Do You Like To be Needed?

[Sweetpea]

This seems like a simple question but i think it says allot about different personalities.


Do YOU like to be needed??

Thoughts, feelings, opinions?

This can be emotionally or otherwise, but do you enjoy the feeling when other people need you?

myself, yes, i like to be needed. for multiple reasons and simply because on a primary level it is validating.



Sweetpea

[abaya]

Yes, I like to be needed... the validating part is significant, but on days when I am feeling really down, it helps me to pull my head out of my ass and take a good look around. It helps me to see when others are vulnerable, and also encourages me to be more vulnerable and ask for aid when I really need it. When people get too independent then they stop needing anything from other people, and that can be a real drag if the relationship is valuable to you and is based on reciprocity.

Of course, I don't like to be OVERLY needed... that drags me down to where I start to resent the other person for what they can't provide for themselves. Ironic, since I tend to get quite needy myself... but we all go back and forth, what can I say.

Best thing I've tried to do is try to figure out what my needs are, which ones of them are actually reasonable, and then articulate them clearly when the time is right. I can only hope that others do the same with me... though usually, life gets so messy that it's all we can do to just say "help!" and hope that someone's willing to take care of us for a little while.

[JustJess]

Yep, I definitely need to be needed. I've never really been sure why, but I imagine validation needs are part of it. I find this especially true at work - I enjoy being the go-to person. But you're right, Abaya - there are limits. I don't want to need anyone else to the point of co-dependence, and neither do I wish to be needed that way. Any phrase such as "I can't live without you" scares me. "How did I get along without you?" is okay. Just enough to know I'm an important part of their life, and that I'm USEFUL - that's a big part for me, I really enjoy being useful.

[RCR]

I think everyone would like to be needed. Its comforting to know that another being relies on you and your existence,

Its a good thing imho,

rcr

[maleficent]

I'd much rather be wanted than needed. Wanted means that the person actually wants me to be there, needed implies, at least in my cynical world, that any one would do, I'm the first person that they encountered.

I've gotten phone calls at all hours of the night... I need to talk to you ... (OK, no one else picked up the phone) I want to talk to you... (I was your only choice)

[Meditrina]

I like to be needed. and after reading Maleficent's post, I like to be wanted too. It depends on who is needing/wanting me. My children need me to take care of them and teach them how to take care of themselves. I would hope that my husband wants me, to be there to do things with and talk to, and does not need me like my children do.

[StanT]

I don't like dealing with needy people, therefore I don't like being needed.


I like to think that I'm a reasonably nice guy, I help people out when I can and try to do special things for the people in my life. I actually enjoy doing things for people. Some people have a hard time seperating a gift of time or money from an obligation to continue doing the same. I have no interest in picking up any more responsiblity.


I like being desired and appreciated, I do not like being needed.

[ratbastid]

I don't like the pressure implicit in "need".

I've recently realized, though, that the need to be wanted pretty much rules my life.

[BigBen]

Is this not one of Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs?

To ask if I like to be needed is like saying "Do you like shelter? How about food and water?"

Well, being needed is at the top of the list, and as long as all of my other needs are met, then yes, I very much enjoy being needed. The social connection that exists is a powerful one.

I am feeling the last few days that I am not really needed at work. It is not a good feeling. I am therefore busting my ass to show everybody how critical I am to team success.

If you asked me if being needed was more important than water, then I would have to say no.

[Supple Cow]

I like to be needed as much as I will like to have food and shelter when I finally get out of college. I sure wouldn't be able to have either of them without being needed by somebody. Otherwise, I don't find it much use to me to like it... that will only make me need more and more of it to feel complete, and nobody owes me that.

[JustJess]

That's a good point - I can/will live without it, it's just a preference to have someone need me around - but again, NOT to a unhealthy/codependent degree.

[lurkette]

I'd rather be wanted than needed, too, but being needed is like crack to me. I'm one of those helpful people who's always there when you have a problem. I do that for my job, I do that in my personal life, I do it with my family. I looooooove being needed.

[stonegrody]

I like to be needed. I like my friends and family to know that they can count on me. If there is anything I can do to help someone I care about, I'll do everything I can to do it. Eh, sometimes even for strangers but I'd rather not adverstise that.

Being wanted is a better feeling for obvious reasons. It's all good as long as neither get out of hand.

[jbw97361]

If you think you arent cared about, stop paying your bills for a while...

Anywho, I'd consider being wanted/needed to be one of the basic needs of a rational human. We are social animals, and fitting into the group is a part of us on the genetic level. Just look at our close primate relatives; they tend to stay in groups for protection and a better quality of life. The same instinct still exists in us.

