Is this what marriage is supposed to be like? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

bigjule · 06-10-2004, 07:51 PM

I need some help from the married folks out there. How pissed off do you get at your spouse and how often? I'm not married and I have put the brakes on the relationship i was in. She was constantly pushing me to get married (we dated about a year) and I felt very manipulated. Everything was for her. She was horrible with what little money she got and would be short for rent or be on the verge of having her utilities cut off all the time or have no money at all anf run out of cat food. I mean when things were great they were fantastic, but I felt there was alot of passive agressive stuff going on. Is this what marriage is supposed to be, being not completely happy but not alone? I dont know and I find myself missing her.

Rlyss · 06-10-2004, 10:01 PM

I'm not married but I hope that doesn't make what I say here irrelevent. It sounds to me like if you married this woman then yes, that's what marriage would be like! It doesn't look like she's going to change. And if she's like this during the first year when couples are going out of their way to impress each other and do a great job at being a partner, it could only go downhill after marriage.

Despite a high divorce rate, most of the members here who have said they're married have fantastic marriages. No relationship is prefect, but some are better than others. Some relationships downright suck, and some just blow your mind.

I don't think anyone can say 'marriage is like this'. It's how you and your partner make it! If you marry a half-assed woman (like she sounds to be, and I hope I don't offend you with that) then your marriage will be bad, but if you marry a wonderful woman then I imagine it would generally be good.

I may be looking at it through rose-tinted glasses, but I'm happy to do so

tecoyah · 06-11-2004, 02:29 AM

If you get married....Marry the person you have....not the one you wish they were. Unless of course you are a masochist, or into divorce.

Derwood · 06-11-2004, 05:11 AM

Your ex doesn't sound terribly mature. She doesn't sound ready for marriage, so if she was pushing for it, there had to be some sort of agenda behind it beyond love. That's my expert opinion based on knowing her not at all.

Charlatan · 06-11-2004, 05:18 AM

If you are asking questions like this... she isn't the one.

Believe me it is that simple.

raeanna74 · 06-11-2004, 05:32 AM

A good marriage SHOULDN'T be that way. Too many people think their partner will change AFTER marriage. It's totally wrong. If anything the things that bug you now will drive you insane later.

Hubby and I haven't had a perfect marriage but we've grown and learned a lot about how to make it work. We've passed a number of BIG bumps and gotten better at it. We get along pretty well for now. If we get upset at each other it usually doesn't last too long and we're usually not fuming mad - mostly just irritated.

It sounds like this girl is exceptionally irresponsible and it will grate on you seriously. I would stear clear of that.

rockzilla · 06-11-2004, 03:22 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by bigjule
[BIs this what marriage is supposed to be, being not completely happy but not alone? [/B]

Why would you ever settle for 'Not completely happy'?
The girl is a train wreck and marrying her would just make you her chump. You made the right choice. You may miss the ideal image of her that you have in her in your mind, but our perceptions of the people we care about are usually biased.
Your brain knows it wouldn't work, your heart just needs time to let go.

bigjule · 06-11-2004, 05:11 PM

Thanks everyone I am feeling alot better about my choices here. Lots of very sage advice.

timalkin · 06-11-2004, 06:12 PM

Dude, marriage is for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. That's a long ass time. If you have to ask these questions now, I'd say that you'd be better off looking elsewhere.

clockworkgreen · 06-11-2004, 06:38 PM

As I've brought up in another thread, and I notice some of the same names here, marriage can be full of stupid little fights, big little fights, but the times that tilt the scale are when you look across the room and you're like "Man, I'm lucky." And still, after 4 years of being with my wife, I learn something or notice something new almost every day.

It doesn't sound like you were having those types of moments. So screw her.

sillygirl · 06-11-2004, 07:13 PM

I married someone that I asked those questions about. And it was hell. Just less than a year later I left him.

MSD · 06-11-2004, 08:38 PM

A relationship has failed when it's a job instead of an enjoyable connection with another person.

Boo · 06-11-2004, 08:45 PM

Would I ever marry a materialistic person that is bad with money? No way, that is financial and marital suicide.

raeanna74 · 06-12-2004, 08:59 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by MrSelfDestruct
A relationship has failed when it's a job instead of an enjoyable connection with another person.

Not entirely true. Marriage can be work but you should be able to get past the times of work and you should be able to still enjoy it at times.

neddy65 · 06-12-2004, 10:59 AM

it is okay to have questions about your relationship and the future you may have togehter but a marriage is not the forum in which to explore them. A marriage is a constant work in progress and is full of changes and adjustments. Never settle for sort of happy or happy to not be alone.
Life is too short to waste any time in regret.

06-13-2004, 11:29 AM

it's petty to sweat the small stuff- i know people say "choose your battles" but you shouldn't even have to have "battles" at all. There's a way to effectively communicate any issues with the other with total respect, and truthfulness. We all have differences, but blaming or complaining won't ever solve anything- it'll really just make things worse.

