Digesting compliments
 

I've never been good at compliments... giving or receiving. I mean, I can tell when someone is kissing my ass and when they really mean it. I just don't understand why some people say the things they do.

When someone compliments another person's looks, it's a no-brainer. A simple thank you will do. However, I get this one a lot, "You have the best job ever." What am I supposed to do with this information? "Thank you," doesn't really fit as a response. "Your job is pretty cool too," would be a lie in most cases. What the hell? I mean, to me, my job is my job, but... ya know, maybe I've got it all wrong! I just have no clue what compliments are used for.

What is a compliment to you? What makes you feel the need to give one? How do you feel when you get one? What's the best compliment you've ever recieved? How about the best you've ever given?

I take 'em as I can get 'em.
Life's too short, and the compliments are too few.

Sometimes I don't understand how they have come to that opinion of me,
I'm a bit cynical of myself. (the ego is just a mask),
but I say "thank you"...I do appreciate it.

When I someone compliments me, I don't think they are fishing for a compliment too.
I take them as sincere...and I do the same for others.

The little nicesities of people make the day easier.
Life is rough enough as it is.

Im pretty much like rogue (glad to see the old avatar by the way!)

I just accept them anyway I can get em.

hey, hal, the first time i ever saw you, you looked out rogue's door and said, "nice car," and i had just gotten out of my taurus. i don't think you even knew who i was then. that could be considered a compliment...it was by me, anyway...

Re: Digesting compliments
 

That sort of compliment is really about envy; probably friendly envy, like admiring someone else's new car. But you're right, they're not saying "You're a great human being." What they are saying is, "You're lucky." The answer is "I know," or maybe "Yeah, I lucked out," if you're feeling humble. You don't have to return the compliment, because it really isn't one.

Why do I give compliments? If I see somebody doing something good, and I want them to continue doing it in the future (why wouldn't I), I compliment them on it. A compliment is positive feedback; keep doing what you're doing. You're on the right track. Your hard work is paying off. Dude, that's really beautiful.

Honest feedback is always a good thing; if somebody's doing something that sucks, you'd better tell them. But if they're honestly trying to do well and they still suck, there's alway's need for a honest compliment to prepare the way for constructive criticism.

All that said, I don't always take compliments all that well. Sometimes brush them off, even though I really want them. Gotta work on that.

Re: Digesting compliments
 

Halx, this is an insightful post, you've asked a really good question...

OK, yes, that was a deliberate compliment induced by the topic itself. However, it was also sincere...
You aren't alone. Most people aren't. Otherwise there wouldn't so many awkward moments in life.

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I mean, I can tell when someone is kissing my ass and when they really mean it.

If you don't know the motivation of most compliments, can you be sure of the sincerity or lack of it? For example: I suspect you may have interpreted some of my compliments as sucking up (maybe not). My reasons for complimenting you are varied but I assure you that if I wanted to kiss ass, I wouldn't pretend to be giving you a compliment. I would kiss ass. :) But you knew that didn't you...

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... I get this one a lot, "You have the best job ever." What am I supposed to do with this information?

It may be an expression of envy. You could either acknowledge the truth of the statement (if it is true) e.g. "yeah, it is kinda fun, much better than serving the corporate monsters" or you could let them know that isn't so great "eeeh, not really. I get yelled at a lot and it seems like I am working every moment of my life... besides, the pay sucks..."

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...I just have no clue what compliments are used for.

see below...

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What is a compliment to you?

Usually an expression of support to let someone know that their life makes a difference. Even if we already know that, we need to be reminded of it sometimes.

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What makes you feel the need to give one?

Usually because I see that someone needs cheering up... or... because they have done something that I really admire and that feeling needs to explode out of me. Sometimes it's just because I like seeing people be happy and knowing that I am the cause of it. I get off on making people happy.

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How do you feel when you get one?

Undeserving, ashamed, embarrassed and unworthy for the first 300 ms. Then, my self-conditioned reflex kicks in. I need to accept the compliment and get past my feelings of unworthiness. To do otherwise would be to call the other person a liar. Bottom line: I don't see myself as others do and they have a better view of me.