[rockogre]

Hmmmm. Well, I don't need to be needed but it is a nice feeling. Especially if I am being truly useful to someone. Kind of gives me a feeling of worth.

[Disk_Pusher]

Originally Posted by StanT

I don't like dealing with needy people, therefore I don't like being needed.

I agree with this. I've found that when I go out of my way to help someone they begin to expect this kind of behavior from me and because I can never find a good reason for saying "no" to their requests,and so I end up becoming their doormat. What bothers me most is that when you help someone who "needs" something, many times they feel no desire to help you in return.

I'd much rather live in the woods by myself, content in self-sufficiency.

[abaya]

^ Disk Pusher, I agree, I have some friends who are like this. They take way more than they give, and it makes me not want to be very close to them. Every time they call I just think they want something from me instead of just wanting to talk with me.

However, I don't think EVERYONE in the world is like this, even if I am cynical at times. I think many people realize that reciprocity is key, and that you ought to give back what you have been given, in time and energy if not in monetary or other tangible ways. It's these relationships that are worth my time, and which make me feel glad to be needed.

(Are there any woods left in Fresno?)

[Sweetpea]

wow, there are some great replies and clarifications, thank you everyone so far.

Being wanted and being needed are two different things and everyone seems to have their own definitions, but these two things can Elicit similar feelings.

Being wanted seems to be regarded generally as positive

being needed seems to be on the negative stance and something that can go to far or be contingent on how much the other individual gives/needs you in return.

sweetpea

[Zeraph]

I'll agree with everyone, basically. I like being wanted, though not by too many people, and needed on occasion though sometimes it can make me uncomfortable. It really depends on the relation, if it's kids, being needed to protect them, etc, is fine, if its between 2 adults, may not be healthy for one or both parties.

[RickB]

Do I like to be needed?
I would have to say yes, depending on how one defines "need". If I define it as supplying basic sustenance, then my children need me and I like the feeling that I am nurturing life.

On an adult level, I would have to say no. Being wanted for my opinion or skills is better than being needed. Somehow, when I think of someone saying “I need your help” on something implies to me that they are not willing to put in some work figuring it out for themselves. Now if they say, “I want your help” with the implication that we would be working on whatever it is together and they might better themselves so they can do it alone the next time, that is a better feeling for me.

Thinking for a second about the types of people that might like to be needed, I would say doctors and other critical care personnel might fall into this category. When a person is really injured and “needs” a doctor, the doctor would know that and he/she might just feed off that emotion.

[SiN]

generally, no I don't like to be needed.

it depends tho. needed on a more intellectual basis is easier for me than needed on an emotional basis.

I am a really independent sort, and I have a hard time dealing with those who are notiseably dependant.

and i am really not a caretaker type.

so in those cases, being needed can tend to drive me insane.

feeling useful, and perhaps even a necessary part of something, on the other hand, does usually make me feel more worth/value.

eh, i guess it just depends on the situation.

[abaya]

Originally Posted by RickB

Being wanted for my opinion or skills is better than being needed. Somehow, when I think of someone saying “I need your help” on something implies to me that they are not willing to put in some work figuring it out for themselves. Now if they say, “I want your help” with the implication that we would be working on whatever it is together and they might better themselves so they can do it alone the next time, that is a better feeling for me.

This is a really good way of putting it. I think my confusion was over the way I learned to differentiate between the two; I always associated saying "I want" as being selfish, whereas saying "I need" is being clear and honest with what one really needs to be happy. But maybe it's just semantics. I like your definitions, anyway, and I will work to make them part of my thought patterns.

[snowy]

I do like to be needed and wanted. Sometimes I think a certain friend of mine doesn't need me or want me but then he does things that give himself away...and it's so sweet when he does.

[cellophanedeity]

I like being both wanted and needed.

I prefer wanted for all of the reasons that everyone here has said. One of my closer friends always comes to me and tells me that he wants to talk if he has a problem, and I love that he comes to me. The same goes for my Love. Whenever he's upset or sick or something like that I enjoy it when he comes to me. When people have other choices, and they still come to me for help first, it gives you a warm fuzzy feeling. And who doens't like warm fuzzies?

I also like being needed though. That's why I volunteer at the sexual education centre at school. When people just want to talk to anyone who knows something, or just wants a neutral anonymous conversation to help them sort out things. It feels good to help.

[pinkie]

Both.

Wanted by my husband, needed by my child.

[Biscuit Buns]

I definitely love to feel wanted. Almost to the point of being needed, but I don't like feeling like I've been glommed onto by a suckerfish. I'm not opposed to someone affectionately telling me that they need me, though.

[Seeker]

If someone says they need me... I back off. I really don't think any one person 'needs' any other 'one' person. Yes we are social beings but I don't think anybody really ever 'needs' another in particular. That to me seems obsessive and unhealthy.

