Do You Like To be Needed?
 

This seems like a simple question but i think it says allot about different personalities.


Do YOU like to be needed??

Thoughts, feelings, opinions?

This can be emotionally or otherwise, but do you enjoy the feeling when other people need you?

myself, yes, i like to be needed. for multiple reasons and simply because on a primary level it is validating.



Sweetpea

Yes, I like to be needed... the validating part is significant, but on days when I am feeling really down, it helps me to pull my head out of my ass and take a good look around. It helps me to see when others are vulnerable, and also encourages me to be more vulnerable and ask for aid when I really need it. When people get too independent then they stop needing anything from other people, and that can be a real drag if the relationship is valuable to you and is based on reciprocity.

Of course, I don't like to be OVERLY needed... that drags me down to where I start to resent the other person for what they can't provide for themselves. Ironic, since I tend to get quite needy myself... but we all go back and forth, what can I say.

Best thing I've tried to do is try to figure out what my needs are, which ones of them are actually reasonable, and then articulate them clearly when the time is right. I can only hope that others do the same with me... though usually, life gets so messy that it's all we can do to just say "help!" and hope that someone's willing to take care of us for a little while.

Yep, I definitely need to be needed. I've never really been sure why, but I imagine validation needs are part of it. I find this especially true at work - I enjoy being the go-to person. But you're right, Abaya - there are limits. I don't want to need anyone else to the point of co-dependence, and neither do I wish to be needed that way. Any phrase such as "I can't live without you" scares me. "How did I get along without you?" is okay. :D Just enough to know I'm an important part of their life, and that I'm USEFUL - that's a big part for me, I really enjoy being useful.

I think everyone would like to be needed. Its comforting to know that another being relies on you and your existence,

Its a good thing imho,

rcr

I'd much rather be wanted than needed. Wanted means that the person actually wants me to be there, needed implies, at least in my cynical world, that any one would do, I'm the first person that they encountered.

I've gotten phone calls at all hours of the night... I need to talk to you ... (OK, no one else picked up the phone) I want to talk to you... (I was your only choice)

I like to be needed. and after reading Maleficent's post, I like to be wanted too. It depends on who is needing/wanting me. My children need me to take care of them and teach them how to take care of themselves. I would hope that my husband wants me, to be there to do things with and talk to, and does not need me like my children do.

I don't like dealing with needy people, therefore I don't like being needed.


I like to think that I'm a reasonably nice guy, I help people out when I can and try to do special things for the people in my life. I actually enjoy doing things for people. Some people have a hard time seperating a gift of time or money from an obligation to continue doing the same. I have no interest in picking up any more responsiblity.


I like being desired and appreciated, I do not like being needed.

I don't like the pressure implicit in "need".

I've recently realized, though, that the need to be wanted pretty much rules my life.

Is this not one of Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs?

To ask if I like to be needed is like saying "Do you like shelter? How about food and water?"

Well, being needed is at the top of the list, and as long as all of my other needs are met, then yes, I very much enjoy being needed. The social connection that exists is a powerful one.

I am feeling the last few days that I am not really needed at work. It is not a good feeling. I am therefore busting my ass to show everybody how critical I am to team success.

If you asked me if being needed was more important than water, then I would have to say no.

I like to be needed as much as I will like to have food and shelter when I finally get out of college. I sure wouldn't be able to have either of them without being needed by somebody. Otherwise, I don't find it much use to me to like it... that will only make me need more and more of it to feel complete, and nobody owes me that.

That's a good point - I can/will live without it, it's just a preference to have someone need me around - but again, NOT to a unhealthy/codependent degree.

I'd rather be wanted than needed, too, but being needed is like crack to me. I'm one of those helpful people who's always there when you have a problem. I do that for my job, I do that in my personal life, I do it with my family. I looooooove being needed.

I like to be needed. I like my friends and family to know that they can count on me. If there is anything I can do to help someone I care about, I'll do everything I can to do it. Eh, sometimes even for strangers but I'd rather not adverstise that.

Being wanted is a better feeling for obvious reasons. It's all good as long as neither get out of hand.

If you think you arent cared about, stop paying your bills for a while...

