It won't get out of my head... - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Maleigh99 · 02-10-2005, 12:23 PM

If your SO did something you consider bad, would you want to know every detail about it? Or just knowing what happened would be enough? Sorry so general, just wanting to get some feedback with these questions first.

Averett · 02-10-2005, 12:50 PM

Well, it would depend on what it was, how I found out, and how much I knew.

Recently when I visited my boyfriend I was on his computer checking out my bank statement. I ended up seeing something else, it wasn't bad and I wasn't upset, but it did make me wonder. I brought it up a few days later, we talked about it, and everything was fine. (hmm... this makes it seem like I saw bookmarks of farm girls gone wild or something

)

Now, I could still think about it. Stress about it. A younger me would have. But I'm not going to do that to myself or to him. There just isn't a point in it.

If you're really worried about it, and if you think you can't just get past it, talk to him about it. That's the only way to resolve issues in a relationship.

maleficent · 02-10-2005, 12:52 PM

If someone wronged me, I wouldn't want to know explicit details because it wouldn't make me feel any better, it would probably just make me feel worse to know every single solitary detail.

Averett · 02-10-2005, 12:54 PM

Good point mal.

If you want to find out more, you'd better be able to live with what you learn.

Averett · 02-10-2005, 12:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Charlatan

Depends what you are talking about...

If my SO was mass murderer I would like to know about it.

If they had dirty sex with someone before I met them... I don't think I really want to know the details.

Your vagueness let's my imagination wander... If you could be more specific?

Naughty Charlatan, you've entered No Mans Land!

(But those are good questions, thats why I quoted, maybe we'll get the answers anyway)

maleficent · 02-10-2005, 01:02 PM

Quote:

my SO was mass murderer I would like to know about it.

That's part of the original question... Is knowing enough - -or do you want explidit details -- who, what, when, where, why, and how did you kill all these people...

raeanna74 · 02-10-2005, 01:15 PM

Personally, If I didn't suspect a thing I wouldn't want him to come out and tell me about it. Like if he had an affair, ended it, and then later told me all the juicy details - forget it. I'd rather not know anything about it.

If he'd broken the law and I didn't know I wouldn't want to know. Ignorance IS bliss in some cases. If I did find out I'd want to know all the details. Either so I could think of a legal way out just in case of so I could cover - depending on the offense.

I'm kinda nosy though so maybe I'm not a good example. I know I could handle whatever my SO got into. I think that's the key. Prepare yourself for the worst should you delve into the details and if it's not as bad then you're ready for whatever comes out.

maleficent · 02-10-2005, 01:18 PM

I'm not sure where Maleigh intends this to go.. but it's an interesting discussion...

What if your imaginary SO comes home one night and says that he got arrested in his past. And that's all he said... What do you do?

ngdawg · 02-10-2005, 01:34 PM

It's usually impossible for me to deal with 'what if's since they're conjecture on something that hasn't ever happened.
That being said...we are dealing with the discovery of something that would have been better off not being known. While details are constantly being asked for, I feel it best to let things go and refuse to discuss the matter. It's not making things better, really, though. But I was always of the opinion that you shouldn't ask the question unless you are totally prepared for any answer-most times, unfortunately, the answer isn't what was expected or wanted, making the situation worse. It's a conundrum.....

*Nikki* · 02-10-2005, 04:06 PM

I have to know everything.

But that is just me

I want all the details, and yeah, sometimes this means suffering on my part.

Sweetpea · 02-10-2005, 04:13 PM

i'm with Nikki . . .

Got . . . To . . . Know .. . EVERYTHING

i am a stickler for details . . . because well . . . LIFE is in the details . . .

i'm going to need more info. Maleigh99. . . ??

Sweetpea

maleficent · 02-10-2005, 04:26 PM

Boy your ladies are tough...

I rarely give people details of anything... I don't expect them back... I learned ages ago -there's just some stuff that is not my business -- if someone wants to tell me - fine -- otherwise-- I'm not asking...

