Last night my daughter's boyfriend killed himself
 

We got the call this morning, we are numb, everyone been crying all day and I feel so bad for his parents and sister, my daughter has been distraught most of the day. He was such a sweet kid, just 16, it's so sad. His parents always left him alone. He has been coming over almost every Friday night but last night he was grounded and they left him alone again to watch his sister cheer at an away basketball game. They found him shot when they got home. Assholes, now I'm pissed off!

He had it bad for my daughter for years since 5th grade and about a month ago I could see it in her eyes, she was in love. I asked her and she got this unbelievable smile and sweetly said yes. Tears again! I hate the pain she's going through. Can't say anymore now. Halx, thanks for creating this great outlet!

We got your back...

I'm so sorry to hear about this. :( I can only imagine how painful that would be to go through. The best thing you can do for your daughter is to be sure that she understands that it wasn't her fault. Also that she's still very young and she will find love again. I hope that you all find some peace about this soon. Take care of yourselves.

She'll be double-guessing herself, what-if-ing...talk to her a lot, let her get angry and go through her grief. I'm so sorry. My kids are 15-I can't imagine having to go through anything like this.

That's really tragic, for everyone involved. It might be a good idea to consider enrolling your daughter in some sort of counseling so that she comes to understand that she is not at fault, etc. Best of luck to you in getting through this difficult time.

I agree with all the previous advice in this thread. That's terrible :( I really can't even fathom how your daughter, or you, or the rest of your family, must be feeling right now. Did he have a history of depression that his parents should have known to not leave him home alone?

He was upset about so many things. Your daughter was the hope and the shining star for him. I hope she can be glad that she gave him something to look forward to. :) Unfortunately he had so many bad things in his life that he felt he couldnt go on. It isnt in any way her fault. I wish you all peace.

Brew, my thoughts are with you and your daughter.

For personal reasons, I feel strongly about suicide. Please don't read the following if you're worried it will offend or upset you.



Brew, I'm sorry. I hope your daughter comes through this thing.

My daughter's second-to-the-latest boyfriend turned to meth. I'm not sure how well he is, currently, but she's in Peru touring, with the new guy. Where there's life, there's hope. right?

...guns make it even easier than drugs, with apologies to the squeamish.
We come individually packaged for many reasons, apparently.

I hope you do well, also, Brewmaniac. We're only responsible up to a certain point, you know.

This is horrible. I wish people could understand depression better. My thoughts are with you and your daughter.

Dang, Brew.... I will pray for his family and for yours, especially for your daughter, that God will pour grace and mercy upon you.

Wish I could give you more, but I can't. There are others who know more about psychology than I do, so I won't attempt any advice.

I can just say that I will pray - that's all I can do.

Please accept my condolences. My hopes are that your daughter will come out of this wiser, if not a bit more heart sore.

Kadath: Thank you for saying what no one wanted to, but needed to be said.

Brew: I'm sorry for your loss.

The only thing I'd say is not to drill the whole "his parents are assholes for leaving him alone and it's their fault he's dead" idea into your daughter's head. Suicide is a personal choice. Even if he was neck-deep in depression, it is at best their fault for not getting him help or watching him more carefully... but his death is ultimately no one's fault but his own.

Blaming the parents will not help your daughter grieve, and it is more than likely an incorrect assumption, especially considering the age of the boy. Parents do not always pick up on the signs of depression in their children- be it a lack of attention that would otherwise not be problematic, a lack of knowledge on the signs of depression, or plain old denial.

The best of luck to your family (and his) in dealing with this loss.

Brew, I read this this morning and it kind of rocked me. I have had both a best friend and my father commit suicide. It is never (ever) easy on those who are left behind.

The lists and lists of what ifs and should haves can overwhelm just as much as the anger at the person and sadness over the loss. Know that suicide is, as Analog suggests, a personal choice. The selfish choice was made and those left behind are left with nothing but pain and confusion.


Take heart that the pain subsides over time (though never quite completely).

My thoughts are with you and your daughter. PM me if you want to chat.

Im so so sorry to hear this...I have to echo, and I cannot stress enuff, your daughter needs to understand its not anyone's fault but his, when a person is bent on this course of action all the what if's in the world wont matter.

