Crying in the Workplace
 

I know not all people are the same... and I know I'm a pretty emotionless person. I also learned early on in my working career - that baggage get's checked at the door, you get paid to do a job, not be a drama queen.

Apparantly, that lesson has skipped a generation.

Last night, I spent about 45 minutes working with a young lady getting her to use the new software that is being installed... Not using the software is not an option. Everything I showed her, she gave me attitude on and would give me a 15 explaination on why she couldn't do it that way... Now this child's use of the word LIKE every other like word was like reducing me to like tears... but i pushed on...

At some point, she realized that attitide wasn't going anywhere with me, so she pulled that most annoying of female things... She started to cry. You're kidding right? I told her I'd come back when she was ready to do some work because clearly she had someone on her mind, and maybe she wanted to go to the restroom, wash her face, and take a breath... I was even nice about it...

She then prances off to her bosses office, and pulls the tears bit again... Oh this software is too hard... waaaah waaaah waaahh... Umm.... sweetheart, if you stopped talking long enough to listen and run your freakin' mouse as much as you run your freakin' mouth, you might actually get it. She's still crying to her boss, he's feeding her tissues... (I just love creative environments, drama queen women, and overly sensitive men who enable them)

She finally comes back later, after wasting an hour of my time... and settles down and does what she needs to do...

so... my question is - Why do think people think it's OK to actually cry at work? You are paid to do a job, don't like it? there's the door... Have other troubles/ take a personal day... It was clearly not the first time that this woman dissoved into tears, and she's not all that a talented designer... why would a company keep around such a person.

So, people who have more heart than I do - -how do you deal with tears at work? Ever cry at work? how'd it go over?

First off, HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I am going to have to use that one!

And yes, in stressful environments it is normal to cry at work. What you have here is someone who has been enabled by her co-workers. They allow her to do that, and when she asks for a reference for her next job, the reference will be "Crier."

I have cried at work, but please understand the work environment I am in. It is not normal, and is a signal to everyone that I am in trouble and I need help.

How Do I deal with criers? Easy. Give them 5 minutes to sort themselves out, ask if they need anything, and explain the situation in a positive way.

Maybe this girl was overwhelmed by something you find very elementary. I suggest taking the approach of "Look how this software package can improve your work environment" instead of "You have no choice but to use this software."

I think this girl has to look at it differently, that's all.

And someone once told me : "All behavior is rational." This girl has a good reason for acting like this, in her mind. It is up to you to find it...

I worked with a woman like this a few years ago...

She's a lovely woman, I just wouldn't want to work with her ever again.

Her modus was too a) deny all responsibility for everything (it was almost pathological) and b) when 'a' get teary and overwhelmed. It was fucking annoying.

I shoud also mention that she was hot. This, combined with 'a' and 'b' let her get out of anything she didn't really want to do. I found it amusing to watch men get twisted around her finger. Interestingly, most women didn't like her.

I wasn't of a level that I had to really deal with her, rather I just had to be ready to defend myself in case her, "well, it's not my fault" was deflected in my direction (oddly, in most cases it wasn't her fault but she would go out of her way to make sure no mud landed on her -- I've always been of the mind that is better to stay quiet rather than draw attention).

Did I mention she quit to persue a career as an actress? She wants to be a celebrity. She currently resides in LA where she trying to make it happen.

There are times when people cry at the office. We've had two indicents here recently - one person was really being harangued to no end by her great blimp of a boss, and just broke down. The other was a young mother just back to work after mat leave and was having some problems adjusting. I can't say I frown on either of these young women.

So, even though the way you make it sound is that this person is unjustified with her tears, I wasn't there and can't say. Who knows, maybe you're an evil boss?

;)

I am evil - hence my name - maleficent - mistress of all that is evil... i am not, however, her boss, I am a lowly contractor in this company being told by her boss to make sure that all his lovely employees are using the software...

Oh man, I REALLY dislike those kind of women. I've known a few in my time, and I just want to slap the men silly (and the woman of course). We had the worst ones on our varsity crew team in college... I had to deal with them the most when I was captain of the women's team (I considered that a work situation). Imagine the mercy of our coach, a Major in the Marines...

