that just came up on my playlist -- seems to be appropriate...

Sing that to yourself every day...

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Now, there's nothing wrong with a man looking at porn, but if that's all he's doing, and he's picking the porn over you, which you haven't said... but you are implying you are not always his first choice, he's got a problem.

Addiction to sex, is joked about a lot, but it is an addiction, and pornography being so readily available makes it tough for a person to give up.

Do you look at porn with him? Adding it in to your sex life? Have you suggested it? What's he said when you talked to him about how you are feeling. (You don't want to break up with him because you've been with him a year, you surely better be able to talk to him about how you are feeling. :D

My boyfriend has repeatedly mentioned that he finds light-haired women more attractive than dark-haired ones as a rule. I have darker hair, so I can relate to your concerns. But your boyfriend is with you for a reason, right? If he didn't find you attractive he'd go find someone else. I know it can be hard, but I think you really need to accept that he thinks you're sexy and beautiful (I'm assuming that your sex life is working okay) and that even if he didn't think so, you still are those things. It sounds like you need to let him know how you're feeling about it and hopefully the two of you can work out a compromise. He probably will never give up the porn so don't expect that, but perhaps he can do it in a way that hurts your feelings a little less.

i agree with squisher..theres a reason he loves you and is with you...i dont buy teh whole "type" thing i think that a person can find anyone of any type attractive ..in porn you can have a type..in real life the person plays a big role in what "type" a guy likes

I find that when I'm feeling insecure it helps me a lot to get some excercise, dress nicely, etc. and just do what I can to be the most attractive version of myself that I am capable of (within reason). I'm sure you already know this. :) But the thing is, then if you are looking your best, you know there's nothing wrong with you, and that you have done your part. If he isn't interested then you at least can know it's not because there's anything wrong with you.

If he's just randomly viewing porn in front of you( not watching as a couple) and commenting on the women and it bothers you speak up! It seems to be rather disrepectful imho.

no one can "make" you feel inadaquate- this is something that gets churned around in your head until you feel a certian way. if you are confident in yourself and how you look, then it doesn't matter what anyone says- it's not going to affect you. however, if you have doubts about your appearance, it's easy to take a very small comment and twist it around in your head until it's a big ugly monster staring you in the face every time you look in the mirror.

my first question would be, as previously stated, in what context was this " had mentioned that my body was not what he was attracted to" said? was this during a discussion about what you find attractive? or was this during the heat of an argument? also, WHAT DID HE SAY EXACTLY? i've found that what guys actually say and the meanings us women interepret are usually two different things. sit down with him, and tell him that this has been buggin you. say "hey, at one time you said something that i interpreted as you saying you didn't find my non-petite body attractive, and it's been bugging me ever since." if you've been together for a year, you should feel comfortable enough with each other to talk about things like this. if he really loves you, he's gonna be concerned how what he says and does affects you.

also, when you say he's a "sexaholic" what do you mean? does he just like sex a lot and masturbate every day, or is he really and truly obsessed with sex in all forms? if he's anything like my SO, i'd bet he's closer to the first than the second. young guys are really really really horny A LOT and in order for them to mentally function properly they do like to masturbate and have sex in order to let off steam. and let's face it, porn is full of skinny women with HUGE fake boobs. that's the way it is. porn chicks are small, mostly, so don't be so quick to assume that just because he's looking at it that's what he wants definitely. talk to him about his attitude towards porn- chances are, he gets aroused by it but isn't actually wishing he was WITH those girls. (i mean WITH in the same sense you're with him- mentally and physically). girls think that when guys look at porn they want the girls in the porn over thieir own girlfriends/wives but often that isn't the case. when you look at porn, are you getting aroused at what's going on, or are you going "gee, if i was with that porn star it'd be so much better, he's so hot, blah blah blah"?

i'd focus on what makes YOU feel sexy. if you feel that your body isn't what you'd like it to be, change it! you SHOULD NOT feel like you have to conform to a model of beauty that is unrealistic for you. Like, it'd probably be impossible for you to be 5'11" and a size 0. make yourself feel sexy! get some cute clothes, throw out everything that you don't look fabulous in, eat healthy, exercise (not only shapes up your body but is GREAT for making you feel good about yourself), masturbate! babe, you have 34DDD BREASTS! i mean, my god, if your BF doesn't want em bring em my way! you've got some boobs, and some curves, and that's what most men really want, least all the ones that are worth a damn. the stupid standard of beauty that has come about because of people like Pam Anderson and all those Maxim models is unrealistic anyway. don't try and be someone else- be yourself!

i know exactly how you feel tho- i'm 5'11" 220lbs 36D and definintely DON'T look like Jenna Jameson. but even tho my SO looks at porn, i know that it's me he wants at the end of the day. you have to realize, that your man is WITH YOU, not some skinny aneroxic bitch, and that YOU are more than the size of your jeans! sit down, talk with him, figure out where your insecurities lie, and deal with them in a mature manner! you are beautiful just the way you are!

