An open letter to the fine folks at my local Lowe's
 

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That, my friend, is priceless.

It only takes one bad experience to ruin a shopping place. Can't wait to read about the rest of the story :)

^^^^ funny

And that's why I shop at my neighborhood hardware store or maybe Home Depot.

Go to Home Depot. I've never had any luck with them either.

It's the world of home construction I guess. If a man is crazy enough to think he can build a new deck on his house in a three day span then he's dumb enough to work at Home Depot or Lowes. I'm not knockin' everyone that works there but Jesus Christ on a cracker... What the point of having a job if don't know what it is.


I went to my local Home Depot the other day to get two 2X4s. No big deal. Wrong. The fucktard that helped me couldn't find 'em. Yeah... 2X4s. The main staple for every weekend warrior's projects. Didn't know where they were. Then when we finally found them, they looked like a four year old had cut them. I hadn't seen wood that crooked since that guy flashed me in the park when I was 12. I left and went down the street to the next Home Depot.

Home Depot: The Starbucks of Home Improvment.

huzzah to the chain-store employees pulled from the dregs of society! a hillarious and well-worded account sir.

Rest assured that Long John Skilbeard will be fired and sunsequently hired by a local Home Depot, the people who,it seems, go miles out of their way to find the least qualified, least helpful, least intelligent "associates" in any retailenvironment anywhere. Oh, and the'll giv ehim an eyepatch, a nice orange one with HD stenciled across it.

Don't give up on your other store, you had a bad day, this too will pass. Have faith that the sludge will settle to the bottom, and the light will emerge, and the tool you're looking for will be found, right where it's supposed to be.

Good luck, matey!

Peace,

Pierre

Yeah, I've had some maddening experiences at the Lowes in North Bergen.

Unfortunately, fucked up though they mosty certainly are, Lowes is worlds better than dealing with that orange snake-pit of worm-brained fools called Home Depot.

Let's face it, since those bastards rolled up all the local chain hardware stores (rickles, channel, etc.) leaving only Ace and a couple smaller mom and pop places, the arcane knowledgebase of tools and their uses has declined considerably.

I hear people asking questions at HD sometimes and I have all I can do not to turn on the orange-garbed baboon and smash its head with a crowbar. The vast majority of them are stupid beyond belief. Some of them are barely competent to remember to breath regularly. I'm certain that many fiction writers are inspired by the orange driods to regale us with their own versions the semi-dead, the undead, and the zone-implanted, zombie-like creatures who can exist with basic motive force, yet be completely without higher brain function.

The only decent thing I've seen out of Home Depot in the last few years is the playboy set, girls of home depot.

I use my local little Mom & Pop hardware store, wherever possible. That's not to say that I do not ever go to Lowes, or Home Depot, but I much prefer that my "home improvement dollar" go to where it's appreciated a little more. It may be a little more expensive, but what price is service, knowledge, the fact that they actually know my name and can be relied upon to provide a cup of hot coffee, or a free bag of popcorn and a yarn or two? Any questions that I have are answered promptly, courteously and accurately.

Funny thing...Home Depot is really no better but you can (depending on where you live) see the HD girls of Playboy strolling the aisles. The thing to do is talk to a few of the people there so that you can learn who is helpful and who isn't. I make a point of talking to a few of the HD peeps every time I go in and I've learned the Ken and Diane are two people who are good for damn near everything in the store. Diane more power tools and Ken more for paint and lawn/garden stuff. I met Diane one day when I was looking for something in the plumbing aisle and just for grins I asked her if she knew anything about the in-line (or tankless) water heaters. She was so happy to tell me everything she knew. Right away I knew she was a keeper. :D And she aint hard on the eyes either...;)

We don't have a Home Depot within 20 miles; but a new one is coming in right down the way, directly across the street from a local lumberyard/hardware store with a very knowledgeable staff. Half their business is to the trade, but us weekend numbnuts are welcome too and get great service. Be interesting to see what happens.

My local Mom & Pop hardware stores are all going under thanks to the Home Depot. I only shop at Home Depot because there is no where else to get the stuff. The employees for the most part are less intelligent than monkeys, but I don't think even monkeys would work for that little pay!

An open letter, part 2
 

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Is it truly some sad commentary on my life, that I'm anxiously awaiting the outcome of this, as though it were some sort of cheesy soap opera?

*sigh*
I need to find more to do...that is become increasingly more apparent to me.

Hell, this is better than any soap opera on tv, and yes, I have no life either. I wonder if the next one comes with popcorn.... yummy!

"Long John Simpleton"

HA HA HA HA HA HA! Brilliant writing, my friend.

Now THAT is officially a compliment, coming from you. Thank you.

I think lots of people are watching this thread with bated breath...

