Second Fiddle
 

Here's another "Have you ever?" question, I'm sorry I haven't been very active on the board lately, school has been eating me alive.

My question is simple...have you ladies ever had to play second fiddle to anything? Let me explain. My boyfriend and I have been together almost 3 years, it'll be 3 in November, and tonight, he tells me that he misses playing music (he plays guitar) with his band (which consists of him, a bassist, and a drummer; who happens to be his cousin) as much as he misses spending time with me.

Now, I'm not the type to be whiny and clingy, but I feel I should rank a little bit above getting drunk and playing guitar for a few hours. I don't know, maybe it's a "me" thing?

So, have you?

yes, you should rank higher than getting drunk and playing guitar, but.....
guys need their toys. Whether it's golf, motorcycles or guitars and beer, they need them.
Make a deal with him-on the nights he wants to play with the boys, you get a chance to do things YOU want to do. Under no circumstances should you just sit home and stew.
It gives you both a chance to be yourselves and not half a couple and gives you something to talk about. Don't make him choose, though. Even if you win, in the long run, you'll lose.

In the past, I would feel that way. My husband is huge into photography. He spends a lot of time taking and editing photos.

Instead of feeling like I was second fiddle, I compiled a list of things that I enjoyed doing.

1) Curl up and read a book.
2) Take a bubble bath and pamper myself.
3) Go for a walk
4) Get together with some friends
5) Paint or sketch
6) Exercise
7) Watch a movie that he doesn't want to watch
8) Try a new recipe
9) Research a topic that interests me and learn something new
10) Call and catch up with my family and long-distant friends
11) Volunteer at the local food pantry

There are endless possibilities. Looking at the situation as an opportunity for you instead of a 'slap in the face' will help a lot.

I'd have to second what shesus said. The number one thing is to use it as an outlet for you to develop your interests. For me, it was hard at first because at the time I didn't have another passion as big as his that I could pursue in the downtime alone. Slowly, I have built up a list of things I start to look forward to doing when the boyfriend's special interests take over.

Great advice on both counts.

As they say, everyone needs their space. Eventually, you'll look forward to it too. Discuss it and make sure it's for a number of nights that works for both of you.

A male member wanted to contribute...

Tt loves his college football. The first year we were dating, it really bothered me. He'd want to spend evenings and saturdays at home in front of the television alone watching football and getting drunk. He would be extra excited about it if one or all of his brothers was going to join in. By the end of football season the first year, I was ready to call it quits. But I realized how much he loved it, and saw that it was a relatively harmless mainstream hobby.

Hobby. Enjoyable hobby. Something that made him happy.

So by the next season, I had it figured out. I signed up for an all-day art class on Saturdays. I suddenly had my own all-consuming enjoyable hobby, which I can pick up and enjoy whenever I start feeling like second fiddle. And guess what? We're both much happier. Gives us something to chat about in the off-season.

Yup. And, as shesus said, we need our "toys" too (whatever they may be). It took me a while to realize this as well, but now that I'm married and no longer have long-distance to distract me, I feel much more secure about my husband and I pursuing our own interests now and then, and coming together at the end of the day to talk about what we did, etc. It enrichens our life instead of taking away from it, which is how I used to see it. Plus, we have enough "together" activities to choke a horse :) so I don't feel a real lack of anything in that department.

Is there anything going on in the relationship that is making you feel slightly insecure about him spending time on other things? For me, as I said, it was the long-distance (for our first 2 years). Once you can work on that thing, usually you learn to let go of the need to be together all the time, at least in my opinion.

You know theres a whole world out there filled with interesting people, events, and happenings. Sometimes one's interests/schedules/moods jives with their partner's and sometimes they dont. It seems a shame that when we partner up we sometimes think we are joined at the proverbial hip. I like to feel close to whoever the hell I might be seeing, but I dont think I want the responsibility or the resentment of thinking I am the be/end all. Maybe at some times, but not always or even close. Thats just me.

I'm having a really hard time understanding why anyone who would think they are playing 2nd fiddle to an S/O's interest/hobby is in a relationship at all, when the interest is not all consuming. Just because a person wants to enjoy something that doesnt involve you doesnt meant you're playing 2nd fiddle. He should rank high enough with you that you would not feel abandoned just because he hangs with his friends (and family) for a few hours every now and then.

That may sound a little harsh....but I think that being jealous over a person interest is a little selfish. God knows Dave and I can be together 24/7 and never get bored...but even I know that he deserves times with his friends without me around.

