Halx

There was a rumbling, and the master stirred.

"Who interrupts my slumber?"

Glances thrown about the room could reveal no other presence. And the rumbling came again.

"Oh. My tummy."


It was the year 2033.


Chaos ruled where there once was order. Technology such as the George Foreman Grill had corrupted the minds of the people. The appliance was abandoned when a hippy vegan protester extinguished George Foreman's eternal flame in front of his great tomb. In a twist of irony, all known vegans were captured and ground into hamburger in retaliation.


The master was surprised they made vegans so fatty.


But why look a gift horse in the mouth?


Over time, meals had progressed to contain more and more meat, until that was all they consisted of. This was old craft.


But it needed dairy-based coating to even stay in one's stomach.


You could still hear their screams.


You still wake up sometimes, don't you? You wake up in the dark and hear the screaming of the vegans.


Even fruit and vegetable had been genetically altered to consist of meat.


Meat needed dairy-based coating, too.


When the Red Cross blood donation drive visited the Amish, what they took away was inhuman. We should have known. No human has ever lived without technology before. Seeing no other practical use for their harvest, the Red Cross sold the blood to Heinz, to help them get back on their feet again.


The rumbling was at its peak now.

"I MUST HAVE RELIEF!"


Something was wrong.

This omelet wasn't like all the others.



A burger was born.

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[Don't Feed The Animals]

Sultana

Speechless, and now, hungry.

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"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

ngdawg

Sooo....that vegan burger doesn't taste sour?

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

DaveOrion

Strange........ in a prophetic, mind altering, carnivorous kinda way....

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Syriana...have you ever tried liquid MDMA?....Liquid MDMA? No....Arash, when you wanna do this?.....After prayer...

Redjake

motherfucker.......I am so hungry now...............

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Off the record, on the q.t., and very hush-hush.

uncle phil

at .89/lb., how did it taste?

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"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
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"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
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never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

Psycho Dad

The toasted buns looked good, but you need a grill dude.

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Don't always trust the opinions of experts.

Willravel

I was hoping this was about board member Giant Hamburger. He was planning an invasion with his offspring/minions.

Judy Taber

it's 2.99/lb...he bought just under a lb.

Still cheap though.

Kadath

Mayo on a hamburger is a sin against God. Whomsoever putteth mayonnaise on a hamburger shall be forced to surrender his non-expiring beef to those who would use it for a higher purpose. So it is written, so let it be done.

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it's quiet in here

ngdawg

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

smooth

I'd be hungry, but I just finished a vegan philly cheese steak.

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"The theory of a free press is that truth will emerge from free discussion, not that it will be presented perfectly and instantly in any one account." -- Walter Lippmann

"You measure democracy by the freedom it gives its dissidents, not the freedom it gives its assimilated conformists." -- Abbie Hoffman

Carno

Wouldn't this thread be better in Trampoline or something?

MSD

That isn't even a full pound of beef. Make a thread when you can eat a real burger.

It keeps the juices from soaking the bun

ubertuber

Why the hell would you wanna do that?

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Cogito ergo spud -- I think, therefore I yam

dirtyrascal7

I have to admit... that is one fine looking burger. But you forgot the pickles and onion rings.

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"Tie yourself to your limitless potential, rather than your limiting past."

"Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."

powerclown

More cheese on that puppy next time.
A big, thick slice of Velveeta cheese, at least an inch thick.
Or a good handful of bleu, the size of a baseball is fine, it melts down to nothing.
The mayo is fine IMO, Hellman's is a magnificent condiment. Again, a little more wouldn't hurt. Spilling over the sides is fine.
No pickles is pretty rough...I might have had a hard time eating that without pickles.
Great thread. I pictures of hamburgers.

paddyjoe

You cooked up quite the menu of opinions here, brother Hal. About all I can add is an ice-cold bottle o Guinness!

Ourcrazymodern?

Sell by Feb 21, 33??????

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BE JUST AND FEAR NOT

Charlatan

TRAVESTY!!! One should never squash their meat thusly. For the love of Giant Hamburger, just let the thing cook in peace.


