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lend me your wit
The fax machine is in my office. Every time my co-worker gets a fax, I pick it up off the machine, and walk it into his office (next door to mine). Without fail, he asks "What is this?"
It's a fax. It's been faxes for the last eight years, and still he asks, "What is this?" as I hand it to him. Soooo...I started getting creative in my answers. But, I've reached a creative lull. Please help me come up with things to say. Previous answers include: Paper airplane kit Oragami tiger - it just needs a little folding Message from Satan...something about seeing you in Hell The Magna charta Your horoscope, silly Libra! email...when did the fax get its own email account, anyway? flamable one thousand papercuts just waiting to happen. A color copy of a black & white doccument Please, give me ideas. Lend me your wit. |
the last thing you will ever see
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"Just the facts, sir...nothing but the facts"
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"What is this?"
... My suicide note the latest from the telegraph a list of jokes I got in my email a flyer for my gig at the club tonight scientologist personality survey it's not what you think! proclamation of my undying love for you a fax ... I sprayed cologne on it for your sniffing pleasure. i'm spent |
A bowling ball.
Sign-up sheet for the company orgy. A summons. (reading) Hmmm. Looks like you're fired. A parchment inscribed with strange symbols. It's from my Mom. A birthday party invitation from the boss. Naked pictures of the boss. Ransom note. It's from the garage. Your head is ready. A bomb. What's left of the rainforest. Frequent buyer coupons from the adult toy store. A message from God. Look out. I don't know. I can't read. Page 1 of 1500. Shredder food. I'm not sure, but it might be a fax. Encrypted transmission from our operative in Bulgaria, SIR! A do-it-yourself tampon. The latest polls. It's from Hustler. Something about your subscription. A restraining order. Decals for a model airplane. The world's thinnest encyclopedia. Wallpaper samples. It's your lunch order from Paper Hut. A treasure map. Cup of coffee. Dehydrated spitballs. More work for me. The constitution. Instructions for making a nuclear weapon. |
breaking news from Washington
a recipe for lasagna a piece of dead tree blueprints for your new clubhouse ...I'm not that creative. None of mine are quite as good as "1,000 papercuts waiting to happen." I really liked that one. |
A tree after a nasty accident.
Your will, please sign the bottom. Paper with text on it. What's what? You did what with a dog? A small boat waiting to be built. A new hat if you have some skill. A note from that hooker you picked up last week, she said you gave her the clap. |
yoru reciept from the porn sites you subscribed to today
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BAAAAAAA! For some reason, this one is the funniest of all. |
A rectangle.<br>10 kilos China White ready.<br>Your wife is leaving you.<br>You're pregnant, congratulations.
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a volkswagen...
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Toilet paper for people with really wide asses.
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One huge mother of an LSD laced stamp.
The latest in fashion. The new wave in communications technology. Maybe you've heard of it? Wraping paper for the worlds smallest elephant. Kindling. A quilt. Recylced granola. It is a play. It is a play, I say. A play on your studpitay. I do not want it in my room. I would not touch it with a broom. I will not tell you one more time. I will not tell you for a dime. It is a fax. A fax, dumbass. |
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I couldn't come up with anything funny about the fax, so I just thought up of things to say.
"A letter from your secret admirer" "A memo saying everyone's pay is being cut 25% to cut costs" I wish I could take credit for this one, but I can't. My personal favorite: a quote from Jules Winnfield (that I'm surprised hasn't been posted already) "Say 'what' again. SAY 'WHAT' AGAIN! I DARE YOU, I DOUBLE DARE YOU MOTHER FUCKER! SAY 'WHAT' ONE MORE GOD DAMN TIME!" |
yfff.
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A few more since I'm bored.
My screenplay, I wanted you to look it over A whole new list of acronyms for use in the office A list of things I need you to get from the grocery store Dear Abby wrote you back Playgirl sent back your pictures 101 "Knock knock" jokes for kids ...I still got nothin' |
a broken record
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Tell him the bathroom is out of toilet paper and youre just looking out for him. Yeah I know its lame but you could just tell him its your resignation too.
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"Obviously you're not a golfer..."
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I called the central office and told them we were out of paper so they faxed us some.
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The last Willy Wonka Golden Ticket...Hooray!
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Make a fax cover sheet with the word "FAX" on it in 200-pt. type. When he asks the question, say "Du-uuuuuh."
Alternatively, have the coversheet say "THIS" instead. When he asks the question, say "Get a dictionary." |
A letter from your proctologist confirming your appointment.
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Your resignation, sign here.
