Greatest ass-kicking in history
 

So, what would you consider the greatest ass-kicking in history?

I’d say the Battle of Thermopolae. THREE HUNDRED Spartans took on the greatest army on earth; that of the God-King Xerxes II. When it was over, the Spartans had killed TENS OF THOUSANDS of Persian soldiers. Though the 300 were eventually killed, the monumental can of whoopass they opened crippled the Persian army and sent them packing. Xerxes was never able to clean the poop-stains out of his royal pants.


So, what’s you favorite tale of historical ass-kicking? The Battle of Little Bighorn? Boom-Boom Mancini vs. Duk Koo Kim? The Enola Gay vs. Hiroshima? Hannibal’s first scrap with the Romans? C’mon! Tell it!

I forget the name of it, but the battle in which the Athenians slaughtered the Spartan fleet by trapping them. If I remember correctly that was pretty cool and caused them to win against the odds.

Kursk

World War II.

Basically, a million Russians squared off against about a million Germans in a field over a few days. Each soldier on each side knew that it was a battle to the death. Neither side took prisoners. Imagine what that must have felt like? Knowing that you were pretty much assured to die.

At the end of the day, a few Russians were still standing, so there were the victors.

The Russians lost more that single battle than the United States has ever lost in every war it has ever fought combined. Something to think about.

GWBush vs. the US Constitution! Ouch...oh wait, dont mean to thread jack.


well to get some honorble mentions out of the way...

the battle of troy
moses vs. the egyptians.


ps./ really cool thread topic!

I think you have your facts a bit wrong there Clavus, here's an entry on the battle of Thermopylae from wikipedia:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Thermopylae

The first ass-kicking that came to mind was the battle of Austerlitz.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Austerlitz

How about this? Lord vs Sennacherib:

Not only did Adonai wipe out 180,000 people overnight, but he also made the guy's sons kill him. That's a serious ass whippin'.

The Battle of Cannae was quite an ass kicking too. With around 80,000 Romans killed against Cathagenian forces, it was the worst defeat in Roman history.

Maybe Hernando Cortes vs The Aztecs?

I dont know enough about military history to be sure, but he basically (with the aid of an allied tribe I wont even try and spell!) destroyed an entire culture and civilisation - and he didnt do it out of hate, or rage, or even the desire to conquer, but out of love of God, which is the scariest thing.

[edit] I was going to say something sarcastic but


I think the point of an "ass kicking" battle really is sickening.. because you get cases like when the Italians invaded Ethiopia during WWII where it was tanks against spears.


Um, gee that was glorious.

5.6 million

then again, more Russians died than Jews, but mostly in rather different circumstances. Personally, none of my immediate relations died in death camps, but one of my grandfathers spent two years in a concentration camp in France and was half starved there.

Even Battles like Thermopolae -the Spartans were raised from childhood to be warriors and the Persians were whipping slaves into battle...

Now think about that -the Persians would conquer a region and take men captive in order to make them slaves to fight professional solders.

Sure Xerxes supposedly had a great team of archers that would suppposedly 'blot out the sun with their arrows'. But think about what motivated the slaves to fight versus what motivated the Spartans. Hmmm... is it still glorious or possibly (with clear hindsight) obvious that the Spartans would hold them off?

Furthermore it seems like a tragedy that men were made slaves -just to be slaughtered by the Spartans. I don't know... I question the glory of every battle.

Remember the Alamo!

I got into a fight once with a guy I didn't like, and I sent him home with a bloody nose and to the hospital to repair one of his nuts. Will that work?

On topic though, I think the Battle of Troy was pure ass-kicking.

The SAS vs the terrorists in the Iranian embassy...you never EVER want to screw with the SAS.

Well, the first thing that popped in my head was the Columbine High School shooting but...