Further sacrilege! Is that, so called, "american cheese"? One should never, ever use this stuff. It is vile and insulting to the vegans who gave their lives for your meal. I mean I know vegans are just cattle but have heart (and some taste buds) -- as for Velveeta! Perish the thought!

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"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

Giant Hamburger

Hail Burgermancer!

I applaud your visual spirit quest for your philosophical hamburger of the future.
In the year 2033 the culinary prejudice shown in this thread will be a long dead thing of the past. You honor the sandwich as a gastronomical sacrament to the delicious grace of its hunger-ending sacrifice.

Selah!
-GH

kurty[B]

No more vegans in the future! Certainly a promising future to look forward to.

The_Dunedan

Next time, fold some diced onions and garlic into the meat when you're making the patty, and use Eidamer cheese if you can find it. Kick-ASS, that burger is. And for God's sake, get some Miracle Whip!

stevie667

Being inspired by your burger, i decided to make my own.

One pack of mince later i ended up with a square peice of meat, which whilst fitting neatly inside two slices of bread, was not very burger shaped (unless you know a burger brand that has corners).

What is the secret to roundness oh mighty master?

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Halx

Miracle Whip? What the fuck? And you call yourself a MAN?

stevie, roundness is easy. Knead meat in your hands until there are no more folds. Slap it onto a plate and squish it a little. Press down with one hand and pat the sides in while turning the plate in a circular manner. You will then have a compact, disc-shaped hamburger patty.

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[Don't Feed The Animals]

Yakk

Take meat.

Add an egg and onion soup mix, some food-processor bread crumbs, and season liberally with cracked peppercorns.

Top with old cheddar, fried onions and mushrooms, some lettuce and tomatoes, a touch of HP sauce and some ketchup.

And remember...

In the year 2000, the Vegans eat YOU!

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Last edited by JHVH : 10-29-4004 BC at 09:00 PM. Reason: Time for a rest.

tinfoil

I sometimes make a small pocket in the middle of the burger and stick fried mushrooms or some real cheese in there. Mm.

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Get off your fuckin cross. We need the fuckin space to nail the next fool martyr.

smooth

No Wendy's around your parts?

__________________
"The theory of a free press is that truth will emerge from free discussion, not that it will be presented perfectly and instantly in any one account." -- Walter Lippmann

"You measure democracy by the freedom it gives its dissidents, not the freedom it gives its assimilated conformists." -- Abbie Hoffman

Hanxter

ngdawg

Or White Castles?
When I make my burgers, I press my thumb in the middle so that's a tad thinner-no bubbling up that way.(And I put some BBQ sauce in the meat)

__________________
Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

stevie667

And yay did the lord spake down unto mathius, whenst thou hast thy meat, use thine hands, that i have given, to squish it into a ball, smush it then as thou would smush satans followers.
So smush mathius did, bade on by the words of the lord, until at the 7th hour he had created his burger in the image of his world, and blessed was it. Upon a pre-heated grill he placed it, seen by the wise men, with salt, pepper and a light garnish of extra virgin olive oil glazed on the top, not too much or it might ruin the flavour, but just enough to cook well, it cooked.

For time it cooked, and cooked well, until the miracle was finished, from a simple pack of mince, and burger to feed the five thousand starving people had emerged, blessed and holy in nature.

But nay, mathius felt his own hunger creep up upon him. He spake to his lord, oh why must i feed this to thy flock, when it is mineself that is so hungry?
The lord pondered, and paused from cooking his own burger, and bade a tome of rejoycment unto mathius.

For thou hast followed my word exactly, and thou hast created a burger worthy of my love, as i love all that lays before me, all that i have created. Eat and be merry mathius, for thou hast deserveth thy burger.

And it was that mathius ate, and was full, a mighty burger he had consumeth, and another he could not make until he found some change and went down to the shops to buy another packet of mince, but he was sated.

Amen.

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SSpiro

Damn.. Now I need a burger.