Republican Children Say the Darndest Things About Barack Obama! - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

ottopilot · 09-04-2008, 02:05 PM

mods: not meant to be a plug... drop link if inappropriate

Found this on the Landover Baptist Church website (a parody of Christian fundamentalists). There's lots of other "interesting stuff" on this site. You'll find it somewhere between highly offensive or very funny. You decide.

Republican Children Say the Darndest Things About Barack Obama!

Quote:

Republican Children Say the Darndest Things About Barack Obama!
Freehold, Iowa
National Center for Concerned Christian Children

Landover Baptist receives countless letters from curious children every month. For the last few months, nearly 80% of their letters contain questions about so-called, U.S. Presidential candidate, Barack Hussein Obama. "It looks like Christian parents are still raising American children with traditional values," says Pastor Deacon Fred. "It's insightful to read how the little ears of Jesus interpret what they hear through Satanic secular media. It gives me great hope in our future! I thought it would be an absolute joy to print some of their questions here on our web site. I'll bet most of our readers have children asking the same questions! If your kids are asking questions like the ones you read below, it is a sure sign that you are raising your child in accordance with True Christian™ Biblical standards! Praise Jesus!"

"Does every Christian family move to Canada if Obama is elected, or is it just everyone on my Daddy's side?" - Henrietta Rutherford, Age 11, Lynchburg Christian Academy

"Is Obama really gonna make momma get an abortion? I wanted a little brother and she promised to make one for me!" - Mark Ingram, Age 5, Home Schooled

"How is my daddy going to get his money for retirement if Obama is going to take it all and give it to the Negroes?" - Jenny Yolinda, Age 10, Landover Baptist Christian Academy for the Saved

"Is the Obama going to send the rappers to get my mommy? - Brian Wind, Age 10, Liberty University Advanced Children's Christian Center for Learning

"Does Obama have an extra bone in his ankle that makes him jump higher when he plays basketball?" - Nancy Hodge, Age 11, Lynchburg Christian Academy

"I'm saving myslef for maragie, Is Obama going to make me have sex with my girlfriend and smoke marniguana and cigarittes before I'm old enough? - Jonathan Westfalls, Age 45, Liberty University School of Life Long Learning

"I'm so scared of Obama! Is that dirty dark monster still outside of my bathroom window, watching me tinkle? Is he going to bite my head off and feed it to the Puff Daddy like Momma says?" - Jack Harper, Age 7, Landover Baptist Christian Academy for the Saved

"What's a half-breeded nappity headed negroid comanist snoffabeach?" Gillian Thomas, Age 5, Home Schooled

"How comes a colored person is allowed to be a President?" - Sally Fisher, Age 17 Landover Baptist High School For the Saved

"What's a Vagina? My Creation Science Teacher, Edna Mae, says Obama will make her teach students about them and spray hers on everyone in class or else she might lose her credidations." - Willy Higgins, Age 7, Landover Baptist Junior Academy for the

"If Obama gets elected, is he going to kill all the white people or make them slaveries?" - Henry Clark, Age 14, Lynchburg Christian Academy

"Will Obama make my Daddy pay Monique more money to clean my bedroom? And can I still boss her around my bathroom alot? She's so funny looking! I like it when she always says to me, "yes 'ma'am!" - Alison Hahan, Age 17, Landover Baptist Creation Research Academy

"If Obama gets elected, is there gonna be more Negroes everywhere? Even on my lacrosse team! And in my tree-fort!?" - Hank Funkhouser, Age 11, Freehold Iowa Christian Academy

"Momma says June Gordon is voting for Obama because he has a giant penis and she likes getting rapped by Negroes. Why is a hore like that beach still allowed in our church?" - Billy Spofford, Age 11, Landover Baptist Junior Academy for the Saved

"Does Obama think my daddy makes too much money? Is Obama gonna give daddy's money to Mr. Cecil so he can buy cracked cains? Mom says Obama wants to make her stamp her food, why??? - Nancy Hodge, Age 11, Lynchburg Christian Academy

"Dad's being saying this word lots when he reads about the Obama, so how is a Neeg rahr look? It sounds scary! Is it like a lion?" - Amy Coltin, Age 4, Landover Baptist Pre-School for the Saved.

