Need advice for a friend - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Infinite_Loser · 05-10-2006, 01:15 AM

I don't know where to put this, so I hope it's the right forum.

A while ago a friend of mine was set-up by a few guys (I don't know the details of the situation) and she ended up having a one-night stand with one of them. Aside from the horrible feelings she had afterwards, she didn't think too much of it. Well, a few days afterwards she was telling me what happened and I happened to make the statement (Rather innocently, mind you) "That sounds like a cheap porno!" Well, that was a mistake.

Since then she has been very depressed, very paranoid and overly suicidal. The worst part is that I don't know what to say to her to try to help her because she's absolutely positive she was video-taped. Worst yet, it that she thinks she was video-taped and put on the internet somewhere. She spends (At least) twelve hours a day drinking and on the internet looking for the suspected video, all the while neglecting her two children.

Anyway, I am worried about her and really don't know what I can do to help her. She won't even talk to her mom or any of her female friends (I'm male). She is utterly convinced that the video exists somewhere on the internet and she's just wasting her time trying to find it. I'm pretty mad at myself for even mentioning something about a video in the first place, but that's neither here nor there. I'm scared that she's either going to end up killing herself or losing her kids

If this is the wrong forum, then feel free to move it.

Redlemon · 05-10-2006, 05:56 AM

I think the only thing she can do is confront the guy she slept with. Perhaps he could let her search the room or something.

hagatha · 05-10-2006, 07:53 AM

I don't know about confronting the guy alone, particularly if she doesn't know him. If she confronts him, maybe you should go with her for safety reasons. I think this will probably drive her nuts until she knows the truth. But if she is convinced it was videotaped, there must be some foundation for her belief.

xepherys · 05-10-2006, 08:17 AM

I think that you need to help her convince herself to get some help. I mean, since there's no certainty that there was a tape, and it was a passing comment that now has her obsessed, it sounds like she really could use some help. In the end, if there WAS a tape, the worst it can cause her is some embarassment. The deeper she goes into this, the worse it'll be for her if such a thing does exist. I mean, I understand that she'd feel "violated" and "cheated" and other such things, but if it happened, she can't change that now. *sigh*

Sorry bro, this is a sticky stick situation.

getwonk'd · 05-10-2006, 08:20 AM

It sounds like she really needs professional help. If she is truly suicidal, you need to step in. Call a health care and ask for advice. You don't have to tell them your name, just explain the situation. She needs your help NOW. How old are her kids? If things are as bad as you said, they also need your help. Ask her straight out if she is planning to kill herself. When people get to that point, they will tell you the truth. Don't worry about putting the idea in her head because, I'm sure its already there. More than likely, the videotape is not the whole issue. Feeling used , left and unsure of how it affects her is.

instant-karma · 05-10-2006, 12:17 PM

She's your friend? "set up by a few guys"? and you don't know the details?
Get her to talk about it, if you don't know the details you don't know if she was date raped or not, whether she perceives it was her fault or theirs, was she "set up" or not. Could be these guys were just helping their mate pull a girl. Until you know the details you don't know how to handle it. If she's suicidal then getting outside help involved might be the exact wrong thing to do. She's probably feeling embarassed and/or humiliated and having other people involved may make those feelings worse. After all, if she's frantically searching the net for this video she obviously doesn't want people to know. I wouldn't blame yourself too much over your statement either, she may feel partly to blame for getting in that situation in the first place and your statement might have reinforced that belief. Tell her how worried you are. Tell her a one night stand's no big deal. Don't be judgemental and spend lots of time with this person.

ratbastid · 05-10-2006, 12:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by instant-karma

If she's suicidal then getting outside help involved might be the exact wrong thing to do. She's probably feeling embarassed and/or humiliated and having other people involved may make those feelings worse.

I couldn't disagree more. There are professionals who are highly trained and experienced at treating issues like this with sensitivity and compassion. If you suspect she's seriously threatening suicide, get her in touch with someone whose job is to help.

Infinite_Loser · 05-10-2006, 04:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by getwonk'd

It sounds like she really needs professional help. If she is truly suicidal, you need to step in. Call a health care and ask for advice. You don't have to tell them your name, just explain the situation. She needs your help NOW. How old are her kids? If things are as bad as you said, they also need your help. Ask her straight out if she is planning to kill herself. When people get to that point, they will tell you the truth. Don't worry about putting the idea in her head because, I'm sure its already there. More than likely, the videotape is not the whole issue. Feeling used , left and unsure of how it affects her is.

To answer your first question, her children are four and eight years old.

To answer your second question, she has stated numerous times that she's thinking about slitting her wrists. I know that once (Ten or so years ago), she tried to slit her wrists and ended up in home for teens for around two years, so I know that when she talks about suicide, she's serious (At least I believe she is).

Quote:

Originally Posted by instant-karma

She's your friend? "set up by a few guys"? and you don't know the details? Get her to talk about it, if you don't know the details you don't know if she was date raped or not, whether she perceives it was her fault or theirs, was she "set up" or not. Could be these guys were just helping their mate pull a girl.

While I don't know all the details, I do know that she tried to talk to the person she slept with, but he blew her off. Aside from that, she won't tell me anything else because she says she doesn't need to discuss what she already knows (Meaning that she's already made up in her mind that she was set-up, and no one can change it).

Cynthetiq · 05-10-2006, 06:17 PM

It's not your duty to fix her.