Wanting someones opinion, help, perspective or plain interaction is flattering and as cellophanediety said, warm and fuzzy. I think this is more key to the human condition more so than need.

[Sweetpea]

So...

All of us like to be wanted.

And most of us like to be needed, as long as we can set specific boundaries.

this has been really interesting so far. thank you everyone again for your contributions.

Sweetpea

[Carno]

The first time I'm needed, I'll let you know how I like it

[maleficent]

Originally Posted by Carn

The first time I'm needed, I'll let you know how I like it

Hey Carn, I really need someone to clean my kitchen... interested?

[Carno]

Welll... for you, anything

But you don't really need me. Anyone could do it

[Suave]

I personally do not like to be needed, emotionally or physically anyway. I would prefer that everyone had the ability to be completely independent in those ways (in the simplest forms anyway), but that they just like having me around.

Being needed in my job/profession on the other hand, would be nice just for job security.

[martinguerre]

i love being needed, i suppose.

i think of it as being the person who can make things right...and sometimes it's because i'm the only one around, sometimes becuase i'm the one that they can trust, whatever.

i've grown to love needing people, too. in a way it's harder...but equally rewarding.

[Cynthetiq]

i like the feeling, but I liken the feeling of being needed and wanted as that of the same as a drug. It becomes something that we crave from others.

I prefer to try to just be.

[Cuatela]

I don't feel it much, but when I do, it feels good. I think the biggest problem is that I usually drive people away with my annoying actions and statements.

[MsNobody]

I love when I am needed for anything. I am not happy unless I have 22 things going at once, this one needs me for that, that one needs me for this, (if we could only get the two together), I'm talking on the phone, folding laundry, I have 7 unanswered PM's and 16 unanswered e-mails, food is boiling over on the stove, the doorbell is ringing and and the dog is a barking. **Heaven, I'm in heaven.**

[amonkie]

I love being sincerely loved by others... and in a way I would hope that their love makes them want me... to the point of needing me.

[Sweetpea]

Originally Posted by amonkie

I love being sincerely loved by others... and in a way I would hope that their love makes them want me... to the point of needing me.

Very Eloquently Put amonkie!

Sweetpea

[Gilda]

Near the end of "Say Anything", Lloyd is in the gym, when the girlfriend who earlier dumped him on her father's recommendation comes to him for comfort when she finds out her father is a crook.

She tells him she needs him and tries to hug him for comfort. He backs off for a second, and asks her, "Are you here because you need someone or because you need me?" He pauses, and before she can answer says, "Never mind. I don't care." and takes her in his arms.

As she takes comfort there, she replies, overlapping slightly, "I need you."

It's a wonderful bit of dialog from an underrated movie. She doesn't really answer his question. He'd rather be needed and wanted by her, but is willing to settle for being needed, and is happy to be the one she chose in her time of need. In a romantic relationship, need is a lesser form of connection than want.

From my own life, I can say that Grace doesn't need me in her life. I make her happy, we've built a life together, we intend to be together for the rest of our lives; but she doesn't need me. It's comforting that her being with me is something she chooses of her own free will, not something she does out of obligation.

On the other hand, Sissy needs me. She needs someone to provide for her the resources that my family didn't, the support that she cannot get anywhere else. I give it to her because she needs it, and because Grace and I are the only ones who are around willing to provide it, and because I love her. Someday, she won't need us anymore, she'll finish college and get a job, or find a man and get what she needs from him, or she'll just grow and mature to the point where she can be independant. Until then, I'll be there to guide and protect her, as will Grace.

Which is the stronger relationship? Neither, really. They're just different. Being needed, by Sissy, by a pregnant 13-year-old afraid to talk to her parents, by students with no other stable adults in their lives, this validates me in a way that being wanted doesn't. It makes me feel as if I'm not disposable. Being wanted fulfills me in a way that being needed doesn't.

One more example. I don't need sweetpea in my life, but having her there for me makes me very, very happy; I do want her there.

Yes, I like to be needed. But being needed is draining in a way being wanted isn't. Being wanted fills you up; being needed drains you. Both can be worthy experiences, and I don't want to be without both in my life.

On the other hand, I need Grace in a way she doesn't need me, and I'm forever grateful that she doesn't seem to see this as a burden. She's a giver, in a profession that is about serving people in need. That I need her, and love her, and want her all seem to be sustaining things. She thrives on helping people in need. We're all wired differently.

[SecretMethod70]

Most people I've met who get enjoyment out of "being needed" are really just codependent. No, I don't get anything frmo someone "needing" me. I enjoy it when people appreciate spending time with me.