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What's the best compliment you've ever received? How about the best you've ever given?

Um... I've given and received a lot of complements over the years. The ones that come to my mind as the best are too personal for even me to share. But, that's the whole point. The best complements are the ones that come from those who really know you and touch something very deep inside you.

Actually, some of the compliments I have received here at TFP are very high on my list. Here's an example:Now here's a guy who knows how to give a compliment! What made it so good was the fact that it came directly from his heart, it was for something incredibly personal and it affirmed that the particular entry wasn't just an exercise in self-serving ruminating. The eloquence of it was in the sincerity, not the prose (although that warn't too bad neither).

So, why did I pay you that compliment at the top?

• Partly as an illustration of my point,
• partly because I knew I was going to enjoy answering the question and wanted to thank you for it,
• partly to validate that it wasn't a dumb question,
• partly because I could feel the frustration in your words and wanted to make you feel better,
• and partly to give you some practice at taking a light-hearted but sincere compliment

The reasons for compliments, as with other emotional expressions, are rarely singular or clear. They are usually both self-serving and altruistic. Even the most sincere complement is self-serving in that it allows the giver to share something with the receiver. It creates a bonding in an otherwise lonely world.

that's an interesting point i've never thought of before

what is the best way to respond to compliments like "your job rocks" ??

interesting.. i'll have to think about that

thank you works well for a job well done. it may seem awkward, but you aren't thanking them for the compliment you are thanking them for taking the time to notice.

BTW: for guys, adding the word "dude" somewhere in the compliment is a good thing.

I definatly take the modest approach, and brush em off, but I try to make my appreciation notable as well.

A facetious, loud and (most importantly) arrogant remark is the most fun. Likely it depends on your personality. I'm a facetious, sarcastic asshole, so this is what fills the akwardness best for me.

It's a precursor to small talk, and I use to be incredibly turned off by frivolous chit-chat until I realized that I am unable to maintain friendships without it. Turns out that small talk is important in keeping up with friends or acquaintances because it shows interest in your fellow beings and allows us to be the social creatures that we are. I can understand when compliments may throw you off guard and seem awkward to digest -- especially if you're not convinced that it means as much as everyone else says it does. I'm usually not happy about accepting compliments unless I believe that it deserves recognition. Otherwise, my reply is like yours: I just tell them "thanks". If I feel that the compliment is deserving of all that attention, I'm usually more excited about whatever accomplishment I've made to deserve that compliment, and I respond accordingly.

Sometimes I'm just taken back by something or just naturally feel a need to say something good. Other times I feel like I have to compliment... those are bad. They always come out awkward.

I am no good at taking compliments. I'm not too selfconfident and hearing anything good is always a shock. I usually give a nervous smile/laugh and say thanks very hesitantly.

Its awesome when I get compliments, but they are few and far between so it makes them all the sweeter. Mmm relish.

Recieving praise graciously is as great a gift as giving praise.

Re: Re: Digesting compliments
 

I believe simply agreeing is a good response to a complement when an expression of gratitude is awkward. I agree with Rodney's "'I know,' or maybe 'Yeah, I lucked out,'" to respond to the complement you mentioned.
As to why I complement, it's to make someone happy or let them know they made me happy. I agree with angel146 on motivation.

Man, this agreeing shit can really get out of hand. ;)

I like to receive compliments, but at the same time, I have a hard time receiving them because sometimes I feel like they're only given to me because somebody thinks they have to. As an example: I'm an actor. I have friends who always come to see the shows I'm in. When I leave the dressing room and meet them after a show, I always cringe, because I feel like most of them feel they are obligated to give me a compliment, and sometimes they do so when I can easily tell that they didn't like either a) my performance or b) the show in general. And I understand their dilemma because when I go to see MY friends in shows, I'm the same way. I feel wrong not saying anything at all.