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Your mission, should you choose to accept it.
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Either scream or laugh, then run.
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it's a pregnacy test. i'm pregnant with your child.
YOU SUNOVABITCH! It's a fax. See that machine there? Yeah, I know it looks thirty years old, but it sends pages over the phone. *smack* you must be on crack. |
I applied for a license to kill, and this is my learner's permit.
Indisputable proof of life after birth. A list of demands from the people who are tired of being considered minor characters in the story of your life. Tumor-gram It's from a polite gay guy in a bar. He wants to know if you'll let him push in your stool. |
It's a list of the world's most annoying questions. Say... you're good! How did you know what #1 was?
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A list of responses to the question you ask everytime I hand you a fax!
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Ebola
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"I don't know, but it's got some white powder on it and .... urghh...." and then fall over
"Your bank details, and I found it on the fax machine." "A love letter from someone called Big Gay Al... Something you want to tell me?" Mr Mephisto |
yooouuuu
something about hair paste how dare you, racist what is your FACE! BAAAZINGGG! youch you hear that burn, i am really on today can i have your autograph my daughter loves your work wait a minute your not tom cruise, whyd you say you were, damn attention whore never mind that, how come you never return my calls id be more worried about where your wife is right now sssssuuuhhhhh the babys sleeping |
ransom note from your ass, asking a price for your head.
invitation to something called, "Dwarf-A-Pallooza". bring your own dipping sauce. the war's over, sir, i'd like to go home and marry my sweetheart Edith May. black paper with whiteout all over it Michael Jackson's written confession love letter from OJ Simpson soilent green. it's people, you know. letter of rejection from the sperm bank a little bit country, and a little bit rock and roll. the cold, hard truth behind pimento loaf i've figured out time travel..... (then walk back out of the office backwards, just as you came in. walk back in and use another line. deny the incident.) it's from the police. it's about your chair. don't stand up. piñata for people with no depth perception war on drugs, you've been called up. i don't know, but i think it's dead list of your shortcomings. want a tissue, pussy? 10 things i hate about you my first erotic story before you say anything, it was your daughter's idea. seems to be some form of language, do you think they're trying to tell us something? God, it's sexy when you say that. (fan yourself as you walk out) genealogy report- you're actually a quarter moron, not a total jackoff. tainted love. |
* A document give me your power of attorney.
* A free sample of printer paper. Look! It has a demo fax on it. * Well, it USED to be George Washington's teeth. * I don't know, a Jehovah's Witness just gave it to me as I was walking in. * Just a little something I got from my pal Mohammed that I thought you would enjoy. Don't worry if its a little dusty. Excuse me while I go decontami...I mean wash my hands. * Es ist ein Berliner (its a jelly donut?) * (Stand outside the office and randomly tap on the wall a little bit then go in; respond) If you knew morse code, you would already know. |
"Shut up and eat your cheese sandwich"
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analog, you fucking rock.
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A white guy who got run over :lol:
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You could throw the paper up in the air and start singing:
What's this? What's this? There's color everywhere What's this? There's white things in the air What's this? I can't believe my eyes I must be dreaming Wake up, Jack, this isn't fair What's this? What's this? What's this? There's something very wrong What's this? There's people singing songs What's this? The streets are lined with Little creatures laughing Everybody seems so happy Have I possibly gone daffy? What is this? What's this? There are children throwing snowballs here Instead of throwing heads They're busy building toys And absolutely no one's dead There's frost on every window Oh, I can't believe my eyes And in my bones I feel the warnth That's coming from inside Oh, look What's this? They're hanging mistletoe, they kiss Why that looks so unique, inspired They're gathering around to hear a story Roasting chestnuts on a fire What's this? What's this? In here they've got a little tree, how queer And who would ever think And why? They're covering it with tiny little things They've got electric lights on strings And there's a smile on everyone So, now, correct me if I'm wrong This looks like fun This looks like fun Oh, could it be I got my wish? What's this? Oh my, what now? The children are asleep But look, there's nothing underneath No ghouls, no witches here to scream and scare them Oe ensnare them, only little cozy things Secure inside their dremaland What's this? The monsters are all missing And the nightmares can't be found And in their place there seems to be Good feeling all around Instead of screams, I swear I can hear music in the air The smell of cakes and pies IS absolutely everywhere The sights, the sounds They're eveywhere and all around I've never felt so good before Thsi empty place inside of me is filling up I simply cannot get enough I want it, oh, I want it Oh, I want it for my own I've got to know I've got to know What is this place that I have found? What is this? Christmas Town, hmm... I just watched that movie. |
and 4tehW1n:
its a fax. |
I say, don't take them in to him and see if he comes looking for them. When he asks if any faxes came for him, Look at him with a funny expression and say, Humm, when did we get a fax.