You know what... No. I'm gonna say it. My favorite ass-kicking was the Columbine High School shooting. Even with as unpopular I'm gonna be for saying that I don't care. If you all can point out a battle in a war where people died and more people suffered from then I'm gonna point out the one battle in the war between popular and unpopular where the unpopular finaly said, "Fuck you, I'm in charge now." It was a huge heads up for the entire world. Leave people the fuck alone.

Spetznaz

Dont EVER fuck with them

Read in a magazine one where these idiots held hostages in a building for like 11 hours or something.
Spetznaz wasnt even called in but showed up and called for one of the terrorists to come out and negotiate

They chopped off his head and threw it back in with a note stuck in the head by knife that said something like surrender if you dont want to end up like him

They were about to surrender but the spetznaz stormed the place and killed them all anyways.

Asskicking, no, this was anal rape.

The Soviet Union in WWII, because of stupid ideologies from above (ie capture this city by a certain date, and hold this city at all costs, etc), skilled commanders were made to sacrifice young conscripts by the thousands. As a result an estimated 20 million Soviets (mostly males) lost their lives.

That, and Alexander The Great at the battle of Gaugamela, where he defeated the largest Persian army, on a plain, with his battle hardendend Macedonians. Even when outnumbered, and facing shock tactics (such as a Scythed chariot charge, right in the beggening of the battle), the skilled Macedonians went on to rout Darius' forces. Even though Darius managed to flee the battle, Alexander captured his family. So the battle of Gaugamela is seen as the turning point in Alexanders' war on Persia.

PS there is a monument at Thermopolae to the dead Spartans, to this day.

I bet it successfully sent a message, though. You seem to have received it.

July, 1863. Gettysburg.


Little Round Top - On July 3rd, what was left of regiment under the command of Lt. Col. Joshua Chamblerlain, about 150 guys, held the tail end of the Union lines against an attack by a much, much larger confederate force that was trying to go around the Union main lines and attack from the rear, after defending their post through about three enemy charges, Chamberlain, low on ammunition, orders a fucking bayonet charge. the confederates are thoroughly spanked.

Picket's Charge - on July 4th, 3 whole divisions of Confederate troops, about 15,000 soldiers, charged across a mile long section of field, obstructed by fences, and gets completely ripped apart by Union artillery. It signals the beginning of the downfall of the confederacy.

Britains war with Zanzibar lasted all of 13minutes.

i reckon the Zanzibar army took one look at the massive colonial fleet that had come to the party and they thought, "fuck this...".

no lives were lost, but i believe it remains the fastest battle in history.

Troy

B52 crew vs Japanese city of your choice.

We're talking Custer's last stand here, people.

What about The Alamo? A generic response, but I remember my high school World Cultures teacher telling us that each soldier defending the Alamo killed an average of 17 men each at that battle.

-Lasereth

agincourt

7000 english

24000+ french

Do not charge longbow lines

Being from Texas, the Alamo. It's deeper then what you think, but I guess so is every battle. :)

ok I'm a movie freak not a history buff so I'm saying piper versus keith david in They Live. C'mon they based the south park cripple fight on it.

Some of you are confusing epic battles with ass-kickings :D

Anyway, I will say my favorite ass-kicking has GOT to be Gulf War I.

Those asshat Iraqi's didn't even know what the hell hit them.

Ah ha!

Don't charge longbow lines when all your guys are in armor that gets stuck in the vast pool of mud you chose to fight in, and if you happen to fall face-forward into that mud, you suffocate or drown. The longbowmen weren't weighed down, and their cloth clothing didn't get stuck in the mud.

Oh, and don't let nobility choose the gameplan. leave that to actual generals.

Custer at the Battle of the Little Bighorn.
Ass.handed.to.him!

battle of dien bien phu, french lost to vietnamse, ended their control of the southeast. goddamn i hated french. They are the reason why there's communism in vietnam.

actually it lasted 1 hour 40 min, from when the first message was sent till the flag was raised.

SHORTEST WAR IN HISTORY

Minotauro vs Bob Sapp.

