mothers against masturbation
 

A few weeks ago, I was a much happier, if not naiive mother of a wonderful teenage boy. But all that changed in the blinking of an eye when I discovered the worst horror a mother could ever discover. My son is a masturbator.

For the past couple of months I'd been noticing strange behavior. Normally when he is around the house he is a pretty intense nervous guy. But lately he has seemed so non-chalant, and has shown a very relaxed, laid-back approach to life. Then I started noticing strange changes around the house. Everytime he stayed up late, the same three things happened the next morning. The TV was always left on the same channel, and always at a low volume. Low enough that you'd have to be sitting close to hear the voice, or music. The internet history and windows documents list is always wiped clean, and the monthly toilet paper bill has nearly tripled in size in the last three months.

I knew something wasn't right. So one night, I decided to sneak downstairs while he was staying up late. I crept into the computer and TV area when I heard him walk out of the room. I entered, and Sodom and Gomorrah immediately started pointing and laughing at me. The reason he was up late, is because he was on a late night pornography binge! The lustful faces of the sinsister Jezebells stared at me from all corners of the room. I had failed as a mother!!!

Presently my son, Conner (not his real name), walked back into the room with a dirty old sock in his hand. He tried to hide it, but I was too angry to let him do any such a thing. I beat him to within an inch of his life, and then sent him to stand outside while he thought about what he had done. I couldn't prove it, but I knew within my heart of hearts that he was pleasuring himself in an immoral fashion.

In a way, I almost don't blame him. Masturbation is glorified to such a ridiculous extent in the media, it is a wonder not everyone is masturbating. Such a world would be a terrible place. It is for this reason, I have embarked on a, "Mothers Against Masturbation", campaign.

First, let me start off with the obvious. Why is masturbation wrong?

I liken mastubation unto a train. A train which gradually grows faster and more deadly by the hour. The fuel for this train? None other than pornography. Pornography often seems innocent and unharmful, but do not be decieved by the lustful seeds of the devil. Masturbation is badbecause it changes our perception of women. As the pornography addict gets further into his cycle he needs a bigger hit of more stimulating, more "hardcore" pornography, to whet his sexual appetite. This increased sexual appetite cannot help but carry over to all other areas of his life. A common scenario goes something like this:

Boy is a straight A+ student.
Boy discovers pornography.
Boy starts using degrading words such as, bitch, ho, and slut.
Boy starts dowloading large amounts of hardcore pornography from the internet.
Boy starts to abuse women.
Boy writes about masturbation on the internet.
Boy rapes his own mother.

Such a scenario may seem outrageous, but rest assured, this is not only common, this is considered socially acceptable everywhere outside of The United States. Not only that, masturbation was behind the fall of the Roman Empire. You think the barbarians are at the gate? They are already riding in your busses, going to your schools, and eating in your restaurants. Make no mistake, the barbarians are no longer outside. They are your own children, living in your homes!!!

Time Magazine reports that, " Every person that has ever killed another human being has masturbated at some point in their life usually within days of the crime". If that isn't enough to send a shiver through your entire body, I don't know what is.

I looked in my son's dresser drawer, and there was direct evidence of this cycle. Starting from the bottom of the nude woman magazine pile, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, FHM, Stuff, Maxim, GQ, Playboy, Penthouse, Clit Collector, Pesitlence Pussy Pleasers, and finally, on top of the pile, Morbid Underage Gangbangs, featuring none other than Hillary Duff. The ones at the bottom of the pile were the old ones, not needed anymore, put away to make room for a growing sexual appetite.

I knew I had to take action. Knowing it was now, in his time of despair he was a ticking time bomb, just laying in wait, wanting to express his anger in a phyical way. I followed him to the mall. He looked at a few girls, trying to look all nonchalant. I knew out of instinct he was fantasizing about them. Then, not at all surprisingly he told me he had to use the washroom. At first I let him go, then I realized what his real scheme was. I took his wallet, and made him empty the change from his pockets. I know they sell condoms in washrooms. I for one do not want to risk him having tools of sexual immorality.I must disarm him by all means necessary and possible.

