Shakespeare's Pulp Fiction

[inBOIL]

The funniest thing I've read this week.

ACT I SCENE 2. A road, morning. Enter JULES and VINCENT, murderers.

V: And know'st thou what the French name cottage pie?
J: Say they not cottage pie, in their own tongue?
V: But nay, their tongues, for speech and taste alike
Are strange to ours, with their own history:
Gaul knoweth not a cottage from a house.
J: What say they then, pray?
V: Hachis Parmentier.
J: Hachis Parmentier! What name they cream?
V: Cream is but cream, only they say la crème.
J: What do they name black pudding?
V: I know not;
I visited no inn it could be bought.



J: Your pardon; did I break thy concentration?
Continue! Ah, but now thy tongue is still.
Allow me then to offer a response.
Describe Marsellus Wallace to me, pray.
B: What?
J: What country dost thou hail from?
B: What?
J: Thou sayest thou dost hail from distant What?
I know but naught of thy fair country What.
What language speak they in the land of What?
B: What?
J: English, base knave, dost thou speak it?
B: Aye!
J: Then hearken to my words and answer them!
Describe to me Marsellus Wallace!
B: What?
JULES presses his knife to BRETT's throat
J: Speak 'What' again! Thou cur, cry 'What' again!
I dare thee utter 'What' again but once!
I dare thee twice and spit upon thy name!
Now, paint for me a portraiture in words,
If thou hast any in thy head but 'What',
Of Marsellus Wallace!
B: He is dark.
J: Aye, and what more?
B: His head is shaven bald.
J: Hath he the semblance of a harlot?
B: What?
JULES strikes and BRETT cries out
J: Hath he the semblance of a harlot?
B: Nay!
J: Then why didst thou attempt to bed him thus?
B: I did not!
J: Aye, thou didst! O, aye, thou didst!
Thou sought to rape him like a chattel whore!
And sooth, Lord Wallace is displeased to bed
With aught but Lady Wallace, whom he wed.

http://ceruleanst.livejournal.com/151753.html

[forgotten_dream]

The "bed him like a harlot" part doesn't quite have the same context without the slang defenitions, but "English, base knave, dost thou speak it?" is definitely entertaining. All in all, a hilarious find!

[MexicanOnABike]

i forgot to post last night...

this is awesome! i wonder what Marcelus would say instead of "i'm gonna go medieval on your ass!" ... "I shall go stone age on your Arse!"

[Ger.Man]

brilliant

[Tophat665]

If you feel up to kickin in on it, here's a link to the wiki to translate Pulp Fiction into Shakepspearean. http://pulpbard.wikispaces.com/

/ Lots of Fark on this board. Nuthin wrong with that. Just sayin.