Yeah, I finally agree with SF on something. Dont remember exactly how many, but a few hundred soldiers conquored an empire of about 6million.

Other than that Agincourt, Gaugamela, Thermopolae, all definately need to be mensioned. Kursk was stated but that battle was in no way one sided, epic yes, but not an ass whoopin.

Though I do believe Midway must be mensioned, and sadly hasn't been yet. It was THE turning point in the Pacific campaign, where the US Navy went patched over the bleeding wound after Pearl and smashed the Japanese Army so hard they never fully recovered.

There are tons of other lesser known battles that I could mension but only a handful of you would know what I'm talking about, so I'll leave them out.

I guess it really depends on what kind of ass kicking you mean. Total number of casualties vs viciousness of the battle. Probably an ancient roman army + barbarian of the day would win for Viciousness.

Nolan Ryan vs. Robin Ventura in 1993.
The batter charged the mound, and for once, a pitcher just kicked the batter's ass. Forget the no hitters and strike outs- this is what made him a legend.

http://users2.ev1.net/~mingster/photo/ventura.jpg



As for true Battles, though not as decisive as those mentioned above, the Battle of Tours was probably one of the great turning points in history. I won't look it up, but I bet the details can be found on the internet somewhere. In about the mid 700's a.d., the Germans defeated the Muslim armies, and prevented the Islamic expansion from continuing to Europe. It was one of the few instances where midevil infantry, with the help of winter cold, defeated cavalry, and thank goodness.

Re: Greatest ass-kicking in history
 

Molon Labe, bitches. That's easily the greatest response ever in the history of mankind. "Lay down your arms" "Come and get them (molon labe)."

You don't fuck with that.

Gotta be The battle of Stalingrad. Some 400,000 Soviets were killed while 300,000 Germen killed or captured.

Um.. I do believe it was French. The Song of Roland was a Fench song basically bragginb about the battle. But if you include that as one of the most influencail battles, you need to include the defeat of the Turks through Serbia as well. Well, they never really defeated the Turks, the attrition on both sides caused the raids to come to a close.

Re: Re: Greatest ass-kicking in history
 

Which battle are you referring to? that lists a bunch.

I thought about making a wise crack about the French army, but I won't.

I looked it up, and you're right. I had remembered it wrong. I had been thinking that it happened in Switzerland, too. Shows how much I can forget since college. Hey, at least I got the time period about right, and knew it was in the Alps.

Wasnt really an ass kicking, but in ancient china during the Three Kingdoms era one of the kingdoms was retreating. When the persuing army caught up at the Bridge of Chang Ban they found ONE guy standing guard. He was a general of the fleeing army by the name of Zhang Fei.

Anyway he just kinda looked at the army slamed his spear down on the bridge and shouted "I AM ZHANG FEI! WHO WISHES TO MEET DEATH!"

The whole army turned and ran. Eventually his house was beaten but that doesnt really matter its the courage shown when falling that matters.

Re: Re: Re: Greatest ass-kicking in history
 

The one I quoted, Thermopolyae.

TheJoker, that's not the only time that happened. I cant recall his name at the moment, but he was the Danish King at the mid 1000s. Before William invaded England in 1066 the Nordic king invaded England claiming his inheritance from King Knut (pronounced newt... no im serious). Anyways the British king attacked before expected, and Danes found themselves attacked off guard, unarmed (without armor, they had weapons), and in disarray. Suddenly a berzerker, well, berzerked. According to descriptions (on both sides so it is very reliable) he held a 2h axe in each hand and held off the entire English Army off for 2.5 hours by himself. He would deflect the arrows shot at him with the axes and showed absolutely no fear the entire time. It was not until one ingenious Brit put himself in a barrel upstream and floated down the river... putting a spear through the zerkers groin.

What a sad way for such a brave man to go...

Needless to say after that the Danes were demolished... only to have the brits lose weeks later to William.

