Is There A Santa Claus?

[f6twister]

A post earlier today asked if members thought it was okay to tell their kids about Santa or if it was a parent lying to their child. I thought this would be a good opportunity to study Santa a little closer.

1. Santa's Workload
There are two billion children in the world, but since Santa doesn't appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Budhist children, the reduces his workload to 15% of the total, or 300 million. At an average rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 85.7 million homes. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the Earth, assuming he travels east to west. This works out to 767.9 visits per second. So for each household with good children, Santa has about 1/1,000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the presents, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

2. The Time/Distance Factor
Assuming that these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the Earth, we're talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles.

3. Calculation of Estimated Speed
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving a 650 miles per second, or 3,000 times the speed of sound.

4. Santa's Payload
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-size Lego set (about two pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as "heavy". On land, normal reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds, and even granting that flying rendeer could pull 10 times the normal amount, Santa's going to need 214,200 reindeer to pull his sleigh. This increases the payload to 353,430 tons, or four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

Conclusion
A craft of 353,430 tons, traveling at 650 miles per second, creates enormous air resistance. This will heat up Mr. Claus and his sleigh like a spacecraft reentering Earth's atmosphere.

Translation: If there is a Santa, he's toast.

As printed the book Cyber Jokes, edited by Doug Mayer

[maleficent]

Trying to use logic with Santa Claus... Jeesh.... Santa Claus is a magic elf and can make anything happen...


Besides -- Santa Claus would have to be a woman anyhow....

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last- minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
(then again, how many people get mail *back* from santa)
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings... unless somebody's wearing them.
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.
http://www.wilk4.com/humor/humorm43.htm

[Tidus]

Well kids live to have santa for gifts and stuff..lol

[sadistikdreams]

I love RONCO.

And, if what maleficent says, wouldn't it be Kristen Kringle, Saint Nicole, etc?

[Fremen]

So, in the off season, Santa moonlights as the Bearded Lady in the circus sideshow, Mal?
Maybe Santa is just the figurehead and Mrs. Claus is the brains of the outfit.

[Bauh4us]

Santa is still a man, Mrs. Claus just helps out a lot more than people give her credit for!!

[maleficent]

Giving equal time- -there is a rebuttal to the santa claus is a woman..
http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Farm/7478/sc-man.htm

There is absolutely NO way Santa is female. Here's why:

First, Christmas would be late every year. The line at the department store would never move because Santa would feel the need to "bond" with every kid that sat on her lap. The elves would never get any toys made because they'd be too busy telling her, "No Santa, those red pants do not make you look fat."

What woman would be caught dead in a chimney? Gosh, she might break a nail in there. Also, men don't care if they would get covered with ashes and soot while sliding down the chimney.

And what about Santa's beard? I'm sure you'll agree that most women look significantly better without facial hair. Besides, she-Santa would not go out without makeup.

If Santa was female, she sure wouldn't have white hair. And she would never wear a hat because it would mess up her hair.

The tradition is for cookies and milk to be left for Santa on Christmas Eve. If Santa were a woman, the tradition would be chocolates and Latte's. Also, a male Santa would judiciously takes a bite from each cookie to prove he was there. If Santa was a woman, the whole darn box of Snackwells would be devoured and there'd be a sea of empty Ben & Jerry's containers all over the kitchen floor.

Santa doesn't need to ask directions. A female Santa would get her directions from landmarks. Up in the sky there are no landmarks and no place to ask directions. Besides, she-Santa would never go out driving in the snow and rain at night. She would make Mr. Claus do it and then complain about the way he drove.

She-Santa would never say "HO HO HO". She would analyze it too much and think it was somehow demeaning.

Would any self respecting female Santa really be seen wearing the SAME outfit year after year? No, she would have to have a new one each year. And red would not be the color. It would be more like pink or purple.

She-Santa would not clean up the mess that the deer make. Like you are going to make the deer wait until they get back to the North Pole? Men have years of training with dogs.

Yup, Santa's a guy alright!
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I can't find it right now, but there was a website that went into elaborate detail about how Santa managed to accomplish everything in a single night, something about how the North Pole had all timezones or something...