Explaining bad news to toddlers?
 

My son is two and a half. His best friend is a three year old boy, who also has a 5 year old sister and an infant sister. Last week, their house burned down, but fortunately there were no injuries. We just found out yesterday (we had been away). We haven't told our son yet; we certainly want to wait until he can see his friend face to face.

How much is a toddler ready to understand about things like this?

Wow. . . just wow. . . I'm glad that nobody got hurt, and I'm hoping that they were insured!

My children are now 5 and 4, and they've both got more comprehension and understanding that even I give them credit for. Personally I would be very honest about it and probably leverage the discussion into how dangerous playing with certain things can be. On the flipside unless this is going to require his friends family to relocate and thus lose touch with them I don't think that I'd put too much emphasis on it, of course making the assumption that it's not going to impact his actual environment much.

Hopefully the boys will be able to learn that as good friends they can help each other through difficult times.

Stress no one was hurt... and what they lost was just things - -maybe it's a lesson about sharing his things with someone who doesn't have thiers anymore.

Doubley stress how you have smoke detectors in your house and maybe show him how they work so that you are protecting yourself from havng it happen.

I think the previous posters have this pretty much covered. The first thing that came to my mind was the opportunity to express why playing with fire is so bad. The second was sharing toys with him because his are gone now. Your son is still very young and might not quite understand what all of this means for a while, but it can't hurt to talk to him about it and see what his responses are.

Thanks for your thoughts. Just as a bit more background, it was believed to be an electrical short, they are insured, and they are planning to rebuild on the same property. I think they'll be living in a nearby hotel until the rebuild is completed.

Good to hear! At least insurance is doing it's job for once :)

Perhaps it's a small blessing, it's a little drastic, but a helluva remodel. You can send them my sympathies and here's hoping that they didn't lose too many things that were irreplaceable.

I think the worst part of it for a little kid, that it could happen to them... Heck any age might think that... Is a toddler too young for fire drills? Probably, but showing him where the smoke detectors are and where the fire extinguishers are might help.. and also stress how important it is that no one got hurt, that they can rebuild.

It's gotta be tough for a little guy to take it all in...

Are there fire engine and fire department books for kids?

In case anyone is curious, we went with the simple "Bobby's house is broken. Bobby's family is living in a new house until they fix their old house." Also, we avoided passing the burned house until he had seen his friend in the new house a couple of times. Sometimes he brings it up ("Bobby house fall down"), and he seems a bit concerned about it, but we try to reassure him that everybody is OK, and that the house just needs to be fixed.

I second this wholeheartedly. I see you've already dealt with the general issue to some degree, but I would be sure to do something to reassure your child that your house is not about to fall down, too.

Obviously, you can't promise that it won't happen (it's a really good bet, but a bummer if you are proven wrong), but I would explain how sometimes things like this happen and that is why you have smoke detectors, etc.

I also think it can't hurt to talk about what to do if a smoke detector goes off.

thank goodness no one was hurt.

was the family in the home when it burnt down? if the kids saw it, they might be in need of some comforting / long term counselling. here's why...

when i was 11, there was a fire in my room - at the foot of my bed. i am a very heavy sleeper. i woke to the sound of the fire alarm. thank goodness it didn't spread quickly, or i would be physically scarred for like. as it is, it's only mental. i still can't wake to any sort of beeping alarm - they scare the shit out of me. i went to a counsellor for a while. it didn't make me unafraid, but it did help know what i was afraid of. fear is ok in some cases. and when it comes to fire, fear is good.

so please, make sure these little ones (yours too!) are getting some extra hugs and a bit of wee one mental guidance.

Clavus' method for imparting difficult truths to children -

Start by telling the truth in a vague or general manner. Allow the kid to ask questions. They will generally ask for more clarity, more specifics. Answer the questions truthfully. Answer specifically what is asked, not what you think is being asked. (listen, goddammit) Allow the kid to get to get as much information as he/she is comfortable with.

If your kids are like mine, expect follow-up questions days or weeks later. Answer them.

Their 3 year old was home with their nanny, and was napping; the nanny was the one who discovered the fire. Everyone else was out. I'm not sure how much he saw.

Good advice. We are still on the basics. He'll say "Bobby's house broke" in a sad voice. I'll say "yes, but they are OK. They'll get a new house." He'll say "Get new one!" happily. At this point, that seems to be all he needs/wants to hear.

I wrestled for a couple of months with how to tell my (then 3 YO) daughter than Mummy was moving out, and in the face of continued indifference from her mother, I eventually insisted - the day before the move - that we all go to the and explain it to her.

I chose the park as being a neutral place - not Mummys and not mine - but also so tat if she was upset we wouldn't have to worry about "this is the place where you told me bad news" in the house.

She took it very well - ased a couple of questions ("does that mean Mummy doesn't need to make you sad anymore by shouting?") and then wanted to play on the swings.

I realised that kids know far more tan you realise, and understand with more facility tan you might imagine.

i do like clavus' advice about letting the children direct the conversation. this seems like it could apply in so many different situations.

Not that this is anything new, but clavus is the man. ;)

This is excellent advice. Children are a lot brighter than we give them credit for. They will ask the questions they need the answers to, and once they are "full" they will stop. You wouldn't want to overwhelm a very young child by explaining too much - this method allows them to take in what they need to in order to understand a difficult situation.

Well said, Clavus.

Since someone else woke the thread, here's a little update. My son is still mentioning "Bobby's house broke" in casual conversation, but last week, he followed that with "Daddy's house safe".