Anywho, I'd consider being wanted/needed to be one of the basic needs of a rational human. We are social animals, and fitting into the group is a part of us on the genetic level. Just look at our close primate relatives; they tend to stay in groups for protection and a better quality of life. The same instinct still exists in us.

Hmmmm. Well, I don't need to be needed but it is a nice feeling. Especially if I am being truly useful to someone. Kind of gives me a feeling of worth.

I agree with this. I've found that when I go out of my way to help someone they begin to expect this kind of behavior from me and because I can never find a good reason for saying "no" to their requests,and so I end up becoming their doormat. What bothers me most is that when you help someone who "needs" something, many times they feel no desire to help you in return.

I'd much rather live in the woods by myself, content in self-sufficiency.

^ Disk Pusher, I agree, I have some friends who are like this. They take way more than they give, and it makes me not want to be very close to them. Every time they call I just think they want something from me instead of just wanting to talk with me.

However, I don't think EVERYONE in the world is like this, even if I am cynical at times. I think many people realize that reciprocity is key, and that you ought to give back what you have been given, in time and energy if not in monetary or other tangible ways. It's these relationships that are worth my time, and which make me feel glad to be needed.

(Are there any woods left in Fresno?) ;)

wow, there are some great replies and clarifications, thank you everyone so far.

Being wanted and being needed are two different things and everyone seems to have their own definitions, but these two things can Elicit similar feelings.

Being wanted seems to be regarded generally as positive

being needed seems to be on the negative stance and something that can go to far or be contingent on how much the other individual gives/needs you in return.

sweetpea

I'll agree with everyone, basically. I like being wanted, though not by too many people, and needed on occasion though sometimes it can make me uncomfortable. It really depends on the relation, if it's kids, being needed to protect them, etc, is fine, if its between 2 adults, may not be healthy for one or both parties.

Do I like to be needed?
I would have to say yes, depending on how one defines "need". If I define it as supplying basic sustenance, then my children need me and I like the feeling that I am nurturing life.

On an adult level, I would have to say no. Being wanted for my opinion or skills is better than being needed. Somehow, when I think of someone saying “I need your help” on something implies to me that they are not willing to put in some work figuring it out for themselves. Now if they say, “I want your help” with the implication that we would be working on whatever it is together and they might better themselves so they can do it alone the next time, that is a better feeling for me.

Thinking for a second about the types of people that might like to be needed, I would say doctors and other critical care personnel might fall into this category. When a person is really injured and “needs” a doctor, the doctor would know that and he/she might just feed off that emotion.

generally, no I don't like to be needed.

it depends tho. needed on a more intellectual basis is easier for me than needed on an emotional basis.

I am a really independent sort, and I have a hard time dealing with those who are notiseably dependant.

and i am really not a caretaker type.

so in those cases, being needed can tend to drive me insane.

feeling useful, and perhaps even a necessary part of something, on the other hand, does usually make me feel more worth/value.

eh, i guess it just depends on the situation.

This is a really good way of putting it. I think my confusion was over the way I learned to differentiate between the two; I always associated saying "I want" as being selfish, whereas saying "I need" is being clear and honest with what one really needs to be happy. But maybe it's just semantics. I like your definitions, anyway, and I will work to make them part of my thought patterns.

I do like to be needed and wanted. Sometimes I think a certain friend of mine doesn't need me or want me but then he does things that give himself away...and it's so sweet when he does.

I like being both wanted and needed.

I prefer wanted for all of the reasons that everyone here has said. One of my closer friends always comes to me and tells me that he wants to talk if he has a problem, and I love that he comes to me. The same goes for my Love. Whenever he's upset or sick or something like that I enjoy it when he comes to me. When people have other choices, and they still come to me for help first, it gives you a warm fuzzy feeling. And who doens't like warm fuzzies?

I also like being needed though. That's why I volunteer at the sexual education centre at school. When people just want to talk to anyone who knows something, or just wants a neutral anonymous conversation to help them sort out things. It feels good to help.

Both.

Wanted by my husband, needed by my child.

