So my mom is dying

[pocon1]

She has been battling cancer for a long time now, but her time is limited, to the point of hours or a few days. If you want the specifics, she has mutiple myeloma, a type of bone marrow cancer. She is now on hospice, so she is getting a hospital bed for the house and she has liquid morphine for a pain reliever. We have a dnr order because there is obviously no hope of return or treatment at this point. My wife has been going over during the day to help my stepfather, and my sister is also in from Arizona. I just want to say that my stepfather has been absolutely amazing. He has been able to take all of the pain and suffering that comes from being the person closest to the one dying, and handle it without breaking down. He has been a rock and has cared so much for my mom. I am in awe of him. My dad also died of cancer when I was 18, (31 now), and I watched the stress my stepmother went through caring for my dad. She would break down and fight with him when he was out of it, and it was very hard on her. She was normal. I don't know how my stepfather does it. I also want to say that my wife has been so supportive of me and my family as well. She is currently taking summer classes as a student so she hes been going over during the day to help out, because my mom has been going downhill so quickly the past couple of weeks. The past few days her diet has been some glucerna and a little diet soda. Her cataracts keep her from being able to see well, and she has shrunk to so small. Her teeth are stained red because her lips are cracked and bleeding. Her 86 year old mother was in this weekend and she looks better than my mother.
Anyways, it could be tomorrow, or shortly after. My stepfather told me last night that he and my mom want to be cremated ( I asked if he wanted to die first, haha) and he said that he did not know what to do with the ashes. then it hit him to take her ashes to Haleakala crater in Hawaii. Growing up we used to visit Maui and it was so beautiful. The crater is amazing and one trip we got permission to hike in and spend the night in a park cabin inside the crater. So maybe we will all make the trip out together someday.
My sister has been assembling a board of pictures of my mom in anticipation of the funeral. She has also been planning the notice for the paper. I can think about what I want to say hear, so you all can listen in to my eulogy. I am tired of crying while writing this, so I am going to sign off and go to bed. I will post more later.

[maleficent]

{{{HUGS}}} To you and your family.

It's gotta be a tough time... Be thankful that you are able to spend her last days with her and she is surrounded by the people that love her in an environment that she is familiar with... I hope that the morphine is helping her with the pain.

I hope you get some rest and that it brings you some peace.. Nothing is wrong with crying, your mom is worth a lot of tears. It's good you aren't alone right now...

Good thoughts and prayers with you and your family...

[wolf]

Very sorry to hear that. Our hearts go out to you and yours.

[OFKU0]

My father died in '98. Lung cancer. My mother 2 years later. Pancreatic cancer. I was the primary caregiver for both.

Celebrate your mother's life and live your life to the fullest. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow's to far away. My best wishes.

[micah67]

I'm truly sorry for the pain and grief you are facing. It sounds like you have a great family support structure in place and I hope you continue to give each other the support and shoulders you each need.

I'm touched that you are willing to share such a heart-wrenching time in your life with us. I hope these virtual hugs help...

[Johnny Pyro]

My heart goes out to you. I don't know what I would do without my mom.

[Seething]

My thoughts are with you and your family. Losing a loved one is never easy, but unfortunately a natural part of life.

[Daniel_]

You poor bastard, you have my utter sympathy and total respect. I am astonished to see that you can be together enough to write about your pain here - I'd be introspective and hiding.

I hope you all find the peace you need at this very difficult time. It's grim - one of the contributory factors to my own divorce was that when her dad died she could only argue with me, and it forced open cracks in our marriage. I'm glad that you have the support and strength of your family.

Your step-father sounds like a great guy - he's going to go to pieces some time though, so keep a look out for him (like you NEEDED me to tell you that).

Death is hard, but death with dignity is a prize beyond value.

Keep well.

[tecoyah]

............Celebrate the Love, Cry until you reach Peace.............

We are here for you

[Daoust]

I am amazed at the grace and eloquence with which you appear to be handling this sad and most difficult situation. I do not claim to know even a little of what you are feeling. God bless you and your family.