On a side note regarding the Mom/Pop v. HD/Lowe's stuff...the Mom/Pop hardware store near my parents' place just went out of business. The nearest Lowe's/HD is 45 minutes away, so blaming big box chains is kind of hard in this case. The reason why they went out of business? Not a lack of business, certainly, but rather a lack of staff--no one wants to own a small hardware store in a backwater community anymore, I guess. The guy decided to retire and no one wanted to purchase the hardware store or take over, so he decided to go out of business. Sad but true. So now we have to drive 15 minutes into "town" for our hardware or the full 45 minutes into the "city" for Home Depot or Lowe's.

This must be a universal thing for hardware/home improvement stores. Where I live, we have Home Depot, Lowes, Menards and the local sounds like a bargain but its more expensive stores all within a 20-30 mile radius. I've had experiences very similar to this at every one of these stores. As with everyone else with no life, I am now intrigued and can't wait for the next episode.

I usually phone a store first to see if things are in stock, then request the item be put aside for me. That way I don't waste my time and then waste more time ranting. People still use phones in 2004 don't they?

Why all the story installments? Getting to the bottom line in your posts is taking longer than finding the right size lawn mower blade at my local super hardware emporium, LOL.

Well, when you read the thread,


Even after calling he didn't find it - Bill the superhero who tried wasn't able to find it either...

Oh my, this is one of the better posts I've seen :)

King, the staff in that Home Depot is as dumb as a bag of hammers. Lowes is slightly better, but I liked it better when they were Eagle.

Of course, both are better than the Builder's Square that was across from Sloans Lake. I swear that everyone there got offended when you interupted their work day by asking a question. Or maybe they got offended because they usually didn't know the answer.

I also like local shops, but the reality is that the local Ace Hardware has a tenth of the selection (and usually the crappy tenth) and is usually costs 1.5 to 2 times as much as Lowes.

So yeah, I drive across town to Lowes most of the time.

I used to work with a girl (young lady) who along with her sister took over their parents hardware store. I thouhgt it was pretty cool. There are still several "mom and pop" stores along with a HD a Lowes opening in a few weeks and a Menards opening in about a Month . I tend to hit Home Depot for major stuff - lumber and the such as the local lumber yards are quite a bit more, but for all the speciallty stuff and little things I hit the small hardware stores.. the service is alway great and they really know their shit.. On a side note i worked pt time at the HD for about 6 mohts.. and at least around here the guys really know their way around the store. I learned a lot. Unfortunalely it seems the Lowes store thats openign went to the local Michigan works office and hired the first 100 people it could find off the unemployment list.. I think they're going to be worthless..

I think he went to the store first, went home, then called back. I suggested that I usually call first, then go.

You know, you can't write fiction better than this. Amazing.

I thought I had a couple of interesting anecdotes about HD, and the you come up with this. Amazing.

I am humbled by your story of pain and frustration, and I wait patiently for subsequent installments.

Thanks.

Peace,

Pierre

:lol: Between fhq and TOK this is a very amusing thread.
I'll definitely be back for the next installment of Lowe Caliper Pirates. ;)

One question I have for Lowe's:

Why in the hell would I buy a twenty dollar screwdriver???

Never mind, I just thought of the answer. Your store is designed for soccer moms who watch "Switching Spots" on TV and can't do-it-themselves. They can just see that it costs twenty bucks, go back to their Durango or Lexus SUV and get their husband's credit card.

Maybe they have reserves that know what the hell they're doing, but probably not. An ex-girlfriend of mine worked at a hardware store, but miraculously doesn't know the difference between a hammer and an allen wrench.

I'm sure I'll enjoy the rest of this thread.

Actually, my uncle and dad did just that. It's a damn nice deck too. Takes up half the backyard.

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fhq,

First of all, I wanted to tell you that I loved your story. Well done.

As with the others, I try to shop at the smaller hardware stores. Not as much of a selection, and higher prices, but the service is there. Thats where your extra money is going. It sounds like customer service is an important part of your shopping experience.

I believe in the free enterprise system. If you hate Lowes enough, stop shopping there. Tell everyone your story. Eventually, they will go out of business :)

I laughed
I cried
I cheered at the end

But then kept reading, and sadly realized that we werecheated out of a happy ending. That's life I suppose...

You should send the letter in it's entirity to your local newspapers for printing in the editorial columns.

If only Billl knew how the story was supposed to end..... I think he would have gone to the end of the world to find your part..... :D And why is it always aisle 12? Do they sugarcoat it with some passionate imaginary paint or something?

I had similar experience looking for outfeed stands. A normal wood worker would expect to find them near the tablesaws and such, or amybe with the handsaws and hammers.

No. Neither place. The damned things were on a lower shelf over by the damned toolboxes. And at that, I only found them because I saw another shopper standing there with one in hand. He found them by complete accident.