But as other people have said, you can tell when somebody is really complimenting you and when somebody is feeding you a line of bullshit. My fiance is one of the only people I'll take compliments from because if she thinks something I did sucked, she'll tell me right off the bat. I can understand why people aren't honest with me, who would want to come out of a show and hear "you sucked?" Not me! I guess I just want everyone to genuinely like my performance. :)

I like what Lebell said: "Recieving praise graciously is as great a gift as giving praise." That is so true, and I'll relate it again to acting. Many actors are very critical of themselves, and when they hear "hey, you were fantastic," they respond with "nah, I sucked tonight." An answer like that does nothing but insult the person who gave the compliment. It makes them feel stupid for enjoying a shit performance. So when I'm in a situation like that, I always smile and say "thank you, and thank you so much for coming," because that's the honest truth.

I'm uncomfortable getting compliments, mainly because I always feel like immediately after receiving one, I'm going to be asked for something. I do take them as graciously as I can though. And I'll only give a compliment when I think it's necessary and believe in what I'm saying.

i love giving them, and love receiving them.

like today, in class, the really really cute girl told me my haircut made me look like Tom Cruise in Cocktail (a fav movie of mine)... HEAD SWELL...

lifes short, compliment a lot!
with me, flattery will get you everywhere!

I like getting compliments but I usually don't know how to react to them properly. I don't often give compliments but I will try to now.

i wa born and raised to say thanks and give praise when praise is due. always have, always will.

i do see your point to an extent, though. i fucking loathe asskissing motherfuckers. you can't get any lower IMO.

but saying 'thanks' is like exhaling a breath and, even though it is that natural, it is not said unmeant.

also..... someone saying you have a cool job isn't a compliment to me. its just a fuckin statement.

hmmm. . . I ususally give compliments when i think someone needs a pick me up and or when i want to break the ice its really good too. . . when i get a compliment i usually get embarrassed and dont know how to thank people. . . but i have found that i am a better giver than a reciever even though that makes me a vunerable person by nature. . .

I give compliments because I truly care about the person and want to let them know what I appreciate about them. I once taught with a woman who would deny every compliment I gave her. I finally said, "Sue (not her real name), when I give you a compliment and you deny it, I feel kind of like you are calling me a liar. I am honest in what I say and would appreciate a thank you." She was floored -- but she did start saying thank you; and her self esteem went way up!

Recently Lebell has had to remind me of the power of the words, "thank you" when he compliments me. Thank you is always the appropriate response!

i'm proud of my kids, but those are awkward compliments......

"he's cute," or "he's smart."

what am i supposed to say to that? thanks? i know?

i guess i really shouldn't bitch about this one.

I am really shy, and I don't take complements well. If somebody tells me I do good work, or that I'm cute, I usually play it off.

"Oh, I could have done the job better"

or

"I'm not that cute, I hate my nose"

It's really bad, I know. I'm trying to work on it...

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I once taught with a woman who would deny every compliment I gave her. I finally said, "Sue (not her real name), when I give you a compliment and you deny it, I feel kind of like you are calling me a liar. I am honest in what I say and would appreciate a thank you." She was floored

been there, done that, kinda there right now, actually.

seeing people with no self esteeme downright sad. you compliment and they think you're trying to make a political-like move for your advantage.

awhile back i did just as you... i got irritated though (unsure if it was a good or bad thing) and told her straight up that I was seeing myself a liar by her words. yadayada. it changed everything when she realized i was being honest. on an ironic note, I have little self esteeme also. but i do get plenty of comments :) each and everyone is special to me.


there is no easier or better way to reply 90%+ of the time than simply saying "thanks!". if the comment is way odd, then "Thanks...?" or "Thanks. i think/guess?" works well.

if the person is just being a dick, feel free to slug him :)

the world would be better if more people were courteous and did give real thanks.

and hal, thanks for ftp. you're a good guy. take it how you will or see it as a simple, true statement.

Re: Digesting compliments
 

Well to your first question I guess you could just say "I know!" and give a big smile. It's not really a compliment, more an expression of positive envy, they would really want to be in your shoes (heh who wouldn't after seeing the 'kidnaping/spanking violet' video :D) but they don't hate you for it as they would if it were bad envy (but then you wouldn't hear the 'you have the best job ever'-statement instead they would just talk shit about you). It's just people giving you recognition for your choices in life.