[amonkie]

Your mother is truly well loved, and to be surrounded by her family as she prepares to leave this world ... my prayers are with you all

[raeanna74]

Hugs. You are in my prayers and thoughts. My Grandmother died in such a way, slowly, becoming a withered child in the bed. It is not easy. I am glad you have so many around you to help care for her. I hope that you all find peace soon.

[ShaniFaye]

we are going thru cancer in Dave's family right now.....I have been thru it a few times in my own.... my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family in her last days

[lurkette]

I am so sorry - having just watched a close friend lose her mother to cancer, you have my utmost sympathy. ((hugs))

[LewisCouch]

Consider the empathy of those who post in an effort to ease your pain. We are all beings cut from the same cloth; we laugh, we cry, we live, we die. Share yourself fully with those around you, especially at this difficult time as it is serves to heal.

I have found some comfort with the following quote which I believe succinctly defines the loss of a loved one, and I hope you too find some meaning and comfort in them.

"All that we can know about those we have loved and lost is that they would wish us to remember them with a more intensified realization of their own reality. What is essential does not die but clarifies. The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude."

--Thornton Wilder

God bless you and yours in this difficult time.

[JustJess]

I wish patience for you - so that you will have patience with yourself, your family, and the many people who want to help and support you and yours. I've been there - father and both grandparents - it's never easy. Especially with my grandmother, I was mostly relieved that she wasn't in pain anymore. *I* miss her, but she's not hurting anymore - it's not wrong to be happy for your mom that she's not in pain anymore.

Hoping for peace and healing for you and the family.

[cyrnel]

So sorry Pocon. I'm going through the process myself. Try to talk. Be with people. Don't hide. You may find it easier to talk about things with strangers. I'm having a tough time with family, I think because our roles were very different. Be ready for the roller-coaster, but don't bury it. Talk with hospice or pastoral services or whomever about grief counseling. Lots of support out there but you have to want it.

[xepherys]

*hug* Your family will be in my prayers, pocon1...

[pocon1]

Thank you all for your support. That is one of the nice things about the tfp. It is a diverse, good group of people. I am going over this afternoon and two of my mom's friends will be with our family as well. One is a nurse, so she is going to give my mom a sponge bath. Basically my mom has not eaten or drank anything in the past 24 hours, so we all think it will be before Friday. God damn it is so hard to put a date on your mom's death. Who knows what will really happen, but how long can you live in this situation without any water. But there is no sense in an IV because it will not prolong the quality of her life.
One thing I can be proud of is that I have always had a good relationship with my mother. Of course it helps that she was so strong so that when we did fight when I was a teenager she was able to absorb it. My mom was a teacher for 25 years, and retired when she first developed cancer. She earned her masters in early childhood development while going to night school. The stories she would tell about going to University of MD poor were something else. She folded pizza boxes, worked at Briggs meatpacking, babysat, and scooped ice cream to pay for college. She and my dad lived together on the married campus housing while working on her bachelor's. One Christmas she bought my dad underwear and put in cardboard tubes to disquise it under the wrapping paper. My parents divorced when I was 3, but my dad was a good guy. They just did not get along. As I mentioned before, he died when I was 18. My regret with him is that I did not know him well enough. There is so much I could have learned from him.
My mom was also very active in my Boy Scout troop. She and my stepfather participated in almost every camping trip, and when I got too old for scouts, they continued with Adult Leader Training. We camped everywhere, because it saved money on vacations. My mom was also not afraid of doing anything. She coached softball in her middle school for a couple of seasons. Once while pitching for batting practice she took a line drive right to the shin. the swelling and bruising were there for months. Another time she was pitching in a student vs teacher softball game. She was running back for a pop fly, spun around at the last second, and broke her nose on the principal's sternum. He had come from second base to catch the ball. When my stepfather, brother-in-law and myself all got our motorcycle licenses, she took the MSF course with us. She did not pass the course because she dropped the bike on the test and twisted her ankle, but she still took the course. When I was home with the chicken pox, she and I played catch every day out in the front yard because I was on the cub scout softball team. She was definitely not a wimp. The few times she spanked me she used a wooden spoon. I had to go get it out of the kitchen. Another time during a fight she kicked my bedroom door open. Did I mention that we all took karate together when I was a kid for three years? The instructors loved pitting these young guys against my mom because she was not afraid of them and they did not want to hit a lady. So she would hit them.
I will post later, but writing this out does help me.

