wilbjammin

What is the #1 thing that makes a good parent?

I often wonder if I'd be a good father...

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Innominate.

MacGnG

always being there

Fearless_Hyena

forethought

Tophat665

I find that the single most important thing in parenting is just being willing to get up off my ass and do whatever needs doing when my kids need it. If I did that more often I would be a better parent.

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Light a man a fire, and he will be warm while it burns.
Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

Halx

It's hard to break it down, but I'd say... you gotta give your kids freedom. Knowing when to hold them close and when to let them loose is very important. It's the difference between a well-adjusted individual or a sheltered/unbridled personality.

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cait987

honestly, since Im not super old I can personally say the best thing later on (14+) is know where your kid is going. Most parents just let their kids leave the house and wander around like a idiot which is dumb unless you want to see your kid on the 11 o clock news in jail.

Most of the time ide say the ask who what why where when commericals are pretty dumb however they are true, most of the time if you ask those questions you can make your son/daughter feel pressured and more reluctant to try something knowing that bad things come from it.

There is however a opposite end of the spectrum where your kid doesnt have enough freedom which in alot of cases ends up turning into the person being afraid to speak to people or they just grow up not as social (which isnt a bad thing). Also the biggest issue with this is sometimes the kid feels that their parents care to much and in a way to get back at the parent they do just what you dont want them to do.

This was sposed to be short and I could probaly go on but ill sum it up: Ask who what why where when even if it seems dumb however dont turn into a freak about what your kid is doing let them learn on their own however give them advice on good / bad decisions it is a deterrent I can say personally.

Edit:Blah started post before Halx posted and went afk come back and he posted what I said in a much longer detail but ill leave it up since it does have some decent advice I think ;/

God of Thunder

As the new parent of a 3-week-old, I'll be spending quite a bit of time in here.

Right now the only advice I have is to love her like no other. (Like that's so hard to do right now.)

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I reject your reality, and substitute my own

-- Adam Savage

torgone

Commitment.

Committing yourself now and for the rest of your life to doing what is best for your child. Shelter, nurture, protect and teach them while they're young. Guide and accept them into adulthood. Let them go when they need to go. Give them absolutely everything within your power to give. Give them the confidence and security of knowing that you will always be there for them.

I guess you could also call that love.

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"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
Groucho Marx

sexymama

My first response is Uncoditional Love.

However, I want to clarify that -- part of loving someone is having boundaries, allowing for consequences to teach lessons, and total acceptance. It is NOT letting someone walk all over you!

Also, the other greatest gift you can give a child is loving yourself! When you love yourself and take care of yourself, you are modeling for your child, self love. You are saying, through your actions, we are good enough and we are lovable -- because if I'm lovable and you are part of me, then you must be lovable too.

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If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god

It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

tecoyah

Without a doubt......UNDERSTANDING.

In the full context of this word....look it up.
This one concept will lead to all others if you allow yourself to live it.

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Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

Redlemon

I'll resummarize, based on how my parents treated me in high school. "Let me know where you will be, how I can reach you, and when you will be home. If you will be later than that, call." They were very flexible and easy, as long as I stayed within that rule, and because of that I didn't abuse it.

gonadman

Putting your child's needs before your own...

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For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel, looking, looking, ...breathlessly.
-Carlos Castaneda

~springrain

TRUTH.
when your kids find out you've lied... the trust just disappears.
pretty difficult to parent anyone without trust.
i ask them for the truth... i give it back in return... period.

EruptiveDreamz

I don't think there is such a thing as a perfect parent. What makes a parent is someone who is involved. Perfect? I ruled that out long ago. I guess if I was to look at a perfect parent. It would have to be a parent who gives it their best shot. Does the best they can. Can admit to making mistakes and only being human with a heart that cares.

I don't understand these people who have kids and claim to hate them and /or have nothing to with them. My mom always says .. you can love your child yet hate everything about them but it doesn't take away the fact that you still love your child.

I like these commercials on drugs and being a supermom. That's a bunch of shit. If you go by what the books and commercials say makes a great parent .. good luck! My son changed all the text books for me. Once you have a child .. you are either a parent or your not. It isn't something that you can prepare for no matter how much you think you may be prepared.

Not every kid is the same. And they don't come with a manual and it sure isn't a venda machine choice.

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Can you imagine Moses asking Congress to pass the ten commandments?

mr sticky

Number one is patience: Patience is my worst fault and the key to most of my parenting disasters. I have a six year old, a three year old, and one on the way. So I need it in spades.

Number two is flexibility: Those little stinkers NEVER behave"in character" and always take the path-of-the-least-expected. Although, these are often your best memory snapshots.

Number three: don't forget what it's like to be a kid. Playing in the rain doesn't really give you pneumonia. And almost everything washes off eventually.


*Parenting tip*


NERF BAZOOKA!!! You don't want to hurt them, but sometimes you really need the stopping power!!

Buy one today!