I definitely love to feel wanted. Almost to the point of being needed, but I don't like feeling like I've been glommed onto by a suckerfish. I'm not opposed to someone affectionately telling me that they need me, though. :p

If someone says they need me... I back off. I really don't think any one person 'needs' any other 'one' person. Yes we are social beings but I don't think anybody really ever 'needs' another in particular. That to me seems obsessive and unhealthy.

Wanting someones opinion, help, perspective or plain interaction is flattering and as cellophanediety said, warm and fuzzy. I think this is more key to the human condition more so than need.

So...

All of us like to be wanted.

And most of us like to be needed, as long as we can set specific boundaries.

this has been really interesting so far. thank you everyone again for your contributions.

Sweetpea

The first time I'm needed, I'll let you know how I like it :p

Hey Carn, I really need someone to clean my kitchen... interested?

Welll... for you, anything :)

But you don't really need me. Anyone could do it :p

I personally do not like to be needed, emotionally or physically anyway. I would prefer that everyone had the ability to be completely independent in those ways (in the simplest forms anyway), but that they just like having me around. ;)

Being needed in my job/profession on the other hand, would be nice just for job security.

i love being needed, i suppose.

i think of it as being the person who can make things right...and sometimes it's because i'm the only one around, sometimes becuase i'm the one that they can trust, whatever.

i've grown to love needing people, too. in a way it's harder...but equally rewarding.

i like the feeling, but I liken the feeling of being needed and wanted as that of the same as a drug. It becomes something that we crave from others.

I prefer to try to just be.

I don't feel it much, but when I do, it feels good. I think the biggest problem is that I usually drive people away with my annoying actions and statements.

I love when I am needed for anything. I am not happy unless I have 22 things going at once, this one needs me for that, that one needs me for this, (if we could only get the two together), I'm talking on the phone, folding laundry, I have 7 unanswered PM's and 16 unanswered e-mails, food is boiling over on the stove, the doorbell is ringing and and the dog is a barking. **Heaven, I'm in heaven.**

I love being sincerely loved by others... and in a way I would hope that their love makes them want me... to the point of needing me.

Very Eloquently Put amonkie!

Sweetpea

Near the end of "Say Anything", Lloyd is in the gym, when the girlfriend who earlier dumped him on her father's recommendation comes to him for comfort when she finds out her father is a crook.

She tells him she needs him and tries to hug him for comfort. He backs off for a second, and asks her, "Are you here because you need someone or because you need me?" He pauses, and before she can answer says, "Never mind. I don't care." and takes her in his arms.

As she takes comfort there, she replies, overlapping slightly, "I need you."

It's a wonderful bit of dialog from an underrated movie. She doesn't really answer his question. He'd rather be needed and wanted by her, but is willing to settle for being needed, and is happy to be the one she chose in her time of need. In a romantic relationship, need is a lesser form of connection than want.

From my own life, I can say that Grace doesn't need me in her life. I make her happy, we've built a life together, we intend to be together for the rest of our lives; but she doesn't need me. It's comforting that her being with me is something she chooses of her own free will, not something she does out of obligation.

On the other hand, Sissy needs me. She needs someone to provide for her the resources that my family didn't, the support that she cannot get anywhere else. I give it to her because she needs it, and because Grace and I are the only ones who are around willing to provide it, and because I love her. Someday, she won't need us anymore, she'll finish college and get a job, or find a man and get what she needs from him, or she'll just grow and mature to the point where she can be independant. Until then, I'll be there to guide and protect her, as will Grace.

Which is the stronger relationship? Neither, really. They're just different. Being needed, by Sissy, by a pregnant 13-year-old afraid to talk to her parents, by students with no other stable adults in their lives, this validates me in a way that being wanted doesn't. It makes me feel as if I'm not disposable. Being wanted fulfills me in a way that being needed doesn't.

One more example. I don't need sweetpea in my life, but having her there for me makes me very, very happy; I do want her there.

Yes, I like to be needed. But being needed is draining in a way being wanted isn't. Being wanted fills you up; being needed drains you. Both can be worthy experiences, and I don't want to be without both in my life.

On the other hand, I need Grace in a way she doesn't need me, and I'm forever grateful that she doesn't seem to see this as a burden. She's a giver, in a profession that is about serving people in need. That I need her, and love her, and want her all seem to be sustaining things. She thrives on helping people in need. We're all wired differently.