[maleficent]

Your mom sounds like a really neat lady... Thanks for sharing those stories about her with us and letting us get to know her..

[Elphaba]

Sharing the memories of the good times you had with you mother can be very healing for you and your family. My family will be getting together on my father's birthday to celebrate his life and to remember the special moments we had with him.

My prayers are with you, your mother, and your family.

[AVoiceOfReason]

Originally Posted by pocon1

. . .it is so hard to put a date on your mom's death.

March 8, 2004, I drove to the hospital knowing my dad was going to die that day. He had decided to take off the respirator, and without it, he wasn't going to make it. He lasted about two hours.

February 4, 2005, I drove to my mom's house, knowing she was in bad shape, but I planned to stay the night with her. After I arrived, it was clear to me she wan't going to be here too long. She died within 4 hours.

A friend of mine that lost his mother a few months earlier put it best when he said the death of the second parent is a very disorienting experience. The loss of the first is hard, no question, but when both are gone, the whole center of your life is taken--they have been at the core of your being since you were old enough to remember anything, and that core is removed.

[pocon1]

I am sitting here with my mom listening to her heavy breathing, but it is regular. When she was moved to the hospital bed she barely looked around and did not seem to be responding to much at all. One of my parent's good friends is a nurse, and she has been helping tremendously. She did feed her some ativan crushed up in a little ice cream to keep her from doing things like trying to get up in the middle of the night. She would not open her eyes for the ice cream, but would make a bad face and not really swallow any of it. Gail (the nurse) said that she would eventually slip into a semi-coma, and then a completely unresponsive coma, and then she would probably have less than 24 hours. She will eventually just stop breathing. It is so hard to just sit here and watch it. I bet my mom would have been happier being eaten by a bear because at least she could have tried to fight it. She would have at least stabbed it, or gouged it in the eyes. Every few minutes the bed makes a hissing sound because an air pump fills up different parts of the bed to prevent bedsores from developing. But as I watch her her eyebrows still occasionally lift, so I know she is not in a coma. I wish I could be strong for her as she has always been so strong for us growing up. She is less than sixty years old; she should be planning her retirement. We should be planning to bring little grandkids to a community in Tucson or South Carolina or something. Grandkids is something that is tough to think about right now. She used to tease me and my wife about her being around to see the grandkids. This was before the cancer returned. We have pushed it off for a couple more years because my wife has just started nursing school. It took a couple years for her to qualify for the program, and she has 1 1/2 years left. She will probably graduate a few months pregnant. But that is probably my one big regret; that my mom will never see her son's children (my sister has a wonderful 12 y.o. boy). I know I never told her much or very well how much I love her and appreciate her, but I do feel that she knows that I do. I will probably go in to work for only a few hours tomorrow.

[maleficent]

Your mom knows you love and appreciate her... as for grandkids-- memories are a wonderful thing as are pictures... start writing down some of your great mom-isms - well maybe not the part about how you had to fetch the spoon for her to spank you with -- you don't want your k ids thinking you were stupid... Save that one for when they are older and parents of their own....

IF you believe in heaven or any kind of afterlife your mom will see her grandchild and she will be watching over... Her memories wil live on in your heart.

She's had a great life with you, and you've have a great life with her...

[james t kirk]

I am very sorry my friend.

My eyes are burning right now.

I lost my mother to pancreatic cancer in April of 99, and my father to lung cancer in April of 2004. Even though I was closer to my mother, my father's passing was ten times harder to endure. I think about my parents every day. I know all too well the space you are in right now.

As cold as this might sound, until you have lost a parent or both, you can't really relate. I know myself before my mother died if I had of read a post like yours, or had been told similar news by a friend, I would have responded with sympathy, but it wouldn't really have affected me. Now I am feeling sick to my stomach because I know all too well everything you are describing. It's humbling, and it's a hard way to die.