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The sad thing is... as you get older you come to realize that you don't so much pilot your life, as you just try to hold on, in a screaming, defiant ball of white-knuckle anxious fury

synic213

I'm gonna say two things:
1) Communication - Don't ever be afraid to talk to your children, tell them about yourself and let them share their feelings with you. Don't dumb things down for their benefit, but don't feel the need to be vulgar for the sake of realism. Being able to communicate well builds confidence and charisma.
2) Consistency - Be consistent with your child. Don't change the rules half way through the game. Don't threaten punishment and not carry through. By the same token, don't promise rewards that they will never see. Children are looking for structure and balance, and are easily confused when there isn't stability in their lives.
My 2 cents.

PS - I have a 7 month old son, so I am just beginning to work on these things myself. Thanks for all the good advice given above.

:::OshnSoul:::

I was gonna say Truth, but....

LOVE- with that comes everything else.

raeanna74

Tough love. Setting bounderies for their good. Being moved to work for them when you don't feel like it. Simply wanting the best for them in all aspects and knowing that they need your love most. Also if you are married - loving your spouse. So many children go through so much turmoil because their parents don't love each other or treat each other with respect. I've seen such broken hearts in children that should not be carrying that kind of load and it's all because the parents couldn't love each other or their child. Love takes work. Love your child.

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"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

fnaqzna

Good parent or good father... as a father, I can say that one of the more difficult things to come to grips with is the sense of sacrifice. As children and later young men, we males aren't generally conditioned for the type of nurturing that we will be doing later. AFAICT, most men spend the first two decades (or more) caring for just one person, themselves.

It's a rough transition and a lot of fathers buckle under the pressure of it. So yeah... committment, sacrifice... The decision to become a father is easy. Living with the decision can be a challenge.


Now... if we're speaking parenting in general and not father specific, I think consistency is key. Very young children absolutely thrive on structure and an ordered lifestyle.

skier

this really calls to me. Until I was 16 my parents had always told me the truth, and I had absolute trust in them. When i found out one day that they tricked me into staying home this one night (both of them lying out their asses to acheive this) i lost all respect and trust for them. If they had just told me that they were worried about me and would really enjoy if I stayed home that night, I would have done it for sure. As it was though, we pretty much stopped communicating at that point and the last years of high school with my parents were very trying.

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"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

wilbjammin

Well, I figure that since I'm a man, that if I have children I'd be father if I become a parent. I'm a very affectionate person selectively. And very nuturing, I really watch out for all of my friends and esp. my girlfriend. I know that I'm not ready to have kids yet (anti fishstick, we have enough to deal with now as it is!), but it is certainly something that I do think about. I'm not going to become a father without having a stable life first (job, living arrangements, steady committed relationship, etc); that's something that is important to me.

My father is a big model for this... he has had steady jobs that pay decently well since I was born, and he's been a big help getting me through school. I know that he's done jobs that he didn't like much and worked very hard on them because of me and I don't think I'll ever be able to make that up to him... I only hope that when I'm settled down and ready to have kids that I can be for my family what he was for me. I only wish that I could have appreciated him more when I was in high school. There's a poem that always hits me deep inside when I read it by Robert Hayden:

It is so weird how I've changed since high school... I used to have serious problems with the idea of really having a partner, let alone ever having a kid. Now I think that at some point I could actually be a family man. My values have really changed... I know what you mean about just caring about yourself for those first two decades. I doesn't exactly ring totally true to me, but there is a change that I'm going through. Maybe I'm discovering what it really means to be a man?

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Innominate.

:::OshnSoul:::

Right there shows that you would- you care enough to wonder about it, so when the time comes, I know you would do everything you possibly do to be a good father. That's what counts.

Yalaynia

As far as being the perfect parent I dont know if there is one. There will be second guessing specially for the first time parents. You wont always be wondering should I do this, have I done that right, should I have done this rather then that, but the questions will be there. As they get older they try to test your limits seeing how much they can get away with. You are going to hear I hate you or Just leave me alone. I m not saying all kids are going to do this but so far with everyone that I know that is a parent they have heard it. Doesnt mean that they dont love you they are just trying to see what they can get away with and upset when they get stoped.
When they are young they love you unconditionally, as they get older you have to insure them that you love them, they may not aways say it back you just have to know that they do, and by telling them constantly insures them you do.
Always know where your child is, the best thing you could ever do. Dont ever let them get out of reach. Tell them everytime they leave the house that you love them and becareful. Sure they are going to think its stupid, repetative or lame and any other "cool" term that comes up but atleast they know that you do love them and worry about them.
Set aside time to have a one on one with them even if its just watching cartoons, or going for a walk drawing, holding them in your arms if they are a baby, anything just spend time with them alone. You can do this at any age. Build that parent child bond between you so that they do feel comfortable to come and talk to you about anything and everything. Doesnt matter what time just pick an hour out of the day and talk to your child(ren). Get to know them even if they are only a few weeks or months old and sleeping they still know whats going on. They are individuals so spending time with each one on their own with you is equally important as spending together as a family.
Dont be afraid to let go. Just instill in them your trust and love and hope that they remember everything you taught them and will still teach them. They are always going to be your babies no matter how old they are. I m 27 years old and my mom still calls me her little girl.
I dont know if this helps, anyone but this is just what I have been taught I am a young mother I had my son when I was 19. I know some have had children when they were younger then me but this is everything that I have seen growing up. Everything that my mom taught me and what I hope to teach to my son.

