Getting him to go the extra mile
 

I'm a hopeless romantic. I watch chick flicks and read romance novels. I like flowers and going on dates. So I have to wonder how did I end up with a guy who simply doesn't get it. He doesn't take me out to dinner, he takes me to Taco Time. He doesn't buy me flowers and chocolates, he buys me sex toys (not that I'm complaining). We don't make love, or even have sex, we fuck (Excuse the language, it's the most appropriate way to describe it) For our romantic nights, we order pizza and watch reruns of law and order and scrubs. Now don't get me wrong I like Taco Time, sex toys, fucking (again excuse the language), Papa Johns pizza, Law and Order, and Scrubs. But once in a while... I've talked to him about it, but nothing has really changed. It's not like he doesn't care. But how do I get him to do anything in the romantic category?

As much as we would like to be treated like the days of olde and be swept off our feet by romantic gestures, some guys just aren't knights. If you've said you want to be treated royally once in a while and he still doesn't, it's on to Plan B.
What's wrong with you being the knight in shining armor? Show up at his door with roses and tickets to a movie. Line the bedroom with soft candlelight and direct how you want things to go.
In other words, take the initiative.

Romance novels and chick flicks are all well and good if that tickles your fancy, but keep in mind that reality is pretty nice too. If "the extra mile" means 'doing things that AuroraWolf wants' then you're not going to get very far with your efforts. Does he otherwise appreciate you or do you two even have other things in common? If the answer is 'yes and yes' then maybe you should focus on enriching the more important parts your relationship. Beyond that, you could even explore why you two enjoy the things you do. That would provide a lot of insight for both of you and maybe encourage more compromise if necessary.

IMHO, anybody who describes herself as a 'hopeless' anything is going to have a hopeless struggle trying to convert somebody who has the hope of doing or liking other things. Is he a hopeless NON-romantic and are you two simply incompatible, or are you maybe expecting too much? It's worth some thought.

One approach is to educate him into the type of thing you like by doing it for him.

Or doing it together.

How about you plan a romantic weekend trip somewhere (doesn't have to be expensive - could be a local motel with a bottle of baby oil for a massage, and a walk in the country for a home-made pic-nic).

If you make him realise that doing softer more amorous things has a pay-off for him (slow gntle sex can be just as mind-blowing as "rutting" if it's done well) then h might add it to his emotional and amorous pallette.

Or ditch him and get a new man?

sounds like you picked him because he's a "project"...

why do people men/women included seem to want someone to change in their relationship?

accept him as he is, as he should accept you as you are.

I came in this thread to say that and suggest you take some inititive. The best way to have good things happen for you is to make them happen yourself.

Sit down with him, and make a wish list. Things you want, and things he wants. Then put the suggestions in a bowl, and you can draw one out, and that has to be done that night with no complaints.

Maybe he just doesn't understand the rewards if he were to treat you differently. Is he young? Maybe he is just inexperienced with the opposite sex.

Or just do to him, as you would like done to you, and this should help.

I have a question, did he ever do those things? If he never has, I'm not sure why would expect him to suddenly start without you prompting him in some way. I'm with many of the others, you're going to have to show him what you want.

This is truth.

I know it's nice to not have to do it all, all the time, but do put some effort into *you* doing want you want, making it happen, and then see if he just accepts it, resents it, incorporates it, etc.

Good luck!

Amen to that. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. My wife has tried and failed. But now that we're beyond all that, I actually do try a little more here and there, perhaps since the pressure isn't so strong any more!

you picked him, you're stuck with him. If you don't like it find someone else who meets your needs. If you are looking for a chivalrous guy, try looking somewhere out of the ordinary.

TALK TO HIM ABOUT YOUR NEEDS AND WISHES!



well there's always the tazer... but thats a last resort...

I don't think it's that you can't teach an old dog new tricks, it's that you can't expect any dog to just start doing tricks all by itself without any input on your part. You said it yourself you try to do more...more than when? Before it was made known to you that there was more to be done I'll bet.

^

Another good point.

I think your thread title really sums up whats going on here.... you're trying to "get him to go the extra mile". As a man who has been on the receiving end of that sort of sentiment on occasion I'll tell you what that sounds like in my head: You're trying to figure out how to make your SO do something you want. However, I'm sure that it has been said in your discussions that you don't really want him to do it, you want him to WANT to do it. The problem is, that doesn't really work, and in my experience only causes resentment.

When you talk to him and lay out your list that you wish he would do more, does he respond with things that he wishes you would do more?

If you want him to go out of his way to make you feel special, you're going to have to go out of your way to make him feel special. You're also going to have to pay attention to what you are doing, and see that it really IS making him feel special, and isn't just making YOU feel like you're doing something special for him.

Been there, done that...

I'd find someone else, if you can't deal with it.

I only see 2 solutions.

You deal with it, and stay with him and thats how it is.

or

You somehow get him to change, he is doing all this stuff but its fake to him.

From my own experience at least.


Some people are just not emotional like you seem to be. Some guys just want to chill out at home with their girl. Eat some pizza, quick fuck once in awhile and have someone there.
Nothing wrong with them, they just aren't into the same thing as other people.

Changing that type of person is a bitch, and no good for either person. I'm not a fan of molding someone into what you want of them.