:thumbsup:

Sage, if we were "beautiful just the way we are" we'd be getting flooded with offers to make porn films wouldn't we ?

Porn chicks are petite,young and have large boobs because that's what the paying customers (men) want.I don't think it's silly of women to worry that their men aren't satisfied with their appearance.

I obviously want somebody to love me for reasons beyond the physical but to me there's gotta be some strong element of physical attraction otherwise it's just mercy/obligatory sex.

We all have beautiful attributes. We're not all the perfect conception of a porn star but that's for other purposes. I mean you don't get to touch them or talk to them so all you've got to go on is the physical - ONLY. Since hubby and I got involved in the lifestyle I've met some beautiful 50 yr old women. They're bodies aren't perfect. One woman I know had breast cancer many others had c-sections, multipler children and consequently stretch marks and vericose veins but you know what - even with the flaws they have beautiful personalities and love their bodies. Their men love their bodies and the whole "package". We don't consist of bodies only. If our men cannot see through that then they've got a problem. We want to be more physically beautiful but it's not always going to happen. We need to understand that and accept it as well as our men. If they think they need a perfect woman's body to get off then show me THEIR PERFECT body. I can just about guarantee they've got a few flaws of their own.

Raeanna,

Loving their bodies at age 50? participating in swingers parties? you've got to be kidding me right ?

I was taught that once menopause hit,that a woman with any sort of class or breeding gracefully retired from sexuality. I've got to say I agree with this teaching.
There is nothing sexy about surgical scars,varicose veins,sagging breasts, gray hair or wrinkles on a woman
and nothing more sad and pathetic than a woman who refuses to act her age.

I think older woman are better off and far more appreciated when they accept their age with grace and have the wisdom to understand that at this time in their lives,their best purpose,in fact their only purpose is to use their resources to aid,comfort and care for others.If you have a fleeting sexual need,take care of it in privacy and by yourself.Acting with maturity and elegance,stepping aside in a classy way is the best way to go imho.

Wow. Um. I just read what uptown said 3 times. I'm still not sure that I read it right.

I'm 27, I have scars and stretch marks so I guess I'd better retire fom sexuality.

Okay, this has nothing to do with the question at hand, but I can't even believe I just read that.

At 27 you probably also still have many of the other physical trappings of youth and the comment I was responding to involved menopausal aged women.

A 50 yr old woman might well have sagging breasts,stretch marks,varicose veins,surgical scars.... AND a wrinkled face ,liver spots,gray hair,hot flashes,facial hair and various other assorted ills that come with old age.Nothing "hot" at all.

There's a reason we have menopause ladies it is because our bodies are TOO OLD to bear children. There is nothing sexy about old.Don't believe me ? visit a few of the porn sites dedicated to "mature women" it's a horror show, nothing beautiful or sexy about it all, in fact it's downright sad.

I am sorry you feel that way - Let's hear your opinion in 30 years.

So do you think that a woman of 50 should not have sex with her husband even though she may live another 20-30 years yet?? No more sex?? You said that a woman should not be sexually active after menopause. What about woman who end up hitting menopause early?? That's just wrong. Our bodies were designed to have pleasure from sex. Aging should not block us from continuing to enjoy that after our bodies begin to slow down.

You'd be amazed at how sexy a woman at 50 can be. There are plenty of women with the flaws you speak of and more that are sexy at 30. If you feel this way I'm afraid you'll believe that you aren't special or sexy when you are old. I'm sorry for you. Another thing I've noticed is that these woman who are still swingers take much better care of their bodies and have so much more confidence in themselves in every day things.

No guy should tell his woman that she's not his type - not if he wants her to feel loved.

Lol, I am old dear and I'm finally coming to acceptance of the truth that no,I'm not "special" and I'm most certainly not "sexy". I will tell you though that hard truth isn't entirely a bad thing,when you stop trying to frantically fight the forces of Mother Nature you have more energy and time for other more important things.

As far as the "my type" deal, I'd think that having a guy tell you that early on would be a lot better than having to live for years with him because there's no way such a man won't eventually grind a woman's self-esteem down to zero. I know this because I've lived it.

Ok, I'm very sorry for I did not mean to start a battle on whether or not women at age 50 "after menopause" are sexy or not. That was not the intention of this post. This post was strictly about getting advice from women on how they deal with their men watching porn and how you deal with the thoughts of having to live up to what he looks at.

I will do this. Thanks.

Sometimes he picks the porn over me, but he has mentioned that he picks porn over me because sometimes he doesn't want to mess with the time it takes to get me off, and yes, I do take a while.

I can talk to him about it, but he doesn't seem to understand why I have an issue with it, and it is not all the time. I guess I think that if I am with him, he shouldn't need/want to look at porn because I should be all he needs to get off at the moment. I do understand when I'm not there looking at porn comes with dating a guy, but when I think about the Hilton girl (whom he likes), there is no way I can measure up to that.