We went home and he thought he was being so smart. While we were out, I had looking panels installed in the bathroom doors, and i mixed sand in the hand lotion so that he cannot use it to pleasure himself with. I have also placed him on a strict, no choclate diet. I think I know better than anyone that chochlate stimulates sexual thoughts within the body. I would not have his body controlled by sexy robots!

He is currently sleeping in my room, with chains on of course. I won't have him thrusting himself upon me when nature calls. In case he has managed to perfect the art of silence, I prefer to place a layer of styrophome padding under his bed sheet so that i can hear any sudden and intent movements during the night. Any time he is out of my sight for more than 30 seconds (30 seconds is all it takes folks), I take his temperature, twice. First is the thermometer in the mouth. Often during and after masturbation, the heart rate increases and the body temperature can keep a body warm for hours. I also employ the use of a rectal thermometer that measures the pressure of the prostate gland to determine if it is well stocked. That one is inescapable, and he seems to enjoy it too.

How can I know if my child is masturbating, and what can I do to stop it?

The most simple way is to carefully smell his unwashed boxer shorts. If necessary, don't be afraid to taste it. Don't shake your head in disgust, after all, we are all mothers, and we've obviously tasted it on more than just a few occasions.

An excellent way to discourage him. Don't let him listen to rap music. It's slow, steady rhythms are bound to remind him of slow, steady sex, or masturbation. It is also advisable to also keep the thrash metal at a distance, as that leads to nothing but ferocious masturbation. My personal recommendations for happy, non-masturbating children are any Creed, Linkin Park, or Three Days Grace.

Thank you.

Nice comedic piece. Gave me quite a laugh. ;)

That was excellent :) Thank you very much.

Yeah that was great. 5 Stars.

You ought to read the book "The Devil made me do it" by Jack Meoff.

I know... nothing turns me off more than Creed.

lol
I'd tell my son, "Rock On!"

It's a healthy, natural habit.

That was funny. What makes it funnier is that there is probably someone who thinks that way.

hehe, I thought this was serious as first, I was shocked. Anyway, real well done, I got a kick out of it.

lol, thought it was real...until I kept reading.

I was wondering why the prudish proud mother of a teenage boy would choose "codpiece" as her moniker ;)

Re: mothers against masturbation
 

And the "Abusive Mother of the Year" award goes to....

Heheh.

If it wasn't for mastrubation i'd have killed someone, or myself by now.

johnny gets caught whacking in the bathroom by his mom who's saying he's killing babies by doing that and tells him to stop...

the next day, sure enuff johnny gets caught again by his mom and she tells him to stop...

he replies, "quiet, mom, we're having a memorial service."

wonderful!

Where can I get that Hillary Duff magazine? Damn she's hot


edit: i've gotten the magazine. she's so hot.

is anybody sure that that's a joke?
aside from the sheer insanity of it, i didn't find anything to make me believe that she wasn't serious. did I miss something?

moonstrucksoul, this is a post on a forum based on pornography. How do ya think Codpeice wandered over here?
It's just an excellent piece of satire.

I have my cock in my hand right now.

Re: mothers against masturbation
 

Bwhahahahah. :lol:

That is hilarious...in a very disgusting way.

Was wondering even more what in the world is she doing on the tfp? :D

I have an amusing argument with a girl I know very well. My side is that it feels good, it's natural, why not do it? Her side: It's gross. I'm sure I can bring her round.

Masturbation was the fall of the Roman Empire...

I love it. What else can we blame on wanking?

LOL.

Many many many hours of my life being wasted.

lol Thanks for the laugh. It reminded me of my mother when it came to porn.

As much as my mother is a real prude though she did "educate" me on the finer points of masterbation. She's a walking contradiction.

This was great thanks.

That was great satire, 5 stars

Masturbation killed JFK.

I'm not kidding, look at the tapes.

Masturbation also was the cause of Saddam getting WMDs.

Yes, it's a proven fact, mastrubation reduces stress. Even the prudes admit it.

You and every other mother of a teenage boy in the world...!!!:lol::lol::lol:

It's got a good beat. but can you masturbate to it?

