Manuel Hong

Ladies! I've been seeing a guy for a little more than 3 months. He's 44 and I'm 36. I've known him for years, had a major crush on him from the day we met (mutual), but I was married at the time, so we just flirted harmlessly until he moved away. We sort of stayed in touch with Xmas and bday cards (it was mostly me sending him the mail.. he said he stayed out of the way) After my separation, we got together for a hike when I found myself in Boston for business. Again, we didn't stay in close contact until once again I found myself in Boston for business last October, over a year since our last get-together. The sparks were still there BIG TIME and we made out. He was really anxious to see me soon after that since I was finally divorced and he drove over two hours to see me every weekend. I told him late Nov that I was falling in love with him and his response was, "Why do you think so? Does anyone ever really know?" Bummer. But we talked and we both admitted we were scared, and well, let's just see where it goes. He's very sweet and affectionate when he's here. He cleans up when I go to work, cooks for me, we have fun. He rarely calls (he's broke, laid off for the winter) but still emails me @2-3 days...short, cheerful, newsy and affectionate. He hasn't come to visit in 3 weeks. Once, I was busy; the next time was my birthday and his car was fucked up and last weekend we had the blizzard. I'm starting to feel like this is smelling a bit like rejection. He sent a happy bday email, but didn't call or anything and ouch that hurt. I don't feel like he's troubled by this separation at all! He hasn't been in a relationship in years and has never been married. Is this guy backing away or is he just stupid in relationships? What should I do? Call him and ask the hard questions? See if he tries to make plans with me and play it cool or just cut and run? This is confusing and painful. I'm pretty vulnerable after only being divorced for a year and a half. Any wisdom?

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Believe nothing, even if I tell it to you, unless it meets with your own good common sense and experience. - Siddhartha Gautama (The Buddha)

maleficent

the blizzard gets him a pass for missing out. Car trouble is a legitimate excuse, you were too busy for him one time... Not sure I see where you see the rejection is coming from?

He didn't run when you told him you thought you were falling in love with him, it sounds like he handled it appropriately... A lot of guys would have stumbled and mumbled and run away.... fast.

the tough question to ask here, is do you think you haver a relationship? does he? Or is it just two people having fun. It's not an easy question to ask someone, especially if you aren't sure of what the answer will be. I don't think he's stupid in a relationship, he is just acting different than you want him to act. you have relationship needs, are they being fulfilled? Only you can answer that -- he does email you regularly, but doesn't call... because he's short on cash? eh - -not a great excuse -- because phone cards are pretty cheap... maybe he's just not a phone talker (I personally can't stand talking onthe phone)

At his age, he's pretty set in his ways... and it's tough to get someone to change if you think he's a keeper (and not just because he cleans for you and cooks for you) then sit tight and see where it goes. What are you looking for? You say you are vulnerable right now, and are recently divorced? Do you want to get married again? want another long term relationship? Or is this purely rebound guy -- someone to get your feet wet in the dating pool again.

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Sweetpea

This sounds like the chronic "toxic bacholar" , afraid of committtment and unable to really make an emotional connection for large periods of time that a long term relationship requires . . . call him and say your peice, tell him how he is making you feel, communicate to him what his actions are doing to your relationship . . .
However (and this may sound harsh, sorry) , even if you do say how you feel, that might not change the fact that this is how he acts in relationships and he might not know how to be emotionally available . . and i think you deserve better Manuel Hong . . .

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Sweetpea

Well said Mal!! . . . These are important questions to ask yourself Manuel Hong . . . where do you want your life to go romantically and otherwise after being newly divorced?

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*Nikki*

I would not read to much into this right now. A LOT OF MEN simply do not know how to behave in a relationship. They actually have to get used to being in one or be taught. I am not putting them down, I am just saying some men have no damn clue!!

My man used to be like this. The thing was he never had a long term serious relationship before me and he just really didn't know what to do. It was that simple. It didn't mean that he didnt care about me. Men will do really insensitive things and have no concept that they are hurting you.

I would have to say that this is definately a wait and see kind of thing.

Manuel Hong

Thanks so much girls! I really needed the perspective. I just got a response to the email I wrote:

'Yah, not diggin' this long-distance thing too much right now. It is all cirumstancial, but....not psyched about it. Are you missing the fuzziness like I am, or could you not care less?

Did I originally say "let's get together once a month or something.."? 'Cause it's been three weeks and I'm bummin'. Ha!

Well, maybe we'll have clear sailing next weekend. I'd love to go somewhere and do something, but I'm not sure if I could afford much.'

and amidst the unusaully long chit-chat type email he responded with, 'it feels like i haven't seen you in years, well you did say you didn't want to rush into anything, did you change your mind?i like seeing you every weekend even though it doesn't happen that way. takes time to get to know someone, ya know. you know.'

So...yah. wait n see. Ladies, I really like this guy, I'm just so afraid of getting hurt (like everyone else). I'm not hearing wedding bells or anything (oof, been there...will be a long time before I'm ready to do that again). But I would like a real relationship. Long term. Real love. Getting to know youuuu, getting to know all about youuuu....gettting to liiike youuuu getting to hooope you'll liiike meeeee......
(sorry for breaking into song)

Thanks again for your words of comfort and wisdom. You chicks is smart!!!

__________________
Believe nothing, even if I tell it to you, unless it meets with your own good common sense and experience. - Siddhartha Gautama (The Buddha)

Sweetpea

hmmmm . . . yeah, he doesn't seem to be distancing himself at all like you had thought in your first post . . . i take back the toxic bacholar thing i mentioned in my previous post . . . he really does seem to be into you and seems sensitive to his feelings and seems eager to find out Your feelings too . . . certainly seems open to communicating . . . this one is a keeper for now certainly!! Have some fun . . . see where it goes!!!

Glad that you are so happy Manuel Hong . ..

Keep us posted on how it progresses

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Looking for a great pet?! Click Here!
"I am the Type of Person Who Can Get Away With A lot, Simply Because I Don't Ask Permission for the Privilege of Being Myself"

sexymama

Maybe this is a silly question, with you not wanting to rush things, but . . . if he is laid off for the winter, what is keeping him from moving your way? Closer makes it easier to explore, even if only a temporary move.

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If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god

It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

Manuel Hong

Yah, Sexymama... I know. He originally moved in with his sister to help her out because she has major health issues and 10 year old son to raise alone. He's a really good guy. She is sick because of emotional problems, primarily. I don't think he'll stay there indefinetly because she won't seek therapy, which would help immensely. He said he's moving by next fall and "she'll just have to deal with it" and asked me to move with him to Idaho!!! Only the least populated state in the union! I kinda brushed the discussion off, but told him that I needed to be around people in order to have a decent practice (I'm in complimentary health care). I'm willing to move out of CT (hells, yes!) but not to "no man's land". His request was also delivered in an off-hand humorous way, so I don't think this discussion of moving together is a real issue right now. He was just fishin'.
It's really gonna take some time to get to know each other a this rate and I'm so anxious to know him better. I do love him, but that is not a guarantee that it will last, nor do I need validation in order to have these feelings. I think there's a big diiference from being in love and really loving someone. I'm in love. (I think...at least I am some of the time) love's so funny isn't it?

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Believe nothing, even if I tell it to you, unless it meets with your own good common sense and experience. - Siddhartha Gautama (The Buddha)