Like your mother, my mother was also a teacher. Grade 3 and 4. She worked most of her life teaching kids to read and write. I think that's a noble thing to be remembered for. My mother was only retired for perhaps five years when cancer struck. Like your mother is right now, my mother was 6 years ago. I can still remember it like it was yesterday. I can picture the room she was in, the noise that the IV pump made, the state she was in. How she lingered for days once she was readmitted to the hospital for the last time. How on the first day, there were conversations, after the third day sentences perhaps, and finally, just murmering.

At first when she was diagnosed, you think that they have made a mistake, then you think that you can beat this thing, then you get scared that they might be right, then you hope for a miracle, then you pray for death so that she might know peace at least. When you think that the last breath has to be it, you are amazed that it is followed with even another breath. The will to survive is strong. You wonder which of your relatives already on the other side will come to collect her. You wonder why they haven't come yet. Can't they see that this is just needless suffering. Please come. But she keeps breathing, defying the logic of death.

You spend nights in the hospital with her, your sister spends the days. Neither of you want your mother to die alone. This goes on for a week. Finally when death arrives, you are sleeping in your car on the side of a highway because you are exhausted and can't continue. Your sister who has taken over for the day was actually out of the room while the nurses tended to her. You think to yourself that she probably waited for that exact moment when neither of us were there.

So my friend, I have seen what you are now seeing. You are not alone and I am thinking about you at this moment in a far away place, living your moment of pain and reliving my own. My thoughts go out to you.

If I can offer one thing, that would be to think of this not as good bye, but just as see you in a while.

[KungFuGuy]

I don't know what to say but i want to say something. I was very moved by your post and feel for you. It's very unfortunate. I wish you all the best of luck.

[pocon1]

It is now 1:45 in the morning. My mom has now developed the death rattle. Earlier in the day she would try to cough to clear the junk from her lungs. Now she is too weak to do that, and the fluid builds up. She takes gasping breaths because she is having trouble breathing. My sister is also awake, because there is nothing else to do, and there is a feeling of not wanting to leave. My stepfather has finally fallen asleep, and I know he is exhausted. My wife is also asleep. At 3:30 this afternoon a female priest came by the house to give the last rites and then to discuss memorial service options. She was very nice and answered many questions we had. We will have a service on the 16th of July which will be catered and allow friends and family from afar to visit. My mom's friend Gail came by again. She and her visiting sister are both nurses. The gave my mom another sponge bath and explained the death process to us. We have all told her that she can let go, and that she has lived her life well. Gail and her sister explained that some people want everyone around them when they die, and others wait until no one is in the room. I don't know what to think. I don't feel any anger, just sadness. My mom battled her cancer so hard, and for so long. Now I listen to her drowning in her own spit and there is nothing I can really do. Gail said that you don't have to be there if you have made your peace, but of course no one wants to feel guilty about not being there. Now that I know my mom is going to die and is unresponsive, it is hard waiting for it to happen. You just want her to let go, so that she does not suffer anymore.

[quadro2000]

I have been reading this thread all along, but hesitated on contributing because I felt I had nothing worthwhile to say. I just wanted to let you know that you've been in my thoughts since you started this thread, and will continue to be.

[pocon1]

It is now 5:30 in the afternoon. The priest who will preside over the memorial came by to discuss the memorial service. I ended up choosing the various readings that will be done. I am not religious or spiritual, so I ended up taking the more moderate and less preachy readings. Some of them your may be familiar with. The gospel is the one "in my father's house there are many rooms". Of course the 23rd psalm is in there. We have so much food in the house, because everyone who comes by brings more. It is a good thing there are two refrigerators in the house.
We are going to have three people speak for my mom at the memorial. Me, my stepfather, and a friend. I have this divided up into my head the three roles of my mom; mother, wife, and teacher/professional. After the memorial service we will gather in the rectory (basement) to eat, and receive guests who want to talk. I expect a lot of tears and a lot of people coming up to me saying "you've grown! I used to work with your mother." It is going to be hard to talk about my mother in front of everyone. It will be tough maintaining my composure, but I want to do it. My sister feels that she will not be able to do it, so I will be speaking for both of us.
Some of what helps through this is still being able to laugh. for instance, the nurse who came by today suggested tylenol suppositories for my mother. She changed her mind after seeing the look on my stepfather's face. When we were talking about it later, I said "I don't want mom to wake up and have her last words to me be "get your finger out of my ass"."
Otherwise, we watch a lot of tv and then think about our mother dying and then cry some more. It is so tough waiting, because there is nothing more for her. Things feel like they are at a standstill and that our lives cannot move forward until hers is done. It sounds selfish, but you want her to go so that she is not suffering and you can go on with your life. Because after all, isn't that what any good mother wants for her children?