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The results of your blood test...sorry, you failed.
A message that will self destruct in 10 seconds. I could tell you, but I would have to kill you. Extra Dry baby wipes. (start singing like Eddie Vedder) "Sheet of empty canvas........" I spent hours drawing snow, what do you think? It's from Death, he says he will talk to you tonight. It is 101 ways to keep an Idiot in suspense. Mention to him that you will tell him about it tomorrow. Ok, that's all I could think of, all the other good ones were taken! Good lists so far!!! |
This thread is hilarious... ok ok my turn..
It's fax barf A birthday note from your wife and my kids A memo demanding my promotion The stack starter |
Origami boulder kit
Satellite photos of Pam Anderson's nipples A "cease and desist" from the Hamster Dance people. Something you want to tell me? Fried egg. Just the white part. New employee handbook, I think... it says, "How To Serve Man" (man I hope someone gets this one) Original script for Ishtar The answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything. (i hope someone gets this one too) Annual Precipitation Report for Lapland Positions of the Kama Sutra for Boring Fucks Cheap diaper Matzo I was just about to toss it on the grill, how do you like it done? TPS report (from the movie Office Space) Last Will and Testament for your penis… I’m sorry. Candy-gram. the Rosetta Pamphlet I don’t know, but it says it’s your turn to bring the virgin. |
Gandalf's horse with its shadow.
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Your EEG...is a straight line bad?
Throw rug for a doll house a visitor from Flatland Palmer, Alaska phone book Accident report...did you really hit four police cars and a nun? |
a list of dirty words, fuckhead.
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:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: that is so fucking funny!! |
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"Hey man, have you seen our new super thin pasta machine? Got any sauce on ya?"
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OMG, this thread is freakin' funny! :lol:
Many thanks to Majik_6 for reviving it from the dead :icare: |
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-Lasereth |
"What is this?"
"A letter from our boss...it looks like you're getting the axe." "What?" "I said it's a letter from our boss, looks like a fax." -Lasereth |
* Our prenups, honey
* You say that to all the guys, don't you? * What's what? ::look at hand:: AAAAHHH! God! It's attacking me! ::shake paper around in foolish manner:: * You know, "this" is just another anagram for "shit" and I don't appreciate you yelling it at me every morning * this Pronunciation Key (ths) 1.* WHEN WERE YOU GOANNA TELL ME ABOUT THIS?!?!?!?1. Used to refer to the person or thing present, nearby, or just mentioned.2. Used to indicate the nearer or the more immediate one. * Just sign at the bottom... MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! |
This is a demonstrative pronoun.
It's a list of the world's 10 dumbest questions. Out of date now, though. |
I don't know but it's ticking
you want to know? Pull my finger It's from the cat, he has the dog. He's demanding catnip if you want to see (insert dog name here) again. your lack of creativity O, I had your email forwarded to the fax here let me read it to you "Dear, John" surgery? I didn't know you had surgery. Weird, its addressed to Nancy....O well congratulations...Nancy Something about her being 16 not 26 your wife left you, and she wants half looks like you daughter tried to fax her doll again your psych bill...jesus planned parenthood with the test results It's from your accountant, from St. Barts (hand it to him upside down) Not sure, it's written in a weird language (leave) (staple it a bunch of times) not sure but I think we need to feed the fax machine some prunes Its demands from the fax, it's holding Mr. Coffee hostage you know that young guy in accounting? Its from him, and your wife. It's from satan, he says no deal on the soul HEY! It looks like your going to be a daddy...but who is (say someone other than his wife's name) Those are all I can think of for now. |
I'd start making a copy of the fax, and everytime he asks you "What's this?", just crumple it up in front of him and say "I'm sure it was nothing."
Then again, I'm an ass. |
just say, "it's the fax, NOTHING BUT THE FAX (slam him on the ground at this point) I WANT NOTHIN BUT THE FAX, YOU HEAR ME!? IF YOU LIE TO ME SO HELP ME GOD I'LL DO EVERYTHING I CAN TO GET YOU LOCKED UP FOR GOOD!"
..that should get a good laugh outta him, or maybe get you sued. |
It's a paper cut with your name on it...
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Old thread, revived! I'm not even sure if clavus has the problem any more. But here goes...