(I'm still amazed and appalled at the stuff people have told me over the years...)

sexymama · 02-10-2005, 04:44 PM

When I found out my ex had an affair I wanted details. Sadly, he gave them to me. I couldn't have sex with him after that without thinking about the details of the affair.

At the same time, Lebell has given me some details of past relationships and that makes no difference to me. (Sometimes it even turns me on.) I wonder if it simply because those relationship had/have no impact on our relationship. The past is the past. Whereas, my ex's affair had a direct impact on me. Hmmm, one will never know!

The point is, to echo several others, be sure you want to know before asking or seeking details.

Sawfmonkey · 02-10-2005, 09:51 PM

Honesty is the key to a good relationship. If he's the one who comes out and tells you what happened, I would try to work through it....after all, he is trying. However, if he doesn't tell you and you find out just by chance, I would question him and ask him where he thinks that will get you two in your relationship and how it will effect it.

ironmaiden7o7 · 02-11-2005, 12:23 AM

If you can live with the truth, then I'd say that you deserve to know every detail. But if it's something that won't solve a purpose in your relationship, then you should just leave it alone. Having faith in someone you're with does a lot for the relationship. It depends really on the extent of that thing he/she did. If it's something terribly wrong, then I don't see why you should keep your feelings inside. But again, some things are better left untold, and if this is something you don't think you can handle, leave it alone. But on the other hand, it's good to have open communication lines, if it's something that is affecting you, then you should speak to him about it. Good luck!

little_tippler · 02-11-2005, 03:15 AM

I think certain details are better left untold. But I'd want to know if my SO had an affair and then broke it off...and only told me later. I'd still want to know. Otherwise I'd be living a lie. Honesty is important, but some things should remain in the past, the nitty gritty of it isn't important unless it affects you directly. If my SO had been arrested, I'd definitely want to know what it was for though...imagine he had murdered someone

that would definitely make me think things through veeery carefully...

Maleigh99 · 02-15-2005, 03:28 PM

Sorry it took so long for me to get back on here. I ended up asking... and finding out details. Which was really good for me. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was. It was crazy, because it was like a complete 180 from one day to the next. It went from the hellish obsession to nothing. Completely gone. I'm not sure if I want to say what it was because it wasn't as bad as some of you thought it was. Murdering someone!? It wasn't that bad. It wasn't an affair either. (Thank goodness.)

Sweetpea · 02-17-2005, 03:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Maleigh99

Sorry it took so long for me to get back on here. I ended up asking... and finding out details. Which was really good for me. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was. It was crazy, because it was like a complete 180 from one day to the next. It went from the hellish obsession to nothing. Completely gone. I'm not sure if I want to say what it was because it wasn't as bad as some of you thought it was. Murdering someone!? It wasn't that bad. It wasn't an affair either. (Thank goodness.)

Glad to know that you spoke about it with your SO . . . im glad that things are happy for you now.

we're always here to listen . .

Sweetpea

Mugzy6 · 02-19-2005, 11:31 PM

I would want to know every detail, but it's unhealthy because then I'd dwell on it. Plus, it'd always be in the back of my mind. However, if I found out about it later then I'd be really upset. It's kinda a catch-22.

KinkyKiwi · 02-20-2005, 11:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Nikki*

I have to know everything.

But that is just me

I want all the details, and yeah, sometimes this means suffering on my part.

same here...if it was an affair i would want to know for 2 reasons..1. if he had had unprotected sex i would need to get tested 2. i would want to know if it was at all an emotional thing because that would make a huge difference on how i would feel about the whole thing...

if its just anything he did wrong i'd still wanna know so i know exactly how long i should yell at him and if the objects i throw should be sharp or blunt.

kollege_gal2000 · 02-21-2005, 09:41 AM

I'm big on knowing the details, and yes it tends to bite me in the butt sometimes, but I have to know.

Maleigh99 · 02-21-2005, 10:55 AM

Quote:

Glad to know that you spoke about it with your SO . . . im glad that things are happy for you now.

we're always here to listen . .