A real compliment to me is when someone says something good about something i do. ("you are really good at (insert whatever)" or Your (insert whatever) is awesome!).

What makes me feel the need to give a compliment..
That's a though question, mostly it is when i see someone doing something i get impressed by but also when i notice someone getting a bit low on selfesteem i give them a "boost", just saying something nice about whatever it is they are nervous about usualy strengthen their morale. (Maybe that's abusing compliments, i don't know..).

The best compliment I have ever recived.. Another though one.
It has to be when my ex-gf begged me for sex (Really begged me no play at all). that was verry awkward but also the best boost for my selfesteem ever.

The best I have ever given.. hmm.. Judging by reaction I guess it was when I told one of my female friends that she is really smart. Her face practicly glowed every time she looked at me for the next month or so. (She had neve been taken seriously by her parents or other friends even though she is way smarter than I am).

In general I'm verry bad at reciving compliments but to most cases I would guess a simple and sincere "thank you" is a suffishient (Gzz.. not sure about the spelling of that word...) answer..

Speaking as someone who's told you before that you have a cool job, lemme see if I can get through some of the reasons why.

• It seems like a fun job to me.
• It makes me happy when fun people get fun jobs.
• Especially when I like the person.
• Actually, I admire you a bit, because I don't have the knowledge to do that job. Most of the "cooler" jobs are like that: they take specialized skills. You've got `em, I don't.

I think that's it, mostly. As far as compliments go, I can take them happily or unhappily, but I don't know that I've ever taken one graciously. ;)

I was brought up in the south. My parents taught me compliments are just part of good manners.
Now that I am older and have been on my own since I was 15 years old, I realize that working for or with someone that doesn't ever compliment you on a job well done makes you feel unappreciated. A simple 'good job' comment can go a long way in any kind of relationship. Now I know some of you are thinking that on the job, you shouldn't have to be told you're doing well because it is your job. Whatever you feel is fine with me. I can tell you this, if you post something in a thread at TFP that you have worked on for awhile it gives you a feeling of some kind of accomplishment when someone says how much they liked it rather than seeing 300 people looked at it and you only have 3 comments.
P.S. HALX, I do have a great job. You have so much going on that it would give me a headache ;)

For me, a compliment is anything 'good' or 'flattering' that is said about you.

I never feel the 'need' to give a compliment. I only compliment when I am impressed by something/someone enough that I want to tell the person about it. I don't go out of my way to compliment my girlfriend, but if I notice that I am admiring her (or a part of her) will usually say so.

Most compliments are ordinary and I don't think we really notice them. Like "nice car" or whatnot. Usually a thank you is the best way to handle those. Sometimes, for the more flattering ones, there really isn't much you can do except smile and say thank you. For sincere compliments that just don't seem right (like: "you have a very effecient nose" ) I just try not to respond in an offensive manner.

I can't think of any good compliments that I have given/recieved right now, but I will add them whenever they come to mind.

I am very self concious. When somebody complements me I usually think that they are just being nice and the compliment isn't really true. But when I can tell they are being genuine I feel exstatic. I really don't know how to answer them. I always feel akward. When I give compliments I always mean them. I can't really remember the best compliment I've ever had. But it was probably one from a great guy that I used to be friends with...

For me, compliments are in the same category with getting thanked for something. It's hard to hear when people give it to you, but it's actually a GIFT to other people to let them compliment you and thank you.

I think most human beings really don't want to get acknowledged or complimented or thanked--it's not just you, Hal. "Nice shirt." -- "Oh, this old thing?" It's embedded deep in how we relate to one another.

But we LOVE complimenting each other and thanking each other. And we feel snubbed and ripped off when those communications are brushed off. We don't notice it when we brush them off, but we sure notice when they get brushed off!

I once took on an exercise of thanking people for compliments and accepting it gracefully when we're thanked for something. The only answer I'd let myself give when complimented was, "Thanks!", and the only answer I'd let myself give when thanked was, "You're welcome!" Suddenly I found myself getting complimented and thanked A LOT by the people around me! Turns out when you're open to receiving those things, people WANT to give them to you!