Spontaneous Masturbation (NSFW)
 

Remember that picture we've all seen of that old geezer-lady that suddenly burst into flames in the bathroom?

http://www.bonkworld.org/media/img/shc.jpg

I started wondering what she could be doing in the bathroom that would cause her to suddenly burst into flames and I thought, what if she were masturbating and it was God's spontaneous wrath? It's not as if we can tell from that photo. All that's left was a pile of ashes and a couple of feet.

Then, I got to thinking, has anyone ever spontaneously masturbated? I mean, like, you're sitting there, doing your taxes when all of a sudden you start to rub one out? Or maybe you're watching Deal or No Deal and just when Howie Mandel points to the camera, you reach down your pants and grab hold of something?

Me personally, I haven't ever spontaneously masturbated, but I plan on doing it soon. Oddly enough, planning on it doesn't make it spontaneous, does it?

Let's discuss spontaneous masturbation and let's do it here because if I have to read one more thread about the mundane bullshit of daily life I'm going to masturbate on my balcony in broad daylight.

Oh, and just so we don't have to have that thought in our heads, I'll put in a photo to aid in the discussion of spontaneous masturbation.

For the ladies and gay men:
http://www.asstr.org/~Kristen/learning/mast.jpg


For the men and lesbians:
http://www.menswellnessnewsletter.co...ss20050411.jpg

:lol: :lol: never heard of it :lol: now that you've mentioned it, though, I think I do it all the time...thanks for the second visual. WHAT a concept.:lol:

Well, I try my best not to masturbate in public, but otherwise I think I spontaneously masturbate pretty often. I have been known to lock myself into my bathroom and masturbate in front of my full-length mirror. :suave: And I take showers simply for the purpose of masturbation quite often. Maybe this is the best way to prevent spontaneous combustion. Gawd, I'd hate for that to happen.

Is this the sort of information you're looking for? :lol:

I do it often enough. Sometimes I'll just get the urge to masturbate and I'll go masturbate.

I've only masturbated once at work, but I've done it quite a few times as a pubescent little boy at friends' houses (what else do pubescent little boys do? :) )

-Tamerlain

Howie regularly commands me to begin the revolution, but never to spontaneously masturbate.

Hell JJ I do that all the time....Thank Grace my little winky hasn't caught on fire yet.

I'm bad about this. I'll be reading the news or playing a roleplaying game... then bam! I'm masturbating. It comes out of nowhere.

Sometimes the thought..the feeling will just happen to slip into my mind. I'll be staring at Patrick Stewart's bald head on Star Trek, then a little increase in heart rate and thoughts about the opposite sex spontaneously happen (not that I get turned on by Patrick Stewart...err..)

I often get the urge while I'm cleaning house. Wonder what that could mean?

That Heineken commercial with the dripping bottle and the flashing lights.
Like Pavlov's Dog.

My cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on a plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane started spinning around, going out of control, so he decides it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad. So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, *Snap* the hydraulics kick back in. The plane rights itself and it land safely and everyone puts their pieces or, whatever, you know, away and deboard. No one mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.

.............well? Did he come or what??

Jesus Christ, man. There's just some things you don't talk about in public.

It's the vacuum cleaner. All that power...gets me everytime. :lol: I'm vacuuming and then *bam* strip tease dancing. ;)

Spec, lmao...you so made that up. :p

I used to do spontaneous masturbation a lot more. It would be quite shocking because I wouldn't know what was going on until...Whoa, whose hand is that? Oh it's mine. :suave:

That happened from ages 13-23 I think. Not so often anymore now that I'm married and all. But occassionally it does occur. Fun times.

How about masturbating in your sleep? I've woken up with my hand between my legs going at it many times. *shrug* I dunno...old habits die hard. :p

You bunch of freaks!



I still love you guys.

I for one vote well go back to talking about daily boring life if only to force JJ to masturbate on his balcony in broad daylight.

awww, you say the sweetest things. :icare:

Well, MM, the good thing about doing it in the shower is that if you spontaneously catch fire it'll get put out real quick.

Back when I used to need to do it five-six times a day it couldn't be spontaneous because I wasn't living alone and didn't have privacy. Now that I'm a geezer I don't need it as often. Still nice every now and again when company isn't available, though.

I used to, when ever. Now, it's so much more difficult. The length of time it takes, and no availability (by myself time) has totally disappeared. I'm sure I would more often if I were able to.

..........

A few weeks ago my girlfriend woke me up cause I was masturbating in my sleep.

And no... she didn't help. She just rolled over and went back to sleep.

awww, it started out so good, but then it ended so sad. ;)

So...

I take it then that the "Honeymoon" phase of the relationship is over?:lol:

Thanks guys... now it's really depressing. :D

jj,

great thread. and the answer is: yes, of course. insomnia + bad tv + ??? = smackalackaslimadomadingdong. i mean, at times when i was younger (which, albeit is all moments up to now) i've knocked it out in a car. while driving. at other people's houses. i mean, really....

i've never dropped one off and blown up. i guess that lends credence to the dangers of static electricity and aggressively rubbing dry, rough surfaces to the point of incineration. what's most distressing is when my pets are around. you think they know what's going on? i choose to believe they do. and they're cheering for me.