"My daddy made my sister move away cause said she is voting for Obama. Is she going to be okay? He hit her in the head with the Bible. I am not allowed to help her because Daddy said she is no better than a Mexican and there ain't no Mexicans in this Christian family." - Cheryl Longwood, Age 14, Lynchburg Christian Academy at Thomas Road Baptist Church

"If Obama gets elected, will the coloreds move to our neighborhood?" - Timothy Jenkins, Age 9, Landover Baptist Elementary School for the Saved

"Is Rushian Limbargh gonna get Christians to stop Obama before he gets to the Whites Ony House and takes controls of the social securities?" - NTodd Brewer, Age 7, Lynchburg Christian Pre-School Academy

"Why does daddy cuss so much when Obama is on TV?" - Benjamin Talkins, Age 8, Lynchburg Christian Academy

"Are all the people who don't vote for John McCain really going to burn in hell and be hiney-sized by demons? Grandma says it is absolutely true! She says that Pastor Lon Solomon, who is a messianical Jewish is just afraid to say it out loud because he'd lose his gold tithers. Grandma is the best Christian I ever knew! - Scott Prendergast Jr., Age 11, McLean Bible School, McLean Virginia

LoganSnake · 09-04-2008, 03:15 PM

Christian kids make me sick to my stomach. Their parents moreso.

The_Jazz · 09-04-2008, 04:26 PM

Mod note: this is not in any way a site plug and is exactly the same as quoting a story from The Onion. Including the accuracy of the quotes.

Mod hat off: Otto - this is seriously funny. Great find and thanks for sharing.

Anxst · 09-04-2008, 04:39 PM

Good old Landover Baptist. I love that website.

ottopilot · 09-05-2008, 03:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The_Jazz

Mod note: this is not in any way a site plug and is exactly the same as quoting a story from The Onion. Including the accuracy of the quotes.

Mod hat off: Otto - this is seriously funny. Great find and thanks for sharing.

Thanks... you're welcome.

I was amazed to still find them up and running. Cracks me up.

sapiens · 09-05-2008, 04:08 PM

That was humorous, thanks.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LoganSnake

Christian kids make me sick to my stomach. Their parents moreso.

I know that my mother was a bit disturbed when I came home from Catholic grade school one day and told her about the sanctity of the "Virgin Mary's womb", but your comment seems a bit harsh. Am I missing something?

LoganSnake · 09-05-2008, 04:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sapiens

That was humorous, thanks.
I know that my mother was a bit disturbed when I came home from Catholic grade school one day and told her about the sanctity of the "Virgin Mary's womb", but your comment seems a bit harsh. Am I missing something?

No, you pretty much got it. I'm not a fan of brainwashing children.

Poppinjay · 09-06-2008, 04:58 AM

Don't worry, those aren't real children or real quotes.

LoganSnake · 09-06-2008, 10:06 AM

I honestly wouldn't be surprised if they were.

sadistikdreams · 09-06-2008, 06:05 PM

Man, I could really go for some cracked cain.

dragon2fire · 09-08-2008, 07:30 PM

dude awesome ....no really this is great ... best laugh in years

Seaver · 09-14-2008, 05:28 PM

They tried really hard to make that look legitimate. Unfortunately they should lose the "Religion kills folks dead" ad on the side. It kind of detracts from all their hard work on the rest of the site.

Necrosis · 09-14-2008, 07:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LoganSnake

Christian kids make me sick to my stomach. Their parents moreso.

Because that's the way all Christians think. The funny part is, you're just like the fictional parents, and you don't know it!

09-04-2008, 03:15 PM	#2 (permalink)
LoganSnake We work alone Location: Cake Town	Christian kids make me sick to my stomach. Their parents moreso. __________________ Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

09-04-2008, 04:26 PM	#3 (permalink)
The_Jazz Asshole Administrator Location: Chicago	Mod note: this is not in any way a site plug and is exactly the same as quoting a story from The Onion. Including the accuracy of the quotes. Mod hat off: Otto - this is seriously funny. Great find and thanks for sharing. __________________ "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin "There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush "We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

09-04-2008, 04:39 PM	#4 (permalink)
Anxst Condensing fact from the vapor of nuance. Location: Madison, WI	Good old Landover Baptist. I love that website. __________________ Don't mind me. I'm just releasing the insanity pressure from my headvalves.

09-06-2008, 04:58 AM	#8 (permalink)
Poppinjay You had me at hello Location: DC/Coastal VA	Don't worry, those aren't real children or real quotes. __________________ I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

09-06-2008, 10:06 AM	#9 (permalink)
LoganSnake We work alone Location: Cake Town	I honestly wouldn't be surprised if they were. __________________ Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

09-06-2008, 06:05 PM	#10 (permalink)
sadistikdreams lonely rolling star Location: Seattle.	Man, I could really go for some cracked cain. __________________ "Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials." -Lin Yutang hearts, by d.a.

09-08-2008, 07:30 PM	#11 (permalink)
dragon2fire Junkie	dude awesome ....no really this is great ... best laugh in years

09-14-2008, 05:28 PM	#12 (permalink)
Seaver Junkie Location: Fort Worth, TX	They tried really hard to make that look legitimate. Unfortunately they should lose the "Religion kills folks dead" ad on the side. It kind of detracts from all their hard work on the rest of the site. __________________ "Smite the rocks with the rod of knowledge, and fountains of unstinted wealth will gush forth." - Ashbel Smith as he laid the first cornerstone of the University of Texas