Anyway, I know this is going to sound arrogant, but I have never cried at work and I have very little patience for those who do so. The last time this happened was when I was doing fieldwork in Zambia last summer, with a team of 3 graduate students (me, a man, and a woman, all in our 20s) and two professors (two women in their 40s+). We are all professional anthropologists, which generally means we enjoy traveling and know how to adjust to new cultures. Certainly, we all knew we'd be in isolated in a remote Zambian village for weeks at a time, and if we didn't like the idea we wouldn't be there. If nothing else, we had all gotten a free trip to Africa to go camping for the summer, and goddamn if we wouldn't at least act like we were grateful and having a good time.

Or so I thought. I can't count how many times the other female student broke down and/or freaked out. She would cry at the slightest provocation or feeling of someone disliking her, and one of us would have to go and counsel her so that she would stop dragging the whole group down with her mood. The principal investigator (head prof) got very bitter and wished she had never accepted this girl to come on the trip. I couldn't believe this girl was an anthropologist. To me, sure, the average person might have emotional issues in an intense, demanding field situation like that... but come on, this is supposed to be our job, and we're supposed to be mature enough to handle its pressures. Apparently the girl was just not cut out for it. I wanted to strangle her for most of the summer.

Don't get me wrong, I had my moments. Like when I got horribly sick and threw up/had diarrhea for 24 hours straight (real fun when there is no running water or toilet of any kind), I cried. And I missed ktspktsp something awful.. I know the rest of the team had issues, too... their loved ones were far away, and we were all moody at one point or another. But instead of broadcasting it to the whole village and looking like a hormonal American teenager, we chose to cry or ride out our bad moods in private. In the tent, office, or car, where others could not see us. Either that or we would talk about it in a civilized manner, sitting around the campfire, having a rational discussion. NOT crying or throwing an attention-whore fit.

I have to say that I don't really cry in front of anyone, actually, other than my parents and my boyfriend. And hell, I don't hold back around them.. I have no problem letting loose there. But if you ask my best friends, the ones that have known me since we were 6... they've seen me cry maybe once. So I guess even though I try to empathize with other people's issues, my level of tolerance goes way down when it is a work situation. If someone wants to cry after work, fine.. I'll listen then. But NEVER on the job.

No doubt Maleficent is evil, but surely not in a bad way.

I have been in this situation before. I can usually tell it’s going to happen when I say, “let me explain this to you, then when I'm done, ask me if you have any questions. Okay, click on “start, then..."

“You mean the start button down in the left corner?”

“Yes, the only start button on the screen.”

“WAHHHHHHH!”

That’s an abbreviated version, of course. Thank God where I work now everybody is more competent than me and I get to be the crier.

There are very few things in this world I will admit I do well... VERY FEW... User training is something I am very good at, i can take a very complicated topic and break it down so that it's a five year old child could understand it, and not have them realize that they are on the level of a five year old child... I've been doing it a while... I know how to get a person to respond... and I can also diffuse that reluctance to change... This woman just wanted to bitch.. and to get attention because she was under a little pressure to get ths job done because she had been dilly dallying all day... her way of getting attention and diffusing the fact that she was late on this work was to cry... (me has little patience for that)

I honestly am evil, I am also very insensitive at times.... but jaysus christus -- I expect people to act like adults - if you aren't getting it- you have to tell me, i've got 15 different ways of explaining things in my bag of tricks... I may be ugly, but I was smiling when i was talking.. and i'm not unapproachable...

did I mention that she kept me in the office til almost 8:00 - she gets overtime.. I don't... did I mention again that I'm a contactor that doesnt get paid by the hour? i wanted to cry... and also slam her head into the monitor but it was a really nice 20 inch flat screen monitor.. .I'd hate to ruin it...

yeah I can't stand people crying in the work place. I think in her case she might just be a spoilt person who when doesn't get her way tries to find the one thing she knows will help her get her way, an emotional outburst.