I buy all my wood from a local lumberyard (http://www.westessexbuilding.com). They have a decent price, and, get this, they'll deliver it, too! Ever try to wrangle a dozen sheets of 3/4 OSB into a mini-van? The local place gets all of my business.

Same thing for the electrical stuff. I use the local electrical supply house. HD, Lowes, neither one is worth a damn.

That's the best recount of a shopping expediton that I've ever heard!!
I hate Lowes, much for the same reasons. The only time I've ever had good luck there, was when I went by myself and played up 'the helpless, silly girl' routine. Not that I'm proud of that, and I'm disgusted I had to resort to it. But it worked, and I really did need help wrestling sheets of plywood into my Dodge Shadow.

I mean this with the utmost sincerity:

You need to consider serious writing. that is quite possibly one of the funniest little stories I’ve ever read.

Pure delight!

At the very least, submit it to readers digest or something, they’ll want the language cleaned up a tad but it won’t take away from the writing at all.

Interesting situation... I have had to deal with managers in Lowe's during our renovations last year, and ironically it's Bill M. who figured it all out for us, even giving us items at wholesale cost for the screwups on our orders.

Great story! Having gone through similary circumstances, I feel your pain and sympathize. The only part that is more sad is that you will see that item 6 months from now while you are looking for something else. When that happens, let us know if Bill and Anne survive the rampage.

that is a great story, i laughed through the whole thing, and i feel for you since we have all been there. i liked the cousin that can find waldo. i wish that i could write a english paper that was half that entertaining.

I wonder what kind of stories we'd read if you and clavus lived together. ;)


Nice ending, great story, fhq. Thanks. :)

What tool were you looking for?

You guys wouldn't read a thing. fgh and I would just vent to eachother, then it would be out of our systems. Hell, we probably wouldn't even have to speak. I'd stumble in the door with a half-eaten cheese-log, a bag of frozen cat rectums and a look on my face like I'm trying to convert Fahrenheit to Celsius while watching my house burn down.

fhg would take one look at me and say, "I know just how you feel."

Bill must be one sexy beast.

fhqwhgads, you are one of the reasons for my continued involvement in TFP. Brilliant writing like that is so hard to come by, but once you start you'll never want anything less.

I smile, I grin, I chuckle. Very rarely do I ever laugh out loud. This stoy had me laughing out loud. fhq, I read a post you made on the portraits page, and I wanted to compliment you then, but never did. This was great.

I, too feel your pain. You sure made it funny and I loved the pirate angle. If i could only be that funny when I do write a complaining letter!!

i wish i had $1.00 for every story like that i have iether been a part of or saw happen..

i would buy lowes....

heheh

nice story man..

This serves as an excellent reminder of the difference between a "Hardware Store" (good) and a "Home Improvement Center" (bad).

A new Ace opened near here and I'm just GIDDY about it. They ordered a new handle for my broken sledgehammer! :thumbsup:

fhq, an excellently written piece!

...

HeeHeeHee...

now that is some great writing fhq... i wish i could write like that. LOL. good on ya.

Ever get the feeling that people are rooting for you to have another fucked up day so that they can enjoy the rant about it later? :)

I appreciate all the comments everyone. Writing about these things are actually theraputic. I'll have to make it a regular habit...

Yeah, I hear that. I've worked in retail long enough that not much surprises me anymore. The way that was written was brilliant, and that something like that could actually happen isn't surprising, although, it is still pathetic. I laughed out loud with that one.

Hey, do us all a favour, and go try to find some oddball part at Home Depot tomorrow, eh?

This is why I'm glad to have a friend who works at a hardware store. Not only can he get me anyhting the next day, he can get it at 10% above cost.

I just wish you would have actually said what item you were looking for! Then we all could look around our local stores and let you know how many they say they have and how many they actually have. It seems someone has an extra 7 laying around unaccounted for.

Yeah, Lowe's/Home Depot workers are pretty much useless drones.

I got the same, "Well, if we had it it'd be right here" crap yesterday when I tried to get a new socket for my ceiling fan fixture.

I'm getting sick of those stores... in between them NEVER having anything that fits my stuff (I can't find a simple light kit for a ceiling fan that DOESN'T have a pull chain.. just a socket.) and idiot workers, I'm about to just stop goin there.

I laughed my ass off thru the whole thing, that was great!

Well... if you weren't such a great writer, we wouldn't root so much. Of course, we'd also be greatly disappointed and mostly bored if you were to stop. It's because of this that we hope you have another "mouthbreather" experience...

great story! sorry you didn't find your tool.

We all flock to these mega home improvement emporiums when they open to get the lowest prices, then when all the small hardware stores close because they lost our business, we complain about the lousy service. Must be some kind of poetic justice or karma at work here.

I thought your story was very funny. But you have to be somewhat masochistic to continue going back to a store that continues to treat you so badly. What do they have to do to lose your business?