Sweetpea

Thanks. That's very sweet of you. I really appreciate that.

02-10-2005, 12:23 PM	#1 (permalink)
Maleigh99 Upright Location: Texas	It won't get out of my head... If your SO did something you consider bad, would you want to know every detail about it? Or just knowing what happened would be enough? Sorry so general, just wanting to get some feedback with these questions first.

02-10-2005, 12:50 PM	#2 (permalink)
Averett Is In Love Location: I'm workin' on it	Well, it would depend on what it was, how I found out, and how much I knew. Recently when I visited my boyfriend I was on his computer checking out my bank statement. I ended up seeing something else, it wasn't bad and I wasn't upset, but it did make me wonder. I brought it up a few days later, we talked about it, and everything was fine. (hmm... this makes it seem like I saw bookmarks of farm girls gone wild or something ) Now, I could still think about it. Stress about it. A younger me would have. But I'm not going to do that to myself or to him. There just isn't a point in it. If you're really worried about it, and if you think you can't just get past it, talk to him about it. That's the only way to resolve issues in a relationship. __________________ Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great. Last edited by Averett; 02-10-2005 at 12:55 PM..

02-10-2005, 12:52 PM	#3 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	If someone wronged me, I wouldn't want to know explicit details because it wouldn't make me feel any better, it would probably just make me feel worse to know every single solitary detail. __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

02-10-2005, 12:54 PM	#4 (permalink)
Averett Is In Love Location: I'm workin' on it	Good point mal. If you want to find out more, you'd better be able to live with what you learn. __________________ Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

02-10-2005, 01:15 PM	#7 (permalink)
raeanna74 I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot! Location: Upper Michigan	Personally, If I didn't suspect a thing I wouldn't want him to come out and tell me about it. Like if he had an affair, ended it, and then later told me all the juicy details - forget it. I'd rather not know anything about it. If he'd broken the law and I didn't know I wouldn't want to know. Ignorance IS bliss in some cases. If I did find out I'd want to know all the details. Either so I could think of a legal way out just in case of so I could cover - depending on the offense. I'm kinda nosy though so maybe I'm not a good example. I know I could handle whatever my SO got into. I think that's the key. Prepare yourself for the worst should you delve into the details and if it's not as bad then you're ready for whatever comes out. __________________ "Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

02-10-2005, 01:18 PM	#8 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	I'm not sure where Maleigh intends this to go.. but it's an interesting discussion... What if your imaginary SO comes home one night and says that he got arrested in his past. And that's all he said... What do you do? __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

02-10-2005, 01:34 PM	#9 (permalink)
ngdawg peekaboo Location: on the back, bitch	It's usually impossible for me to deal with 'what if's since they're conjecture on something that hasn't ever happened. That being said...we are dealing with the discovery of something that would have been better off not being known. While details are constantly being asked for, I feel it best to let things go and refuse to discuss the matter. It's not making things better, really, though. But I was always of the opinion that you shouldn't ask the question unless you are totally prepared for any answer-most times, unfortunately, the answer isn't what was expected or wanted, making the situation worse. It's a conundrum.....

02-10-2005, 04:06 PM	#10 (permalink)
Nikki ~~~~~~~ Location: Charleston, SC	I have to know everything. But that is just me I want all the details, and yeah, sometimes this means suffering on my part.

02-10-2005, 04:13 PM	#11 (permalink)
Sweetpea Fade out Location: in love	i'm with Nikki . . . Got . . . To . . . Know .. . EVERYTHING i am a stickler for details . . . because well . . . LIFE is in the details . . . i'm going to need more info. Maleigh99. . . ?? Sweetpea __________________ Having a Pet Will Change Your Life! Looking for a great pet?! Click Here! "I am the Type of Person Who Can Get Away With A lot, Simply Because I Don't Ask Permission for the Privilege of Being Myself"