Thank you very much. I'm glad someone likes my 34DDD's :)

Thank you all of you. We spoke about it last night during dinner only because he read the posts right before. He doesn't seem to understand why I feel that I have to measure up, but I know he cares about me very much, and wouldn't want to hurt me, especially over porn.

Again, thanks guys..errr. I mean Girls!

Yeowch
 

I am so sorry that you had to learn your sexuality and value as a human based on whoever taught you those beliefs.

We, as women, as not defined by our bodies. Our "usefulness" is not defined by the number of eggs we pop out of our ovaries or by the stream of hormones made by our ovaries. If our purposes were defined by such things, why were we given brains? Why not just function on a purely instinctual basis?

By your method of thinking, men are more sexually "useful" than women since they continue to produce sperm and do not go through a male menopause. We may not, biologically, by capable of reproduction, but sex isn't only about reproduction (that's all biological), it is about love and desire (mental).

I have a suspicion that sex may have never been a big deal for you so your post menopausal life is just dandy without sex. Not true for everyone, dear. I truly hope that you recognize that poisoned self-perception and allow yourself a life after menopause or at least not think that we only = our bodies.

The only thing I have to say about any of this is I love to fuck and I always will.

Time nor age will not stop me from being the intensely sexual being I am.

I have an issue, and I don't want to hear about people wanting to have sex when older. Please give insightful responces to the ORIGINAL post.

Thank you!

Ok, here's the latest.

He's thinks I'm cute. He tells me that I'm cute, but he has a fetish for smaller tiny women. Fetishes are fine, I have some myself. Sometimes I feel that when he looks at smaller women he wishes that I was the same. I don't feel like I measure up to what he really wants.

I've had the misfortune of having two long term relationships with
guys who have the same preferences as your guy.I can tell you that if it's already bothering you that it's not going to get better over time.If he compounds the issue by openly drooling over,commenting on women of his
"prefered" body type,you're in for a world of hurt.

I don't care what anybody says,obviously loving sex does involve being attracted to your partner's personality etc but I can't think of anybody who'd be happy over the long term knowing that their looks/body type aren't a turn on for their partner.You can't make yourself shorter, you can't morph yourself from a green eyed chic with pale skin to a smouldering latina with bronze skin and brown eyes.

I've come to the conclusion that a guy who basically comes out and tells you that you aren't his prefred physical type has a lot of issues and an asgenda (though it might be a subconcious one) and that is to slowly grind down your confidence/self esteem.At this point in my life I'd say it's a lot easier to just say goodbye to such a guy,freeing him up to pursue his "prefered type" and leaving you free to find a guy who's a sucker for gals of your type !


Every woman deserves to feel like she's special and wonderful and not constantly having to be sorry/feel inadequate because she's not somebody else.

I have a major issue with this statement. He doesn't want to mess with the time it takes to get you off? Are we talking strictly intercourse here, or oral sex? Have him read the book She Comes First, because it will help him understand (if he truly adores you, which is what you deserve... not just him thinking you're cute while he "fetishizes" a different type of woman) why YOU should be the priority. No offense, but he sounds a bit immature and/or lazy to me. :hmm: If he's truly into you (and into his sexuality), he should LOVE getting you off, no matter how long it takes. It takes me quite a long time to get off, too, but I never feel rushed by my boyfriend... and I'm no perfect-sized gal, either.

Be confident in your body and KNOW that you are sexy! :) He should make you feel even more sexy, not diminished in comparison to some fake porn bitch. Tell him exactly what you need and want from him; what would make you feel sexy? Maybe he's clueless. It's up to him whether or not he can rise to the challenge ;) but if he can't, then find someone who will work hard to satisfy you.

Well, last night we tried the togetherness in looking at pictures from Tfproject's Erogenous Zone. It was different. I have to admit it's not my favorite thing to do, but after a few different clips of various pictures my b/f looked over at MY face instead of MY pussy, and asked if I was ready for him, for he wanted to take me right then and there.

Right before this moment in time, we had a miss understanding about what he thinks about when stroking it to other girl pictures. You see I thought he looks at them therefore he MUST be thinking about them when he gets off, but after a discussion on what he does think about, it was a complete different light. You see, even though he has a fetish for petite girls, that's not who he wants to be with in the end.

I know some of you have said this, but it's just different coming from my own b/f's mouth.

Thank you for your help!

Yay!! I'm glad for you both. :thumbsup: I had this problem in thinking about porn, too... part of my insecurity, I guess. But it's all about communication, and after many discussions, my bf finally helped me understand what was going on in his brain while watching porn. I'm glad your bf finally 'fessed up and told you what you wanted and needed to hear... and even better, that it's how he actually felt. Have fun in the sack and always remember how sexy you are! :D