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Originally Posted by Stiltzkin
I know I'm going to ruffle some people's feathers by saying this, but a lot of women (not all women) have really horrible judgment when it comes to sizing up a guy. My mom has dated more abusive men than I'd care to think about, and I could tell right off the bat without even talking that much to each guy that he was a complete ass-wipe. I knew each time that my mom was going to get hurt, and I'd even tell her, but I have no idea what went through her mind each time.
I know there's plenty of guys out there who would *never* hit a girl for no reason. I can only see myself hitting a girl if she kneed me really hard in the groin or whacked me so hard that I started to bleed or bruise badly--and I would never strike the first blow. But this is something that (some) women need to face up to: either learn to excert better judment, or learn how to say "no", whatever the case may be. For women who don't know how to say no to a guy who's really persistent, there is help. You can seek out assertive therapy or try reading When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. |
I split your post in half for a reason.
This is going to sound strange, but I agree with both parts of your post, but disagree with it as a whole
Let me explain. The first half is very true. Some women do hook up with abusive partners in succession. Most of the time it isn't obvious, at least not to us, that he's an abusive asshole, and he manages to be charming until you're into the relationship. This does not, however, shift any responsibility for the abuse onto the victim.
The second half is also true. Many women do need to be more assertive. I have a problem with this, but fortunately I'm with a partner who is sensitive to it and doesn't take advantage of it, so my being passive doesn't really harm me in any significant way (though my sister would be happy to list a dozen in which she thinks it does). I enjoy being a caretaker and I get pleasure from pleasing others, so my lack of assertiveness, my willingness to get pleasure from pleasing others is something that benefits me, is good for me most of the time.
But there's a disconnect between the first part and the second part. When you're hooked up with one of these guys, there are no rules for how to behave that will stop the abuse. If he's going to hit you, he's going to hit you. Attempting to be more assertive might set him off, and in fact often does. These guys don't want to be told "no" and if he's determined that things are going to be a certain way, telling him no isn't going to keep him from doing what's necessary to make them that way. When a guy reaches the point where he's willing to be violent with his wife/girlfriend, he's beyond the point at which verbal assertiveness is going to help. The only answer is to leave, which is very, very difficult to do when you're convinced you don't deserve anything better.
So, yes, I agree with you on both parts, but I don't think they're connected.
Gilda