Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - Help the lurkbastids decide whether to procreate...or not!

Mondak · 06-26-2006, 01:10 PM

So our boy Wyatt is almost 11 months right now. He has been a wonderful enhancement to our lives to be sure. That being said, not everyone should have kids. In fact, if it were just me or me with another person, I don't think it would be right for me.

There is a lot of pressure in society to be the same. If someone is healthy enough to even ask themselves the question and SERIOUSLY take inventory of whether they should have kids, they are in the minority. Sure people pay the decision to produce a life lip service. If they do an investigation though - they simply process the data that leads them to the end they already choose and ignore the things that point to the contrary.

Most times, if someone who has kids catches wind of your investigation, they tend to take it as an indictment of their "decision". To them you NEED to have kids - just trust them on this fact. You can possibly know for yourself unless you are in the situation. That does not leave a lot of room for those who should not have kids. The key question that everyone seems to miss is "why".

I am pretty selfish with my time. Taking inventory of this fact means that if I am going to have a kid, I better have a partner that shoulders the considerable emotional load that raising a healthy child requires. Chasey challenges me to give a lot to the boy - more than I knew I was capable of - but no so much that I fail. We discussed these things in very clear terms before going forward and setting realistic expectations has really been the key to our (so far) success.

I looked over your reasons and I think they are well thought out and reasonable. The one thing that was interesting to me though was the point about #1 (the job thing). If you HAVE to change to support the kid and you end up doing something or working with people you don't love, that might be able to generate some unrecognised resentment toward the kid. There are lots of things that might do that. Being forced to change for any reason doesn't work out well. Choosing it with open eyes is always much better. I use that example because I would recommend really examining all aspects that might change (vacations, money, religious issues, extended family issues to name a few).

Like I said, I am really happy to see you taking a methodical logical approach to this and I am confident that you will end up in the right place if you go through this the right way.

A final thought, there is certainly a place for children in our lives and a natural instinct to procreate. Look around for ways to address this in a meaningful and rewarding way so that you can't mistake this hole for a real desire to have a kid. I stress the rewarding part because this is not just some charity work. It could simply be a consistent contact with a family member's kid or a specific area where you interact with them (e.g. you can be the t-ball aunt /uncle or whatever). To address it though - I would guess that the contact would need to be both consistent (every week even without an easy "out") and personal.

Good luck you two.

06-26-2006, 01:10 PM	#16 (permalink)
Mondak Industrialist Location: Southern California	So our boy Wyatt is almost 11 months right now. He has been a wonderful enhancement to our lives to be sure. That being said, not everyone should have kids. In fact, if it were just me or me with another person, I don't think it would be right for me. There is a lot of pressure in society to be the same. If someone is healthy enough to even ask themselves the question and SERIOUSLY take inventory of whether they should have kids, they are in the minority. Sure people pay the decision to produce a life lip service. If they do an investigation though - they simply process the data that leads them to the end they already choose and ignore the things that point to the contrary. Most times, if someone who has kids catches wind of your investigation, they tend to take it as an indictment of their "decision". To them you NEED to have kids - just trust them on this fact. You can possibly know for yourself unless you are in the situation. That does not leave a lot of room for those who should not have kids. The key question that everyone seems to miss is "why". I am pretty selfish with my time. Taking inventory of this fact means that if I am going to have a kid, I better have a partner that shoulders the considerable emotional load that raising a healthy child requires. Chasey challenges me to give a lot to the boy - more than I knew I was capable of - but no so much that I fail. We discussed these things in very clear terms before going forward and setting realistic expectations has really been the key to our (so far) success. I looked over your reasons and I think they are well thought out and reasonable. The one thing that was interesting to me though was the point about #1 (the job thing). If you HAVE to change to support the kid and you end up doing something or working with people you don't love, that might be able to generate some unrecognised resentment toward the kid. There are lots of things that might do that. Being forced to change for any reason doesn't work out well. Choosing it with open eyes is always much better. I use that example because I would recommend really examining all aspects that might change (vacations, money, religious issues, extended family issues to name a few). Like I said, I am really happy to see you taking a methodical logical approach to this and I am confident that you will end up in the right place if you go through this the right way. A final thought, there is certainly a place for children in our lives and a natural instinct to procreate. Look around for ways to address this in a meaningful and rewarding way so that you can't mistake this hole for a real desire to have a kid. I stress the rewarding part because this is not just some charity work. It could simply be a consistent contact with a family member's kid or a specific area where you interact with them (e.g. you can be the t-ball aunt /uncle or whatever). To address it though - I would guess that the contact would need to be both consistent (every week even without an easy "out") and personal. Good luck you two. __________________ All truth passes through three stages: First it is ridiculed Second, it is violently opposed and Third, it is accepted as self-evident. ARTHUR SCHOPENHAUER (1788-1860)