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I couldnt think of anything to put here , but I guess anything would do

skysooner

Be there for your kids, but don't always be there for your kids. My wife and I make a very concerted effort to keep our marriage strong with together time. We see so many of our friends just totally dedicating their lives to their children's activities that their relationship is suffering.

Charlatan

Patience: Kids are just a bundle of things that will get on your nerves... if not now then soon

Consistent: If you say you are going to do something do it. This runs from promising to take them to the movies to threatening their TV privileges if they don't do their homework. Don't be wishy-washy.

Don't try to be your kids best friend.


Also... what works when they are 5 is not necessarily what works when they are 16.

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"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

:::OshnSoul:::

Why not? There can, however be different definitons for "best friend". A best friend doesn't narrow options, a best friend listens, a best friend doesn't hold you back, a best friend doesn't ignore you, a best friend helps make aware of consequences, but doesn't say what to do, a best friend friend doesn't judge, a best friend gives privacy, a best friend doesn't lie, a best friend respects you, and a best friend- most importantly- lets you be who you are.

I may be rambling, sorry. But my point is that there can be a "teenage best friend" but there can be a "parent best friend". You don't have to act like them, try to get into their activities/hobbies, push to talk..........A "parent best friend" listens. And they give their child (5 or 16) the space to be who they are.
Too many limitations, lack of respect, honesty, or care lead the child to be withdrawn, rebellious, and even sometimes vengelful because the parents weren't there for them, didn't care, or didn't trust them.
Hey, I can stand to be "hated" when my son gets older, but I can lessen it by being a "parent best friend."

fnaqzna

A best friend may not say what to do, but a parent certainly does.

The problem with trying to be your child's friend is a matter of perspective. Parenting is tough enough without worrying about whether your child likes you or not. If you are a good parent, your children will love you.

Friends are essentially equals. Parents and children are not, at least not in my house they are not. One day, we might be equals, but that day won't come as long as they are living in my house.

:::OshnSoul:::

we are all equals, no matter our age or athourity.
Parents try too hard when they are worrying if their children like them. Act yourself. Let them act themselves. Let them make choices. Be honest. Give them space. Listen. Respect them. That's a genuine parent's role.

fnaqzna

It's not about authority. It's about dependence.

I agree with you in some respects, but even your argument validates mine. "Let them make choices. Give them space."

What they have is mine to bestow. The choices they have are what I allow. We are not equals.

:::OshnSoul:::

^^^ That's cool. I am just expressing my definition of a parent role- we all have different ideas on that, and that's fine, just as long as we are doing the best we can. No argument at all.

Antikarma

You got to know when to hold em'
Know when to fold em'
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

Ahhhhhh 30k in student loans, how you have helped me....

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"Whoever you are, go out into the evening,
leaving your room, of which you know each bit;
your house is the last before the infinite,
whoever you are."

powerclown

Cooking Skills

Symphony

You took the words out of my mouth! I couldn't agree more!

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and yet...and yet

viejo gringo

Listen to what they have to say---NO DAMN it I mean stop and listen to what they are telling you....some times it is hard for a child to come right out and say what they want you to hear...

There are times when you must make them understand that they can trust you and tell you anything without you going ballistic and blaming them or not investigating to find the truth.....

as my teen agers got older, we had a pack that if they got somewhere and needed a ride home or just needed to get out of a bad situation that they could call me at any time and I would come and get them...AND there would be no questions or reprisals for being in the wrong place....and it worked..

I think it was just mutual respect....

:::OshnSoul:::

^^^ that is excellent. That's my plan.

viejo gringo

and---if you want to teach a child something you must bring them UP to your level....if you want to have fun, you must come down to their level...

krwlz

I think making the distinction that you are his/her parent, not his/her friend.

PDOUBLEOP

IMHO...Consistency more than anything else. If you're strict fine, stay that way all the time. Don't make rules then let them be broken or break them yourself. If you don't plan on grounding your child for getting an "F" then don't tell them you will. That way everyone knows the rules and what to expect.

Being their friend is okay...just don't TRY to be.

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ef you-you effing ef

gibingus

indeed.

i would also put forth selflessness. not that i suggest you lose yourself, because if you do you are of no value to anyone.

but the minute you have a kid, YOU are not number one anymore... the kid is. most parents i see who have problems are too selfish and haven't accepted the commitment fully.

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if everyone is thinking alike, chances are no one is thinking.

jcookc6

No matter what you do, someone will think it is wrong. Maybe not now, but definately later.