Most people I've met who get enjoyment out of "being needed" are really just codependent. No, I don't get anything frmo someone "needing" me. I enjoy it when people appreciate spending time with me.

i dont LIKE to be needed....i NEED to be needed.

i can be really insecure and i need to know that i have a special role to play in each persons life...especially my SO..i need to be reassured of it.

Although several people have expressed similar opinions, I think SiN said it in the way I relate to most.

I'm not much of one for being needed, and I tend to shrug off or resent any such obligations. That's why I've never had any children, for example. However, when I look at my life I observe that I have structured it in such a way that I am needed on a smaller scale - I always have some pets (but they are cats) and I do very much enjoy feeling useful. If my boyfriend or other loved one is sick, I happily provide for him and take pleasure in being there but I could never be a nurse or member of another helping profession. I'm very independent so being needed feels like getting caught up in tentacles and I'd generally avoid something like that on principle, even though I've noticed that I tend to take on a responsible role in life and haven't been the free and easy type due to a lot of obligations. My general stance, though, tends to be that I just want people to leave me alone - to the point that I've gone years without even letting more than a few people know where I lived. That doesn't mean I don't deal with issues of isolation and loneliness though, so I guess I'm just a conflicted person on some level.

I'm surprised at how many people here responded that they don't like to be needed, since I have the impression that most people enjoy this type of relationship a lot more than I do, if only because of the sheer numbers who have children. To me that is the ultimate needy relationship (from conception) and the very thought gives me the shudders.

Hmm, I never thought of it that way. I kind of hope to have children one day (maybe), but I always thought of it as being something I would do when I was in a more selfless stage of life. Obviously a child would need its mother as long as it remained a child... but I wouldn't want it to be a relationship created for the sake of being needed. I like to think that I would have a child and deal with its needing me as an investment toward love (my own and my child's) in the future: need being a means and not an end.

Hmm, I think I need to broaden my perception of need based on my child, as I was only looking at the independant relationships aspect.

I have found being needed by my child very limiting and restrictive personally. It has presented a real struggle within myself over the years. The first few years I was happy to deal with my childs needs and being needed and when she was smaller it was an experience that gave me a feeling of worth and importance to at least someones life.

As my child has now grown older and come into her own personality I find I have backed off and have now started to distance any emotional need so she can become independant in herself with only a guiding hand, so to speak. Though during this time I have also wanted to do things for myself, but found I can't because I am still needed as a mother. I find this difficult to deal with as I feel I am stuck and have no real options of my own. It is very difficult sometimes to 'not resent' her even though I do not regret one moment.

Perhaps having children when you are settled and with a partner, and you are happy in your place in the world is a different story. I can only imagine that it is.

I don't want to be needed. I don't need to be wanted. So says the life quitter.

I like to be wanted. Sometimes I like being needed too but there are times when I get tired of it. I am sometimes needed by others so much that I am unable to take time to care for my own needs. I like to be the first choice but usually I don't want to be the only choice. Most of the time I'm needed too much so I guess I would have to say that I dislike it.

Seeker - I understand those feelings. I am married, I have my own house, I still feel quite stuck at times. The feelings come and go though. They are worse when I can't even find a sitter for a couple hours.

I really like for an employer to 'need' me. When I find a job position, my first goal in my job is to fill all possible needs for me and to learn things that no one else is able or has time to do so that I'm indispensible. I've yet to be fired and I was only laid off once and asked back again later. Need can be a good thing in the right place.

Raeanna, I agree with your first statement... I like the way you put it. I, too, enjoy being someone's "first alert" person, the person they want to tell/ask everything... it helps me feel honored and validated (a bit like what Kinky Kiwi was saying a few posts ago).

But being the ONLY person, no, that's crossing a line... and I think that's why I don't want to have children right now. Because basically, you are their first and only person to go-to (as well as the father, but usually the mom ends up with the most responsibility since moms are more pro-active, in my observation)... and that's too much "need" for me. Seems like kids don't really "want" you as a parent until they're in their 20s and 30s, at least.