My prayers are with everyone involved

Brew, what a terrible thing for your family to deal with - especially your daughter. My thoughts are with all of you in this difficult time.

Damn...I don't really know what to type, but you have my sincere condolences. :sad:

Thank you all for your thoughts, advice and especially the prayers as they are comforting to us!

It's hard watching her go through such agony, words cannot describe. I wish I could grab her and hold her but I can't even do that. It's killing me! I feel helpless.

She is going to see her councilor on Monday and my wife is taking her to school and staying even if just sitting in the office, in case my daughter needs her.

We have unfortunately have been through this before with my wife's brother about 15 yrs. ago.

She talked briefly to his parents this morning and they want her to come over this afternoon, so my wife will take her because I can't get in their house, not ramped.
She wants to share her love with them.

No wants to blame them for leaving him alone so much but, I'm still angry they would leave him with a loaded gun in the house. I don't want that argument here please Mods, watch this!

Thanks again guys for your support!

My mothers father(my grandfather) killed his mistress and then killed himself. It really hurt my mom and her 8 siblings and 2 half siblings. I hate him for hurting her like that.

I went to high school with a boy who came home to find his mother in the basement. She had just found out that she had inoperable brain cancer and decided to use a gun.

I understand where you are coming from, you would do anything to keep your baby girl from hurting. You want to protect her from ever being hurt by anything for any reason. Unfortunately you cant. Be there for her, hug her if she will let you. Know that she will come out of this a stronger woman for having dealt with it. I have faith in her and yourself that this can be overcome and you can move on. Perhaps this experience will turn into something positive? Perhaps your daughter will become a suicide prevention counselor. Go on to make a difference in saving lives.

We are here to support you in any way we can. A shoulder to cry on or a sounding board if you need to vent your anger, anguish and or frustration. Use us when you need to. Please dont hold it in!

With your blessings I would light a candle if you like. I tend to pray a little different than the average Joe/Jane, :)

My wife and daughter went to the families home, I am so ripped up for all of them! Time will heal the wounds and my daughter will be tougher for it, as was said. She is exactly like her mother who's as tough as a pit bull!

Again thanks all for being so kind, especially when I'm alone, "it's great to have a place to go where everyone knows your name" as the song goes, sort of anyhow.

Youre never alone, we are with you always if only in your heart. :D

hey brew, i hate to hear about this. condolences to all involved. i don't all the philosophizing about the meaning and attributes of suicide are going to help much right now. y'all just have to accept the shock of it. you've pretty much always got a couple of us around here to chat with; i guess its one of the things we do well.

Sorry to hear this, I am here, I wish you well

I'm sorry to hear about this bad news. It's so horrible when a young person does something like this, not having the skills to cope with growing up and being left to his own devices. Was there any sign at all this could have happened? Such a shame.

I remember my highschool years there was a run of deaths in my classmates, car accidents, suicides and attempted ones. It is a horrible thing to have to go through, and I am sure amplified a million times because he was so close to your daughter.

My heart goes out to your family, especially your daughter.

That sucks, my thoughts are with you all, and your daughter.

Brew......hug your daughter and tell her that you love her.

I'm sorry, Brew. Really sorry. My best to you and both families.

That sucks. There are not many other words to use, but 'that sucks'.

My condolences to you and your family.

Never been through anything like this myself but my prayers are with you. It will get better day by day.

My condolences to you, Brewmaniac, and those who were close to him. I wonder what he was thinking when he took his own life?

That he couldn't go on, and had no one he could turn to for help.

Many moons ago, I had a buddy commit suicide. His fiance was raped, and back then, it was not standard to do a rape kit. She didn't know to ask for one. When the suspect was arrested, the county attorney declined to prosecute for lack of eyewitness or physical evidence.

She became so despondent about the circumstances, she took one of his guns, went to the scene, and shot herself through the heart.

A few weeks later, he did the same.

She could not deal with the shame of the rape (God knows why, but sex assault victims often blame themselves), and he could not deal with the shame of not being able to save her, and the guilt that he may have provided the instrument of her death.

Of course, she was not to blame for the rape, he could not have prevented it, and he was not to blame for her death. That's just how they saw it.

None of us saw it coming. All of us felt like we should have.