It could be worse he could be..... HAVING SEX WITH ANOTHER PERSON!!! Oh the humanity.<p>Funny stuff.

that's some funny shit. I was in one of my classes the other day and the topic of masterbation came up(what a surprise all guys and me the only female) but they disgussed it and one guy denied it. Everyone laughed, the guy turned red.

I commented that I could not think of one guy I know who most likely does ot masterbate. That I believed most-all men masterbated(not sure who I could put in the non-masterbating category) and quite a few women.

He remained his claim to an inocence and didn't participate in conversation for a few days.

Crap.. I almost took this seriously :)

Haha, me too. Nice post. What a great hobby.

Phew!

I almost fell for it!

I feel so cheated!!!! :)

The rise of communism
-People were to busy wanking to stop it

Global warming
-All that heavy breathing causing rising temps

Acid Rain
-God is sad and cries

Turnips in the University Cafeteria
-God stops crying and decides that he hates you

That is funny as fuck! I thought it was serious at first as well. Thank god its not but there are people who really think like that unfortunately.

Hahahaha....this was pure comedy. Thanks for the great read.

yeah i thought it was real and gasped when i saw "beat him within an inch of his life" !!

good piece

OMG!! The first couple of paragraphs had me going... :lol: Sheeeeeeeeeesh I was almost worked up into a french candian frenzy with the reply I was going to post!!! Hoooo haaaa!!!! Very funny!

LOL I thought it was serious too in the beginning :lol:

HAhaha, sheer brilliance ;)

I almost bought it. I was all ready to explain just how good masturbating vs. sex is for teenagers.

(Although I must admit I was shocked when I learned my young son was ALREADY doing it. He just seemed so young. I thought he'd wait until he was at least --- well, let's say -- 30 or so.)

WHAT?!? I don't think she's kidding guys... :crazy:

Wait a minute. Hilary Duff in gangbangs... definitely never going to happen. :lol:

Great satire! :)

Oh my...I, as many posters have also said, believed this as I first started reading (although I wondered why anyone of that mindset would be on the TFP), but as I went along, I came to appreciate this piece for (what I hope) it is: great comedy!

That's truly a fantastically written piece. This is just what I needed to get my mind off some stuff.

Haha. That's great!

lol
great piece

at first i was like WTF? this can't be true, OMG! Then the more I read I was like this isn't real, it can't be!

Good for a laugh though, I know a few gullible people who might actually believe this too!!!!! HE HE HE

Nice satire. All I have to say is no MAM.

excellent. and i was just readin today that frequent masturbation was good for you ( )http://uk.news.yahoo.com/040407/12/eqj15.html

i was mad then shocked then mad again, then laughed for a few minutes...

good one,

Jeez, I thought you were SERIOUS!

I stopped half way, and was about to ask what the hell was wrong with you, until I saw the posts under it.:lol:

It reminds me of a friend of mine who got caught masturbating by his dad, and his dad beat the shit out of him with a hockey stick.

Better to masturbate than to go postal with an Uzzi!

LOLs!

You had me going there for a minute. Holy crap, I was about to flame!

wow back from the dead.

still good to read again.

I, like quite a few others, thought you were serious at first. It was great.

All masturbators and liberals eat babies.

like a phoenix it rises from the dead...

Your cause is lost... Almost 100% of the young men masturbate...

Very entertaining piece.

And I masturbated so much as a boy that I can't understand why my penis isn't 8 inches longer.

________ Huh?

I always liked this statistic. But who checks? I mean, how do you say it with authority? Who's been peeking?

The other way that I hear it phrased is 99% of young men masturbate and 1% lie on questionnaires.

codpiece
:thumbsup:
Guess what's in my mind now......you..
I love a teenage boys mother who tastes boxer shorts! :eek:

JIC you are the occassional twist that has made it onto this board - wtf? Your kid jerks off, and you're upset? How would you feel if he tells you Darla from the Diner is pregnant - and they way want to keep it?!
Everyone jerks off. If you don't, you should. Ask for pointers if in doubt. It's better to spill the seed than bring an unwanted seed.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Send this to Bush. He'll love it!

And by the way, where can I get a copy of "clit collector?"

Thats Life! The Wonder of it all.

Had me goin right up until I saw the word Jezebell. Who the hell uses that word anymore?! I mean c'mon.