My mother used me to fill several huge gaps in her life, and many times I feel like she has always needed me more than she wanted me. That's not a good foundation for a mother-daughter relationship, and I don't ever want my own kids (if I were to have them) to feel that way. I don't ever want to resent my kids, either, no matter how good the trade-offs are. Maybe that's being idealistic? I don't know.

Raeanna, your second statement about being stuck... I wonder how many mothers feel that way. That's another feeling I never want to have, with having kids... again, I am very selfish, but I just have so much I want to do with my life that would be messed up by having kids.

I spent my whole life creating distance from my needy mother, so why would I spend the rest of it creating distance from needy kids?

I know a number of mothers who have the same feeling. MOST of them are stay-at-home moms. I find my feelings of being 'stuck' come about most often in January. I have a home day care and have multiple children in my home all day and in January up in Wisconsin you can't get out much with children. The time it takes to bundle up little ones and get them out and back in to the bathroom and back out again is such a hassle. Plus you can't really let them out to play in below 0 F temperatures such as we usually have most of Jan. I have found ways of getting past the feelings by giving myself time out alone without the kids before I get tired of the kids.

For me I don't feel stuck career wise because teaching was my chosen profession. I enjoy working with kids and I have built a faithful customer base and reputation that will follow me anywhere. Hubby also supports me if I chose to go out into the work force and close my daycare. He supports my business as well. I have choices and when I remind myself that this is my choice I feel free.

My mother is strongly co-dependent. She's so strongly that way that she will find imaginary learning disabilities in her husband or grandchildren so that she can "test" them, diagnose them, and give them homework. She does this very frequently. I have since found ways of giving her "needs" to fill and she's forgotten about my daughter's supposed ADHD for quite a while now.

Being needed can be nice but needing to be needed is a problem.

Very much so. Not to the point where it's a drag though. Mostly I want to be needed by my SO. When I start feeling like they could get along just fine without me, I start thinking maybe I should be preparing myself to get along without them. Then I usually break up with them. It's not the best recourse, but I don't want to be with someone that wouldn't be too affected if I weren't in their life.

*bump*

I just wanted to comment that i've changed since i started this thread a year ago And it's interesting to me to see my own personal progress.

There is a clear difference between someone "needing" you and someone "wanting" you.

I don't think I like to be needed anymore, a year ago, I think I was going through a period in my life, where I needed to be needed, but i've certainly changed when it comes to that and now I don't really want or appreciate that kind of dependency 24/7... Now, sure there are still times when it's healthy and important to need people. When I have something going on and I need the people in my life to be my support system, I do need them during those moments.

But I do still like to be 'wanted.' And I love when the people I care about in my life "want" me on all those different levels. :) To be wanted is a positive thing, i think we can all agree on that.

Anyone else have any thoughts to offer on this? Do you still feel the same way as when you posted a year ago? Any New members wish to comment on this topic?

sweetpea

I don't think I've ever had someone need me, so I'm still the same now as a year ago, in that regard. I don't need anyone, and I never really have. I haven't met anyone who affected me so much that I needed them.

As far as being wanted, I'm sure everyone likes to be wanted, because it plays up to people's vanity. Everyone likes to be liked, everyone likes to feel wanted. There are however, certain people who I wish didn't want me, so I guess liking being wanted kinda depends on the person who wants me. Although it still is nice for the ego to think that people want you, no matter who it is. There are also certain people who I wish I didn't want, but that is another story.

Yea I like to be needed. I like to feel as if I am of some use. I'm not a needy but I enjoy being of use.

Being needed by those around you (if I have kids this could change) is stifling. If people need me, they are not really choosing to be with me, they are merely fufilling their needs which by definition require fufillment. It's something completely different and wonderful to be wanted.

Being thought of or chosen is a great feeling anytime, really.

Yup, I still feel the same way and the answer is even simpler for me to express than it was a year ago: no, I don't like to be needed. Whether it's fair that I should feel this way or not, needy people threaten the stability of the way I choose to live. Being needy is an old addiction of mine, and as much as I like to think I've been completely rehabilitated... it scares the crap out of me to go anywhere near it. I'm rather intolerant of neediness because of this. I'm even more intolerant of people who try to convince me that it's okay to be a little bit needy sometimes, because if I want to go down that road (even a little bit), I'll choose to do it myself thank you.