Okay, who did it to him, and did he get better? :D

Heroshima and Nagasaki.... US vs. Japan

1 plane vs. the country... hundreds of thoudands dead.. not that I'm proud of it... but that was an ass kicking

I think that it has to be the 6 Days War. When you get attacked by several countries, and 5 days later they surrender to you: You are the ultimate badass.

The Battle of Midway in thePacific ocean.

The Japs would have crippled USA's fleet if it hadn't been for one cryptographer that figured out their plans only a few days before they were to attack. As a result, the Japanese Navy, consisting of 5 large aircraft carriers, and a number of destroyers and cruisers were crippled and/or destroyed. Along with these ships, a huge percentage of experienced Zero fighter pilots were killed (huge loss because these planes depended on manoeverability to survive in battle) leaving no one to train new fighter pilots. Also the designer of the Zero fighter died on the flagship, the Yamato.

This pretty much fucked japan's hopes of conquest, and is lucky (i think) for the americans, because california was basically unmanned, and japan would have overrun the whole area.

Re: The battle at Thermopylae.

There is a great book about this battle. Its fiction based on fact. Its a great read. Its called "Gates of Fire". Written by Steven Pressfield. I've read it twice. After the last time I finished it, I turned on the History channel and immediately saw a comercial for a special about the Battle.

Oh, ya! That's an serious asskicking, right there.

The Siege of Malta in 1565 - a few hundred Knights Hospitaller and several thousand Maltese militia held off the might of the Ottoman Empire, killing 3/4 of the Turkish forces - 30,000 men - and turning the course of European history.

My High School Gym Coach vs MEEEE!!!!

Yes, that was a thorough asskicking. That and the first Gulf War have probably got to be the biggest ass kickings of the 20th century.

The defining moment of that ass-whoopin I cant decide though. Was it the Iraqi's surrendering to the Apache (how would an attack helo take prisoners?)... or when they surrendered to the CNN news crew.

Thermopolyae is the largest ass kicking suggested yet by far...

A true arse kicking is when the arse being kicked is way larger than the the kicker's. If a Bengal tiger kills a sheep it's standard, if a sheep lays the smack down on the tiger, it's an arse kicking.

There's been some gigantic arse kickings in history.

Spartak - Files from the Soviet archives opened recently revealed that 42 million Soviets died in WW2.

Qa'desh, where the Arabs defeated the Sasanid forces was pretty impressive.

Alexander kicked 7 different types of shite out of Darius II, Issus and Guagamela were arse kickings.

KellyC, I must dispute your claim that the French are responsible for communism in Vietnam...

In fact, when it comes to arse kickings, Viet Nam's had some. First they kicked the fuck out of the French, then they kicked the shit out of the US. One of the most dirt poor nations in the world sendind the most prosperous and militarily powerful nations in the world packing, that's an arse kicking...

Apart from that..

Rocky Vs Ivan Drago in Rocky IV...

Antietam

I'd agree with this one. Regardless of situation it is very impressive to be attacked from nearly EVERY direction and not only defend, but actually capture territory.

Honestly I would say Pearl Harbor...we got served.

I was waiting for someone to bring that up, I sure wasn't gonna. hehe.

Absolutely, but, though the moral you draw is certainly apt, the more telling one is pick your battlefield.

1812 EH?

Yeh, I have to agree. The 6 day war. Absolutely. Nobody fucks with the Israelis anymore. Even the U.S. won't. Look at the Yom Kippur War. You gotta be stupid to fuck with the Israelis. You're just asking for a Biblical-class ass-kicking.

Having the Ark of the Covenant with you when you go into battle goes a long way.

Of coarse.

Nobody fucks with the Isrealis

I remember reading in the paper that the isreali army sieged the palistine leaders HQ (for some reason his name eludes me at the moment) Had choppers take out the floor above his and below his, had a sniper shoot the guy on his left and right and once they were done with that they just fuckin bulldozed his entire base to the ground and then set the ruins on fire.