:lol: Very funny

my god, this is good stuff

the first few paragraphs I honestly took it serious, thinking, how can anyone be this puritan and stuck up about something that almost everyone does...

then I got to the final few paragraphs and realised that it was going over the top into the obvious satire regions.

very well done :)

OMG. u got me there for a while. :|

"Time Magazine reports that, " Every person that has ever killed another human being has masturbated at some point in their life usually within days of the crime". If that isn't enough to send a shiver through your entire body, I don't know what is."

Thats great..

like others i started ou thinking this was real, thenit was really wierd then I got it.. Somedays I'm a bit slow.. Great piece thanks..

I love jacking off

Wow, had me going for a bit. Then I got to

Boy is a straight A+ student.
Boy discovers pornography.
Boy starts using degrading words such as, bitch, ho, and slut.
Boy starts dowloading large amounts of hardcore pornography from the internet.
Boy starts to abuse women.
Boy writes about masturbation on the internet.
Boy rapes his own mother.

I think I remember something like that from school about marijuana leading to all the other drugs and finally to murder or something.

Boy is a straight A+ student.
Boy discovers pornography.
Boy starts using degrading words such as, bitch, ho, and slut.
Boy starts dowloading large amounts of hardcore pornography from the internet.
Boy starts to abuse women.
Boy writes about masturbation on the internet.
Boy rapes his own mother.

It is a slippery slope, isn't it?

thought it was for real. lol good laugh

lol, at first i thought it was serious! very funny piece :)

For some odd reason Chuck Palahniuk came in my mind when I read that.
Liked it a lot!

lol, that wa so funny!

that was hilarious
i really liked the time magazine article

Sounds like a "W" voter

hahaha made me smile....;)

That was hilarious... good work.

very very funny. well written. thanks for the laugh

LOL!
for a moment i found myself looking for this article that says masturbation is good for you...

Hello? u know u have failed as a mother. masturbaition and crimes are not related. hes a teenager. let him masturbaite. its healthy and 99% of men and about 67% of woman masturbaited once in there lives. u ever c woman rub there thighs together? that counts as masturbaiting but thats girls only. and u make ur son sleep in ur room? wtf r u thinking u might think its parenting but i bet u he will be a criminal one day if u keep tourtureing him like that. most criminals become the way they r because of unhappy childhoods. did u know he might think sex is wrong or sex with the oppsite sex is wrong? and now he might become gay or asexual(no sexual/romantic desire period) do u want grand kids someday? thats not happening now. and buying condoms is taking responsibility for ur actions 2. btw u are emotionaly abusing ur son. Howcan u fix this? just talk with him about how porn manipulates woman and men having his dad there 2 can help. teach him about sexualy transmitted disseases and sexualy transmitted infections put parental blocks on ur computer(windows vista has this. just set a password on the adminastrative accounts) get a condom and teach him how 2 use it and explain to him the sexual anatomy (discovery health has a great sex ed special that plays about once a month called "Anatomy of sex") also if u care about his happiness at school move out of ure state and start over as a normal parent. just one tip avoid texas because showing porn to minors is still legal there. let him go places on his own. get on the verizon network and use VZ navagator with family locator member. FLM is free but VZ navigator is not required but gives u directions to where he is and is 2.99 per 2 months or 9.99 for unlimited. the unlimited is free with nationwide premium plan. the chains need 2 come off that is torture. but still there is no proof of him watching porn unless u either a: call ur ISP and ask for a list of websites visited(only works for the past month) or b: Call a PI(private investigator) and they will take ure hard drive due a full system scan and restore the history since the computer last crashed or was started for the first time. so please let ure son live a normal live and use my advice so u dont have a suicidal son. btw the way ure treating him might make him suicidal.


lol the above would be 4 the parts that might be real. Hillary duff in gang bangs? thats bull S*** lol ure funny but still the above might be advise if that really dose happen 4 anyone

Glad this got brought back up, great laugh!

Sand in lotion? Ouch.
Good laugh!

How is this not Hall of Fame yet?

^^ I know right, I fell over my chair!!! Mark me too on very happy this was necro'd!

Sand in the lotion!!! Oh dios mio!!!