Of course, I don't believe that intolerance based on fear is a good thing, by any means. My emotional health and security just heavily outweigh that particular belief right now. I hope that in time I can reconcile these two things.

ummm...but I need to watch you eat ice cream.

It's an amazing feat!

If there was an ice cream eating contest and that hot dog eating guy was there I'm gonna put my money on The Supple Cow for the win.

Yes, I feel the same as I posted previously. Perhaps I'll elaborate. In terms of how they manifest themselves, needing and wanting can be very similar, but there can be a huge difference in motivation. If someone needs me, that implies that there is some deficiency within themselves that I help fill. Perhaps someone has low self-esteem and needs me to validate them. Like I said before, enjoying being needed is, as I see it, a symptom of co-dependency: the needer feels validated by the person they need, and the needed feels validated by the fact they are needed. There is little healthy about this type of relationship.

Being wanted is, of course, something that is pleasurable for most anyone. Often times though, a person having a great deal of want for another person can be misinterpreted as having need for that person. For example, if someone gets a great deal of enjoyment out of spending a lot of time with another person and misses that person tremendously when they are not able to spend time together, that is often interpreted as being needy. I don't think that is necessarily so. Enjoying another person's companionship to such an extent that the absence of that person or their companionship is saddening does not inherently imply need. In this way, intense feelings of appreciation and want for another person can sometimes be misinterpreted as neediness if the person being wanted is not careful to look at the situation and ask "why does this other person enjoy my companionship so much?"

The difference between needing and wanting lies primarily in motivations rather than actions. In both cases, one person may want to spend a great deal of time with the other person and may feel saddened when it is not possible to do so for some reason. The difference is that wanting is a reciprocal relationship and needing is a symbiotic relationship. The wanter gets great enjoyment out of companionship with the wanted and also wants for the wanted to get the same enjoyment out of their companionship with the wanter. Sadness comes from the lack of fulfilling that want or from the lack of that want being returned by the wanted. The needer, on the other hand, gets great enjoyment out of the needed filling whatever deficiency the needer feels, and also out of the needed getting enjoyment out of filling that deficiency. The needer/needed relationship is based on each person getting something different out of the relationship whereas the wanter/wanted relationship is based on both persons playing both roles and getting the same thing out of the relationship. Often times when the wanted does not feel the same want for the wanter, the wanter can be seen as someone who is needy. In these cases, the wanted tends not to look deeply enough to see the motivations behind the desires of the wanter as opposed to simply looking at the desires themselves.

Sometimes, I think, it is best for the wanted to first verify that the wanter is wanting as opposed to needing and then to accept the wanting as the gift of companionship that it is and allow themselves to become open to reciprocating that wanting. This openness is what leads to deep, meaningful, and healthy connections between people...and the resistance to such openness is one of the reasons I think such connections are so rare. Most deep connections are the result of lucky timing, where both persons are feeling open to wanting and being wanted. If more people would open themselves up to wanting and being wanted when someone else expresses a want for that person (as opposed to a need), I think we would have many more deep connections with others than we do today.

thank you to Carno, Johnb. SuppleCow and Toaster126 for sharing your thoughts.

also, thank you Secretmethod for sharing your thoughts.
The above quote from you is something that really struck me. Because it's so true. Lucky timing indeed for the most part when connections like these do happen.
But, you're right. If we were all a little more open to such connections and accepted them when they came along as something positive, there might be a lot more fulfilled people walking around in this world.

sweetpea

How true... how many of our friendships are by chance or casual encounters? Personally, I'd have to say just about all of them. Just another reminder to put the happy face on and be friendly. You never know.

I think being wanted is something that I tend to take for granted. I appreciate being loved and being wanted because of it a great deal more satisfying. I appreciate being needed more in the vein of when I'm gone for a period of time, my SO realizes how much I contribute to the household.

I think before I can answer this question a clear definition of needed has to be established.

Is there anyone in this world who could not survive without me? No and that's how it should be. In mature relationships (note that children and other dependents are not included under that umbrella) that level of need is unhealthy and unsatisfying. That's the point where it becomes restricting.