(Please note that I mean when your s/o has a nite a week or a nite a month that he does something without you, not when your s/o is so totally consumed by it they dont do ANYTHING else)

Thank you ladies,

And you're right, I was being selfish. But not entirely. I wasn't thinking clearly...it was one of those nights.

But now that my head is on a little straighter, I can see that if I don't want to go I shouldn't whine about him going. It's his family for goodness sakes. I've got a good group of girlfriends I can hang out with, and I haven't written a story in months because I haven't had the time to myself.

Thank you ladies for listening to me, and for answering again. I know I can always count on ya'll =) I promise to be more active to help ya'll when you need it.

P.S. An all-day art class sounds wonderful. I can't draw...but I'm a pretty good painter. I may look into that. And a bath...wow, I haven't indulged in one of those in a long time. Thanks again ladies.

I'm probably late on giving my 2 cents in this topic but here goes. i had the opposite effect i was the the "dude" that was in a band and well my ex boyfriend was the somewhat the 2nd fiddle. I was a drummer in an all guy band. And would spend odd hours with them practicing and writing songs. Which in turn meant spending less time with him. Which for awhile made him upset seeing it we talking through it and agreed that since I'm not a big fan of chess that i wouldn't object him spending hours either online nor out in the world searching for players in the park. In the end we would spend hours apart but than end up shacking up later on in the week or something and it was awesome :rolleyes:

In a sense I know what you feel but I've learned in MY 3 years with the same guy, he has his vices- his toys- his enjoyment- and from my standpoint it's not bad. Once you learn to let him enjoy being him on his own, he'll thank you for it and show you more love when he's with you. It's just his time to 'get away'. Guys, especially, are like that. If no harm is being done, then let him be. Take that time to do something for yourself.

I just want to close this thread by telling everyone thank you that posted. I took the general consensus and decided to do something on my own while he plays with his guys. I go out to a movie with the girlfriends of the other bandmembers. Turns out, they didn't like being there while they played no more than I did. =)

Again, thank you everyone for your invaluable advice.

Sadly with my ex, I was playing second fiddle to his wife and kid, and I didn't even know it.

i can relate to this. I always tend to get jealous when my boyfriend wants to spend time doing other things with his friends, playing music, or writing (one of his passions). But, i've come to realize that people NEED their independence as much as they want to be with you. It's all a balancing act. It's healthy to find things you can enjoy on your own and vice versa for him. I think it seems easier for guys to have their own things, and girls always want to focus on the relationship. Try focusing on ways to do things for yourself... If you don't, you may be at risk for losing yourself in the relationship. I have struggled a lot with this... and it hasn't been easy. Good luck.

Also, your insecurity may be due to your lack of independence. All the more reason to work on this! If you don't have personal independence within yourself, you will never feel stability in a relationship. I have had to learn this the hard way... Don't think of it as 2nd fiddle at all. It's not. Don't take it personally. Just be yourself and move on.

Hope this helps...

When I was in a relationship with my ex I constantly felt like I was second fiddle to his ever-changing wants. Meaning, when he wanted to go to a college 150 miles from me I was left to entertain myself for a semester until I could transfer. Then when I transferred he decided he didn't want to be there anymore and I was alone yet again. Eventually I grew tired of it and now I'm single and I'm doing what I want to be doing.

There are some things you should put up with, and some things you shouldn't. Playing in a band is one of the former, in my opinion.

Right on, sounds like you all found something perfect together.

Good for you! Although my husband and I are best friends and like to do most things together, he enjoys his time working on his vette and my Jeep - I enjoy spending quiet time laying on the couch with the dogs and reading. As much as we work, making time for one another is just as important as making time for ourselves (plus I'll get the mods done on my Jeep and I don't have to lift a finger). "Playing 2nd fiddle" is when only 1 person is getting what they want out of a relationship and the other gets nothing and is miserable.

Shesus, love, that is an awesome list :) ... you wouldn't mind if i grab some, would ya? :)

i think the thing for me mostly is that healer is my way around, we do everything together and when he does want some "alone time" or "boy time" (which happens VERY rarely) i do kinda feel left out, even though i know that its something he really wants to do. but the reason i feel that way is because should he go out and do his own thing, i'm stuck at home. anyways, it all boils down to... i should really work on getting my drivers license. :D

It's not that I feel 2nd fiddle to my SO's hobby. I could care less if he goes to play softball 2-3 nights a week. I spend time with the kids and once they are in bed, quiet time for me. It is what he does (or does not do) with the rest of his time that is the issue.

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