boyfriends and pornography
 

Just curious....do any of you out there have an adversion to your boyfriend owning/looking at pornography? I'm just wondering, because it has become somewhat of a problem between my boyfriend and I....when we first started to go out, I had absolutely no problem with him looking at porn and using it to get off...but then we hit some rough patches, and I think I started to feel taken for granted. we stopped having sex more (we'd just moved into together) and I noticed him visiting 'those' sites more and more, and it just became this 'thing'. now we've come to a middle road, and he has offered to just not look at it anymore at all (knowing i would probably find out if he did anyways...) because he knows how it makes me feel and he would rather just not do it. so everything is ok for now, but i was just wondering if anyone else out there had encountered this problem, and if so, what did you guys do to solve it, or to come to some sort of an understanding?

thanks :)

I've never felt insecure when loverboy watches porn. I did, however, dislike that he used pictures of (naked) women as wallpapers on his computer. It made me feel insecure about the two of us and I thought that it meant that he didn't think I was pretty or that he didn't love me. Obviously none of this was the case as I found out when we talked about it. He just enjoys the beauty/look of other women. As does your boyfriend whenever he watches porn. We solved our little problem by talking about it as should you.

Keeping your boyfriend from watching porn is not the answer. You asked him to stop watching porn because it suddenly makes you feel that you're being taken for granted. Then fix that! Talk to him about it. Tell him about your needs/desires instead: that you'd like him to spend more time in bed pleasing you than watching so much porn.... If he's a reasonable man he'd understand that. I hope you guys figure it out because there should be room for watching porn without destroying your sex life :)

Nancy preatty well sums it up...just talk to him. As me and my hubby...we enjoy watching it together

another thread

Here's another thread that'll let you see some views of the ladies around here... I have some pretty strong anti-porn sentiments. I've seen it destroy lives, destroy relationships, and hurt a lot of people. Personally, I've gotten to the point where I don't WANT my SO to look at porn, but it's something a lot of guys do anyway. If it's not being hidden from me, and I'm not being used as a cumrag, then I've learned to deal.

:lol:

I've had the exact same prob with my bf ;)

Anyways..

I agree that a 'no porn' policy is not the answer, communication is.

meh, that's kind of a shitty short answer for the moment, but listen to the rest of what Nancy said, it's about what I'd say too.

Good Lucks :icare:

I really,really enjoy seeing people naked,as most people do,I'm sure.But I think that Porn becomes and obsession for A lot of people and it gets out of control.Everyone has their own personal prefrence,and it seems that your man has no respect for it. Tell him if he could use his imagination a little more in the bedroom and a little less watching porn.. that you two would be better off.
I think that when two people in the relationship enjoy it it adds to their intamacy,but if only one does..He still has his cock out behind your back.. It sounds like you are in deep..You sure hes the man for you?

I wasn't talking about anyone I'm with now. Between past relationships and what I do for work, I have developed these feelings. And no, Six, he was not the one for me. :p

Nope, never had this problem. Nwlinkvxd is almost always up for sex (in the rare occasion that I suggest it myself), so I totally don't care if he looks at pr0n. I look at it myself!

I agreed with you 100% in what you said,I should have said that. : ) I was just adding my own 2 Cents.. : )

Actually, I never asked my boyfriend to stop watching porn. I felt the same way as you all, that there must be some way for us to find a middle ground and find a solution that we both liked. But my boyfriend, without my asking, said that he just wouldn't look anymore....and I didn't argue, lol. Like I said, things are better now...him not looking has actually worked out the best for both of us (he had even admitted that it was becoming too much of a temptation for him...). And I agree with you all too....I wish we could actually watch porn together, because I enjoy it too, but even though I've brought it up, he doesn't seem too psyched about it, so i dunno.....

He's afraid you will think he's a pervert...lol,and he is, and that's alright.You two should talk more about it.

I think alot of men become obsessive about watching porn regardless of their sex life. Do not ask him to stop watching it because if he says he will stop....He wont. He will hide it and then when you catch him you will feel even worse off because he was hiding it and lying about it.

My boyfriend and I had some problems with that issue a couple of months ago. I know alot about computers and where to find stuff that other people have been to....no, its not JUST the history, but i can find it in the internet files and i know exactly where he has been and what he has looked at. Well, there was one time where I didnt trust him on the net...b/cause he would always talk to girls and everything, so one day i was like "hmm..i'm gonna check this out"...well i did...and he had been looking at naked girls. I was pissed off....but I talked to him about it, and he knows that i dont like him looking at stuff like that, so ever since then he hasnt looked or opened up any pictures of any girls except me ;o)

lissa, that is exactly what happened with us, lol....and I know exactly what you're talking about (as in where to find stuff etc), but like i said before, things have gotten better and he knows what i would and wouldn't like him to do....

I had a problem with it at first, but I realized that it wasn't a big deal.

I still don't really like it, but I know that it isn't hurting anything, and that at the end of the day, I am the one that he always comes home to.