02-10-2005, 04:26 PM	#12 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	Boy your ladies are tough... I rarely give people details of anything... I don't expect them back... I learned ages ago -there's just some stuff that is not my business -- if someone wants to tell me - fine -- otherwise-- I'm not asking... (I'm still amazed and appalled at the stuff people have told me over the years...) __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

02-10-2005, 04:44 PM	#13 (permalink)
sexymama My own person -- his by choice Location: Lebell's arms	When I found out my ex had an affair I wanted details. Sadly, he gave them to me. I couldn't have sex with him after that without thinking about the details of the affair. At the same time, Lebell has given me some details of past relationships and that makes no difference to me. (Sometimes it even turns me on.) I wonder if it simply because those relationship had/have no impact on our relationship. The past is the past. Whereas, my ex's affair had a direct impact on me. Hmmm, one will never know! The point is, to echo several others, be sure you want to know before asking or seeking details. __________________ If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

02-10-2005, 09:51 PM	#14 (permalink)
Sawfmonkey Tilted Location: Boulder, CO	Honesty is the key to a good relationship. If he's the one who comes out and tells you what happened, I would try to work through it....after all, he is trying. However, if he doesn't tell you and you find out just by chance, I would question him and ask him where he thinks that will get you two in your relationship and how it will effect it. __________________ "Those who do not feel the music think the dancer mad." ~Anon.

02-11-2005, 12:23 AM	#15 (permalink)
ironmaiden7o7 Insane Location: NYC	If you can live with the truth, then I'd say that you deserve to know every detail. But if it's something that won't solve a purpose in your relationship, then you should just leave it alone. Having faith in someone you're with does a lot for the relationship. It depends really on the extent of that thing he/she did. If it's something terribly wrong, then I don't see why you should keep your feelings inside. But again, some things are better left untold, and if this is something you don't think you can handle, leave it alone. But on the other hand, it's good to have open communication lines, if it's something that is affecting you, then you should speak to him about it. Good luck!

02-11-2005, 03:15 AM	#16 (permalink)
little_tippler Leaning against the -Sun- Super Moderator Location: on the other side	I think certain details are better left untold. But I'd want to know if my SO had an affair and then broke it off...and only told me later. I'd still want to know. Otherwise I'd be living a lie. Honesty is important, but some things should remain in the past, the nitty gritty of it isn't important unless it affects you directly. If my SO had been arrested, I'd definitely want to know what it was for though...imagine he had murdered someone that would definitely make me think things through veeery carefully... __________________ Whether we write or speak or do but look We are ever unapparent. What we are Cannot be transfused into word or book. Our soul from us is infinitely far. However much we give our thoughts the will To be our soul and gesture it abroad, Our hearts are incommunicable still. In what we show ourselves we are ignored. The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged By any skill of thought or trick of seeming. Unto our very selves we are abridged When we would utter to our thought our being. We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams, And each to each other dreams of others' dreams. Fernando Pessoa, 1918

02-15-2005, 03:28 PM	#17 (permalink)
Maleigh99 Upright Location: Texas	Sorry it took so long for me to get back on here. I ended up asking... and finding out details. Which was really good for me. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was. It was crazy, because it was like a complete 180 from one day to the next. It went from the hellish obsession to nothing. Completely gone. I'm not sure if I want to say what it was because it wasn't as bad as some of you thought it was. Murdering someone!? It wasn't that bad. It wasn't an affair either. (Thank goodness.)

02-19-2005, 11:31 PM	#19 (permalink)
Mugzy6 Tilted Location: North Carolina	I would want to know every detail, but it's unhealthy because then I'd dwell on it. Plus, it'd always be in the back of my mind. However, if I found out about it later then I'd be really upset. It's kinda a catch-22.

02-21-2005, 09:41 AM	#21 (permalink)
kollege_gal2000 Tilted Location: Edinburg, TX	I'm big on knowing the details, and yes it tends to bite me in the butt sometimes, but I have to know. __________________ I am not afraid of tomorrow; for I have seen yesterday and love today!