I think they do. My cat always gets off my lap and leaves the room whenever I start yanking.

Charlatan,
Don't make me go out there and do it, 'cause you know I will.


Shesus tells me that I sometimes spontaneously jerk it out in my sleep. So, if I spontaneously combust while masturbating in my sleep, at least it'll be in my sleep.

Of course... spontaneous is the way forward!

One time, out camping with the guys - said i'd go into the woods to get some firewood... hadn't had one for a while - dropped the wood, dropped my pants, grabbed my wood and wanked away in amongst the trees

Did it in different woods on the way home from a late night drinking session (I think the rush from being scared in the pitch black turned me on

Did it while working late in the ladies toilets (the men's stink of piss)

The list goes on.

Outside in the open is the best in my opinion:thumbsup:

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Piggie's back.

I was almost expecting you to say you already had. :p

yeah, but jj, i have to suspect that's just because the vibration disturbs them. maybe they're just getting out of the way. they know something awesometastic is going down, but they don't know what. best to duck and cover, so to speak.

and do you know what the terminal velocity of a dollop of self-release is? i don't. but i bet getting hit by it on the street would suck ass.

m2,


i never really leave. i'm in this place for the long haul. shit, i love the tfp. god, i'm strangely aroused. hold up a second....




ahhhhh...head's all clear.


what were we talking about?

Is that what hit me when I was walking to my car? I thought/hoped it was pigeon shit...

hey, jj love is well...it is what it is. at least you're still alive....the_jizz...i meant, the_jazz

When ya gotta do, ya gotta do. I blame god.

It happens. sometimes these things happen... cause who knows how to please you better than yourself?

my advice: just give into the moment :suave:

and man this thread... all you talk about is sex on this here forum!! :p Can't you talk about some nice crafts or something..... ;) hehehehe *evil laugh*

The dinosaurs died because you touch yourself. :)

Self Improvement is Masturbation.

A person once told me that procrastination is like masturbation- in the end, you're just fucking yourself.

Since I do both, and enjoy both, the negative intention of the comparison was lost on me. I should really come up with a hybrid word for that.

...procrasturbation.

hehehe... classic.

The fireman is very magical, if you rub his helmet and he spits in your eye.

So...

Is that when you want to masturbate...but you're too lazy, so you put it off until later? :D

Yeah, I do it all the time, not as much now that I'm in my mid 30's. The strange ones, let's see...

At work - Check
In the car, in traffic trying NOT to be seen - Check
In the car, in traffic TRYING to be seen - Check (reactions are priceless)
Outside on the balcony - Check

But the favorite has to ba a camping one like paulskinback. Kern river, middle of the night, still drunk from the campfire drinking session, I got up and out of the tent to go pee. Took care of that, and since I already had it out, yanking the crank was the obvious choice. We had the killer campsite that was right on the bend of the river, far from the othere sites, complete with a small private "beach." The moonlight was bright and beautiful, I stood on the beach, which is actually out away from any trees, and took care of business. It was religious.

...

I am very disturbed by this revelation.

Well..one time my friend convinced me to masturbate in the cemetery near another friends house...is that spontaneous?

I just wanted to let it be known that this thread, this VERY thread, induced me to experience a bout of spontaneous masturbation earlier this morning. :D

Good work abaya, you win in my books...every last one of them

I think there's going to be a lot more spontaneous masturbation if all the pretty ladies on the forum keep talking like this. :D

true story:

When I was in the Air Force (Bill O'Rights, please please please don't read this....) I was stationed at a base that had an alert aircraft facility on it. One of our jobs as security was to stand in the back of this building 24 hours a day and stare at it (in the off chance some crazy fanatic attempted to burrow his way through the blast exhaust).

Anyway, I was fortunate enough to be posted here one day when I found that the person who was posted there some time before me had left some reading material behind. (Hustler, for the sake of the story). Anyways, the sun went down and I found myself grabbing the magazine, heading up to the top of the facility where no one could see me, and proceeded to lay my seed on the roof of the Zulu Alert Facility, all thanks to a couple of skateboarding lesbians.

My M-16 never left my side.

A couple summer ago I was working for my father in law and I was drilling holes in cement with this drill that vibrated alot, and to operate it properly you had to operate it like a jack hammer and almost sit on it. So for long stretches of time I was placing my dick on a vibrating drill. Needless to say, I had to run to the port-a-poties a couple times to 'get the sin out'. That's as spontaneous a masturbation story that I've got.

Anyone else read this and immediately think, "this is my rifle... this is my gun... this is for shooting... this is for fun" :D

Now that you mentioned it...I can't get Stewie Griffin's face out of my mind.

I've had a spontaneous BJ performed on me once, in a secluded area of central park...and an empty staircase in NYC..

Other than that, I once stared at my penis in the mirror after peeing while an airplane bathroom, and decided "what the hell, he's been on here for 6 hours, he deserves it".

You people are crazy.