Now that isn't saying that I don't check up on what he looks at- I do. It seems to be pretty normal stuff. If it got into the weird stuff- children and animals- then there would be a HUGE problem.

BTW- You guys will have to tell me about this internet files stuff.

It made me uncomfortable to begin with. Mostly because our sex life was the pits at the time. I felt like he was replacing me with much better looking women. I told him precisely that. He reassured me that even though he liked looking at those women he #1 knew they were all airbrushed-I was real, #2 couldn't actually have them-he could have me, and #3 he didn't love them-and he loved me. We actually started looking at it together. Partly because I was still curious to know why he was so interested in it. We began to share comments about it and it would get us both thinking sexy thoughts. We started going to the bedroom all turned on and even ended up right there on our home office floor. It put some spice in our lives. It was then we made our own little home movie and then erased it a little later to prevent it getting into the wrong hands. Also we started taking pics. It gave him still photos to look at of me and made me feel like an "equal" with these airbrushed women. I'm totally fine with him looking at pics now and he doesn't hide it from me. I think the hiding was one part that made me uncomfortable at first and that's gone now.

It's a craving that I think most men have. It's normal. It's also normal for us as female partners to be uncomfortable with the "perfect" image we see in porn possibly replacing us in our partners mind. Talking to him and reassuring yourself that he still sees you as sexy and wants you in reality more than those women will help you not fear him looking.

Personally I wouldn't tell him he can't look. Cause there's a real good chance that he will and if he doesn't he might resent you. Even if he's the one who announced that he wouldn't look.

Communicate with him about why it bothers you and ask him for reassurance. You might be pleasantly surprised with what he says.

BTW Some of the porn we were looking at in the beginning - Good Ol' TFP!! :D

i've no problems. i trust my boyfriend completely and i know that he doesn't need to look at porn. he's told me several times that i've ruined porn for him. the girls in porn pictures are often looking at the camera or posing and it is all a very fake/set up environment..and he simply can't get off on it anymore because of the objectifying nature and how much more meaningful our connection is. sure, we may look at posts on exhibition and comment on it together, but we don't look at them for arousal. even if he were to look at porn though, i wouldn't mind. i'd try to make it something we could do or look at together. i just think they're tools for getting off..or tools in general. it shouldn't be personalized at all.

I don't currently have a boyfriend but I've never had a problem with a b.f. watching it...I've even watched some with some of my ex's

Like I've said, my SO looks at cars the way other men look at women. But the whole porn thing has never been a problem. So long as I'm not around, I don't care. If he chooses it over me, then there's a problem. As far as videos are concerned, I think it'd be fun to watch and make fun of them with him (that happens no matter what we watch).

He prefers me because I am real. That's enough for me.

when you go into your web browser (if you use Internet Explorer like I do, then this will all be exactly the same....), click on tools. then click on internet options. then click on internet files, and it will show you all the pages that have been visited (it shows you everything though, so there will be a ton of other crap like cookies and stuff, so i've found that anything with the Internet Explorer icon (the blue one) beside it means that was an actual page visited). it won't show you everything of course because in the options you can select how much storage is allotted to that one folder so after a while stuff will be deleted, but it'll give you some idea, and if you keep up on it, then you won't have to worry, you'll see everything. Though, if your boyfriend is really trying to hide stuff from you, he'll know to 'delete internet files' each time after he uses the comp. so if there's nothing there when you look, i'd be worried, lol. hope you can figure this all out :)

Gah, if i anything, i tried to encourage my ex to be more open about whatever porn/fetish habits he had... i'm kinda crazy and was waiting for the opportunity to see what he liked so i could indulge. We shared plenty 'o porn watching sessions, just be open and communicate in a mature adult way, not in any manner that might make him feel guilty because then he might become more embarassed?

Hmm..I just have to comment on that I don't think the 'checking up on what bf looked at on the internet' is really a proper and respectful thing to do.

A good relationship is based on trust, yes?
And he should trust that you wont go sneaking around in his shit and following his tracks, and you should trust him enough that you feel no 'need' to.

Communication, Ladies! :)

Actually, I think you are completely wrong. It isn't a matter of trust at all. I know he looks at porn, and I don't care. He knows that I know, and he knows that I don't care.

So I really don't see where trust comes into it. I trust that he is looking at it, if that is what you mean.

Going to the sites he goes to to see what he is looking at is just another way to see what types of things he enjoys, so that maybe one night I can surprise him with something.

It isn't like I suspect him of cheating on me with a porn star, so I make sure he isn't looking at one star too much. In fact, if he had a problem with me looking at the sites he had gone to, all he would have to do is voice his opinion and tell me, and I would stop looking at it.

So I really don't feel that this involves a lack of trust.

Well whatever you do. If you check the history and find out he's been looking at porn - I would suggest that you NOT confront him with it. Keep that piece of information to yourself.

#1. He may see it as you are snooping on him and feel like his privacy has been violated.

#2. Confrontation will make you run up against a brick wall. In situations like this, questions are your best course.