You can suggest that she seek professional help. You can suggest that if she wishes to keep her children that she not speak of harming herself again unless someone else decides to call Child Services to protect the children.

getwonk'd · 05-10-2006, 06:43 PM

Her children are very young. The four year old probably doesn't know the severity of what is going on but be sure that the eight year old does and shes probably scared. Try talking to the older one to see what has all been said. If she has said in a round about way that she wants to kill herself, ask her straight out "Do you plan on killing yourself?" Her answer will be clear to you and you will know what to do. Follow your heart, not your mind. She may hate you for awhile but in the end she will be thankful for the intervention. Take care and I hope everything turns out good.

05-10-2006, 01:15 AM	#1 (permalink)
Infinite_Loser Junkie Location: Lake Mary, FL	Need advice for a friend I don't know where to put this, so I hope it's the right forum. A while ago a friend of mine was set-up by a few guys (I don't know the details of the situation) and she ended up having a one-night stand with one of them. Aside from the horrible feelings she had afterwards, she didn't think too much of it. Well, a few days afterwards she was telling me what happened and I happened to make the statement (Rather innocently, mind you) "That sounds like a cheap porno!" Well, that was a mistake. Since then she has been very depressed, very paranoid and overly suicidal. The worst part is that I don't know what to say to her to try to help her because she's absolutely positive she was video-taped. Worst yet, it that she thinks she was video-taped and put on the internet somewhere. She spends (At least) twelve hours a day drinking and on the internet looking for the suspected video, all the while neglecting her two children. Anyway, I am worried about her and really don't know what I can do to help her. She won't even talk to her mom or any of her female friends (I'm male). She is utterly convinced that the video exists somewhere on the internet and she's just wasting her time trying to find it. I'm pretty mad at myself for even mentioning something about a video in the first place, but that's neither here nor there. I'm scared that she's either going to end up killing herself or losing her kids If this is the wrong forum, then feel free to move it.

05-10-2006, 05:56 AM	#2 (permalink)
Redlemon Devoted Donor Location: New England	I think the only thing she can do is confront the guy she slept with. Perhaps he could let her search the room or something. __________________ I can't read your signature. Sorry.

05-10-2006, 07:53 AM	#3 (permalink)
hagatha Addict	I don't know about confronting the guy alone, particularly if she doesn't know him. If she confronts him, maybe you should go with her for safety reasons. I think this will probably drive her nuts until she knows the truth. But if she is convinced it was videotaped, there must be some foundation for her belief. __________________ Thats the last time I trust the strangest people I ever met....H. Simpson

05-10-2006, 06:17 PM	#9 (permalink)
Cynthetiq Tilted Cat Head Administrator Location: Manhattan, NY	It's not your duty to fix her. You can suggest that she seek professional help. You can suggest that if she wishes to keep her children that she not speak of harming herself again unless someone else decides to call Child Services to protect the children. __________________ I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not. What's the best nation in the world? DO-NATION!

05-10-2006, 08:17 AM	#4 (permalink)
xepherys <3 TFP Location: 17TLH2445607250	I think that you need to help her convince herself to get some help. I mean, since there's no certainty that there was a tape, and it was a passing comment that now has her obsessed, it sounds like she really could use some help. In the end, if there WAS a tape, the worst it can cause her is some embarassment. The deeper she goes into this, the worse it'll be for her if such a thing does exist. I mean, I understand that she'd feel "violated" and "cheated" and other such things, but if it happened, she can't change that now. sigh Sorry bro, this is a sticky stick situation.

05-10-2006, 08:20 AM	#5 (permalink)
getwonk'd Tilted Location: Central Wisconsin	It sounds like she really needs professional help. If she is truly suicidal, you need to step in. Call a health care and ask for advice. You don't have to tell them your name, just explain the situation. She needs your help NOW. How old are her kids? If things are as bad as you said, they also need your help. Ask her straight out if she is planning to kill herself. When people get to that point, they will tell you the truth. Don't worry about putting the idea in her head because, I'm sure its already there. More than likely, the videotape is not the whole issue. Feeling used , left and unsure of how it affects her is.

05-10-2006, 12:17 PM	#6 (permalink)
instant-karma Upright	She's your friend? "set up by a few guys"? and you don't know the details? Get her to talk about it, if you don't know the details you don't know if she was date raped or not, whether she perceives it was her fault or theirs, was she "set up" or not. Could be these guys were just helping their mate pull a girl. Until you know the details you don't know how to handle it. If she's suicidal then getting outside help involved might be the exact wrong thing to do. She's probably feeling embarassed and/or humiliated and having other people involved may make those feelings worse. After all, if she's frantically searching the net for this video she obviously doesn't want people to know. I wouldn't blame yourself too much over your statement either, she may feel partly to blame for getting in that situation in the first place and your statement might have reinforced that belief. Tell her how worried you are. Tell her a one night stand's no big deal. Don't be judgemental and spend lots of time with this person.

05-10-2006, 06:43 PM	#10 (permalink)
getwonk'd Tilted Location: Central Wisconsin	Her children are very young. The four year old probably doesn't know the severity of what is going on but be sure that the eight year old does and shes probably scared. Try talking to the older one to see what has all been said. If she has said in a round about way that she wants to kill herself, ask her straight out "Do you plan on killing yourself?" Her answer will be clear to you and you will know what to do. Follow your heart, not your mind. She may hate you for awhile but in the end she will be thankful for the intervention. Take care and I hope everything turns out good.