If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to ask. This is cathartic for me, and I am writing because it helps me unburden, and maybe it will help some of you deal with the future loss of your loved ones. My mother is not the first person to die on this earth, and she will not be the last. How you go about living is what is important. I hope that I can do as well as my mother.

[Craven Morehead]

peace....... I wish you peace.

[maleficent]

When I did a reading at my best friends memorial service, I was having a hard time finding a reading that didn't make me feel like a hypocrite... So - I went with literature instead...

I read a few passages from "The Little Prince" by Antoine De Saint Exupery - the quote that chokes me up every time (besides reading this thread)

"In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars are laughing, when you look at the sky at night...you-only you-will have stars that can laugh!"

"And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me. You will always be my friend. You will want to laugh with me. And you will sometimes open your window, so, for that pleasure... and your friends w ill be properly astonished to see you laughing as you look up at the sky! Then you will say to them, 'Yes, the stars always make me laugh!' And they will think you are crazy. It will be a very shabby trick that I shall have played on you..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your mom is going to be very proud of you for all you've done for her til now, and all you are going to do in the future ...

Ok, so in an effort to get you to think about somehting else for a moment - -What kinds of food have been delivered? Anything tasty?

Still sending good thoughts your way

[pocon1]

Costco cookies are good. We also have two costco pizzas to heat up. Last night was costco chicken rotisserie. As a matter of fact, Leila, who brought over all of the costco food just brought over her new laptop to have my stepfather set it up. Her husband died of a heart attack a little over a month ago, so she and my stepfather have been using each other as sounding boards.

[maleficent]

It's good that your stepfather has someone he can talk to... While I'm sure y'all are there for one another, there's got to be a world of difference between losing a parent and losing a spouse.

[uncle phil]

Originally Posted by quadro2000

I have been reading this thread all along, but hesitated on contributing because I felt I had nothing worthwhile to say. I just wanted to let you know that you've been in my thoughts since you started this thread, and will continue to be.

same here...i believe you're expressing your emotions admirably...

[Elphaba]

Pocon, I marvelled at my mother's strength during the last weeks of my father's life. She told me that they had spoken often about his impending death, what was wished for, and all that they needed to say to each other. Perhaps that is where your step-father's strength is coming from...he and your mother have done the same.

Your mother's memorial is on the same day that my family will celebrate my father's life. I will think of you that day. Maybe we will both look to the sky for laughing stars.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

[pocon1]

So we were all up at 4:30 because my mom was hiccuping again. It is a scary sound because she does not close her mouth, and it is just a spasm, so you don't recognize what it is at first. I was the one who pointed out what it was this morning. So we are all sitting there listening to it, and I said "the hard part will be getting her into a headstand and making her drink apple juice". You see, this is one of the hiccup cures that my parents foisted on me and my sister when we were younger. This brought a good laugh fom everyone, except of course the person with hiccups. So now I sit here at 6:40 in the morning, while the rest of the family sleeps. No one wants to leave her completely alone, because we want to be there when she slips away.

[Daoust]

We're still here with you, and we will continue to be, even though our 'presence' is limited. I really feel for you and your family at this time.

[ShaniFaye]

Im sorry, I have to laugh...between your comment about the suppositories and the hiccups...I am laughing...but its a respectful laugh I promise

[pocon1]

Shani, it is good to laugh, you have to to cope. That is why the Irish have wakes to celebrate life.

[astrahl]

I, too, didn't want to write because I thought I had nothing to add, but I can't help but feel the ache of another person's pain in my own heart. I wish there was more than the black and white blankness of words on a screen to help convey my warmest regards for you and your family.

I am very pleased that you have this tfp outlet for your emotions though...I learned the hard way that holding in that grief is debilitating.

We are all sending positive thoughts you way, and this too shall pass.