Do I want to be 'needed' in the sense that people depend on me? Well, yeah. I'd like to think that I'm making a mark on this world. It bothers me a bit that I could die tomorrow and there would be no real negative consequences, aside from grief caused. There is no one in my life who needs me; I have two close friends who are both every bit as independent as I am, my family drifts further apart by the day and I am very much a non-essential member of the team at work (one could argue that there is no such thing as an essential team member in my line of work). There are those who would be upset by my death, but I recognize that none of those people need me in any meaningful sense of the word.

The contradiction to that is that I am very independent. I'm stubborn and emotionally guarded and have big issues with needing others in my life. I needed my ex-girlfriend; she provided me with love, validation and somewhere to lean when I just didn't have enough strength of my own. Not having her in my life isn't going to kill me. I am still independent and I still suffer through like I always have, but I also recognize that I'm worse off for not having her. That's a level of need that I don't think is bad; I have a feeling that this is what BigBen and others were referring to. If it's taken to the level of co-dependency, if I am unable to function through daily life without someone, then it's unhealthy. But there is a level of it that is okay.

Being wanted goes without saying. Nobody wants to be alone.

I like being useful and appreciated. Does that mean I like being needed and wanted? Maybe, to some extent. Does it mean that I don't see the need for boundaries on either of those things? No. I do see the need for boundaries, probably above everything else.

But I still think it's okay that I desire to feel useful and appreciated by people other than myself (though the self's value is most important), and I try to ask for these things in a fair manner if I feel I am being denied them. This happened most recently with my boss (on Monday), and I am very glad I stood up for myself at last. It happens at times with ktspktsp (both ways) when we take each other for granted. It doesn't happen so much with my parents, though I wish it would... they are just too much in their own world to recognize what goes on in mine.

I would venture to say that need and want are cultural universals. It's funny how we sit around and debate the difference between the two... a result of the Western preoccupation with mental health, I suppose. (Not a bad thing, just pointing out that this kind of debate probably only happens for Western people who are middle-class and higher. I'd guess that most of the poor just plain *need* each other, to survive and to not go insane, because they cannot have most of what they *want.*) Maslow's hierarchy of need... no pun intended.

But perhaps I have digressed (thanks to my social networks analysis course this afternoon)...

I disagree. I know some people who want to be alone. I know a couple that need to be alone.

If you'd asked me 3 years ago, that would've been my preference.

Such a thought provoking thread, Sweetpea. I'm a social worker. If people didn't need me, I'd be out of a job. And frequently, they need me. After awhile, I've found that I can get quite resentful of the people that need me to overfunction for them. Meeting simple needs is quite fulfilling for me.

Being needed on a constant basis contributed to a huge bout of compassion fatigue that I went through earlier in the year. I was overwhelmed at work by five different families that seemed to need something every single day. I set some boundaries, encouraged self-sufficiency, and now they call when they want my help.

As for personal relationships, I'm learning new things on a daily basis, having found myself back in my on-again, off-again relationship. The previous time we'd broken up, I realized I didn't need him, that I could live without him quite easily, but I didn't want to. When I was able to verbalize it to him and smack myself upside the head, things went much smoother. And luckily for both of us, he came to the same conclusion for himself. I'm in a healthy, non-needy relationship and I love it. Had I not been so needy for something from him to validate myself, we might not have been through the bumps in the past few years. I love to be wanted. I love that he comes home and sees me out for physical contact of any kind because he wants to be near me for a few minutes. I also like that he doesn't need me like he used to--as his coping mechanism. That we've both graduated from needing each other like a drug, to wanting to be around each other... but not 24/7. I can't handle that at work and then again at home.

Needed, maybe, that's nice, too, but more than that, I want to be respected, and my work acknowledged. My boss at work is lazy, and rides my ass for stuff that he should have taken care of, and accuses me of things that I didn't do, and doesn't recognize what I (and my coworker) do. It pisses us both off, and makes work a pain in the butt. Needed isn't bad...it's nice to be needed, but it's better, in my opinion, to just be appreciated, and recognized.