While I don't like seeing people get upset personally, in a professional environment it's just something I won't accept. I used to work in management in a retail/general store and when someone broke into tears on me because I wouldn't give them their morning break (because they showed up an hour and a half late) when they asked for it I told them to either pull themselves together or go home and come back tomorrow. It might seem dark, but that's the reality. In a public place it is not exactly good business to cry, burst into a cursing fit or cause a scene. How these people don't know it looks bad on them is beyond me.

Obvisouly there are acceptions to the rule, emotional stress from another source (recent loss of life, 1st time at a job etc etc) i'm not totally heartless. Being harassed by an employer is never easy to deal with, and the example of a woman coming back after maternity leave, that's totally understandable.

but 'I don't understand the softare' is horsecrap.

get it together

There are days as a teacher, especially when I was a substitute that if I were a female, or a male who wore his emotions closer to the surface, I would have cried a river!!!! Kids can be rotten some times!

However, I have learned that certain students actions are not meant to intentionally hurt me. I have learned to dissociate my self, my professional and personal self from a beligerent childs behaviour. I don't take ownership or blame for it. It helps me separate work and home.

In part I don't like criers in the workplace because I can't handle that kind of vulnerability being shown in such a public place. In my head, crying is for spouses to see, not coworkers. Crying is for bedrooms and bathrooms and quiet places. I don't know, maybe I'm emotionally off my rocker...

My guess...she's fun to look at. :rolleyes:

She could be considered cute... :) that is, if, like, you, like, don't like, mind, her constant, like, use, of , um, like the word, like... (she like talks like my 12 year old niece... like... fer sure)

/me picks up the braincells she just dropped typing like that many times in one sentence... like...

Call me Mr. Sensitive, but I don't tolerate it in the workplace. I troubleshoot network issues and frequently have to point a finger at specific servers and network devices. The sniffer doesn't lie and it doesn't care if you cry. If I prove that something you support is at fault, suck it up, accept responsibility, fix it, and move on.

It's kinda interesting to see someone transition from crying to hostility, when they figure out that the former has no effect on me.

Well as I told you last week Mal, I cried at work.....It wasnt on purpose, its the only time I've done it, it totally came out of no where and looking back it was probably because I was about to come down with a 7 day flu AND I had a damn yeast infection AND pms (last week was a BAD week).

The situation wasnt even really about "work", it was about the fact that they cant seem to get the temp regulated in my office and Im doubling up on clothes so I dont freeze even when its 60 degrees outside. I've been asking them for 3 months to remedy the situation and on that tuesday I just lost it and told my boss that I refused to work like this anymore (MY meaning was that I was going to move into a vacant office until they fixed it..HE thought I was threatening to quit and got smartassed with me and said something that hurt my feelings) I didnt cry THEN, I cried when he called me in his office to apologize to me for smarting off....I scared the poor man to death....he said something is obviously wrong with you....this isnt "shannon" behaviour (it took me forever to stop crying lol) He told me to go home early and have a drink and to never cry in his office again lol.

I dont agree with it as a way to "handle" a situation you dont really want to deal with. I would never ever "use" tears to get thru a situation at work....I just usually throw something at the person or close my office door for awhile with a "no boys allowed" (since Im the only female in my engineering dept) sign taped to it (they know they've really pissed me off then lol)

If you need to cry, go somewhere private and do it. Don't burden anyone else with it. That's my philosophy.

People who can turn on and off the waterworks for deferential treatment seem to always be disappointed in my reactions. :)

Everyone has bad days, and that's fine. Like Shani, it's happened, though I didn't like it. But the person in Mal's office? Needs a slap - you wanna cry? I'll give ya something to cry about!!

But most of the crying I've seen has been the bullshit variety. There are just too many damned hormonal oversensitive drama loving females in this office. If I'm having that bad a day for whatever reason (usually personal and nothing to do with work) I will retreat into my office and close the door. I'm a good part Irish, which means I'm so pale EVERYTHING shows on my face. :|

I think I'm with maleficent on this one. Though I've got to say I am mean. When I see women crying in the workplace for nothing other than (most likely) manipulative reasons I have this horrible urge to really give her a reason to cry. Women who cry in the workplace for no good reason instantly lose my respect. It's a horrible tactic some women use to manipulate others.

