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Old 10-04-2003, 09:10 AM   #1 (permalink)
I'm baaaaack!
 
Trying to write a book

I have not gotten very far yet, but it is going to be a comedic story. I have the whole story mapped out, but have only gotten a page written. Please read what I have and tell me what you think. What I am mainly focused on is if you want to read more or not.

Chapter 1- Space Cadet

“Noooooooooo! Shit!” I screamed at the computer, hoping it would hear how mad I was and change my score.

“I was sooo close, and that damned bumper threw me off. It always has to happen to me, doesn’t it?” For the past few months at work, I was working fervently trying to make the high score list in pinball. The person who was at this computer before me was obviously some kind of pinball genius, because I considered myself very good at the game and could not even get myself into the fifth position. I was only three thousand points away that time.

“You okay over there, Maxie?” asked Janette. She was in the cubicle right next to mine, and obviously did not know about my struggle with the game.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I replied begrudgingly. “What are you doing tonight, J?”

“Oh, not too much. Got another date tonight, actually.”

‘With Gym Guy?” I asked. Janette had so many people trying to date her that I had to give them location-oriented nicknames so that I could keep track of them. She also had so many people trying to date her that I wanted to kill her out of pure spite and jealousy, but that’s another story entirely.

“No, tonight is Ralph.” Her reply left me blank, and she apparently noticed this, because she came back with “Ralph is the Karate instructor that I met at the gas station on Tuesday. You remember, don’t you?”

Her train of thought sometimes made my brain hurt. Okay, maybe it wasn’t her train of thought as much as it was her talking speed. I know that I am in for a long conversation now.

“Oh yeah, Ralph.” I had a somewhat blank look on my face as I scrambled to relieve Tuesday, searching for any sign of ‘Ralph.’ Nope, nota. Don’t remember a thing. I realized as I was thinking this that Janette’s face was getting a strange look on it, the kind of look you get when you realize that you have to retell a story again. It sort of looked like she was taking a deep breath to start in on the events at the gas station. Act fast, Maxie- you may be able to appease her yet.

“Ralph is kind of a strange name. Sounds like a plumber to me. Or maybe he is a pool guy. Yeah! I bet that’s it!” I struggled for anything that might get Janette thinking.

“A pool guy?” Her poor little face twisted into a look that reminded me of my mother when my dog started humping her leg as a puppy. “I could be going on a date with a pool guy…” From there her thoughts trailed off into a part of her mind that I would never understand- the part labeled ‘What I Would Look Like Dating this Guy’.

“It’s really no big deal, J,” I said. “You don’t know if he’s a pool guy. Besides, they don’t have to go to a salon to tan since they work outside all day.”

“They couldn’t AFFORD to go to a salon, Maxie!” Yes! Victory! She had something to keep her mind busy so that she would leave me alone for a while.

“Did he say where he was taking you to dinner?” I asked.

“He’s not,” she replied. Janette than brought her arm up and started tapping her index finger on her perfectly painted lips. “Come to think of it, he wanted to go for a walk through the Old Market. Walks don’t cost anything. OH GOD, Maxie. I’m going on a date with someone poor!”

After that statement, Janette plopped down in her cubicle and grabbed the headset off of her phone. I could only assume that she was thumbing through her address book to find poor Ralph’s number. I really did like Janette, just not today. Janette is a sweet and loveable person, but she has the mentality of a fourteen year old. Everything for her revolves around how she looks and where to shop. To give you an example, her license plates read “ChargIT”. Janette is one of those friends that would do anything for you, but you could only call them to hang out if you were really desperate (watching QVC desperate) because she would either A- drive you insane with her shallow thoughts, or B- unintentionally make you feel fat, ugly, and poor. So you can’t blame me for trying to cut our conversation short. Besides, today was a day where I wanted- no, needed, to feel really great about myself.

What is so great about this day, you ask? Well, for starters, it is Joe’s birthday (if you plan on reading all of my thoughts, we better clear up who Joe is, because he will be appearing in a lot of them. Joe is my live-in boyfriend. In fact, let’s just start calling him my fiancé since it is not so far from the truth. (Hey, these are my thoughts, I can stretch the truth.))
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Old 10-12-2003, 11:10 PM   #2 (permalink)
Banned
 
i love the life you give the characters... the conversation is very good- i particularly like the assignment of places to names for easy recall, very nice touch. i'd definitely want to read this, and more of it.

if i may give one critique though, i'd say that you seem to shift tense a bit... past to present... but it doesn't seem that you're telling the story in the same tenses... i don't know, it throws it off a bit. i love it otherwise, please keep this up!
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Old 10-17-2003, 03:06 PM   #3 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Location: Utah
Yes, I would like to read more. I like it
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And as she plays,
her sweet song of laughter
floats through the air
and warms my heart
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Old 10-18-2003, 11:16 PM   #4 (permalink)
Thats MR. Muffin Face now
 
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Location: Everywhere work sends me
Its very good, thanks for sharing
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"Life is possible only with illusions. And so, the question for the science of mental health must become an absolutely new and revolutionary one, yet one that reflects the essence of the human condition: On what level of illusion does one live?"
-- Ernest Becker, The Denial of Death
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