Do not react to this as if it is some sort of rational behavior.

1) You will blame yourselves, and when you do, forgive yourselves, because you are not to blame, here.

2) You will be angry with him, and when you are, forgive him, because he didn't do this to punish or hurt you.

You and your daughter remain in my prayers. Hold her, tell her you love her, and tell her that eventually, she'll be OK.

Now I'm scared she might do something stupid!

We don't want to leave her alone but I know we'll have to and that scares me!

Crying again, this fucking sucks!

_

brew,

deep breaths my man, deep breaths. be there for her, keep and eye on her, and talk about it. no reason to get too worked up about her hurting herself; just be aware that sometimes people make irrational decisions in these circumstances. so keep an eye out for her.

all will be well, y'all are in our thoughts.

Brewmaniac, is it something that you can talk to her directly about?
Have you already done so?

We have talked to her about almost everything, everyone here has given such good advice but,
I'm sure there's things we are missing, so if there's something we are missing please tell me!

Hopefully she will see how much everyone is hurting from his selfish (yes I too agree its very selfish to do this kind of thing) actions and it wont occur to her to do anything stupid as well

Brew, what sad terrible news. My heart goes out to your family and the young boy's family. I don't have any magic words other than I wish you peace. I hope it comes soon.

Stay interested in her plans, make plans to do things. "Hey, let's _____ this weekend." The more receptive to making plans to do things, the better. Keep this going with day-to-day things as well, especially over weekends... so on friday, maybe ask if she'd like to go someplace on monday after school.

She's going to be sad/depressed- what to look for is if she suddenly seems very cheery/happy one day (too soon) and has little explanation as to why. If she's willing to sit down and discuss why she's suddenly so happy, and it sounds good, then she's just done some good thinking and that's that. If she refuses attempts to chat about why everything is suddenly ok, that can be an unfavorable sign.

Suddenly becoming obsessed with death, or morbid, are not necessarily "freak out" signs- things like morbid poetry or writing, or listening to morbid/dark music. If it persists for a while, then maybe it's something to address (since the event may have actually changed some mental processes, though not necessarily towards suicidal ideation).

Stay calm, stay positive, and stay involved with her feelings. If she sees that you're watching her like a hawk, you will have a harder time consoling her, and she will distance herself- neither of which will help her. She may also distance herself from you if you attempt to console her by making statements like, "you'll love again" and things of that nature. Focus on the fact that he was a good guy, and it's a shame what happened, and you're sad he's gone, etc.

The more you reinforce that you care and that you're there for her, the better off you'll all be.

And I don't know if you have, or if you had thought about it, but if you go and google teen "suicide prevention" stuff and get a couple of those "what to look for" lists that tells you the patterns of a teen contemplating suicide, take them with a grain of salt. Some of them are so ambiguous or general in their approach that a totally normal teen could check off half of the list. You also happen to be dealing with a teen who is in active depression, so you might pull up the list and be able to check off damn near everything on it, if the list is bad enough. Even good lists easily and readily give false positives in normal teens, let alone an actively depressed teen.

So, don't let it freak you out. Be calm and rational. Stay positive, but don't try to force resolution. Encourage dialog, even if it's just her sobbing and randomly managing to blurt out teary words; it's still communicating, still showing her you really care and are there for her.

Take care, and I hope you all see a good (read: within a reasonably short period of time, and thorough) recovery from this loss.

Brew, I'm so sorry to read about this. I think you are doing the right thing by just letting your daughter know how much you love her and are there for her... and also in reaching out to the boy's family. Suicide is a horrible thing, and I have thought about it several times myself in the past, but I'm glad I never went through with it... although I know what it's like to be in that place. This isn't easy for anyone so I'll not say any more.

hey brew: how goes it? just thought i'd check in.

So sorry to hear that:sad: Time is the best medicine. I pray to God to give strength to Your daughter and your family to surpass this difficult phase of time. Keep faith, everything is gonna be okay

analog, where did you get so wise? Thanks for the input!

My wife went to school with her on Tuesday and sat in the back of all her classes. The whole school is rallying around her in support. In the lunch room all the kids sat at the tables around her and pulled up chairs, and they ostracized two boys that picked on the kid. My daughter even chased one with a water bottle. Which was a good outlet of pent up anger, I hope! She was a real trooper staying all day. God bless my wife I'm so glad she went with her.