At Fedex during the night sort time, there is a total of 15 locations to sort out including several international. There's 8 people covering the domestic containers and 4 people covering international. Montreal, Toronto and Vancouver are covered by only one person surprisingly since they get large volume compared to other smaller locations such as interior BC, BC, Edmonton, East Coast, etc.

Most of us have enough experience to be able to deal with overwhelming number of packages coming at once. One time, a female coworker was covering Toronto during the xmas rush, she's a real roughneck if you know what I mean ;) Anyways, she got quickly overwhelmed within the first 15 mins and she pulled the emergency line to stop the line that's moving the package around the warehouse. She freaked out and proceed to cry, saying that she couldn't handle it all by herself. I had to pay the price for it by picking up all the packages, taking over Toronto because my boss figured that the assignment I had (which was Vancouver that night) was light enough for her to be able to handle.

Fuckin bitch had been doing her job for a few years while I've been on it for a mere 8 months and yet, I was still able to handle it.

Mal, I'm gonna have to disagree with you, on the first part that is ;)

Mal-

I think I love you *sniff*. Frankly, I'm a fairly balanced person emotionally. But my inate sense of evil prevails in cases like this. First of all, there's not need to give someone attitude at the office. That's a drama beacon right there. Save that shit for your girlfriends at the bar. *grumble* As for crying? Well, if it happens once, chalk it up to whatever, but if it happens regularly, that's not acceptable. Like BigBen said... in the military, people sometimes cry. But then, it's usually with good reason (deployment for 18 months without wife or child, death of a fellow soldier, Bush getting re-elected, et cetera).

While I can be an emotional person, that is saved for home. You're supposed to be a professional at work--crying is not included in that description. Now, some of us have bad days and those might bring tears (Shani dear) and that's excuseable. Using tears to manipulate other people? That's a huge no-no.

Obviously this woman hasn't really grown up yet.

Geeze... this woman is never going to get anywhere if she can't get a handle on her emotions.

i cried at work once... when i was 16 and i felt like a foolish idiot. I have not cried since.

I agree, ppl need to check their issues.

sweetpea

I have an archiect friend who actually uses the term "DQ'ed".

He said to me one day - 'I got DQ'ed by a lady today'. I said what, a client disqualified you? WTF is that about?.

He said no 'I got Drama Queened. I spent the rest of the meeting smoothing ruffled feathers.'


Hey Mal - maybe you could add that to your 'software training lexicon'. :)


BTW, I can't believe somebody hasn't paraphrased Tom Hanks - ' Crying, there's no crying in software '

I can't stand crying. I seem to know a lot of emotional people. Most of the time, though I can't stand it, i'm mostly indifferent. But then again, I have ice running through my veins.

If you're going to cry, it better be for something good. None of that "boohoo i'm getting scolded for doing something wrong" garbage. As a coach, if i'm yelling at you, chances are it's because
a) you're supposed to be taking this more seriously/putting in more effort because you're in an advanced class.
b) you're not putting in enough effort for ANY level.

Either way, if I yell at you, it doesn't mean i'm going to ride your ass for the rest of your life. It just means that you need to get your ass in gear and do the things that are required. Crying doesn't get you any closer to the solution.

I admit it..I've cried a few times at work, although it's been a few years since the last time I did it. I'm fairly thin skinned and when I first entered the workforce, things people said to me would get to me. However, I've become a lot less sensitive about things like that, and after a "Thank GOD I don't live with that f'ing SOB!" passes my lips (out of earshot, of course), I'm fine.

The last time I really cried was when I first moved to North Carolina 6 years ago...I was 3000 miles from my previous home, I'd been separated from my hubby for 7 months, and I was at a new job...my boss jumped on my back (really, she could be a major bitch) for making a somewhat serious mistake, and I lost it. No, it wasn't professional to do so in front of customers, but I really couldn't help it, and I went to the bathroom to gather myself up. I chalked it up to a learning experience and didn't make the same mistake again after that.

I've cried, when product finally went final. That was right before the shock of having free time for a few weeks.

Also, when I had to come back from sabbatical. But I guess that was while still at home drink...getting ready for work.