Thanks for giving it a word. I try to be better about doing homework or studying these days... but when there have been times in the past where I'd use masturbation as an excuse to put off doing homework. If you're trying to kill time, you can drag it out forever.

ho! are we gonna talk about blowjobs now? :suave:

I've always wanted to join the mile-high club, but I've never been on a plane with any of my girlfriends. So when I was flying home this past Christmas, I decided I would at least masturbate on a plane. But there was a lineup waiting to use the washroom when I finally got in, so I didn't get the opportunity.

Anyway, just thought I would add my own tangent.

-Tamerlain

Splat, splat, splat splat splat splat splat, dribble, ooze:love: :lol:

I wish I could get that many splats out... :|

Some days are diamonds. Just responding to the thread, y'know.
Many responses are spontaneous, right?

Just because I took the thread from second to third base is no reason to call me a ho, mixedmedia;)

Well you can call me "ho", with solo sex I don't say "no"
Though I'm young I'll keep on at it till I'm old.
I've enjoyed the odd occasion of spontaneous masturbation
And been the cause for others, I've been told.

Some of you may have been wondering just where the hell I've been in this thread.

To those of you wondering, well, I've been masturbating.

To those of you not wondering, well, I've been sewing.

And for those of you wondering what he was sewing, it's a sock for his masturbating.

Did you do it on the balcony, JJ?

(the sewing, of course :D)

LOL! That is the exclamatory ho, my friend. I would never call you a Ho unless I had good reason to. :p

Why? Is it less sinful if you're wearing a sock?

think of it as a tube sock :lol:

and for the Worlds King - perhaps a toe-sock :D

:thumbsup: way cool.

...we people are crazy:lol:

You want to know what I'm doing right now, while reading this thread? I'm folding diapers, that's what.

Needless to say, opportunity, motivation and energy are a bit subdued these days.

Just you wait though. The pressure is slowly building and some day when I least expect it... Ka-pow! :D

*whew* I feel much better now. Something about girls and girls and girls has some strange effect on me.

I have to be careful with spontaneity the worst thing is when you are on the subway and suddenly there you are... I think I need to invest in a rubber raincoat.

I think vibrating panties might be a useful investment. Are they quiet?

The more important question: Are you?
I couldn't wear them in public. :lol:

I can be if I try really hard... one of my exes used to revel in touching me under the table when we were out having dinner. Particularly fun when we were once out with friends, and I had an orgasm while the waiter was taking orders... he actually asked me if I was feeling okay. Ahh, good days.

Excellent.

My wife fondled me under the table and characterized it as a very exciting experience. Needless to say, I also enjoyed it.

You should try it on her sometime. The more public, the more fun it is to conceal it.

Oh yes, that will be so much better. I think they actually put you away for life if caught masturbating in public and wearing a (pervert) raincoat. :)

(I'm doing it again right now)

Oh, wait, there's my wife...

Ah, the things you find when you're looking for broken avatars...

Thanks for the trip back in time, Jazzy. :)

Thanks for the bump.

Hell, yeah. All the time. I was a driving masturbator as well. Recalling the early morning events with my man at the time got me very hot on my way to work. I didn't even care if anyone saw, maybe the prospect of someone noticing may have helped.

These days it's at the oddest times. At home, yes, but in the middle of a drab TV show or nonsexual movie scene. Sometimes, the odd post here at TFP might do it.

This is where self restraint comes in handy. :)

Damn, if that lady burst into flames from masturbating, she needs to lube up a little more. Thats some serious fire starting friction there...

I've done this a few times. Outside has always been the best of course.

of course I do it all the time ... lucky not caught until now :) dont mind even getting caught by grownup girls outside work!

This thread just caused me to masturbate, that's how spontaneous I am.

Ah! I thought I was the only freak. =P I had an ex that would freak out because I ALWAYS masturbated in my sleep. He thought he wasn't pleasing me enough. I TOLD him I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't know I even did it until he told me. I apparently do it quite often.

Good to know that I'm not alone!

I have never done this, but I wish I would: it would save me a lot of time!

Also....

Thanks for an awesome mental picture.... :D

I often retire to a private location at a moments notice whhen the urge strikes.
1) Car - CHECK
2) Office - CHECK
3) Shower - CHECk
4) Living Room - CHECK
5) Next to the sleeping wife - CHECK

I shall not continue for the sake of decorum...

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and use more lube.

I would work weekends at the front desk, nobody every came in. I did quite often. Oh hey, I'm 15 minutes early! Oh hey, it's quitting time! Oh hey, it's Sunday! At this point it's Pavlovian.

I use to all the time but now that I work in the public sector, I really can't run to the bathroom and rub one off.

Once driving through rural Mississippi I got such an urge to rub one out I had to pull over and take care of business behnd a tree alongside the road. I have no idea why, but it was pretty intense.

If you are yanking with your cat on your lap, i think we're getting into a whole different topic.... :orly: :orly: :surprised: :eek:

I once passed out drunk and woke up masturbating, is that spontaneous enough?

bump .........

LOL.

Happens to me all the time.