I don't know, but the fax machine just gave birth. It's a boy. It appears to be a piece of paper, but I could be wrong. It's a fancy hat waiting to happen. I'm not sure, but I know it's not a catheder. Don't ask... It's something about a virus spreading through fax papers. Good thing this isn't a fax paper, otherwise you woulda known that as soon as I walked in the door, right? |
its a white sheet of paper with words on it, but thats not important now...
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Say nothing. Then break out in random show tune and dance around his desk
(While staring intently at fax mutter) Sparrow, you magnificent bastard. (when he asks fold paper quickly and hide it) This? Nothing! Nothing at all. *wink $19.99 for a vibrating! mumble...mumble. (sheepishly grin when eye contact is made) |
"Your commitment papers are ready."
"It's your layoff slip. Sorry man, and to think I just got a raise!" "Its from the Sex Offender Registry. Your pardon application was revoked." |
You're fired!...now get your stuff out of here by five, and follow the instructions on this paper.
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One of Jackson Pollock's early, figurative works.
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Hmmmmm, it say's "power of Attorney for insert jackass's name" Anyway, you just need to sign the bottom.
and of course... "What is this?" "This is what" (and hand it to him) |
A death sentence.
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1. "It is Jack's complete lack of suprise" (requisite Fight Club Reference)
2. Drop paper on floor - "A Native American's tear." or 3. Anyone sitting that close to the copy/fax machine needs -meister or -arino attached to the first name, per Saturday Night Live. That should be punishment enough. "The Stevemeister, makin' copies!" |
...the latest from the AP wire.
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"What's this?"
Divorce papers from your wife. Fax from the free clinic... you have three months left Fax from your doctor, your infected Thank you, you have been served You daughter is pregnant, Ricky Martin's the father Not sure, can you read? Love letter from your Sister...oh sorry it's to me A nun was hit by a steamroller Your dry cleaning A letter from the aliens... something about your probe later... with or without lube, check one A letter from Ed McMahon, you lost Commitment papers, sign here Letter from your son, he's on heroin and needs money Your wife is apparently pregnant and your not the father Pictures of you naked on your lawn bunch of words on a piece of paper... that little beige guy gave it to me... he's my friend I call him George Fax from your boss... you're getting promoted! Oops, no it isn't. A death threat, good luck. |
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and now the boss is heading out of his office to make sure i'm working!!! |
"Fuck You"
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Ask him what he thinks it is, that for the past (however long it's been), it's been the same thing....what could it possibly be?
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Sony Bono's killer.
Free money. Just add green ink. |
From Merriam Webster:
THIS 1 a (1) : the person, thing, or idea that is present or near in place, time, or thought or that has just been mentioned <these are my hands> (2) : what is stated in the following phrase, clause, or discourse <I can only say this: it wasn't here yesterday> b : this time or place <expected to return before this> 2 a : the one nearer or more immediately under observation or discussion <this is iron and that is tin> b : the one more recently referred to |
"an old school email."
"yes, it is." "picnic blankets for the flea circus..." scratching furiously "CDC warning... they found some virus in the air conditioning vents" twitch and cough violently "You've been served." |
For analog - it's a cookbook...
Hmm, a few options. Act really nervous and when he asks you what it is say "uh, nothing, really, nothing at all, just sign it and give it back please, no need to read it..." Or pull the ink cartridge from a pen and give him that and the first page. Then try to convince him that it's electronic paper and the pen is the 'stylus'. Bonus points if you can actually convince him, then when he tries the 'stylus' on the paper look really up set and say "aw, shit you broke it! R&D's gonna have my ass on a platter!" Even better if your company doesn't actually have an R&D department. Or just tell him what it actually is and then laugh maniacally. Maniacal laughter adds surrealism points to everything. |
More..
Tell him it's your latest piece of performance art. Then strike a dramatic and/or goofy pose. Or tell him it came out of the combination phone/printer in your office. Then tell him that someone called for him too and wanted you to pass on SKRREEE-OOOOWOWOWOWOWWWOOO. It's ink and white space. A missive from the overlords - all hail the overlords! Highly classified. Then refuse to let him look at it, insisting that he doesn't have enough clearance. The work of an infinite number of monkeys. Then tell him that Macbeth is printing now and should be done by next Tuesday. Your manuscript and you want him to produce it. Proceed to explain in depth about how it's a gripping and dramatic tale about <content of fax> Before answering, tape it to the window face out. Then tell him that it's a note to the window cleaners. It's his latest psych evaluation. Tell him you took the liberty of writing the test for him and that the orderlies should be arriving any minute now. |
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