I worked mainly in high tech, and nobody ever cried because they were overwhelmed. You were just supposed to deal; if you weren't getting something, it was your job to say so and get help. Man and woman. Ass-covering: there's a lot of that. But crying because something's too ha-a-a-a-rd (sniff) is like stamping REMAND TO SALVAGE in capital letters on your forehead.

Crying for other reasons? Sure. I've seen women cry when the venture capitalists came to give us the bad news and close the company. I've seen men and women cry at work because the big quake just hit last week and their life's in an uproar and we're still getting aftershocks every ten minutes _and_ your project's due yesterday, thank you. But that's understandable. That's a special case. And I've seen people cry quietly at their desk because something in their life sucks big time and they just had to drop some tears. And a friend stops by and comforts them for a minute, and then the nose goes back to the grindstone.

I'm with you, although I've only had to deal with it with one person.

My overall philosophy in regard to correcting behavior is that if one person is doing it, I'll tell them privately: "You need to clock out when you leave the building." If more than one person is doing it, I'll bring it up at the next office meeting, and specify that "It isn't just one person doing this."

I had one employee that had never done anything wrong. Example of a conversation:

Me: "I need you to clock out when you leave the building."

Her: "I always do! It must be the computer messing up."

Me: "I watched you leave this morning without touching the computer. I just need for you to remember to clock out or I can't total payroll."

Her (realizing she's trapped): "Waaaahhhh! Waaahhhh!"

Crying in that circumstance doesn't manipulate me. In fact, it just pisses me off.

I've cried at work, but only on rare occasion during the performance of my duties.

It happened just this last week. In my YA literature class, we were discussing the book Bridge to Terabithia, and I was reading a passage from the very end aloud, and I teared up a little and had to stop for a minute to regain my composure.

It happened more than a few times with my middle schoolers over the previous six years, too, especially when we'd hit a particularly powerful scene or poem or when discussing certain historical events. It's always pretty much the same; I tear up a little bit and have little difficulty reading or talking clearly, I take a minute or so to regain control, and go on.

The type of crying in which I'm an emotional wreck because I'm being chewed out? It's never happened. I don't like the idea of showing that kind of emotional weakness in front of a supervisor. Besides, it would be embarassing, and I hate being embarassed in front of others more than anything.

On the other hand, I have had crying fits, more earlier in my career, in reaction to stress, but I always try to hold it in until I can get off by myself, or with Grace. Or in the past year, I come here and post about what's been bothering me, and I've done a ton of that.

I've done the let-out-the-stress crying a couple of times the last three weeks when I've gotten overwhelmed by the workload and frustrated at my inability to connect to colleagues at work. But I've done that in my office.

So I guess I have done it on more than a few occasions, but never for the purpose of manipulating others.

I've seen a few weepy middle school teachers, all middle-school, and all female. It is annoying, but then again, I'm very easily annoyed.

Mal: Your training story sounds remarkably similar to the grad student trying to teach me how to do a . . . I can't remember the name. It's the computer thing that does slide shows. Anyway, he was assigned to teach me to use the system in the lecture hall where my world masterpieces class is held, and I, to my shame, spent the first five minutes of the lesson griping about learning something that's next to useless for a literature class. All we need are books and a place to sit, really. It's in the lecture hall solely because it has, after late additions, 93 students and won't fit in a classroom. We read. We talk about what we read. They take tests and write essays about what we've read and discussed. Not really a slide show friendly class.

I didn't cry, but I did gripe. It was stupid. Almost as stupid as wasting my time teaching me something that I'm not required to know how to use and don't plan to use anyway. I hate it when I waste time like that. Had I not griped and delayed, I'd have been done that much earlier and been able to get back to reading.

Presentation something? Present-Point? I can't remember.

Gilda

Power Point.

I cried twice in the workplace.

The first time was when my (ex)wife told me -- OVER THE 'KING PHONE -- that she'd been screwing a bloke she met online. I then had a few weeks off work and spent six months on Prozac.