06-10-2004, 07:51 PM	#1 (permalink)
bigjule Upright	Is this what marriage is supposed to be like? I need some help from the married folks out there. How pissed off do you get at your spouse and how often? I'm not married and I have put the brakes on the relationship i was in. She was constantly pushing me to get married (we dated about a year) and I felt very manipulated. Everything was for her. She was horrible with what little money she got and would be short for rent or be on the verge of having her utilities cut off all the time or have no money at all anf run out of cat food. I mean when things were great they were fantastic, but I felt there was alot of passive agressive stuff going on. Is this what marriage is supposed to be, being not completely happy but not alone? I dont know and I find myself missing her.

06-11-2004, 02:29 AM	#3 (permalink)
tecoyah Illusionary	If you get married....Marry the person you have....not the one you wish they were. Unless of course you are a masochist, or into divorce. __________________ Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

06-11-2004, 05:11 AM	#4 (permalink)
Derwood Who You Crappin? Location: Everywhere and Nowhere	Your ex doesn't sound terribly mature. She doesn't sound ready for marriage, so if she was pushing for it, there had to be some sort of agenda behind it beyond love. That's my expert opinion based on knowing her not at all. __________________ "You can't shoot a country until it becomes a democracy." - Willravel

06-11-2004, 05:18 AM	#5 (permalink)
Charlatan Getting it. Super Moderator Location: Lion City	If you are asking questions like this... she isn't the one. Believe me it is that simple. __________________ "My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars." - Old Man Luedecke

06-11-2004, 05:32 AM	#6 (permalink)
raeanna74 I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot! Location: Upper Michigan	A good marriage SHOULDN'T be that way. Too many people think their partner will change AFTER marriage. It's totally wrong. If anything the things that bug you now will drive you insane later. Hubby and I haven't had a perfect marriage but we've grown and learned a lot about how to make it work. We've passed a number of BIG bumps and gotten better at it. We get along pretty well for now. If we get upset at each other it usually doesn't last too long and we're usually not fuming mad - mostly just irritated. It sounds like this girl is exceptionally irresponsible and it will grate on you seriously. I would stear clear of that. __________________ "Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

06-10-2004, 10:01 PM	#2 (permalink)
Rlyss The Pusher Location: Edinburgh	I'm not married but I hope that doesn't make what I say here irrelevent. It sounds to me like if you married this woman then yes, that's what marriage would be like! It doesn't look like she's going to change. And if she's like this during the first year when couples are going out of their way to impress each other and do a great job at being a partner, it could only go downhill after marriage. Despite a high divorce rate, most of the members here who have said they're married have fantastic marriages. No relationship is prefect, but some are better than others. Some relationships downright suck, and some just blow your mind. I don't think anyone can say 'marriage is like this'. It's how you and your partner make it! If you marry a half-assed woman (like she sounds to be, and I hope I don't offend you with that) then your marriage will be bad, but if you marry a wonderful woman then I imagine it would generally be good. I may be looking at it through rose-tinted glasses, but I'm happy to do so

06-11-2004, 05:11 PM	#8 (permalink)
bigjule Upright	Thanks everyone I am feeling alot better about my choices here. Lots of very sage advice.

06-11-2004, 06:12 PM	#9 (permalink)
timalkin Addict Location: watching from the treeline	Dude, marriage is for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. That's a long ass time. If you have to ask these questions now, I'd say that you'd be better off looking elsewhere.

06-11-2004, 06:38 PM	#10 (permalink)
clockworkgreen Psycho Location: DC	As I've brought up in another thread, and I notice some of the same names here, marriage can be full of stupid little fights, big little fights, but the times that tilt the scale are when you look across the room and you're like "Man, I'm lucky." And still, after 4 years of being with my wife, I learn something or notice something new almost every day. It doesn't sound like you were having those types of moments. So screw her.

06-11-2004, 07:13 PM	#11 (permalink)
sillygirl Newlywed Location: at home	I married someone that I asked those questions about. And it was hell. Just less than a year later I left him. __________________ Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken ....absence makes me miss him more...

06-11-2004, 08:38 PM	#12 (permalink)
MSD The sky calls to us ... Super Moderator Location: CT	A relationship has failed when it's a job instead of an enjoyable connection with another person.

06-11-2004, 08:45 PM	#13 (permalink)
Boo Leave me alone! Location: Alaska, USA	Would I ever marry a materialistic person that is bad with money? No way, that is financial and marital suicide. __________________ Back button again, I must be getting old.

06-12-2004, 10:59 AM	#15 (permalink)
neddy65 Loves green eggs and ham Location: I'm just sittin' here watching the world go round and round	it is okay to have questions about your relationship and the future you may have togehter but a marriage is not the forum in which to explore them. A marriage is a constant work in progress and is full of changes and adjustments. Never settle for sort of happy or happy to not be alone. Life is too short to waste any time in regret. __________________ If you're travelling at the speed of light, and you turn the headlights on, do they do anything? My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die! Drink Dickens' Hard Cider because nothing makes a girl smile like a Hard DIckens' Cider!

06-13-2004, 11:29 AM	#16 (permalink)
:::OshnSoul::: Guest	it's petty to sweat the small stuff- i know people say "choose your battles" but you shouldn't even have to have "battles" at all. There's a way to effectively communicate any issues with the other with total respect, and truthfulness. We all have differences, but blaming or complaining won't ever solve anything- it'll really just make things worse.