Though the rumors were bad, we heard you have the suicide note, we heard you helped write it, did you break up with him, is that why he did it, what Bullshit!

Even a grief counselor brought in asked similar questions my wife said ok I'm only going to say this once, my daughter and Austin have been very close friends since fifth grade and have dated off and on for two years, I found out Saturday morning when his mother called me and it was a complete shock to us as it was to his family and out of respect to them and Austin there's nothing left to say except that we will never forget him!

She stayed home yesterday and went half day today on her own, it was tough I could tell. She won't come to me for support but I try to go to her and let her know I'm here for her and she starts the conversations or I'll ask what ya doing to start things off. I don't want to pressure her that might shut her down. All in all she is doing better than expected, her friends have been huge in trying to keep her spirits up.

I can't wait for the memorial service Saturday to be behind us.

Brew it seems your daughter has a real rapport with her mom. I'd encourage that, even it it seems that she is shutting you out at times. Maybe she identifies more with her mom in this situation, and that is a good thing. She is a young lady who has lost a young man who is/was dear to her, something her dad cannot/may not be able to fully understand (in her thought process.)

In the meantime, you seem to be doing all you can - just being available for her, being there and real for her. That's what she needs, I believe, parents who are real and are there for her. And who love her, no matter what.

Is there a chance you can spend some time with her, just asking "off topic" questions? Like, "what do you like about your friends?", "why do you like ........(insert current Ipod favorite)" and, if it leads to it, "What did your friends think about your relationship with ..... (I'm sorry, I don't know his name)".

If you ask these questions with an attitude of "I just want to know", as opposed to "I want to fix you", then you might get an answer. Go with the flow, info wise. It will take time.

But you must ask these questions as you do something else, such as eat McDonalds, or Ice Cream (really nice, creamy cones is best, I think)

If you haven't had much father/daughter times in the past, it might be difficult to build up to it now. But that is not a reason to not try. Keep trying, Brew, and don't give up. I believe it will pay off.

Oh, and indeed, God bless your wife - she's a good one!

hey brew sorry to hear this my heart goes out to you and the family. Wish you well.

So yesterday was the memorial service for Austin, it was at the community beach house on Lake Michigan, we got there about twenty minutes early and the doors were closed because the family was having a private service. The line started forming, we got in and they had two huge projection screens showing slide shows of his life from infancy. It wasn't like a funeral it was a celebration of his life. Still there wasn't a dry eye, his parents were rocks, I don't know how they did this eight days later.
I was told the line went way out into the parking lot.

At the end they had the release of 3 doves, my daughter had one her two best girl friends(consequently his friends going back for years) had the other two and after they let theirs go the Mother,Father and sister let a single one go to represent his spirit, they flew around in like a circle and were gone. What a service!

I'm glad it's behind us so we all can start healing.

Thanks again all for your wise advice and your support, I will Never forget it!

That's beautiful... I'm glad it has brought a little closure to a very difficult situation.

Sorry Brew, I just read your other thread about your daughter and backtracked to this one. There is not much any of us can do to take away this terrible grief. All we can do is be there for you. I've been through plenty of tragedies, so I know what its like. If you ever need to talk, just send me a pm. *Dave*

Well, sadly it's my turn to say that we have lost our 20 year old nephew because of suicide.

He shot himself on Tuesday April 10th and none of us have a single clue why. !!??? Why???? It's soo sad, and we are all in shock.

Those who spoke to him (Ryan) on Easter said he sounded real good and that he was looking forward to new classes in college and using his new bow to hunt deer and geese with his Uncle Adam (my husband's bro). Then his mom found him shot by his own rifle - in the head early on Tuesday morning. He was alone & it was very late at night.

We are all in a state of total shock. I just have to share...because I can't believe kids so young, seemingly happy & full of hope can end their lives in just the blink of an eye...

OH hunnychile, I am so very sorry to hear this. It strikes a chill in my heart.

My sincerest condolances to you and yours, as well as to Brew and his family.

Don't know what to say that hasn't been said.... but just wanted to offer my support and thoughts. Keep those lines of communication open.