The second time was when my boss and a selection of "yes men" ass-kissers had an impromptu meeting stood in my office, about my area of expertise, and when I pointed out (gently) that I had valid input, given the subject and location of the meeting, I was SHOUTED down by my boss. This came after nearly four months of being ignored, over-ruled, and then called in on formal disciplinary charges for failure to do my job (each time I did something my boss and his cronies un-did it and then punished me for it not being done), the week before this argument I'd been put on a formal charge for failing to attend work -- I was at the hospital having my daughter's broken arm re-set, and my boss had told me to "take as long as you need".

After six months of being ground down, I cried. Then I told him to fuck off. Then I walked off the job.

I don't like people who use crying as a tool to get what they want. I haven't met many in my lifetime and don't have any in my workplace. That said, I can't be quite so harsh and say there is no place for crying in the workplace. Well it shouldn't happen but nowadays with so much stress, and a harsh boss, it's easy to see why it can happen. I am a good worker and get things done efficiently as a rule, but I have cried at least once in my current job. Reason: after an extra stressful and busy week I get yelled at for no valid reason by my boss, who is very demanding and is always quick to point out flaws rather than qualities. So, I cried. It was just too much and I was trying so hard to do everything right and make everything come out seamless - that's the problem, sometimes my boss doesn't realize exactly how much work gets put into something, and how efficient I actually am. I didn't cry in front of him, but then he called me to his office and realised that I had. He later apologized. I didn't do it to elicit sympathy, I had just had enough at that particular moment. I try very hard not to get emotional in work situations, but I am thin-skinned and sometimes I really cannot help it - particularly when I feel that whoever it is that has yelled at me is totally unjustified. I just feel the tears well up inside and there's not much I can do to stop them streaming out, even when I am trying my best to stop.

Fixed that little typo for ya :)

I think I'm like the majority of posters in saying that crying at work doesn't manipulate me, it pisses me off. With a few notable exceptions, crying will get you ignored. (And I'm a sensitive guy!!)

If you're crying at work there had better be a good reason. I have never cried at work, though I did have tears come to my eyes when I looked down at the bloody stump that was my finger after it got smashed off. I think the people standing around me understood and didn't mind my emotional response.

Part of my job is to make sure we meet every deadline. So I have had the full range of emotional responses from death threats to crying to get me to miss a deadline. My typical response is "When you are ready to deal with this like an adult, in a professional manner I'll be here in my office. Until then, I have better things to be doing than watching a tantrum" Usually a heavy silence follows while the person asks themselves if that is what I really said, then they leave my office.

I've never had to say that to the same person twice. I've been given the silent treatment and had people complain to the owner, but I can also say every one of the people that I had to say that to respects me and are my friends now.

I've seen that the "bleeding hearts" only end up stirring up more trouble and bitterness in their efforts to please everyone.

If you don't believe I'm gonna cry, and hold my breath til you agree with me and I might just throw myself on the floor and kick and scream.

Unless someone you love has dies, or been seriously injured, suck it up. People need to leave their baggage at the door.

I have cried three times at work.

Once was because the receptionist let it slip that my grandpa had cancer when I hadn't even been told yet. My aunt worked in the same office and she called in to her boss, who passed it on to the receptionist why she wouldn't be in and said "Don't tell Emily."

The second time was at a new job just out of training. I had apparently done something wrong when my supervisor came up to me and said "Why on earth would you do something like that? Why? That is so... nevermind" and walked off. I started to tear up, got the quivering jaw, and held it back. I think I was having a bad day on top of that.

The third time was with the same supervisor- my FIRST day out of training she pulled me aside and said "I don't want to pry, but are you pregnant?" Obviously, I wasn't. But I excused myself to the bathroom and tried to stay as quiet as possible.

THAT'S IT!

Gilda

I used to work with someone that would cry about everything all the time. He was the biggest moron i ever met. whenever something changed or had to be done diffrently he would throw a fit about it. then i was promoted and fired him. that crap dosnt belong at work. If they have a personal problem and the stress is getting to them from that sure cut them some slack give them some time to get it sorted out. but if they are crying because of work... they need to find a job they wont cry about.

As for attractive women that cry to the male boss to get what they want. they should be burned alive. you know to purify there sole and clense out the evil.

The only time I accept crying at work is when I fire them.

Emphasis mine, because i'd post the same thing and emphasize that bit.

Just tears of rage... but I swallow them because the salt makes me stronger.