Manorfire

I live opposite one of the largest universities in the UK. For the past 3 years, I've offered free board and facilities to a student in return for completing some cooking and domestic tasks. It's an arrangement that has always been very successful and I've made some nice friendships along the way.

As it happens, all of the students I've previously had have been female. They've also been very outgoing and had lots of similar friends, who would visit the house. My last lodger moved out just before Xmas. I've since had problems finding a new one because of the time of the year.

That was until an enquiry over the weekend led to a student coming to view the house yesterday. I really liked him and so did my 4 year old daughter. It's quite a novelty for her to have another male in the house. He's got above average cooking skills and has offered to do beyond the usual domestic tasks as he prefers a very tidy home. He's also studying subjects that I'm involved and interested in. We had a deep and meaningful conversation about various social issues - he's gay, I'm disabled - and concluded that we have a similar perspective on things.

As he left the house, I told him I'd let him know shortly as he needs the room as soon as possible. I should be happy to have met such a suitable lodger, but all night I've been awake thinking it over. He told me he's made no firm friends in the first term of his course and he left the home he was sharing with other students due to not getting on with them. We really seem like peas in a pod! It's the fact that he's male that presents itself as an issue. I now accept that I'd have prefered another female, for various reasons. This makes me feel low that I could be so sexist.

I work from home and going out to socialise has become more physically difficult this year. Also, I was mugged a year ago and my confidence has been knocked. I realise now how much I'd relied on my previous lodger and her friends to stimulate my mind and entertain me. Whereas, he has told me he's a 'loner', who prefers a peaceful environment and who doesn't go out much. I feel like all female company will be cut off, but I have no choice such is the urgent need for a lodger. I also feel down as this has magnified how many friends I have of my own.

I am going to take him on and hope these feelings are temporary. I'm really just looking for your thoughts. I need to view this as a positive event, rather than let my negativity overshadow it.

host

Manorfire, you are offering nearly free lodging. You should have more leverage than someone offering rented living space.

On one hand, you hit it off well with your potential house mate. On the other hand, you have grown used to living with someone more outgoing, and you enjoyed the company of her and her friends. You already are convinced that your applicant will not offer the level of interaction or "presence" that you formerly enjoyed.

If I were you, I would not let the man's gender or sexual orientation become an issue in making your decision. If the pluses...his immediate availability, the first impression that he made, his interest in doing more to maintain your household than what you expected, outweigh the minuses of more time without a house mate while you attract and interview other applicants, and his anticipated lack of being potentially "good company", and lack of friends of his stopping by, too, then keep looking....

If you're concerned about what to say to him, if you decide against inviting him into your household, explain to him that you are looking for someone who will likely foster a similar atmosphere to what you experienced with your recent house mate. He should understand and accept that he is unlikely to bring a similar social aspect to life in your house........

Manorfire

Thank you host: you've accurately paraphrased my problem and you're right - I should weigh up the pros and cons of him as a person, rather than focus on his gender. Sometimes, I feel like I'm slowly deserting the principles I've always upheld. I am disappointed with myself for even having these feelings, though ignoring them, at this stage, would not be a good idea.

I hope in all earnest that I'm accepting of his sexuality and I'd have similar feelings concerning every male lodger who states they are a loner...He certainly appears to debunk the common stereotype that gay men have an abundance of female friends. He has a boyfriend, who lives in a nearby city, and has asked if he could stay over on occasion. I am agreeable, providing his boyfriend is of good character.

I checked out the references he gave me and they back up my first impressions of him. Provided his referees are being honest, and I sense that they are, he would make an exemplary lodger. Apart from his apparent lack of social 'aspects', I would be blatantly discriminating against the chap for not taking him on. His viewpoint, similar to my own, is that society does not 'embrace' him too much, so I'd feel particulary poor for treating him that way. After all, him providing me with light entertainment, on top of everything else, does not form part of the contract.

It took my previous lodgers a little while to relax around me, so perhaps he will become more exuberant as time goes by. If not, maybe it will give me the kick to find more interaction away from home. Two near recluses in the same household will not be good for any of us. He doesn't finish his degree until July 2008 and then might do a post-grad course, so he might be my housemate for a while. Hopefully, we will welcome the stability.

Should I share any of my concerns with him, in the hope that he somehow reassures me, or should I keep them to myself?

analog

Perhaps you could have more fun with this guy because you share common interests and have something interesting to talk about, rather than a random female just because she's likely to bring other females around.

Did I just say that?

spindles

I would keep them to myself. There is no long term binding contract here is there? You could always review the live conditions within a short term (say 3 months) and either

1. bring concerns up at that point
2. ask him to leave
3. do nothing (if things are going fine).

I don't think there is any need to start off confrontational.

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SirLance

Why not just ask? How could it hurt to say "I'm inclined to take you on, but I'm concerned that I might lose the social stimulation my previous lodgers have brought along." Let him address that.

I think you're trying to manipulate things to a certain outcome, but the fact is you can't force anyone to act in a given manner, nor can you predict how the situation will play out, should you take him on. I've always felt that if you are concerned about your interactions with someone, you should talk to them about it.

It seems to me that everyone wins in what you're offering.

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Sharon

Hey Manorfire... it's been almost 2 weeks since you posted, I'm just wondering how this turned out for you in the end?

Konichiwaneko

Sounds like you need a friend, and he needs a friend.

hope things worked out.

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