#3. He will just be smarter to hide it from you in the future. That is if he has been looking.

Finding out if he's been at porn sites isn't really that important in my opinion. He needs to tell you himself. If you find out he's been lying you will only distrust him more and put the relationship on a rocky course. You need to make him feel he can trust you not to get on his case if he tells you he's been looking at porn. Until he trusts you not to get upset he will hide it from you IF he is still looking.

That's my point. I KNOW he is looking, I don't care, and he knows that I know. My point in looking at what sites he goes to is to see what kinds of things he likes- not to spy on him and confirm a fact that I already know. I wouldn't confront him about it, because he has nothing to hide.

I just don't understand...why not simply ask him to show you what he likes?

That's the difference though between your relationship and guinnessgurl's. She does not want him looking at all. You are ok with him looking. If she looks in his history it wouldn't just be to find out what he likes. It would be to find out if he's lied. The difference is in what you girls have said you are ok with. IN your case I see no problem in looking at the history. I have on occaision looked at hubby's history as well but mostly because I enjoy the stuff he finds. That I understand is pretty much your situation. Guinnessgurl's is a little different I think. Her reasoning for looking wouldn't be the same.

I don't really have a problem with it. If he was looking at it all the time to get turned on because I wasn't doing it for him then I'd have an issue with it. I've looked at porn before so I don't see why he can't.

Actually, to clarify, I do not have a problem with my bf looking at porn. when we first started dating, I got a kick out of him telling me what sites he'd been to and what he looked at....it was a turn on for me. my problem started when he was looking at it all the time, and our sex life started to die off...since then things have improved greatly because we've talked about it and come to an understanding. i haven't forbidden him to look at porn, so my checking up on him is for very nearly the same reasons as rubyee. as hard as this may be for some of you to understand, my boyfriend chooses not to look anymore (as far as i know, lol) because he knows it makes me uncomfortable....just like i know some of you feel (you're uncomfortable with it, but you tolerate it). well my bf has chosen to not give me anything to 'tolerate'. this isn't a case of where i've asked him not to and gotten upset when he does....

My feeling about that are, he can look but not touch. And if he likes me for me, and not wanting me to get a boob job, or anything else to look like them... or even to do what they do (take it in the face) I have no problem with him looking at it. I kinda like it at times myself. So I can't really tell him no. And I personally wouldn't want to tell him no.

I posted this a long time ago and instead of reposting it I went and copied it from the last time. Okay this is the situation. I have asked my husband over the years to quit looking at the pics of naked girls on the internet. I really don't know why it bothers me so much because we watch porn together andi enjoy that and he has magazines and I don't care about those but I hate it when he looks at pics on the internet. We have had several fights about this so he knows how strongly I feel about it. I was gone last week and when I came home I got on tfp (I just joined two weeks ago) and while i was looking around I found were you can search on a user's name and see what they have posted on and all of his but 5 where on the titty board and others. I was really angry and most of the comments where that's a beautiful girl and like someone else said i look nothing like any of those girls he was looking at so what does that make me? Like someone else said i feel second rate. I don't know why he settled with me if he wants someone who looks like that. And then there was this one post of this woman's tits and her husband posted it and my husband wrote you are a very lucky man and i asked him what does he think he is. I don't know maybe I am being a baby about it and i should just give up and let him do what he wants I don't know?
Okay since this post we have worked things out and he(at least tells me) that he has quit looking at the naked pics. And I believe him. After guinnessgurl telling us how to look in the temp internet files I decided to do some snooping to see how good he really has been and I found no pics of girls that we hadn't looked at together. So I am really proud of him.

There are many many things wrong with these situations.

FIRST there is NOTHING wrong with being mad or hurt when your boyfriend/husband checks out porn and even comments on it. What woman likes being compared to another woman, much less knowing that your lover lusts after some of these women??

The main thing to remember is that Porn Addiction is a REAL thing. If it ever appears that your man spends more time with these fake women, then on your relationship THERE IS A PROBLEM. It is not about you being inscure. Fuck that. It is about men having a problem with porn.

If you look at it together and it is consensual OR if you have no problem with your man looking at it, well then more power to you. Otherwise speak up and don't let this get you down.

I myself was in a relationship with a man who was/is addicted to women and porn. I was never good enough. No matter what I did to please him, or how good I looked, I couldnt compare.

Another thing is that a problem with porn could signal other problems in the relationship. Talk about it. If he isn't interested in how it makes you feel, he isn't interested in you.

Amethyst, i pretty much hear ya on the feeling second rate because of the type of girls your SO chooses to gawk at. I find it really really tough because i know i don't look a damn thing like any freaking porn star and it makes me second guess myself sometimes in the bedroom.

However, once i was able to start taking steps back and realizing that even though porn addiction can be a problem, as long as he still loves me and finds me attractive, then i'm ok, i just chalk those girls up to the unattainable and thus written off, because i mean, we all have our fantasies, it's just being able to keep them at a safe distance from reality.