Talk about a 'we can kill you any freekin time we want' statement

The Texan in me wants to say the Alamo. But the histroian would have to say the English fleet against the Spainish armada in 1588.

Negative.

The US never lost a battle in the Vietnam War. We lost the war, but never lost a battle.

Why did they win? Because they were willing to sacrifice 4 men to every 1 of ours, and they sacrificed much much more than that in real fact.

The closest to a victory they had was at LZ X-Ray (Landing Zone X-Ray) in which a US division (Custers old division ironically) got flanked, and torn to pieces by an enemy in the jungle they couldnt see. Eventually "Broken Arrow" was called, Broken Arrow is the code word meaning US division about to be overrun. Every single aircraft that was flyable was loaded up with bombs, and for the next 48 hours everything from B-52s to propeller driven Korean war attack planes laid waste to the jungle around the division.

Did we have casualties? Definately. Did we ever retreat from a battle? No. Instead they would assault and capture a piece of land... only to hand it back over before nightfall due to politicians.

I think the battle at Bunker Hill. The British regulars got the crap beat out of them by the country militia. The Redcoats used to laugh at the militia.

They stopped laughing!

Battle of New Orleans. Andrew Jackson fucking SERVED their asses. Even had local guys run through the forest with hatchets killing the sentry's of the Confederates. Plus the actual battle occured after the treaty was signed.

Wake Island/Midway. Not the same, I know, but both times the USA brutalized Japan like nobody's business.

First Gulf War. Damn. Just damn.

seaver already pointed out the fallacies in this statement. their tolerance for punishment outlasted the US's stomach for dishing it out.

i think thermopylae and the first gulf war are worthy nominations, though they vary too much to compare them to eachother directly.

Germans vs Poland/France in WWII is a good one. I can't remember any particular battles... but I think the Mongols vs. Asia deserves a mention as well.

thanks, dr. jones!


correct me if i'm wrong, but didn't the british win the battle of bunker hill (at least the first one)?

Yes, The British held the field at the end of the day. However it was the most costly victory in British history. It was said that one more victory like that would cost them the war.

I'd say for it was still a big ass kicking for the regulars.

I can get the exact casualty figures if you want. It really was a blood bath.


Bob

I'd have to say the 6 day war. Isreal vs. Egypt, Syria, and Jordan. During May of 1967, Egypt and Syria begin massing troops along the borders. Isreal mobilizes their military and in just a couple days, completely destroy Egypt, Syria, and Jordan.

Didn't the Spanish fleet get r0x0red by a hurricane first?

Cryptik is right, the English hardly did anything against the Spanish fleet. The main problem was the winds, the Spanish had to divert (granted because of the English vessels) into the Netherland ports, once there the winds only blow NW. Since the Spanish vessels were the large ships of the line, they could not sail into the wind, so were forced to go over the Northern British coast, and then the storm hit. All the English really did was give them a few pinpricks, they guided themselves into the fire.

hmm forget the name, the one in africa where the brits got ass raped by the zulu warriors, brits devastating and humiliating defeat (zulu bring knifes to a gun fight and win).

it forced the brits to bring a whole chunk of their forces to come to africa and basically eradicate all the zulu tribes.

Oh yes. And if it wasn't bad enough, they got nukes now. I sure as hell don't want to piss them off. Next one they get into will be the 6 minute war.

lThese days it the question is more like "who doesn't have nukes?"

When I made the mistake of pissing off my sister...

Sadom if you watch the news.....

the vietnamese also broke free from mongolian rule during ghengis khan's era and also chinese rule. pretty good for a country about the size of california.

Not really, the jungle isnt exactly suited to highly mobile archer calv.

Just as the US army was designed around the rolling plains of Europe I'm sure they had a hell of a time trying to adapt to the dense jungle.